irin Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 hello my little LoveShaker's i saw that thread about the best relationship ever, it made me smile, but i didn't want to hijack it! so i have question for people that have been married three years plus, and are happy and could see them selves staying married forever and get through any difficulties. i exclude infidelity i know that for some people is unforgivable, and it doesn't mean they didnt try hard to save their marriage. 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. any extra points that would help please feel free to share! despite the fact that this is aimed at a particular group of people, anyone is welcome to post, and share. :):bunny: Thank you
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 hello my little LoveShaker's I enjoy this topic! 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? I got married (2nd time) on September 7, 2011. I decided to marry because I really wanted to make the formal commitment to stand together through the bad times as well as the good and to walk the path of life side by side with this man. Getting married past 50 has an interesting (and not completely cheery) twist. You are very conscious about signing up for the decline. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? Every relationship is different, but I did have a happy marriage before, and the things I have in this one are similar to that. I trust him, I love that he trusts me. I want to help him and support him, and I receive that from him. He has strengths and abilities that I lack, and vice versa. I find basic companionship with him to be very sweet and comforting. I admire him as a human being on his own, not only in relationship to me. I believe he will stand true to his own ethics and his own heart. I know about his failings and his faults and accept them - he gives the same to me. I could go on and on. I am much better at maintaining all of this in this relationship, because of more maturity and also the lack of difficult baggage between us, which was present in my former marriage. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. Well, I could go on and on about this one, too, but I will keep it kind of simple. Do NOT get complacent. I will tell you that my husband is terrible at this and he is very prone to getting complacent, so I am willing to hold that up for the two of us. Not ideal, but it's okay. Pay attention. Be willing and graceful about giving space. Never abandon your own interests, but maintain balance. Talk about what needs discussion - but don't beat a dead horse. Know when to keep your mouth shut, and when it might be best to give some space before broaching a sensitive subject. RESPECT. BOUNDARIES. 5
Radagast Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? We've been married for longer than three years, together more than seven, but I feel I've known her forever. I decided to marry her for three big reasons: so that we could be together all the time, forever. So that the relationship would be at least as socially legitimate and as publicly validated as my previous marriage. And most importantly because she is so the woman for me and I need to bestow on her the highest rank in my life that I can: life partner, lover, beloved, love of my life, wife. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? What I have that I did not have in my previous marriage: love, respect, fun, joy, sanity, creativity, laughter, depth, shared interests, passion, beauty, light, clarity, friends, closer relationships with my family, activity, reflectivity, communication, stimulating discussions, support, shared values, hope, positive feelings about the future. What she does in particular is rather harder to pin down, it's an attitude that suffuses through everything she does, really. She listens when I speak, with love and attention in her eyes. She asks for my opinion. She communicates directly and clearly. She touches me, holds me, shows me affection in public and in private. She does not automatically assume I mean something bad when I speak, she assumes good and if she is unsure she will ask. She kisses me lovingly. She holds my hand, strokes my cheek, smiles when she sees me. She speaks kindly of me. She comes up behind me when I'm cooking and puts her arms around me. She dances with me in the kitchen. She gives me great and thoughtful advice. She is a creative and accomplished cook who enjoys making me meals I love that are also good for me. She is warm and genuine with my parents. She takes care of her appearance. She does little things for me to show she cares, all the time. She tells me she loves me often, and why. She was an excellent parent to my kids and is still a mainstay in their lives. She works hard around the house while excelling at her career and still has time and energy to make our marriage a priority. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. The most important things I would say are shared values, shared interests and sharing the important things and people in your lives. And passion! Waking up wanting to be with each other every day. Communicating. Listening. Taking time for each other. Being gentle with each other. Remembering how lucky you are and letting them know that you remember. 2
frozensprouts Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 hello my little LoveShaker's 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? we've been married almost 15 years, together for a year and a half before that. Got" engaged" about a week after we met- we were in university together and in the "giddy ,happy stage" when we said " let's get married"...it was said half jokingly, but a year and a half alter, it's what we did:laugh: 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? a lot of my past relationships were pretty cruddy, and this one has had it's ups and downs, but far more "ups" than "downs', and I really am happy. When we were married for almost 11 years, my husband had an affair...up until that point, I'd felt happy and secure but I think that was borne out of naivety... it takes more than just "love" to keep a relationship going. It takes work, communication, time, kindness, understanding, empathy, etc. "Flowery words" spoken a bout it are all well and good, but when push comes to shove, they are just words, and need action behind them...now I feel very happy and very secure, and it's borne of the knowledge that there is something real behind it, not just words and the idea that 'we love each other, so that's enough to keep things going" 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. there are a few things...first, you need to realize that when two people are together, dsy in, day out, you'll argue sometimes. You'll disagree sometimes, there may be days when for 50 cents, you'd kick their read as hard as you could. but those times pass, and things can become great again, if you allow them to. A few bad times don't have to mean a marriage is over. If there is still love there and a willingness to really do the hard work together, you can move past the bad times and find the good again, together. You also need to be your spouses best friend, best advocate, their one place in the world where they can feel 'safe" even when it seems everyone else is against them. They need to feel safe in coming to you with a problem, even if it's something you may not like to hear. A marriage really is a partnership of two people who will grow and change over time, and both spouses need to recognize and be happy with that. if you are going to be together for the rest of your lives, that's a long time, and it's going to take a lot more than poetic words to keep it going. It's going to take work, but it's work you should like to do. If you choose to have children, they will add so much to your lives, but they will also present some of it's biggest challenges. Every time a couple has a child, they, in effect, 'roll the dice" that everything will be okay with them. Most of the time it is, but there are times it is not. It is the times that it is not that can be a real test of your relationship. It's at those times that communication with your spouse, kindness, understanding, empathy and a desire to be there for one another when things get tough that will make or break your relationship. Sad to say, may don't make it. it's so very important to never take your spouse for granted, and to not allow yourself to be taken for granted either. You are both important, and should both be contributing to the relationship. Your physical relationship is just as important as your emotional one. Be happy with one another. Hug and kiss and cuddle and be intimate as much as you can. If you have a problem in this area, talk about it, don't just ignore it and hope it will go away. Be honest...in all areas. If you are having a problem, talk about it. lastly, the most important thing I have to reiterate is that all the "i love yous" and poetic words won't matter one bit if there is nothing behind them ( actions) to back them up. There will be times being married is so very hard...those are the times that you'll need to put in the extra effort, but it will be well worth it...and don't be afraid to ask for outside help if you are having troubles. There are many counselors out there who can be a huge help to you if you need it. There's no shame in saying "we are having troubles and need help to sort them all out" any extra points that would help please feel free to share! despite the fact that this is aimed at a particular group of people, anyone is welcome to post, and share. :):bunny: Thank you please find my responses in bold...sorry if wrote so much 2
truthbetold Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 1, More than 5 less than 10. 2. He means what he says, does what he says. I've never had to second guess him, wonder what this or that meant or had any confusion at all. He gives a fabulous azz massage, no kidding in fact when we first met he massaged my foot in the restaurant, I was toast! He makes me melt still. 3. Divorce is not an option. It's that simple so we work at it from that stance. Instead of it being a ball and chain feeling, it's more a choice so we make it fun and rewarding to nuture it. Infidelty would be a deal breaker but there's zero concern of that on either part. And people that are gonna say, "but you never know...blah blah" and use the tired old excuse that sometimes you just are drawn to someone else and etc...I say crap, it's a choice. It's a choice to cross your boundary and a choice to engage in behavior. It's foolish to act like infidelty isn't out there, it's being aware of it and knowing your boundaries. There's absolutely nothing we can't and don't talk about. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your spouse. This is the best thing either of us have ever had so we're not about to screw that up. Frankly sex is better with him than any strange would ever be bc we're so open and connected it allows us to be fully vulnerable which breeds more security bc we know divorce is not an option. Fortunately though we're insanely attracted to each other inside and out so it's really a moot point! 3
HHC Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? I have no moment in time where I went 'Yup, this is him'. I enter relationships to find the one. I've never dated or played the field. All I know is the effort I put into him was never a strain and the love and respect I got back made me know that I had the right guy. I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with him if I didn't feel safe and loved. It was many many years before I was ready to marry him, but I knew from very early on he was the one I wanted to grow old with. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships?My husband accepts me for who I am. Doesnt try to change me and is genuinely a nice guy. My ex wasn't nice and didn't have any desire to care for anyone but him and his needs. It's not that my husband is different to my ex, per say, but he's a normal human being and my ex wasn't. what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? He makes sure he tells me he loves me and shows it. He has learned over the years how I work, so does things based on what I need and not how he works. He is always kind and respectful of me and my feelings, even if he doesn't understand or like them. My husband supports me and encourages me to just be me. Doesn't matter what that means, doesn't matter how much drama it brings to the relationship, he allows me to be me and he supports me. It's a very freeing experience. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. You have to be in it for them. You have to care how they feel. You have to always make a decision or act with them in mind. You want to make sure you always want to make them happy and you do things for them that you know they like and not that you want them to like. You have to adapt to how they work and how they're wired and not keep trying to get them to be you. More importantly want to be with them for the person they are right then and there. No one should expect anyone to change. If for some reason one of you do change, communicate and talk about it. Never ever let anything fester and sit, or assume the other person already knows. But the most important thing is, if you don't like them and don't want to spend time with them, you should never marry them 1
quankanne Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? 20 years next month; never really considered marriage even though I put a lot of effort in staying in contact with this man while he worked in another state, then another country. When first began talking marriage, something in my head clicked, and I realized it was what I wanted too ... as for knowing it was *him* ... as I explained in another post, it was a sure feeling about him that let me know this was a relationship I would enjoy being part of, no matter how long it lasted. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didn't have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? husband has a certain respect about us as a couple. Not to say that we don't argue or say rude things about each other, but with him, there's no mistaking that we are a "we," not "him, and me" ... What really makes me swoon, and feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world? The fact that he holds my hand/kisses me in public. I'm a secret romantic, and these are very, very endearing traits that I've never enjoyed with any other guy :love: 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. first off, keep an open mind about enrichening your relationship, whether it's counseling or retreats designed to strengthen your marriage ~ these give you tools for better communication, and that's a huge thing, especially considering you're trying to meld two lives/lifestyles into something that works for both of you. learn how to constructively argue. No pot-shots or dragging up crap from the past, but staying focused on what you're specifically not happy about. realize that it's okay to be angry with someone, or that you want to pinch their fool head off ... it doesn't mean you've stopped loving each other, just that you're experiencing a very natural, very human response to something that annoys you. When you realize that love the foundation of your relationship, arguments seem to become less because now you're focused on the important stuff and you learn to choose your fights, so to speak. don't go into marriage thinking divorce is an option. Because when you do that, you've already given up on the relationship. Unless there are specific dealbreakers (abusive behavior, for instance), you can work through just about anything if you put your mind to it. oh ... don't ever tell yourself that marriage is an equal partnership in the sense that you both give 50/50. That's the recipe for a power struggle, not a healthy marriage. You give it your best, and you learn to complement what gifts you bring to the table. Like, for instance, you HATE vacuuming but don't mind cleaning the kitchen after meals, while he likes cooking and running the vacuum cleaner ... it doesn't make you a bad wife, just one who understands her likes and dislikes. Make it work for you, you'll be much happier than arguing over who is responsible for domestic chores! 1
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Rules to live by! Never go to bed pissed off at eachother. Don't fight/argue over stupid things, it just isn't worth the irritation. I've learned after being with him for 18 1/2 years, sometimes it's just best to let him think he's right.. Not worth the hassel and headache of the ego game, you're right/I'm wrong thing. Some couples are dramatic and fight over silly stuff. Communicate. Be fair, listen and put yourself in eachothers shoes. Lines and boundries. If you two DO argue and/or fight don't cross the lines! Meaning, no pot shots, low blows, swearing at eachother or name calling. All that does is fuel the fire and you'll both clam up and get more mad. Make efforts to keep the passion and fun alive. Know when to give eachother space. Don't take things personally or out of context. He married you so he does love you! If he chooses a video game or watching tv in his undies over spending an afternoon with you once in a while, that's OK. ENJOY your time away from him.. Which leads me to each of you NEED to have lives. Don't rely on him to make you happy all the time. Don't expect him to fulfill every single need. That's what friends are for. Go out with your women friends. Spend time with your family without him too.. Do hobbies that you enjoy that don't always involve him. This is healthy and gives you both a chance to talk about your day and share stories. Accept him for who he is. Be tolerant because as time goes on, habits form and trust me!! SOME WILL DRIVE YOU absolutely nuts! Some days you'll want to throw a shoe at him because he's annoying the hell out of you.. Just know that if you both are patient and tolerant of eachother's habits you'll learn to laugh it off and keep all your shoes! Intimacy..be close. Hold hands, cuddle and kiss. Tell eachother I love you every day. Make special time for one another to keep the flame alive and passionate. Know that there will be rocky and rough times..Have faith that things will work themselves out over time and strength. Life throws some pretty shi.tty stuff around, so rely on eachother during the bad times. Don't let ANYBODY get between you two either. What else I can I add.. Don't fight about household chores, it evens out eventually. I'm sure I'll think of more tomorrow. 3
standtall Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. any extra points that would help please feel free to share! 1. 16 yrs..dated on/off for 7. She helped me find out who I was and we grew together. My wife is a beautiful person inside and out. 2. We both have a God and Bible centered marriage. We focus our attentions on God, each other, our children, other family and friends, then everything else....... in that order. My wife puts me first in front of our children and family, and she does not believe in divorce. 3. Marriage is for life and you make it work. Put your spouse before yourself. Do not argue in front of the children and stand together shoulder to shoulder in front of them and everyone else. If you have an issue, take it offline and discuss it privately later. Do not have casual relationships with members of the opposite sex...have relationships with other couples or people of the same gender. Communicate with each other on a daily basis. When it comes to arguing, even if you are 100% right, always leave your spouse a dignified exit. Find the handle on your spouse...what makes them happy...and give it to them. 2
quankanne Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) ENJOY your time away from him.. Which leads me to each of you NEED to have lives. good point, and one I forgot to make, too. Spending time apart pursuing things you enjoy doesn't necessarily mean you don't care about each other, but that you respect the need for a healthy amount of space. For us, that means separate vacations, which has been marvelous because we can enjoy spending time with certain family members/friends without boring the other one to death. another important thing is to include your spouse in your circle of friends and be transparent when it comes to those relationships. One thing I love best about my friends is that even though they don't see a whole lot of him, they have embraced him as an important part of my life, and in turn, he treats them like family because he knows how much they mean to me. And that has built up a strong sense of trust between him and them, so much so that it doesn't bother him when one of the guys calls me up to chat or that I decide to run down to the beach to spend the week with my best friend and his wife. I've been very, very blessed in that sense, because their wives have been as accepting of me as my husband has been of my guy friends ... Edited May 28, 2012 by quankanne
xxoo Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? Married around 20 years. We decided to marry each other because we loved each other deeply, we had a strong desire to be together, we were a good team, and we were beginning to make major life decisions on the basis of us being together for the long term. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? I didn't have any comparable previous relationships. He had at least one serious girlfriend before me. He says the chemistry with us was stronger. What keeps me happy and secure--he treats me like a girlfriend, even all these years, with looks, comments, playful flirtation, etc. He is hardworking and dependable, and has always been an involved dad and attentive husband. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. Before marriage: look for the important stuff. Is the sexual attraction strong and mutual? Is the communication good? Can you resolve conflict together? Are either of you avoiding conflict? Etc. After marriage: treat each other like a bf or gf. Never take each other for granted. Realize that a good relationship is a hard to find, and value it. A relationship is like a garden. It needs attention, water, tending. It isn't necessarily "work", but it is effort. The effort is often enjoyable, and the rewards are immeasurable. Finally, have lots and lots of great sex 2
Lauriebell82 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? I do not meet the 3 year requirement for marriage, we have been married for 1 year, 9 months. Together for 6 years total. I decided to marry my husband because he is a sweet, smart, funny man. I love him very much. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? The most important thing is that we have trust. My husband does sweet things for me, and after we have an argument we are always able to talk things out and it makes our relationship stronger. That keeps me secure and happy, which didn't happen in ANY of my previous relationships. He also tells me he loves me unconditionally no matter what. I already know that, however it's nice to hear. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. Make sure that you can accept and deal with your partner's faults PRIOR to marrying them. And do not expect them to change. Ever! Also be willing to work through rough times/situations. They happen in every relationship. It's important to note though that I am talking about conflict in healthy relationships, not ones that include lies and cheating. That is a different story.
seren Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 hello my little LoveShaker's i saw that thread about the best relationship ever, it made me smile, but i didn't want to hijack it! so i have question for people that have been married three years plus, and are happy and could see them selves staying married forever and get through any difficulties. i exclude infidelity i know that for some people is unforgivable, and it doesn't mean they didnt try hard to save their marriage. 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? We have been married 25 yrs, together for over 27. I literally saw him accross a crowded room and and thought he was just beautiful, he says he saw me too and felt the same. It felt like a ' ah, there you are' moment and that hasn't gone away. I married him because he made my heart sing, made me laugh muchly, floated my boat, still does, his gentleness, the feeling of being home and of being, truly, madly, deeply in love. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? TBH it is so hard to explain, sometimes it is hard to see where one ends and the other begins, he just completes me and I him. he does the little things like, finding the first violets and picking me a bunch because he knows I love them, he accepts me for who I am, quirks and all, he makes me laugh, a lot, we share the same weird sense of humour and we are peace when with each other. We dance in the kitchen when there is no music, we remember the small everyday things that cost nothing and mean much and I fancy the pants off him, he doesn't notice that I have aged, put on a little weight or that I am slower getting about due to disability, to him, I am still the same person he fell in love with and he shows it. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. Don't expect constant unicorns and rainbows, life isn't a fairy story, there will be testing times, how you both deal with that is the true test of a strong relationship. never go to sleep on an argument, remember what it is about the person you love and always remember they are people before they are a husband or wife. Have date nights, never have his or your chairs, the sofa is where we cuddle each night, I am a huge lover of cuddles and intimacy, don't sweat the small things, they aren't important. There will be times when the romance takes a back seat, just remember that it takes work sometimes and be prepared for that. It is the small, everyday things that add up to make a great relationship, recognise and acknowledge them and always, always enjoy each other. Reciprocate, don't forget it isn't all about taking, giving is such a joy when the person you are giving to is the one you love and finally, if it is going wrong, talk, talk and be prepared to listen.
BetheButterfly Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 hello my little LoveShaker's i saw that thread about the best relationship ever, it made me smile, but i didn't want to hijack it! so i have question for people that have been married three years plus, and are happy and could see them selves staying married forever and get through any difficulties. I don't meet the qualifications for answering, cause my husband and I have only been married since last September, but can I answer anyways??? Please???
KathyM Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 hello my little LoveShaker's i saw that thread about the best relationship ever, it made me smile, but i didn't want to hijack it! so i have question for people that have been married three years plus, and are happy and could see them selves staying married forever and get through any difficulties. i exclude infidelity i know that for some people is unforgivable, and it doesn't mean they didnt try hard to save their marriage. 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. any extra points that would help please feel free to share! despite the fact that this is aimed at a particular group of people, anyone is welcome to post, and share. :):bunny: Thank you 1. Married at 19, still married to the same man at middle age. (Don't want to be too specific in order to maintain anonimity). I married him because he was very sweet, handsome, intelligent, caring about my feelings, shared my faith and values, polite, considerate, athletic, and we were very compatible, and he also had a lot of ambition, which I admired. We also enjoyed doing a lot of the same things. Had a lot in common. 2. My previous boyfriends did not share my faith and values, so that was a dealbreaker right there. My first long term boyfriend had to return to his home country when his visa ran out, but I was going to break up with him anyway, since the values thing was creating problems in our relationship anyway. I dumped my second long term boyfriend because of our difference in values. My husband compliments me a lot, says endearing things every day to me, and shows me a lot of sexual interest on a daily basis, which keeps our interest level in each other pretty high. He's always been very helpful around the house and has a great work ethic. We seldom have disagreements on division of labor--he's very good about doing what needs to be done, and he shows appreciation for my cooking. He assures me that he will always be faithful. He tells me he loves me on a daily basis, supports me in pursuing my dreams, and shows appreciation for what I do for him. 3. My advice to people to keep their marriage healthy is to express love for your spouse on a daily basis, both in actions and in words. Don't neglect to give your spouse plenty of affection, keep your sex life with each other interesting and enjoyable, keep emotionally connected with your spouse on a daily basis. Find out how his day went and engage him in conversations that show interest in what he is interested in. Don't neglect your own life--keep up your interests, ambitions and appearance so he gets to see the woman he fell in love with and married on a daily basis. Spend time with each other outside of the house doing things you both enjoy. That keeps you connected and enjoying life together. Don't disrespect your spouse. Don't engage in petty arguments, but when you do have to argue a point, keep it civil and productive, and don't hit below the belt with name calling or other nasty tactics. Do your share of the housework without grumbling--preferably more than your share. Trust your spouse and don't give him any reason not to trust you. Set appropriate boundaries in a relationship to protect it from outsiders that have no respect for marriage. Parent as a team, and not as competitors with each other. Don't put your children ahead of your spouse. Feed your husband's faith by keeping God at the head of your family through what you practice in your home and in your community so that, no matter how much he might be mad at you for the moment, he would never betray his faith because you encouraged him to keep it strong. Seek counseling when the relationship starts to go south, to correct any issues that you need help on before they get so bad that it becomes too much to recover from.
Author irin Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 I don't meet the qualifications for answering, cause my husband and I have only been married since last September, but can I answer anyways??? Please??? despite the fact that this is aimed at a particular group of people, anyone is welcome to post, and share ofcourse anyone is welcome even if not married. its a public forum. :)
The Blue Knight Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 (edited) 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. any extra points that would help please feel free to share! 1) 15 years. I decided to marry her because she's a fine person with an easy going personality. She's easy to get along with and doesn't have any hidden agendas. What you see is what she is. There are plenty of phoney people out there. My advice . . . steer away from them. They will always let you down because the public image they project is not who they really are. 2) Compared to my first marriage, this one has been like night and day. My ex-wife was very high maintenance. She was needy from a material point of view and always had to have something *new* in her life or she just didn't feel complete . . . House . . . Car . . . Dog . . . Cabin . . . Horse . . . it was endless. You could never really satisfy her because as soon as she achieved what she desired, she was off to the races for the next thing on her list. On top of that she struggled with depression. I have no idea why because she had a very good life, loving children, and a husband who cared for her immensely. But she was depressed off and on nevertheless and that weighs heavily on a marriage as the years go by. My current wife doesn't really need anything more than what she has and we are blessed and she is thankful for that. She places the most importance on just being with me and our kids and enjoying our time together. That's truly what matters most to her. She is down to earth at the most basic level. She is easy to please. We both put God at the center of our marriage which is vital for us. You divorce-proof your marriage by not allowing that to come into any discussion. And you use the Biblical recipe "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" to make it work day-in and day-out. 3) What to look for in a life partner? Go for low maintenance. High maintenance personalities seem fine when you meet them, and might even seem exciting and adventurous at times, but over the long haul, they will wear you down and burn you out, and they are never truly pleased with anything . . . particularly their own lives. Make whoever you choose to be with your best friend and make sure you are their best friend. Treat them as you want to be treated. Always give 90% and take 10%. If both individuals apply this formula of putting the other one first, the marriage will endure. Never take your spouse for granted. Familiarity is the slippery slope toward the marriage falling apart or someone stumbling into an affair because they don't feel an emotional or sexual connection any longer. Date your spouse. Treat them as you treated them when you dated them. Tell them how special they are to you every chance you get. Reiterate that you love them by what you say and what you do. Intimacy and sexual contact is very important. If either of you decides you no longer *need it* the marriage is doomed to fail. Sex is typically part of the deal. Ladies, if you're using sex while dating to catch the guy knowing you really don't like sex or have any particular need for sex, you're not being honest and the marriage will eventually fail. Men, if you're being sweet, romantic, and accommodating while dating knowing you're not truly *that type* and after the wedding you can dump all the pretenses, you're not being honest and the marriage will fail. My point is, don't pretend to have values you really don't have because you want to marry that individual. Honesty going in is the best approach. Keep the fire lit sexually. If you don't satisfy your spouse, someone else eventually will. And to go along with that, it means you don't allow yourself to slip physically after 10 or 20 years. Meaning . . . ladies if he marries a woman 5'4, 125 lbs, he shouldn't be looking at a woman 5'4, 175 lbs 10 years later. And I don't want to hear the "baby" excuse. I know plenty of women who have had 2-5 children who look better than they did before kids. That excuse grows tiresome. And men that means if she married an athletic stud of 5'11, 190 lbs, she shouldn't be looking at a 5'11, 260 lb couch potato with a 40 inch waist line 10 years later. Keep up your appearances. Letting them slip sends an unconscious signal to your spouse that you no longer care and that you're taking them for granted. Edited May 29, 2012 by The Blue Knight 1
Sarie Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 1. how long have you been married, and what made you decide to marry your partner? My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years but we've been together a total of 8. We met when I was 15 and we've never broken up or even thought about it. We decided to get married on our 5 year anniversary because we love each other and were ready to spend the rest of our lives together. 2. what do you have in this relationship that you didnt have in previous relationships? what does your SO do in particular that keeps you happy and secure in your relationship? Well considering we met when I was 15, he was 17, we didn't really have any serious relationships before each other. But, what keeps us happy is that we are best friends. We get along so well, have a lot in common, and have great communication. He also puts up with a lot of my emotional issues and is very patient with me- that is a plus. 3. what advice would you give to people who are interested in getting married. like what is most important, that keeps you away from the divorce lawyers? or looking else where. A lot of my friends are getting married (I am 23) and I feel like young people are pressured to get married after we graduate college. My advice would be to make sure you are ready first. And live with the person first! Make sure you know you would do anything for the person, you would always put them over yourself and that you can see yourself growing old with them. Marriage is very serious and a lot of people don't take it as serious anymore. Divorce is more common and I think people either get married for the wrong reasons or they give up too easy.
happyme Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Married just over one year, together for four. What made me want to marry him? His character.... reliable, kind, dependable. That's the bottom line. He also happens to be the sexiest man I have ever come across, in every way. He's funny, sweet. What I personally have in this relationship which I haven't had in previous ones is the total enjoyment of sex and the sharing of my own sensuality. What an eye-opener!! OMG.... I had to wait 42 years for that but it was soooooo.... worth it Advice? Pfff... a certain 'knowledge' about that person if you like, a recognition of safety together with strong attraction on all levels. Basically I could eat him alive (and do on a regular basis...
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