GG3 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 * I’ve been seeing this guy since February.* There are some things about him that make him a really nice and great guy.* Then other things, I’m not so sure and I’m getting tired of it. * From the getgo he has been super busy.* He plays social sports and takes evening classes.* He’s 41, I’m 33 and we are both engineers.* He’s never been married and has had two long term relationships of one year and two years.* I’ve never been married but was with someone for 5 and half years and a couple of smaller relationships.* He hardly ever has free time.* He does tend to spend weekends with me, but Friday night is one sport.** Saturday morning, another sport.* And then some of the weekend is spent doing homework or studying.* (as in most of Sunday)* He always spends Saturday night with me.* * During the week he either has class or another sport.* If he does get freed up, he wants to hit the gym.* I’ve tried to be understand, but I’ve hit my limit.* I feel like if he wants to get to know each other better, he will have to free up one of his evenings. * A week ago he took a trip to see a family member graduate.* The week before this trip, I felt like things were progressing well and I was happy with the way things were.* I’ve had a hard time coming out of my shell, but was feeling like I was pretty comfortable.* But while he was gone I barely heard from him.* He said he felt bad about that.* He did call towards the end.** But there was no flirting, no bedtime calls.* Just not much to them.* He’s been back about a week now and he hasn’t been the same like he had been.* I did spend last week with him.* But we don’t talk as much. * I brought this up last night and said I felt like he was distant.* He said he didn’t mean to be and he really was just busy on his trip.* But he said a concern he had about “us” was that we don’t converse well and have a lot of lulls in our conversations.* He said it just doesn’t seem like we have a lot to talk about. * This hurt my feelings as I have been shy and tried to come out of my shell.* He’s said many times that I’m very quiet.* But I also feel like if he was spending a little more time with me, maybe we would have had more conversation clicking by now.* The fact that he barely talked to me the whole week he was gone didn’t help.* When he came back, it’s like I had to get comfortable again.* And the fact that he hasn’t made time for me in the middle of the week, I feel like once again we could maybe talk better.* Instead of he has focused on us playing “words with friends” to feel like we are together.* What a joke.* On top of this, I’ve felt like he has become one of those guys that talks about himself a lot and likes it if I talk about him.* But if I say things about myself, I feel like he isn’t interested.* Or he changes the subject back to himself.* Well how does that help me talk more?* I told him that part and he admitted sometimes he wasn’t interested in what I said.* But then he said he felt like I did that too.* I told him sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. * He told me not to be so upset and that he was just trying to talk about a problem we have and wants to fix it.* But it was hard for me to not take it personally.* It’s basically like saying we aren’t clicking.* And I feel like he really hasn’t put a lot of effort into spending enough time with me so that this problem didn’t happen. * He also told me that in the last 7 years, I am the only girl his friends have met.* So that has me wondering if he just doesn’t know how to be in a relationship or make time for a woman.* I haven’t met anyone this busy in a very long time.* He is a sweet person and a nice guy.* He is a lot of things I was looking for and I hate to let this one go. * What’s the deal?* What can I do? Can I even fix this?
ladyabstrused Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 He’s said many times that I’m very quiet.* But I also feel like if he was spending a little more time with me, maybe we would have had more conversation clicking by now.* The fact that he barely talked to me the whole week he was gone didn’t help.* When he came back, it’s like I had to get comfortable again.* And the fact that he hasn’t made time for me in the middle of the week, I feel like once again we could maybe talk better.* Instead of he has focused on us playing “words with friends” to feel like we are together.* What a joke.* On top of this, I’ve felt like he has become one of those guys that talks about himself a lot and likes it if I talk about him.* But if I say things about myself, I feel like he isn’t interested.* Or he changes the subject back to himself.* Well how does that help me talk more?* I told him that part and he admitted sometimes he wasn’t interested in what I said.* But then he said he felt like I did that too.* I told him sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. Gasp! This was exactly what I went through too. Exactly the same situation here. I can talk a lot at times but most of the time, he talks a lot more and he dislikes me interrupting so I just keep quiet and listen most of the time until I just get used to it and never have much to say to him. When I do, it feels like I'm taking up time or its not as interesting as his stories or whatever that he likes to talk about. Until the day we broke up just a week ago or so, this was still an issue. I don't know how to fix this though...if it can even be fixed. This alone is already a red flag. Difficult communication between each other. You'll just end up being unhappy. :\ * He told me not to be so upset and that he was just trying to talk about a problem we have and wants to fix it.* But it was hard for me to not take it personally.* It’s basically like saying we aren’t clicking.* And I feel like he really hasn’t put a lot of effort into spending enough time with me so that this problem didn’t happen. * He also told me that in the last 7 years, I am the only girl his friends have met.* So that has me wondering if he just doesn’t know how to be in a relationship or make time for a woman.* I haven’t met anyone this busy in a very long time.* He is a sweet person and a nice guy.* He is a lot of things I was looking for and I hate to let this one go. * What’s the deal?* What can I do? Can I even fix this?
Eddie Edirol Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 You cant expect him to WANT to spend more time with you when you arent interesting to spend time with. You have to be interesting first, then he will want to spend more time with you. If he says he isnt interested in what you have to say, Im pretty sure that isnt something you can fix, unless you can magically open up. Im sure he knows how to be in a relationship, but he just isnt picking the right women to be in a relationship with. I suggest you let this one go and find a man that finds you interesting, as you learn to open up. You arent going to get this one to spend more time with you before you become more interesting for him. 1
dasein Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 IMO, you are putting a bit too much pressure on for four months. Learn to express yourself to a man other than "you seem distant." Many of us have heard that many times and get annoyed at it as a "fishing for reassurance here we go again" question. After hearing it enough, it sounds hostile in a passive aggressive way, like you are telling him "something is wrong with you." This could explain him reacting with the "lulls in your conversations" talk. But if you feel you can tell someone they are distant, you must be ready for them to be honest about what they perceive as relationship problems without getting angry or upset. If you want him to call more, tell him. If he doesn't, then decide whether the relationship is working for you or not at that time. Same with spending time together. At this point your options are to either accept his lifestyle as it is or not and move on. I get a feeling that trying to change this guy is going to be a nonstarter. Have you ever considered that sports are a very healthy activity for a partner to be involved in as opposed to going out drinking, clubbing, partying, tv, xbox? I'd be overjoyed to have a woman who did a few different sports with her time. On a side note why all the asterisks? Is that some texting thing?
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I think he's intentionally trying to spend as little time with you as possible, he doesn't find you interesting to talk to and really just enjoys your time and companionship when it satisfies his needs. Being with you is sounding like a chore to him, and instead of investing time getting to know you and get closer to you he doesn't really have the desire and motivation to...he just blames it on you being too boring and probably just feels you want to spend time for time sakes. Other than sex and intimacy he doesn't seem like he's interested in much more. This guy also sounds a bit full of himself, his life is packed with things he loves to do...this is something to watch out for, for guys who are really into sports and are somewhat athletes, they tend to have an ego. He also probably doesn't feel like you're on his level, his seems board and seems to resent/blame you for this...slowly I anticipate he will push you away until an obvious disconnect is apparent. You might think he's a great guy (every girl on here does with the guy their with) but he doesn't sound like a great guy to me and likes he's interested in spending quality time with you...which for a man is his most valuable commodity, and they hate to invest effort into things they really don't want to. I think you're more sucked up into who he you think he is rather than the relationship you actually have, which is pretty common. You also seem pretty inexperienced with relationships and a bit of an introvert, but somehow you've still found yourself in them which begs the question what were these relationships like IF you're just kind of stuck in this one? As for him, I mean c'mon...one relationship that's been one year and another two years and the guys 41? that kinda tells you right there he's a commitment phone and doesn't sound like sharing his life with women as much as he likes just sharing his bed...personally, I'm not really sure what you're expecting from this guy and it doesn't sound like you're the magic stick to knock him out of this "rut" which I guess that's what women think they can do with a guy with his kind of history...who knows! doesn't sound like a relationship guy to me.
Author GG3 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I wrote this out in a document then copy pasted here. For some reason it put all these asterisks in it. All good points to consider. Of course I have been greatful he does sports instead of party. I just can't be expected to be chatty and have a big connection with someone when they barely make time for me.
Author GG3 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 It's strange if he really feels that way because most guys see me as "fun." I've had no problems getting dates. I do have certain hobbies but I'm not going to fill up my schedule like his.
Pierre Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 It's strange if he really feels that way because most guys see me as "fun." I've had no problems getting dates. I do have certain hobbies but I'm not going to fill up my schedule like his. This guy is a child and I believe he is not that much into you. Too many sporting events and little time with GF is suspicious for the 'not into you" syndrome. I could be wrong and maybe he needs little lovin' from a woman.
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