Radagast Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I was very surprised when I found myself agreeing to participate in an affair. It was not how I saw myself at all. During the affair I also got to see parts of myself I hadn't really known, or acknowledged, before. For example, I had always considered myself the responsible, dutiful one, making sure everyone else was happy and yet during the affair I discovered my own capacity for happiness and also for having fun, which I'd never really considered before. I was always focused on making sure other people had fun. Also I discovered how much I enjoyed exploring new things. Having been settled for so long with a partner who was very clear on what she enjoyed and what she did not I was a stranger to the pleasures of discovery. For those who are, or have been, in an affair, what did you learn about yourself as a result of your affair? 1
wellwhynot Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 For those who are, or have been, in an affair, what did you learn about yourself as a result of your affair? I have learned that I am very good at communicating what is important to me to my partner, I have learned that I am more tolerant of others foibles than I thought I was, I realized that I will never be a truly patient person no matter how hard I try, introspection has shown me that my happiness is important to me and that I deserve to be loved for me, and that I don't have to look at my choices as settling if all my goals are met. 3
JustJoe Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 It taught me that I am not immune to making bad choices. Because of my Mother's affair, I always told myself that I would never be so low as to engage in one, myself. Here I was, an honorable man, doing dishonorable things. It sucked a**. 2
Angelina527 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 It taught me that I was a horrible person to interfere in someone else's marriage. It taught me that I will never lower myself to that level again. 2
Bellechica Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) It taught me never to judge anyone. It taught me that there was a part of me that was very weak and vulnerable. I have never felt so low in my entire life. In the end however, the A has taught me to be ever vigilent and to see the value in my H and M. It taught me never to let down my guard and I'm much stronger now that it's over. Edited May 23, 2012 by Bellechica 2
woinlove Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 It taught me how selfish I was, as I didn't see that at the time. It taught me that if honesty was important to me, I also had to encourage it in those I love and am intimate with. It taught me the importance of treating others as we want to be treated. 4
skywriter Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Radagast, Thank you so much for starting this post. I rarely if ever post in the infedelity section, so I appreciate feeling I have a reason to post here. I related to all the posters before me and would've said everything that has already been posted. I, like you never expected that I'd agree to an A as well. In fact, I said, absolutly not from his first appraoch, cursed him out and sent him on his way. Obviously, eventuallym after alot of time, discussions, his time with my son, I did participate. Now, I can only mimic what's been said by others, I've learned not to judge.I didnt realise what I am capable of, it changed me into a person that is angry and full of resentment at myself, because it isn't who I aspire to be. I just want to learn everything I can from this experience, that I insisted on putting myself through, so that I will be a better friend, mother, lover, whatever the higher power has in store for me. 2
MissBee Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) I differentiate what I learned from the affair...which is a very specific dynamic and what I learned from interacting with my AP. I think the affair lessons are those things I learned specifically because it was an affair and because a lot of dynamics only existed because it was an A...then there are things I learned about myself by simply interacting with him In terms of what the affair itself taught me: - it's easy to "end up" where you didn't think you would if you aren't vigilant - compartmentalization. I learned I could think of the reality of the situation one day and be upset, then be wrapped up with him the next, with it far from my mind and thinking I had a good relationship. - I got to witness for myself how one can conduct a double life and have it go under the radar -don't make assumptions about people's relationship status, ask them outright In short, I felt like I got to see a firsthand documentary/expose of As and while at that time I didn't think about it too much, now, I'm glad I saw for myself. Now I know what to look for and know that some myths about As and about the primary relationship, about OW etc are not true. I also learned that an A dynamic is not for me and I'm glad I experienced it earlier in life so that it may act as a repellent in the future. Edited May 24, 2012 by MissBee 2
woinlove Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 I differentiate what I learned from the affair...which is a very specific dynamic and what I learned from interacting with my AP. I think the affair lessons are those things I learned specifically because it was an affair and because a lot of dynamics only existed because it was an A...then there are things I learned about myself by simply interacting with him In terms of what the affair itself taught me: - it's easy to "end up" where you didn't think you would if you aren't vigilant - compartmentalization. I learned I could think of the reality of the situation one day and be upset, then be wrapped up with him the next, with it far from my mind and thinking I had a good relationship. - I got to witness for myself how one can conduct a double life and have it go under the radar -don't make assumptions about people's relationship status, ask them outright In short, I felt like I got to see a firsthand documentary/expose of As and while at that time I didn't think about it too much, now, I'm glad I saw for myself. Now I know what to look for and know that some myths about As and about the primary relationship, about OW etc are not true. I also learned that an A dynamic is not for me and I'm glad I experienced it earlier in life so that it may act as a repellent in the future. Re the bolded, good point - I think most people responded specifically as to what they learned from being in an affair as opposed to an out in the open relationship. Clearly, we may learn things from any person we have an R with. I also feel I learned the specific points you list as learning from the A too.
Author Radagast Posted May 25, 2012 Author Posted May 25, 2012 My affair also taught me I was worthy of love and respect. I learned that I was good enough and that I wasn't just "tolerated" but enjoyed and savoured. I learned that my opinions mattered and that people wanted to hear what I had to offer. I learned that I was loved for myself and not only tolerated because of what I could provide. I learned that I could see the world in colour and that I could view the future with hope instead of dread. I learned that I am worthy of the love of the most special woman on the planet. 1
DuchessKaye Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 It taught me how to sign up and join a forum like LS... 1
cocorico Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 For those who are, or have been, in an affair, what did you learn about yourself as a result of your affair? I learnt that love was real and I could enjoy it.
MissBee Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Re the bolded, good point - I think most people responded specifically as to what they learned from being in an affair as opposed to an out in the open relationship. Clearly, we may learn things from any person we have an R with. I also feel I learned the specific points you list as learning from the A too. Yea, my list of what I learned from him as a person is something different altogether.
wellwhynot Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 I also learned that trusting your instincts is important and I've learned what my own boundaries are. I've also learned that the opinions of some people just don't matter to me and that toxic people add nothing to my life. I actually learned a lot about me that doesn't relate directly to my affair but instead because of my affair. I learned that it really was ok to be myself and to stop trying to conform to what other people thought I should be.
sad puppy Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 What did I learn about myself? Very thought provoking question. I learned (because I did a lot of research on affairs, sexless marriages, everyone's viewpoints' in the triangle, ...) about the components of a healthy relationship, about my standards, my expectations, and my desires. I knew nothing about emotionally unavailable people and their characteristics. I knew nothing about betrayal and lies within a relationship. I learned about having to find the courage to make hard decisions. I learned about spiritual signs. Having observed my xMM and his lifestyle, his betrayal of his kids and spouse, his inability to handle the situation with maturity and clarity (ultimately he moved out), his lack of courage, ... all showed me what I absolutely do not want in a partner. His utter lack of appropriate emotional boundaries (not just with me, but in other situations) really gave me pause. As a highly regarded professional, he lived a sham of a life with his spouse. Their dysfunctional marriage has now impacted his kids (ie, 14 year old has no friends) and his wife/he have hurt his parents. Yet, he was struggling to make the marriage work, when even in the face of so many problems, he had trouble pulling the trigger to leave. Once I found out more information as to the dynamics in the marriage, I started to see a sexual & emotional cripple. Sounds harsh, but it's true. I'm pretty introspective, so I knew I had to get out. I knew I could never trust him, ultimately. From reading on LS, I saw the behavior of many BSs - spying on phone records, emails, watching, wondering, ... I just knew that I could not deal with that. Ever. Yes, we were a very good match in many ways, I truly believe we had an amazing connection (not sexually, btw). There was so much I loved about him, I still do. But, finally, it got to the point that I saw a broken, confused man who just didn't have the components internally to really live a healthy emotional life. I knew moving forward with him, he would continue to be caught in a weird, dysfunctional dynamic with his wife, and quite frankly, didn't really believe he was a good father after all. His choices were selfish and hurtful to so many in his family, but when I could see the damage being created that impacted the kids (not from the affair), it was all stuff in play before we met, I knew I needed to go as I did not trust & admire him. I compared him to my good friends that are married and are fathers. He just was not up to snuff in any way. I am now quite clear on emotional boundaries, I think I thought, well, we fell in love, we seriously began to talk about our life together, his marriage was dead in the water, so, let's go. Yes, I will always be impatient. But as I really got to know him, I just knew I couldn't trust him for the long haul. I do believe I was his only affair partner, I know he loved me. But he wan't capable of the healthy love I wanted. So, now I look forward to meeting a man that is free & clear, a man that I respect & admire, that I can give my all to. I feel more "grown-up" about expectations for a serious relationship as I've thought it all out. It was a difficult emotional situation, I was in turmoil (good and bad) for the better part of 2 years. I learned so much. I don't regret meeting him, nor loving him. But I think most of all, I learned that I deserve to be number one with a man. XMM even said that, when he had decided to leave the marriage - he looked at me and said "you could do so much better than me, you know". I didn't respond. When I left him, many months ago, one of that last things I said to him was, "you know what, you're right. I can do so much better than you". And walked out the door. 1
Got it Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 What did I learn about myself? I learned that I could choose to do things that would hurt other people. I learned that I needed and could communicate better than I had and that I needed a man willing to put the same energy into our relationship. I learned that I could no longer settle and hang on to my marriage like a security blanket. I learned that I was much braver than I thought and I am now much more humble. I am now much more appreciative of the little things in life and I make sure to show others my appreciation on a daily basis. I learned I am much stronger than I thought I was. And I learned I may have a long fuse but boy I have a temper!
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