Angelina527 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Just wondering how some of you get through the times when the dark thoughts about the OP take over? For me, the OW who was remorseful is not a thought any longer, but the others who were heartless and unapologetic haunt me and I have a difficult time putting them out of my mind at times. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the thought that someone can help to destroy another person and truly not care.
96nole Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Just wondering how some of you get through the times when the dark thoughts about the OP take over? For me, the OW who was remorseful is not a thought any longer, but the others who were heartless and unapologetic haunt me and I have a difficult time putting them out of my mind at times. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the thought that someone can help to destroy another person and truly not care. Because some people just suck! It's as simple as that. My STBXWhore's OM was more than happy to break up our marriage. He fed her more baloney lines and lies that she fell for it. He has nothing and saw her as a meal ticket. My ex is too stupid to see it. You can only hope that karma, fate, whatever gets them at some point. They are just selfish garbage. Good people like ourselves can't comprehend or understand those actions. We have a conscience, they don't. You are not going to be able to handle the thought of those kinds of people because you are unable to be that kind of scum. You're just going to have to do your best to put it out of your mind because you are incapable of that kind of thought. Thank God for that.
Furious Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Just wondering how some of you get through the times when the dark thoughts about the OP take over? For me, the OW who was remorseful is not a thought any longer, but the others who were heartless and unapologetic haunt me and I have a difficult time putting them out of my mind at times. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the thought that someone can help to destroy another person and truly not care. They don't see it as helping someone to destroy you. They don't know you, therefore you are irrelevant. They did not put the knife in your back, the WS did that. 2
Summer Breeze Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Just wondering how some of you get through the times when the dark thoughts about the OP take over? For me, the OW who was remorseful is not a thought any longer, but the others who were heartless and unapologetic haunt me and I have a difficult time putting them out of my mind at times. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the thought that someone can help to destroy another person and truly not care. I'm not trying to be contrary here. I have a legitimate question. Why does the attitude of the OP affect you? One apologized and the others didn't. You seem to need for them to all have been apologetic. Why? I know it would probably make you feel better if they did apologize but would it truly make any difference to your healing? You also don't know what they're feeling now either. Maybe they were defensive or heartbroken at the moment and reacted to you with a mask rather than their real selves. Depending on the amount of time that's passed they may have changed as well. Maybe what you wanted then is what they're feeling now but you will never, ever know that. Please don't dwell on it. I do know it's much harder to do than say but I hope you don't allow it to pull you down. 1
Owl Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Here's my suggestion. When you have those thoughts...immediately 'change the channel' in your mind by thinking..."That's how things WERE. Now they're so much better. OP was relevent to the situation then...but now, they're not.". It'll fade over time as you continue to recover. 5
SomedayDig Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 You always find a way to help me see things a little differently Owl. I've noticed that lately I don't regard Tuesday as a horrible day just because that was when I discovered my wife's affair. I like your "change the channel" idea. I will do that the next time I find myself going to that place I don't like to go. 2
Author Angelina527 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I'm not trying to be contrary here. I have a legitimate question. Why does the attitude of the OP affect you? One apologized and the others didn't. You seem to need for them to all have been apologetic. Why? I know it would probably make you feel better if they did apologize but would it truly make any difference to your healing? You also don't know what they're feeling now either. Maybe they were defensive or heartbroken at the moment and reacted to you with a mask rather than their real selves. Depending on the amount of time that's passed they may have changed as well. Maybe what you wanted then is what they're feeling now but you will never, ever know that. Please don't dwell on it. I do know it's much harder to do than say but I hope you don't allow it to pull you down. Summer, I don't know why, but the attitude of the OP does affect me. For me it comes down to justice...not every BS needs or desires some sort of validation from the OP that they know the damage they've caused, but some do. I do. Some of the OW were extremely cruel and I just don't get it. One of them is a therapist and she befriended me and then used her training to play serious games with me. It was ugly and so I have so many more reasons to despise some of the OW than just sleeping with my husband. Here's my suggestion. When you have those thoughts...immediately 'change the channel' in your mind by thinking..."That's how things WERE. Now they're so much better. OP was relevent to the situation then...but now, they're not.". It'll fade over time as you continue to recover. Thank you, Owl. I will give it a shot when I'm having a bad day. Thankfully. after more than 2 years, the bad days come less and less often. 1
Author Angelina527 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 They don't see it as helping someone to destroy you. They don't know you, therefore you are irrelevant. They did not put the knife in your back, the WS did that. But they DID put the knife in our backs...if they knew then they destroyed. I'm also saying this as a former OW...Furious, I regret what I did, but I am just as guilty as my husband is for his cheating on his former wife. The OW have to own their roles. 3
Furious Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 They don't see it as helping someone to destroy you. They don't know you, therefore you are irrelevant. They did not put the knife in your back, the WS did that. I should have been clearer in my earlier post. I was trying to say that for some OW that is how they feel about the betrayed spouse. That we are irrelevant to them. That they will never take responsibility for their role in hurting the BS. I greatly admire people who make mistakes but learn from them and grow from them. There are many FOW that I greatly respect. I think as women we should be supporting each other. 5
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Just wondering how some of you get through the times when the dark thoughts about the OP take over? For me, the OW who was remorseful is not a thought any longer, but the others who were heartless and unapologetic haunt me and I have a difficult time putting them out of my mind at times. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the thought that someone can help to destroy another person and truly not care. I understand this Angelina, I really do. I thought she would be someone like me and she was nothing like me. In fact, she hates me, or at least sounded as if she did. I think SB is right. In hindsight, I think she was extremely defensive about her actions and seemed a bit unstable and it was easier to attack me than defend her position. Hell, I just asked her one simple question and her reaction(s) were off the charts. So now I think I get it, and I do change the channel, and in all honesty? Today, I feel really sorry for her when and if I think of her at all. You will get there too. 3
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Some of the OW were extremely cruel and I just don't get it. One of them is a therapist and she befriended me and then used her training to play serious games with me. It was ugly and so I have so many more reasons to despise some of the OW than just sleeping with my husband. Oh wow, that's just unthinkable... I guess it probably happens a lot. I think therapists should have their rights revoked if they would do something like that, just like a priest would. 2
Owl Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 You always find a way to help me see things a little differently Owl. I've noticed that lately I don't regard Tuesday as a horrible day just because that was when I discovered my wife's affair. I like your "change the channel" idea. I will do that the next time I find myself going to that place I don't like to go. Hope it helps you as much as it helped me, my friend. It took me a while...but once things got better in my life, it was easier to look at it from a "that was then, this is now" viewpoint when I began to realize that I was dragging myself down that path of memory lane. It takes time...at first I was the same way. Interestingly enough, my d-day was a Tuesday as well. Then it was every month on the the same date. Then it was the same date every year. It finally does get to a point where you quit marking it as some kind of anniversary. 3
pattyfromMV Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Some of the OW were extremely cruel and I just don't get it. One of them is a therapist and she befriended me and then used her training to play serious games with me. It was ugly and so I have so many more reasons to despise some of the OW than just sleeping with my husband. I can relate to this , i found out my husband was cheating with my best friend and though she was not a therapist she used our confidential girl talk aginst me to befriend my husband and eventually lead to the affair. I learned about it thru a text she wrote saying ask your husband to tell you the truth. He confessed to it and said he tried to break it off but she wouldn't let him go. She even has tried to get pregnant 2.We are trying to make things work but she continues to text ,email or call.Even changed her number . Not sure how to handle this situation but i too despise the OW. She begs for forgiveness yet to him begs to take her back and threatens thats she pregnant . ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS !
96nole Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Some of the OW were extremely cruel and I just don't get it. One of them is a therapist and she befriended me and then used her training to play serious games with me. It was ugly and so I have so many more reasons to despise some of the OW than just sleeping with my husband. I can relate to this , i found out my husband was cheating with my best friend and though she was not a therapist she used our confidential girl talk aginst me to befriend my husband and eventually lead to the affair. I learned about it thru a text she wrote saying ask your husband to tell you the truth. He confessed to it and said he tried to break it off but she wouldn't let him go. She even has tried to get pregnant 2.We are trying to make things work but she continues to text ,email or call.Even changed her number . Not sure how to handle this situation but i too despise the OW. She begs for forgiveness yet to him begs to take her back and threatens thats she pregnant . ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS ! WOW. That's awful! You really should start your own thread with this so everyone can focus on your situation. Otherwise it'll get mixed in with others just commenting on the OP in the affair.
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Oh wow' date=' that's just unthinkable... I guess it probably happens a lot. I think therapists should have their rights revoked if they would do something like that, just like a priest would.[/quote'] Actually, I think it is against the law. And she yelled at you? Imagine that. You are a huge threat to her livelihood. I'd call her back and tell her you are reporting her to the ethics commission and hopes she loses her license because that is despicable. Angelina, grow a backbone and have some fun with this. Make her fear you. Whether you follow through or not, maybe, just maybe, she will NEVER do this again. Did I misunderstand? Was she your spouse's therapist? Doesn't matter. No professional wants mess, not even for sleeping with a married man. That too would be considered unethical. You are not suppose to harm anyone and that includes the BS.
Author Angelina527 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) Actually, I think it is against the law. And she yelled at you? Imagine that. You are a huge threat to her livelihood. I'd call her back and tell her you are reporting her to the ethics commission and hopes she loses her license because that is despicable. Angelina, grow a backbone and have some fun with this. Make her fear you. Whether you follow through or not, maybe, just maybe, she will NEVER do this again. Did I misunderstand? Was she your spouse's therapist? Doesn't matter. No professional wants mess, not even for sleeping with a married man. That too would be considered unethical. You are not suppose to harm anyone and that includes the BS. Spark, she was not his therapist, thank God, although she did tell me herself that she "counseled" him as a friend. BUT, she's a drug and alcohol therapist and is quite the pothead herself. I only know this because she told me...she wanted me to leave my husband when I found out about his other OW (but she convinced me they were just friends) and come over and smoke pot. Obviously I said no. The point is, I do have that in writing and if I were the vindictive type.... One conversation we had haunts me. She told me she had HPV then said, "everyone has it...I'll bet even YOU have it. hahahahaha!" At that point, I knew something was wrong and I now realize it's because she was taunting me. So many other things happened. She used to chat with me on Yahoo messenger while she was at work and would complain about the clients. One time she said, "hang on, I've got this whiney woman that won't stop crying. She's so annoying." I feel like she didn't just screw my husband, but she mind-raped me. I have an excellent doctor working with my husband and I and we decided together that this information WILL be passed along to the proper people when I can handle it emotionally. Edited May 24, 2012 by Angelina527 spelling
Author Angelina527 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Some of the OW were extremely cruel and I just don't get it. One of them is a therapist and she befriended me and then used her training to play serious games with me. It was ugly and so I have so many more reasons to despise some of the OW than just sleeping with my husband. I can relate to this , i found out my husband was cheating with my best friend and though she was not a therapist she used our confidential girl talk aginst me to befriend my husband and eventually lead to the affair. I learned about it thru a text she wrote saying ask your husband to tell you the truth. He confessed to it and said he tried to break it off but she wouldn't let him go. She even has tried to get pregnant 2.We are trying to make things work but she continues to text ,email or call.Even changed her number . Not sure how to handle this situation but i too despise the OW. She begs for forgiveness yet to him begs to take her back and threatens thats she pregnant . ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS ! Your ex friend sounds awful!! Have you changed all of your numbers? Let's get another thread started so you don't get lost in the shuffle.
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Spark, she was not his therapist, thank God, although she did tell me herself that she "counseled" him as a friend. BUT, she's a drug and alcohol therapist and is quite the pothead herself. I only know this because she told me...she wanted me to leave my husband when I found out about his other OW (but she convinced me they were just friends) and come over and smoke pot. Obviously I said no. The point is, I do have that in writing and if I were the vindictive type.... One conversation we had haunts me. She told me she had HPV then said, "everyone has it...I'll bet even YOU have it. hahahahaha!" At that point, I knew something was wrong and I now realize it's because she was taunting me. So many other things happened. She used to chat with me on Yahoo messenger while she was at work and would complain about the clients. One time she said, "hang on, I've got this whiney woman that won't stop crying. She's so annoying." I feel like she didn't just screw my husband, but she mind-raped me. I have an excellent doctor working with my husband and I and we decided together that this information WILL be passed along to the proper people when I can handle it emotionally. She did. Not now, but in time, this will enrage you and it should. I have a few incidences of my own with the OW in my sitch. And you may be tempted to blast your H cuz he did cause this mess. He better listen to you, as mine had to listen to me. But.....OVER TIME....your thinking will change. You will realize as you grow stronger, how very sad is the woman who empowers herself by besting another woman in addition to sleeping with her husband. How sad and lonely was that life? To think it empowered her. That's high school. That is someone who never was popular or confident that today she gains her confidence by sleeping with the quarterback while she manipulates the sitch to feel superior to his girl, the head cheerleader. That is sick. That is what I dealt with. IN TIME, that will only deserve your abject pity. And if you ever hear of her in the future, you will hear of one dissolved relationships after another, whether it be with a man, friend or family. A mess of a life, unless she realizes SHE's the problem.
woinlove Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 She did. Not now, but in time, this will enrage you and it should. I have a few incidences of my own with the OW in my sitch. And you may be tempted to blast your H cuz he did cause this mess. He better listen to you, as mine had to listen to me. But.....OVER TIME....your thinking will change. You will realize as you grow stronger, how very sad is the woman who empowers herself by besting another woman in addition to sleeping with her husband. How sad and lonely was that life? To think it empowered her. That's high school. That is someone who never was popular or confident that today she gains her confidence by sleeping with the quarterback while she manipulates the sitch to feel superior to his girl, the head cheerleader. That is sick. That is what I dealt with. IN TIME, that will only deserve your abject pity. And if you ever hear of her in the future, you will hear of one dissolved relationships after another, whether it be with a man, friend or family. A mess of a life, unless she realizes SHE's the problem. This is a good post and I hope you can take it to heart, Angelina. Her behavior is sick and cruel.
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