BMZMJ Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I recently ran into an 18 year old girl at a friend's BBQ whose parents were close friends with my parents and her whole family used to come over to our house. We never really spoke as she was much younger then but at this recent BBQ we spoke for a while, and danced to latin music. She was so happy to share that she was now 'legal' and we basically hit it off talking about all kinds of interesting topics while dancing, and at the end of the night I said that I shouldnt leave without her #. I got her number and we started texting each other and 2 nights later we spent a couple of hours talking on the phone. Through our conversations I found out she is into steak so we agreed we should continue our conversations over some steak. so this outing is planned and we just have to set a day. Now...she seems very interested in hanging out but I am starting to have some apprehensions about this age difference, specially since our parents know each other. So far it has been very nice getting to know her and she doesnt act or speak like an 18 year old. In fact she says, all her friends are in their 20's. Anyways..any thoughts? any advice?
pillowcase Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 You're both consenting adults, go for it. Is it likely that either set of parents will get upset if it becomes something serious? And if so, can you handle that, or do you see this as a quick fling?
Author BMZMJ Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I do not see her as a quick fling at all. In fact this girl seems very mature and serious. I mentioned to my mom that I ran into her and she talked about how she always thought she was a good girl, etc, etc. From my side no problem, from her parents' side we will know soon enough. I also came out of a 5 year relationship just 3 months ago, so I am not looking for a gf. I really just want to get to know her at a very slow pace. Not looking for a rebound at all.
stillafool Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I don't think that 8 years is that much in dating. I usually don't feel it is a problem until it is 10 years or older and I don't know why that is.?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I think someone just out of high school vs someone that's been out of college and is now working is going to have some different life experiences. (No matter how mature she is.) Having friends in their 20s and actually being 20 are different things. She can't even legally drink. I would encourage you to pursue girls closer to your own age or wait until she is a little older. If she was 20-21, it would be different. But, I doubt you will do that. That's just my advice. Taking things slow is good though and not pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to do. But I still think at her age and your age, you're a bit too old for her at this point in her life. 1
Reddice Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 If you're only looking for fun, then go for it! If you're looking for something serious, I wouldn't recommend it. I met my ex when she was 19 and I was 25 (smaller age gap than here). We dated for almost 3 years. About 4 months ago I had to break up because of her lying, cheating and general "not knowing why she was doing what she did". Second, I have a friend who's 24, dating an 18-year old girl. He met her two months ago and the whole relationship is already less stable than the leaning tower of pizza. And third but not least, read through all the GIGS threads. It seems to be a general consensus that people change a lot between the ages of 18 and 25. She might seem mature now, but what about next year? Or the year after that? By then you will want to settle down (just as me), while she will want to go out, have fun and party because of her age. So have fun, but don't enter in a relationship with her. We don't want to see you back here in 2-3 years completely heart broken.
KathyM Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 That's kind of borderline whether the age is too much of a difference. It really depends on the maturity and attitude of the people involved. I started dating my husband at 18 and married him at 19. He was 26 when we got married (7 years older). We've been married ever since, and even though we've had some rough patches, we are happily married. But I was pretty mature for my age--not into drinking or partying or acting like some dumb teenager. So it worked for us. My sister married a man when she was 18 and he was 26 (8 years older, just as you are). She was also mature for her age, and if it weren't for his infidelity, she would still be married to him. So it depends on the people involved. If she's a mature person and acts older than a naive teenager, and you are able to treat her like an equal and not like someone who has to be dominated because of the age difference, then it might work.
dasein Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 What you suggest is absolutely fine, OP. There's a good chance her parents will be thrilled about this as opposed to the unknown factor in guys they realize are looming. In any event you will know their reaction soon enough. Good luck on the dinner and going forward.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Not a good idea. Someone who is 18 years old has pretty much no dating experience, on the other hand you just got out of a 5 year relationship..and to make things even more ridiculous It's only been 3 mons. So magically what's going to happen...especially since you're a friend of the family, is she's likely going to think you're all serious and mature (which you're not If you're dating an 18 yr old) and she'll consider herself mature enough to date a guy your age...when in reality wisdom comes with age and experience, yet people like to say oh "I feel this age so I can people this age...after all I'm a head of the crowd!" and then you see them making a stupid mistake in a relationship that you'd pretty much expect an 18 year old to make. Furthermore you just said you're not looking for a fling, but you're not looking for a relationship...how exactly do you intend on playing this? FWB? oh it just happened kinda thing? I would hope with a 8 year advantage you'd have a better sense than this, not to mention IF things don't work out (which I imagine them not) you're going to have to deal with this uncomfortable situation...so you better start planning all the things you're going to say when you hook up with her but have to say "I'm just not ready for a relationship....but please feel sorry for me, after all I just got out of a 5 year...no hard feelings right?" 18 year old: "But but..." You: " ::finger over her lips:: Shhh...I never meant to hurt you....now grow little butterfly...spread your wings...we'll still be friends" Being an 18 year old chances are she'll fall victim to her emotions...or what she thinks she feels...and as a recovering long-term relationship mid 20s man yourself, you'll rush in all excited, shooting up the place with your love bullets only to find yourself a little ways down the road...falling off cloud nine..and then you'll think hmmm...this can't be serious, what was I thinking! So be careful with your decisions here...what may happen will affect the relationship in whatever capacity it may be..forever. Id suggest someone your age, and with some relationship experience...real experience..and that would be later on down the road once you shake off the residuals from your last relationship. You should at least take 6 mons to yourself, If not 9 mons or so, and If you're going to hook up at least hookup with some "woo yeah, partaaay!" college bimbo that where IF you break her out she's already conditioned to guys not wanting anything serious with her. She's just not the kind of girl you need right now, you're only going to hurt her. So ask yourself how much you really care about her, before you pull the "emotionally unavailable" card at some point. 2
Author BMZMJ Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Hi Ninja, you make very good points. This new person knows my story well already. In fact she had met my ex before. I have explained that I am not looking for a relationship/rebound, any of that, and I mentioned that hanging out would be in friendly terms. It's not a date.
Oxy Moronovich Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I say go for it, BMZMJ. If you don't go for it, you might look back and wish you had.
kaylan Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I agree with ninja. Shes just a kid. I dont even look at women under 21 myself, and Im 25. I just feel they arent on my level when they are too young and I could really run circles around really young girls. Id feel weird and as if Im using my life experience to be steps ahead of a naive youth. I remember being 18 and thinking I was super mature since I moved out at that age. Only to move back in at 19. I remember how immature I was and how I didnt really find a true sense of myself until I was near my mid 20s. Id say let this girl date dudes her age because you have lots of responsibilities here. You say you dont want a fling, but if youre not looking for a gf then you will only turn this girl into a fling. Thus youll be the typical dude breaking her heart at 18...meh it happens...but dumb guys her age should be doing that. Not older dude who know better. 1
Shannon1112 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I dont think this is wrong at all. Age is only a number - and if your parents have been friends with her parents for quite sometime, then they will realise how nice you are and make a good match for their daughter.
RiverRunning Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I think someone just out of high school vs someone that's been out of college and is now working is going to have some different life experiences. (No matter how mature she is.) Having friends in their 20s and actually being 20 are different things. She can't even legally drink. I would encourage you to pursue girls closer to your own age or wait until she is a little older. If she was 20-21, it would be different. But, I doubt you will do that. That's just my advice. Taking things slow is good though and not pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to do. But I still think at her age and your age, you're a bit too old for her at this point in her life. This. If you're ONLY looking for fun, I'd say that's fine. But at 18, she's still basically a kid (no offense to our folks under 18) - but the fact is you've got a LOT more life experience on this girl. You still don't know her well so of course right now she probably seems pretty mature and upstanding. I'm not saying that she isn't a wonderful girl - a wonderful girl of 18. There's a difference between a wonderful girl at 18 and a wonderful girl at 20, at 22, and so on. She's going to change markedly in the next few years of her life. At her age, she's barely been driving for 2 or 3 years, barely been working for 2 or 3 years, hasn't started college, probably hasn't had a serious relationship or a long-term relationship, you name it. She probably still doesn't even know what she wants to do career-wise. She's probably never paid a bill of her own and may not know how to manage her money. And that's not a bad thing - she's eighteen. She's young and she hasn't had the chance to have those life experiences yet. Even if you were to get serious down the line - say, even 2 years from now - you will be 28 and she will be 20. Sooner or later she's probably going to want to date around a little bit or meet a guy who's closer to her own age, someone who's at her life stage. 8 years isn't that much of a difference - DEPENDING ON THE STAGE of your life. A 40-year-old and a 48-year-old? Pfft. 26 and 34 might be a little bit more of a gap, but not much (if one has already been married and has kids from a previous relationship - I'd expect that more from someone who's 34 than someone who's 26). But there's just worlds of difference between someone who's 18 and 26. You're in different life stages. When she's 25 or so and you're 33? A lot more plausible. And I agree with kaylan - let her date guys her own age. She may well be getting VERY serious about you (she's not coming out of a break-up, it doesn't sound like), and you're just going to 'get to know her better' for the sake of getting to know her? Either you're serious or you're not - and if you're not, she's likely to get disappointed down the road.
irin Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 i have a rule that implies i dont touch anyone under 21, and im 21.
Ross MwcFan Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Wow I'm so surprised so many people are in support of this on here. I was convinced that most people in the this topic would've tried painting him as pratically being a pedophile.
ohmygoshistalk Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 hmm to be honest i know a 34 yr old guy who would only prefer 18 to 22 year olds. its not uncommon..in some places.
Motherof3 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 hmm to be honest i know a 34 yr old guy who would only prefer 18 to 22 year olds. its not uncommon..in some places. That's for sure!
pillowcase Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the reply. I do not see her as a quick fling at all. In fact this girl seems very mature and serious. I mentioned to my mom that I ran into her and she talked about how she always thought she was a good girl, etc, etc. From my side no problem, from her parents' side we will know soon enough. I also came out of a 5 year relationship just 3 months ago, so I am not looking for a gf. I really just want to get to know her at a very slow pace. Not looking for a rebound at all. Nice one. I dated a girl who was 19 when I was 26 for a while. I got the impression her folks weren't overly keen but once they saw I wasn't a complete arsehole they warmed to me. Edit: I read a few other replies. I'd agree with the folks who warn about her changing a fair bit over the course of the next few years. Men have a mid-life crisis, women have a quarter-life crisis. Edited May 24, 2012 by pillowcase
kaylan Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 ^Her changing over the next few years is called growing up. Men and women do a lot of growing up from 18 to 25. That has nothing to do with a quarter life crises which is an entirely different thing. Quarter life crisis is something both men and women go through, and it has to do with figuring out where ones life is heading. It usually occurs post college or grad school.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 This. If you're ONLY looking for fun, I'd say that's fine. But at 18, she's still basically a kid (no offense to our folks under 18) - but the fact is you've got a LOT more life experience on this girl. RiverRunning, why is it okay to have "fun" with someone that is younger and less experienced but it's not okay to take them seriously? Aren't we trying to protect the interests of both parties here? Why do people advocate using younger people under the idea of them having less experience but also advocate for them not to be treated with respect and kindness in a relationship because of the less experience? That makes no sense. Shouldn't the fact that someone of 18 has less experience at that point of time stand for either using for fun or having a serious relationship with?
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