LDR he needs some "me" time

[Aquamelon]

We've been dating since Feb 2012, we met and stayed together for 4 days in April and I have a flight/hotel booked for a 5 day stay to his state in July. He lives in NV and I'm in NJ (there is a 3 hour time difference between us). We plan on meeting up in July 2012, November 2012, and March 2013 before he moves to be with me in May 2013.

 

I think we have our normal "arguments" like any other LDR couple, silly little things that we wouldn't fight about if we were together. And I know I can somewhat highly demanding and I also realize this is wrong of me and have been trying to tone it down.

 

Usually Mon-Thurs we talk on skype from around 8:30PM or 9PM until we fall asleep together (usually around 2AM). We play video games together for the most part of this time (we met through a video game). On Fridays I don't usually get to talk to him until midnight and we talk till we fall asleep. On the weekends, we don't talk just text throughout the day until around 11PM-1AM when we call each other up and again just fall asleep together.

 

Last night I got upset because at 9PM he called me and told me he had a really rough day and he realized he had a movie sitting in his room from redbox for days now and hadn't watched it and told me he wanted to watch it. I felt a little pissy just because I hadn't talked to him all day and now he wanted to watch a movie but I told him it was fine and to go watch it. By 11PM I was extremely upset just because I realized he would probably call me by 11:30PM which meant we'd probably get maybe an hour of talking today before I fell asleep on him. I called him up and expressed how I felt and after a long talk he finally told me that sometimes he just needs some "me time". I can understand this. It just bothers me because I guess I have let everything go to the back burner in order to always have time for him especially because of our 3 hour time difference. We came to an understanding last night that if he needed "me time" he would at least give me an hour of talking time before he went off to do his own thing and that he should be done by midnight so that we could talk before I fall asleep. Last night I felt content with this situation and we both fell asleep happy with each other.

 

This morning I feel so differently. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I can think about is how this whole "me time" thing could be a sign that he is losing interest in our relationship. It just hurts to think that he doesn't want to spend every possible free minute "with" me. I realize I may be taking things way too hard but this is also the 2nd relationship I have ever been in my whole life so I'm confused as to what to feel sometimes. Please help.

[TMichaels]

This morning I feel so differently. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I can think about is how this whole "me time" thing could be a sign that he is losing interest in our relationship. It just hurts to think that he doesn't want to spend every possible free minute "with" me. I realize I may be taking things way too hard but this is also the 2nd relationship I have ever been in my whole life so I'm confused as to what to feel sometimes. Please help.

 

Chill out, or if you don't you will have to worry about what I boldfaced above.

 

When you were relaying your story about you bf saying he had a bad day, I thought you were going to saying he had called you and told you he was so exhausted he wanted a night off which would be perfectly understandable.

 

Nooooo..... He simply wanted time to watch a movie and then would come online and spend time the rest of the night with you and you have turned that into a sign that's he's losing interest and there's something more ominous afoot.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. In fact, you shouldn't be; you both should have reasonable time and space to maintain your own unique interests, friendships, etc. without guilt, remorse, or blame.

 

You're two individuals - not Siamese Twins. And generally, men more than women need time/space to regain their sense of equilibrium. Google such terms as "men rubber band theory" or "men withdraw into their caves" and you get a better idea of why and how important this is.

 

I also think you might want to spend some time reading some of posts here in the LDR forum. The fact the two of you talk on the phone *every night* for usually FIVE HOURS is not the norm.

 

In fact, I am willing to bet that others reading your story will come forth and say they would give their eye teeth to spend as much time with their bf as you do. I don't think you realize how good you've got it and how generous and committed your bf is to be spending the amount of time with you as he has, not to mention having definite plans of when you'll see each other in person, including an end date to your LDR.

 

So my advice is to find a way to better deal with your unfounded and counter-productive insecurity and paranoia and learn to appreciate how lucky you are, and give your bf credit for how devoted and committed he is by not overreacting on the rare occasion that he needs and wants a bit of space -- or else your worst fears will materialize.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Aquamelon]

Thank you. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear/read. This whole LDR is very scary and I know I shouldn't sweat the small things like this. I think day by day I'm getting better but these new situations arise and I freak out.

 

It is also hard because I do have all this excess "me time" so by the time 9PM rolls around I'm super anxious to finally talk to him. And for him, he's like just getting out of work and barely has any time to himself before talking to me. I'm looking into things I can do, online courses and such, to consume some of my time so I don't feel this anxiety to talk to him.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not healthy to want to spend every minute of your time with someone, or in contact with them, we all need other things and other people in our lives, making our r/ship the be all and end all in our life is never a good idea. Even in LDR's we need space at times to do or own thing.

 

From what you've said here, he might feel somewhat suffocated, or pressured into talking every night without fail, because otherwise you'll get annoyed with him or think there's a problem, like you are doing.

 

Give him some space, back off a bit, let him talk to you just because he wants to, not because he feels he should.

 

My partner needed space because he's been very busy/stressed from work and he was pressuring himself to talk call me, or talk on skype, every day, no matter how he felt, he said the pressure didn't come from me, but I think he thought if he didn't phone every night it would be a problem for us, I made it clear it wouldn't be, and if he's too tired to talk or whatever, we can talk another time, for a couple of weeks we didn't talk as much, but then he initiated talking to me every day again, and now I know he does it because he wants to, and not from any pressure.

 

An hour of talking is a long time when you're feeling tired, if my partner calls for just 15 minutes when he's exhausted I appreciate it, and he knows that.

 

I wouldn't demand an hour of talking if he really doesn't feel like it.

Don't put everything on the back burner, get on with your life and give him some space to get on with his too.

 

Just because he wanted some time to himself doesn't mean there is a problem, but you are possibly going to create a problem by not giving him space.

 

It seems far too soon to think about marriage if you've only been together since February, and only spent 4 days together. R/ships need to go through the honey moon phase and see how you feel after that, to give a true picture of how things are.

 

 

We've been dating since Feb 2012, we met and stayed together for 4 days in April and I have a flight/hotel booked for a 5 day stay to his state in July. He lives in NV and I'm in NJ (there is a 3 hour time difference between us). We plan on meeting up in July 2012, November 2012, and March 2013 before he moves to be with me in May 2013.

 

I think we have our normal "arguments" like any other LDR couple, silly little things that we wouldn't fight about if we were together. And I know I can somewhat highly demanding and I also realize this is wrong of me and have been trying to tone it down.

 

Usually Mon-Thurs we talk on skype from around 8:30PM or 9PM until we fall asleep together (usually around 2AM). We play video games together for the most part of this time (we met through a video game). On Fridays I don't usually get to talk to him until midnight and we talk till we fall asleep. On the weekends, we don't talk just text throughout the day until around 11PM-1AM when we call each other up and again just fall asleep together.

 

Last night I got upset because at 9PM he called me and told me he had a really rough day and he realized he had a movie sitting in his room from redbox for days now and hadn't watched it and told me he wanted to watch it. I felt a little pissy just because I hadn't talked to him all day and now he wanted to watch a movie but I told him it was fine and to go watch it. By 11PM I was extremely upset just because I realized he would probably call me by 11:30PM which meant we'd probably get maybe an hour of talking today before I fell asleep on him. I called him up and expressed how I felt and after a long talk he finally told me that sometimes he just needs some "me time". I can understand this. It just bothers me because I guess I have let everything go to the back burner in order to always have time for him especially because of our 3 hour time difference. We came to an understanding last night that if he needed "me time" he would at least give me an hour of talking time before he went off to do his own thing and that he should be done by midnight so that we could talk before I fall asleep. Last night I felt content with this situation and we both fell asleep happy with each other.

 

This morning I feel so differently. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I can think about is how this whole "me time" thing could be a sign that he is losing interest in our relationship. It just hurts to think that he doesn't want to spend every possible free minute "with" me. I realize I may be taking things way too hard but this is also the 2nd relationship I have ever been in my whole life so I'm confused as to what to feel sometimes. Please help.

[Mme. Chaucer]

When you live together, you won't be interacting every second of the evenings either. Please learn how to give space gracefully. It's important in every relationship.

[ladyabstrused]

Chill out, or if you don't you will have to worry about what I boldfaced above.

 

When you were relaying your story about you bf saying he had a bad day, I thought you were going to saying he had called you and told you he was so exhausted he wanted a night off which would be perfectly understandable.

 

Nooooo..... He simply wanted time to watch a movie and then would come online and spend time the rest of the night with you and you have turned that into a sign that's he's losing interest and there's something more ominous afoot.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. In fact, you shouldn't be; you both should have reasonable time and space to maintain your own unique interests, friendships, etc. without guilt, remorse, or blame.

 

You're two individuals - not Siamese Twins. And generally, men more than women need time/space to regain their sense of equilibrium. Google such terms as "men rubber band theory" or "men withdraw into their caves" and you get a better idea of why and how important this is.

 

I also think you might want to spend some time reading some of posts here in the LDR forum. The fact the two of you talk on the phone *every night* for usually FIVE HOURS is not the norm.

 

In fact, I am willing to bet that others reading your story will come forth and say they would give their eye teeth to spend as much time with their bf as you do. I don't think you realize how good you've got it and how generous and committed your bf is to be spending the amount of time with you as he has, not to mention having definite plans of when you'll see each other in person, including an end date to your LDR.

 

So my advice is to find a way to better deal with your unfounded and counter-productive insecurity and paranoia and learn to appreciate how lucky you are, and give your bf credit for how devoted and committed he is by not overreacting on the rare occasion that he needs and wants a bit of space -- or else your worst fears will materialize.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I double 'Like' this.

 

I'm here to take this advice too! Wheee~

[ladyabstrused]

In my previous relationship, I wished I could have more me time. Honestly, it can get quite suffocating sometimes.

[FitChick]

Why are there such large gaps in time when you plan to visit?

[Aquamelon]

@Fitchick - Because neither one of us has a lot of vacation days because of work and so we have to spread them out throughout the year. Plus the trip is about $950.00 each time, neither one of us could afford this cost every single month even if we could spare the days from work.

[shorty7]

Why are there such large gaps in time when you plan to visit?

Every 4 months isn't all that bad. The further the distance of travel, the longer the intervals become. Inevitable.

 

And I second the thought on TMichaels being spot on yet again.

[Ghisop]

950??? How are you getting there? I just am on my way back to the east coast from nv and the whole trip including parking and pet boarding was 600. And that was over memorial day weekend - check out yahoo travels.

[pteromom]

We came to an understanding last night that if he needed "me time" he would at least give me an hour of talking time before he went off to do his own thing and that he should be done by midnight so that we could talk before I fall asleep.

 

Oh my gosh! This stresses me out just reading it. He has to talk to you for AN HOUR before he can relax after work? And then he has a curfew on top of that?

 

If I was him, this agreement wouldn't last long for me before I really started to resent it.

 

I think you need to really back off. If he needs a night off once in a while or wants a 5-minute chat sometimes instead of an hour, you should respect that.

 

There are times I absolutely would rather watch a movie than spend time with someone else. So what?

[Aquamelon]

950??? How are you getting there? I just am on my way back to the east coast from nv and the whole trip including parking and pet boarding was 600. And that was over memorial day weekend - check out yahoo travels.

 

It's weird. When I head there I had to book my flight to Salt Lake and my hotel in Elko NV. I booked it through Expedia.

 

For him to come to me in November is only $590 hotel+flight for 5 days. So the next 2 times we'll be seeing each other before the move he's going to be flying here.

[Aquamelon]

Oh my gosh! This stresses me out just reading it. He has to talk to you for AN HOUR before he can relax after work? And then he has a curfew on top of that?

 

If I was him, this agreement wouldn't last long for me before I really started to resent it.

 

I think you need to really back off. If he needs a night off once in a while or wants a 5-minute chat sometimes instead of an hour, you should respect that.

 

There are times I absolutely would rather watch a movie than spend time with someone else. So what?

 

I told him "an hour" but he understood that it doesn't have to be an hour, it could be 10 minutes. At this point in the night, for me it's been hours since I heard from him so it's rather frustrating. All I want to know is how's he is doing and just hear his voice.

 

It's not a "curfew". Early in our relationship we established the falling asleep together on the phone thing (something he pushed for and I didn't want initially). I'm staying up until 2-3am just to talk to him when I have work at 6am, on these nights where he wants time to himself I'm asking him to call me at midnight just so I can fall asleep "with" him. He can then go and do whatever he wants and I can get a decent night's sleep.

 

I know the whole thing may seem so strange and demanding. The thing is I've always been the type of person to receive extreme amounts of constant attention, it has been this way my whole life so in a way I've come to expect it from people. I'm a complete and total brat. I'm trying so hard to change and it's getting better each day (though some days I go back to being such a horrible person). He understands this and he knows I'm trying and is willing to meet me half way by giving me that extra bit of attention to help calm my anxiety over our relationship. I have 40 something days until I see him and the anxiety is driving me insane.

[Alexi The Husky]

When a guy says he needs his "me" time (or something along the lines of "I need to have my "(insert name here) time" it usually means "I need to go relax and wash down this hard day so that I can be refreshed and be at 100% (usually emotionally).

SOURCES: I'm a guy, in a LDR, and I tell my girl that I need my "me" time too.

Just outta curiousity, how did you guys meet?

[Aquamelon]

When a guy says he needs his "me" time (or something along the lines of "I need to have my "(insert name here) time" it usually means "I need to go relax and wash down this hard day so that I can be refreshed and be at 100% (usually emotionally).

SOURCES: I'm a guy, in a LDR, and I tell my girl that I need my "me" time too.

Just outta curiousity, how did you guys meet?

 

Yeah finally got that lol we've actually worked out a lot of out communication issues we've been having

 

We met online playing a game (World of Warcraft). I'm a guild/raid leader and needed a random person for an event, I advertised he responded we talked over vent (basically like skype) for the event. I liked how he was so I invited him back the following 2 weeks and then we talked more and more outside of these events. Before I knew it he asked for my number and we were staying up late having 3 hour conversations and 1 month later he had booked his flight for us to meet. True nerdy love right there haha.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Aquamelon