I'm not coping

[toni1981]

I have been reading on LS for quite a bit and my time has come to post.

 

My story is quite long so I will make it brief. I have been in an A for 5 years with a MM. A week ago he ended things, this time being one of numerous and us just finding ourselves back together. however this time I think it's final. the tricky part is that we work together ( we didn't work together from the beginning) and he still wants us to be friends....is that even possible?

 

His wife found out about us twice before and we had a bit of NC, became friends again but few months later we would just be back in each others arms and in bed together.

 

He ended the affair, I'm heartbroken to say in the least and didint see it coming as we just came from a romantic getaway 2 weeks ago.

 

I don't know what to do now, I still love him and will probably give in to the friendship but is it wise? Can the two of us be platonic friends after a 5yr A?

Edited May 23, 2012 by toni1981

[Abby777]

Hey Toni,

So sorry but he sounds like a pretty heartless guy. You need to move on through some personal growth. Easy to say right....Guys can fall in love with someone else other than their wives and move outside the marriage for love and intimacy but he is crippling you without regard for your well being and you are allowing it. It’s up to you to find your own happiness and it’s not going to be with a man that strings you along for five years. It’s going to hurt but break the connection and addiction, find a new job and life without him and someone who appreciates you fully. This guy is all about him, you deserve more.

[skywriter]

Hi Toni,

 

I'm sorry for the pain that I know you are going through.

 

He ended the relationship, but I hope you can find it in you to take this

opportunity to do what's best for you now.

 

It's a time for you to consider all that you have had to sacrifice to be involved in an A for the past 5 yrs. How the A has changed you, made you feel, and so many other things that I imagine you could fill in the blanks with.

 

Let it all come to the surface now and face it. Focusing on the fact that he called it off will not serve you best in moving on and especially with not finding yourself begging him back.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Wow, 5 years is a long time.

 

I'm sorry, this must really hurt. I do agree with skywriter, it might be best to back off from him completely and try no contact (or as much as possible if you work together). Maybe it's possible to be friends, but not now, and certainly not until you can trust yourself to be around him without falling back on old patterns.

 

No contact does give you back some perspective. It will also lessen the intensity of the feelings - although they will still be there for some time. Focus on you. Something that really helped me was the baggage reclaim website - she also has a "no contact" email you can sign up for. THis really helped as most of my contact was email.. so to see that instead of an email from him helps keep me on track.

 

Work on yourself for awhile - you've given this r 5 years! It's time to move on. Easier said than done, I know.

[toni1981]

Thanks for your reply Abby, I honestly feel helpless and lost nvm all the other emotions. I through away 5 yrs of my life and have nothing to show that I was in a relationship except a broken heart. It is so difficult working together as we share mutual friends and him and I have always been close at work and if I avoid him I am bound to get some office gossip started and some questions.

 

We live 5 min away from each other and I really dont want to bump into him in public.

 

Changing jobs is a bit difficult as I have a very good job and love the company I work for. But it seems I am left with ot much of a choice if I want to recover from this.

[skywriter]

Toni,

 

I think Abby said it so well in her post, that he is crippling your well being and your allowing it.

 

I understand to some extent how you must be obsessing over this situation, however I didn't work with the MM, nor live 5 minutes away from him.

 

I hope that you have a friend or loved one that can help you through this.

 

Please don't try to be friends with this man, I guarantee you it will never help you to move on.

 

Just stay as far away from him as possible, maybe check into a transfer. Maintain NC, and don't try to contact him.

[TigerCub]

Hi Toni,

 

I'm so sorry for your the pain you must be feeling right now.

 

As to your question - I don't think its possible to be friends with an AP. Its just too easy to slip back into old patterns and fall back into the A. You actually know that from your own past experience with this guy.

 

I think it might be a good idea for you to look for other jobs. I know it might be difficult, but it would be worth it.

 

You have given this guy 5 years of your life - I think that's more than enough. Don't waste anymore of your life on someone like him.

 

It will be really tough at first, but the more you invest in yourself, the easier it will get.

[Artie Lang]

this affair isn't over by a long shot. he's playing the "hot" & "cold" thing...keeping you close by just in case he needs his fix again.

 

you'll be back in the sack with him in no time. that is what you want, right?

[Happyface]

Toni,

5 years is a very long affair if statistics are to be believed.

 

By now you have probably developed very strong emotional bonds with this man. It won't be easy to say goodbye or to get over your break up. It could take you a long time.

 

Most people here advocate the NC rule. It seems to be the most painful but the most effective way of recovering. You have to start sometime and today seems to be the best time, don't you think ?

 

I know you are hurting deeply at the moment. I would say from my own experience that I tried to be friends with xMM several times after breaking up several times. It is impossible. The kind of relationship you have cannot be changed simply by calling it something else.

 

xMM often want to remain friends so that you are on the back burner until they are ready for you again.

 

Take Care,

HF

[toni1981]

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies, it really means a lot. Yes 5 years is an extremely long time and I cannot believe that I stayed so long although it feels like just yesterday we met and today it's 5 yrs later. I will try my best with the no contact thing and will try my level best to succeed.

 

Skywriter, I will try and fill in those blanks and give myself answers to those questions....but I already know the answers to some of them. It has changed me from the strong willed individual I was before. So many people look up to me as I’m very independent and successful but nobody knows the pain I carry deep down inside There is still so much to be said and written but none of that is important anymore. What’s important now is that I get a grip of myself and put this A behind me that has been ended and started by him so many times before.

 

I need to stop loving him.

 

Hopefully I will come back with a success story in the near future and have the power and ability to turn him away when he comes knocking on my door.

 

Once again, thank you to everyone who took the time out to read and post a reply.

 

*

 

God Bless

 

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[Artie Lang]

What’s important now is that I get a grip of myself and put this A behind me that has been ended and started by him so many times before.

 

this isn't gonna happen as long as you both work together.

 

add to that the 5 years you've been cheating, and this(affair) isn't over by a long shot.

 

 

good luck tryin', though.

[toni1981]

@ Artie, I know it will not be easy but like I said I will try my best. He did make it clear that he no longer wants to be part of this, he cannot give me what I want and that I should move on with my life. All our other break-ups he has never encouraged me to be with someone else before as he always wanted me just for himself. Maybe he is serious this time and leaves me with no other choice than to move on with my life( as he does not want me and him to be part of each others lives like that anymore). We do not directly ever work together only on very rare occasions and that would help a bit to avoid each other in the workplace.

 

I cannot just up and leave my job, I have bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of. I am looking for another job as we speak but we all know those don't just land in our laps.

 

Maybe this is a tactic of his, maybe he is being genuine....that I do not know. But I am going to try and sort out everything in my life, for now no contact unless we bump into each other in the passages by accident and hopefully God will answer my prayers for a new job soon.

 

But until then, there is only so much I can do.

[cocorico]

Toni I think if platonic friendship is possible it would only be down the line, after you no longer feel love for him. For now the attachment would work against your being able to be "just a friend" and also e continued closeness would delay your own healing. I would advise stepping away and maybe way down the line if you want to be friends then perhaps, but not yet.

[pkn06002]

Like others have said no you cant be friends. I tried to do what you are talking about and it sucks!

 

Like you i had a 5 year affair in that time you get past the drug fueled relationship and for real feelings. Those feelings will always be there under the surface waiting for a chance. So it becomes a all or nothing situation.

 

The only way you might pull it off is to accept you cant have what you want even if the feelings are there for both of you. Which again sucks.

[VioletFemme]

I have been reading on LS for quite a bit and my time has come to post.

 

My story is quite long so I will make it brief. I have been in an A for 5 years with a MM. A week ago he ended things, this time being one of numerous and us just finding ourselves back together. however this time I think it's final. the tricky part is that we work together ( we didn't work together from the beginning) and he still wants us to be friends....is that even possible?

 

His wife found out about us twice before and we had a bit of NC, became friends again but few months later we would just be back in each others arms and in bed together.

 

He ended the affair, I'm heartbroken to say in the least and didint see it coming as we just came from a romantic getaway 2 weeks ago.

 

I don't know what to do now, I still love him and will probably give in to the friendship but is it wise? Can the two of us be platonic friends after a 5yr A?

 

 

I'm going to go with other posters and say no--you can't be friends.

 

But I'm going one bridge further: you can't be friends--YET.

 

Right now, your focus needs to be on you. Your healing; your pain; your recovery. Picking up the pieces of yourself and putting them back together to see what you get. Picking up the pieces of your life to fill a hole left by the end of a long term RELATIONSHIP. Affair or not, it was still a relationship, and you'll have to go through the same recovery process you would after the ending of any relationship. You need to process all the negetive emotions of the break up and of the affair, as well as let go of the good memories. Focus on YOU. I hold this to be true too: you are NOT responsible for him, his life, his marriage, or his wife. You don't need to get bogged down in guilt and shame at this point. You WILL need to deal with those emotions at some point, I'm sure, but for now, you need to focus on you. He walked away; let him focus on him and his life. You take care of and nurture yourself.

 

Only after you have put yourself and your life back together, moved on, filled the hole left by the loss of an important person in your life, and truly begun to move on--only then could you even consider being friends with this man. Before you are fully over it, every sighting and interaction will be a setback in the mourning and recovery process. I know this because in my current situation--I'm considering moving apartments! (My married-but-seperated lover is my neighbor.) If I ever decide to walk away from the relationship I have with him, I will NOT be able to do it in such close proximity. It's an impossible deal.

 

On the question of if you can ever be friends: I ended a long term relationship several years ago. We had been together 8 years. It was a painful and dramatic end. I thought I would never be able to be friends with him again, like many other exes. However, after about three months of pretty limited to almost no contact, I was able to see him now and again and hang out. Then, slowly, we could get together more often; at this point, two years later, he is one of my closest friends.

 

But know that that might be the exception. He's the only ex I've ever been able to be friends with after, so in my experience it is pretty rare. Not impossible, just....rare.

 

I wish you healing and happiness. Hang in there--remember, it gets better. Slowly, and not all at once--just one day you'll wake up and not feel QUITE as miserable as you did the day before. Slowly, but surely...you can do it.

[spiderowl]

He's had his fun and excitement for 5 years and now it's getting awkward or he's becoming interested in someone else. I feel sad for you because you are hurt and yet the guy still appears to have it all.

 

He probably does want the friendship you had. He thinks he can pick and choose how you will be to him. He senses he has control of the situation. Because he stayed married, he was always the one in control and you were taking what you could get. You deserve better, much better.

 

You are under no obligation to remain friends with him. I'm not you, but just reading your story stirs emotions and makes me inclined to say you could teach him a lesson by flatly refusing to be his friend any longer. The lesson is that messing around with people's hearts has consequences. He doesn't seem to have faced many consequences before.

 

I agree with other posters that you can learn something from this, the most important being to value yourself more. You are worthy of a whole relationship not just leftovers. You are worthy of respect, not being picked up and put down at will.

 

I am genuinely sorry about the pain you are going through. I have never had an affair but I've been dumped suddenly too by someone I thought was really keen on me and it's a great shock. It was like being punched in the stomach and heart and had a great physical impact. It was three months before I started to feel less of a wreck. It took beta-blockers, occasional sleeping pills and lots of support from family to help me through that patch. Just remember, it is a patch, it's horrible but it will pass and then you will look back and wonder how you ever let him assume so much power over you.

Edited May 26, 2012 by spiderowl

[whichwayisup]

I don't know what to do now, I still love him and will probably give in to the friendship but is it wise? Can the two of us be platonic friends after a 5yr A?

 

No. The feelings are still there and the physical part of the A will end but the emotional part of it will still be an (emotional) affair. No "platonic" friendship can happen, not for a very very long time once ALL feelings are gone. who knows how long that could take you.

 

Being just friends with him will still prevent you from letting go and getting rid of what you feel for him. Not seeing or speaking to him is a healthy way to help get over him and completely detach so he isn't in your everyday life.

 

Seek some counselling if need be. 5 years is a long time and it'll take time to work through the pain and letting go.

 

Oh I'll add too, you'll never be open (your heart) to ANY other guy if you still are into your exMM if you stay friends. Staying friends also does damage to his efforts to reconnect with his wife.