going insane

[Balzac]

Yes, lactation every two hours at first. This infant is 8-9 weeks. It is extremely doubtful a lactating mother has a return of menses this early.

A desire to sexually bond with a spouse is a very different issue.

[Frootloop]

Nursing was definitely an issue for me. When you nurse a baby, your body releases hormones to make you bond and attach with the baby. It's such an intense feeling that I know I was emotionally drained. Also, I didn't feel very sexual while one of my main areas of sexual enjoyment was being used by a child. I nursed my children, and until about 3 months in they rarely slept more than 2-4 hours at a time, so I took the advice if every mother I knew,, and slept when the baby did.

 

Yes, at 6 months I was released to be physically ready to resume sexual activity, but that certainly didn't mean that I ran home and did it that night!

 

I know these problems have been festering for a couple if years for you, but having had several children, I don't think this is the time you should be pushing for more from her. It would be added stress during a time of huge change. It really should have been addressed before a baby, but now she probably isn't ready for intense discussions about this.

[A1135]

Thanks all for the continued discussion, its really good to hear othersopinions.

 

So yes my wife has had her check up and all is well there. We are getting afair bit of sleep most nights with only 1 feed in around 9hrs. And yes as somehave mentioned bringing this up at this stage is bad timing but when it hitsyou it hits you and it needs to be discussed. What is important is that bothparties respect what each is going through.

 

So an update: We had a really good discussion about it the other day and howthat I need the physical contact. We talked about what we can do, pointed outhow much I am doing to try and give her the time to relax. She said that she didn’tfeel sexy, we talked about how I find her attractive and sexy and what we cando to make her feel better like exercising together, going out for coffeetogether getting back to a bit of 'dating'. I also suggested that when she hadsome down time perhaps she should watch some porn and see if that helped herfeel sexy and in the mood, which she was positive about. We talked about howher default setting is ‘not interested’ rather than ‘this is nice let’s seewhere it goes’. The main things are that I think I got through to her how muchI need the contact, and that it doesn’t need to be intercourse, and that if shethinks she could be up for it and wants to ‘test the waters’ that there is nopressure to have sex we can stop at anytime.

 

So all this was very positive and we put the plans to action, I downloadedsome porn for her to watch when she has some time, we went out for a nicelunch, and last night when she came to bed, she started some kissing and ...........wellit progressed from there!

 

So far so good we will have to see if it continues, but most importantly thedialogue and respect is there on both parts so we will see how we go!

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[Balzac]

Nice update and life sounds happier! Keep trying, get the ship turned around. You sound like a study in patient love.

[artchick88]

This article is about the decrease in women's sex drives in relationships over time.

Female Sex Drive Decline Tied To Hormones, Evolution

[allgoodhere]

Well, you are going to hate my answer, but... leave. Just get out now. Unless you are willing to have affairs to have your intimacy needs met. She is not going to change, unless you give her testosterone. She isn't going to change! This is pure and simple sexual incompatibility. That's it. You can do all the therapy you want, she is still not going to want it and it will NEVER be spontaneous. It will always be forced. Sorry, that's just the truth of it.

[A1135]

Well an update, we are a few more months down the track and nothing has really changed. My wife still doesnt get how important sex is to me, she says she does but all her actions show me otherwise. For example in one discussion we agreed that I would get her some porn to watch because that makes her feel sexy, so I jumped straight on it and its been sitting there unwatched for 8 weeks! Dispite hints, suggestions and reminders it just dosnt seem important to her.

 

We have had sex in this time but it goes something like this, She asks me why I am down, I say because of lack of sex, lack of connection and the frustration it brings, we talk about it, she says she understands, 2-3 days later I will try to initiate it again and a couple of times it has worked.

 

I ust dont know what to do, I have even found myself in while horny and feeling alone, looking through websites like Ashley Madison thinking what if?

 

So i wish it was a better update, but like a few people posted here I just need to put up with it or get my loving from an affair, which is looking more and more likely as I just stop trying with my wife from fear of rejection!

[NervisPervis]

Remaining the man you are isn't getting you anywhere. Time to change. She works part time and you work 70 hours per week? And you do 90% of the housework? Can you say massively beta male? The baby must be over 6 months old now. Time to put him/her down with some toys and do some dishes. Vaccume maybe. You shower her with romance and nothing? Time to slow that down as well.

 

Now the hard part. You need to accept that your wife may not love you as much as you think she does. After 10-15 years of living a life similar to yours I tried to fix it as well. It was going frustratingly slow. I finally dragged it out of her that she didn't realy love me any more. And since she is a "stay for the kids no matter what" parent, it was easier for her to fake it than do something about it.

[A1135]

I know she loves me, she is just in companion mode. She has no interest in sex, no interest in changing it.

 

I have cut back on the amount of work I do around the house, and have cut back on the affection.

 

She asked me the other day why I seem down and unhappy and when I told her the same as usual, that we dont have a passionate relationship anymore, there was almost no discussion. She doesnt even want to discuss it anymore.

 

I think I am heading more and more towards an affair. I know its a weak move but I am a broken man, I dont enjoy life, I am miserable all the time, I dont concentrate on work and I generally just dont care anymore. Honestly the first woman that comes along that shows any sort of affection and I am pretty sure that I wont be able to resist.

 

I have read through all the other 'sex less' marriage threads on here and they are all the same. And unfortunately they all seem to end in the same way.

[Marcy33309]

I'm sorry for your troubles.

 

I just commented on another thread that has much the same tone as this one.

 

I wouldn't blame you for having an affair however, separation is a better move as far as I'm concerned.

 

Part ways and take a break.

 

You may find that once you're on your own and free to be who you are and to be with whomever you want (without sneaking around) that divorce is not such a bad thing and you'll take the next step and end the marriage.

 

OR you may find that the grass isn't greener and you'll both find a way to mend what's broken.

 

I think affairs are fun...but if you get caught, the blame will forever be on you. Even if she was the most horrible of wives, once you cheat, society, your coworkers, family, friends...will all point the finger at you and you'll wind up paying for it for the rest of your life OR you'll get divorced anyway. May as well take the proper route and not get into a big cluster f*** of an affair.

[Radu]

Don't do the affair because then it will be a bad example for your kid, oh ... she will let him/her know that D happened because of it.

 

Affair means power goes to her.

 

If you can't live like this anymore, Divorce her.

Fathers have rights too.

[oldshirt]

A1135 get the audio book, "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands." by Dr Laura Schlesinger.

 

That book has the most accurate description of the role of sexuality in a marraige from the male perspective that I have ever heard. In the book she describes very well what happens when women decide that sex is just another chore and don't take it seriously.

 

Get the audio book and listen to it by yourself first so you understand what is going on in your own head (and also to see if it is applicable to you and your situation) If it is applicable and you agree with what Dr Schlesinger says then tell your wife under no uncertain terms that she should listen to it herself if she wants to remain married to a faithfull and devoted husband (one of the major tenats of the book is that normal, decent, loving husbands and fathers WILL cheat or leave the marriage or delve into porn, substance abuse or become completely self-absorbed if their sexuality is neglected)

 

She will be pissed and annoyed when you ask her to read/listen to it but once she does she will at least understand where you are coming from and understand the role of sexuality in your connection and appreciation of her.

 

If she is just being lazy and not taking it seriously it might be a wake up call for her.

 

If it really is that she has lost her attraction and desire for you she will likely try to put out for a week or two and then slump back into her same old routine.

 

If she reads the book and slumps back into her old routine she will at least understand why you are having an affair or why you are packing your bags and moving out and she will understand her role in your decision to do so.

 

If she reads this book and continues to not want anything to do with you sexually, then she will at least be making an informed decision and will realize the outcome of her actions (or inaction as the case may be)

[belkin2]

I know she loves me, she is just in companion mode. She has no interest in sex, no interest in changing it.

 

 

 

This is completely in line with my situation.

 

I think I am heading more and more towards an affair. I know its a weak move but I am a broken man, I dont enjoy life, I am miserable all the time, I dont concentrate on work and I generally just dont care anymore. Honestly the first woman that comes along that shows any sort of affection and I am pretty sure that I wont be able to resist.

 

Unfortunately for me...3 years ago this was me and I gave into the temptations of the environment I was in that made an affair all to easy. So speaking from that experience, DO NOT do it! The damage it causes is terrible and although you feel like dirt and feel hopeless and somehow justify it, you will be sorry afterwards. Others have pointed out many valid reasons not to do this.

Get help, separate, divorce anything else but do not have an affair.

[Janesays]

Do you know how many times my boyfriend has initiated sex when I haven't really been in the mood? Like, 60% of the time! Yet...we almost always end up having fantastic sex.

 

So how does he do it?

 

One, he doesn't 'talk' about it. He doesn't 'ask' about it. He just DOES it.

 

Not very aggressively, at first, mind you. We'll just cuddle on the couch or in bed or wherever and he'll absent mindly (or so I'm led to believe) start touching me. If I say, 'Not now' he'll just say 'no problem, I just like feeling you' and continue. Slowly, slowly, working me up. A few whispers and kisses on the ears. Little nibble on the neck. Hand gently creeps down my pants. Oh, honey, I'm getting up for a drink? Need anything?

 

And then more snuggles and touches. After a fair bit of time, I CAN'T say no because I'm so darn worked up that I can't stand it.

 

Does it take a fair bit of time? Sure, sometimes. But let me put it to you this way....we have never gone more than 12 hours without having sex.

 

Just touch her. Kiss her. Create that intimacy. Take your time. Your goal isn't to get laid. Your goal should always be to turn her on. Once she's turned on, you're golden!

[belkin2]

Do you know how many times my boyfriend has initiated sex when I haven't really been in the mood? Like, 60% of the time! Yet...we almost always end up having fantastic sex.

 

So how does he do it?

 

One, he doesn't 'talk' about it. He doesn't 'ask' about it. He just DOES it.

 

Not very aggressively, at first, mind you. We'll just cuddle on the couch or in bed or wherever and he'll absent mindly (or so I'm led to believe) start touching me. If I say, 'Not now' he'll just say 'no problem, I just like feeling you' and continue. Slowly, slowly, working me up. A few whispers and kisses on the ears. Little nibble on the neck. Hand gently creeps down my pants. Oh, honey, I'm getting up for a drink? Need anything?

 

And then more snuggles and touches. After a fair bit of time, I CAN'T say no because I'm so darn worked up that I can't stand it.

 

Does it take a fair bit of time? Sure, sometimes. But let me put it to you this way....we have never gone more than 12 hours without having sex.

 

Just touch her. Kiss her. Create that intimacy. Take your time. Your goal isn't to get laid. Your goal should always be to turn her on. Once she's turned on, you're golden!

 

Sounds great and its awesome that your relationship is like that.

However, with some women NO is NO and trying to kiss or touch any erogenous zones after being told no is only going to work them up to being completely pissed and feeling disrespected.

I have tried initiating without asking and the no I received was the same no I get when I ask.

You are not always in the mood right at the same time your boyfriend is, but you obviously are still attracted to him and desire him sexually. Most guys here talking about sexless or sexually unsatisfying relationships are well beyond that and their SOs just don't see them in the same way you see yours.

[Janesays]

Sounds great and its awesome that your relationship is like that.

However, with some women NO is NO and trying to kiss or touch any erogenous zones after being told no is only going to work them up to being completely pissed and feeling disrespected.

I have tried initiating without asking and the no I received was the same no I get when I ask.

You are not always in the mood right at the same time your boyfriend is, but you obviously are still attracted to him and desire him sexually. Most guys here talking about sexless or sexually unsatisfying relationships are well beyond that and their SOs just don't see them in the same way you see yours.

 

Well, when I was married, we rarely had sex either. But you think not getting sex gets old? How about getting sex, but never ever ever climaxing? That gets real old too. The big difference between my boyfriend and my ex husband is that my boyfriend actually tries to turn ME on. My husband only wanted sex. I was irrelevant outside of being the 'thing with the hole.' I went 3 years with regular sex and NO ORGASMS before I started turning him down. It had NOTHING to do with my attraction level to him....if anything he was in better shape than when we were dating. It had EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he treated me as a means to an end and obviously couldn't care less if I climaxed or not.

 

OP's wife seems to need porn to 'feel sexy.' That means he's not going to the effort to get her going, so she needs to do it herself via porn. Ugh, I wouldn't want to have sex with him either.

 

On the off chance you DO get sex, does your wife climax EVERY SINGLE TIME? Do you care if she does or not? Do you ever have an evening where you say, "Hey honey, I just want to pleasure you any way possible. You don't have to do anything for me." and mean it?

 

Or do you just grab at her when you need something to put your pee pee in? Ask for sex in the same tone of voice one uses to order a pizza?

 

Women need sex JUST AS MUCH as men. The problem is, very few men actually go to the effort of making themselves into fantastic lovers. There is nothing worse than getting continually worked up and left hanging, fellas. I'd rather have no sex than horrifically unsatisfying sex.

 

I'm sure your wives feel the same way.

[belkin2]

Well, when I was married, we rarely had sex either. But you think not getting sex gets old? How about getting sex, but never ever ever climaxing? That gets real old too. The big difference between my boyfriend and my ex husband is that my boyfriend actually tries to turn ME on. My husband only wanted sex. I was irrelevant outside of being the 'thing with the hole.' I went 3 years with regular sex and NO ORGASMS before I started turning him down. It had NOTHING to do with my attraction level to him....if anything he was in better shape than when we were dating. It had EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he treated me as a means to an end and obviously couldn't care less if I climaxed or not.

 

OP's wife seems to need porn to 'feel sexy.' That means he's not going to the effort to get her going, so she needs to do it herself via porn. Ugh, I wouldn't want to have sex with him either.

 

On the off chance you DO get sex, does your wife climax EVERY SINGLE TIME? Do you care if she does or not? Do you ever have an evening where you say, "Hey honey, I just want to pleasure you any way possible. You don't have to do anything for me." and mean it?

 

Or do you just grab at her when you need something to put your pee pee in? Ask for sex in the same tone of voice one uses to order a pizza?

 

Women need sex JUST AS MUCH as men. The problem is, very few men actually go to the effort of making themselves into fantastic lovers. There is nothing worse than getting continually worked up and left hanging, fellas. I'd rather have no sex than horrifically unsatisfying sex.

 

I'm sure your wives feel the same way.

 

Sorry to be hijacking the thread with my issues, but since we are engaged in the discussion...

 

No, my wife rarely ever has an orgasm. She used to in the beginning and when we went through hysterical bonding she did.

But outside of that she has shut down foreplay almost entirely and rarely gets into it. I have tried to talk to her about it because getting her to climax is just as important to me and I want to pleasure her, but she says it isn't about that for her and she doesn't care. She is never open to continuing to fool around so we can go at it again....and my turn around time is actually pretty quick, especially with her when she is into it.

Thats not what shut her down...she shut down well before her climaxing regularly was an issue.

I know I am capable of pleasing a woman. I have gotten many off through oral alone. What I wouldn't give for my wife to open up to that. And I know all women are different so I am not closed minded to coaching on what SHE likes.

[Janesays]

Sorry to be hijacking the thread with my issues, but since we are engaged in the discussion...

 

No, my wife rarely ever has an orgasm. She used to in the beginning and when we went through hysterical bonding she did.

But outside of that she has shut down foreplay almost entirely and rarely gets into it. I have tried to talk to her about it because getting her to climax is just as important to me and I want to pleasure her, but she says it isn't about that for her and she doesn't care. She is never open to continuing to fool around so we can go at it again....and my turn around time is actually pretty quick, especially with her when she is into it.

Thats not what shut her down...she shut down well before her climaxing regularly was an issue.

I know I am capable of pleasing a woman. I have gotten many off through oral alone. What I wouldn't give for my wife to open up to that. And I know all women are different so I am not closed minded to coaching on what SHE likes.

 

Well, that's your problem right there. You're too busy 'talking' about it and not 'doing' it! No greater turn off than a man who complains that you're not orgasming. It has tendency to make a woman feel like something is wrong with HER.

 

My ex used to do the same thing. And I used to SAY the same thing. I can't count how many times I said, "Listen, I just like being close to you. I don't care if I cum or not."

 

I said that because I didn't want to totally emasculate him. Not because it was true. Do you honestly think women have fantastic orgasms and say to THEMSELVES, "Oh wow. I so don't want to do that again!" Come on, man. Give me a break.

 

And I ALSO hated to keep having sex after my ex 'finished.' From my point of view, I wasn't the least bit turned on when we started. I just wanted to finish my chores.

 

In the beginning, it's easy to make a woman orgasm because she's so worked up by the NEWNESS of the experience. But, after awhile, the new shine wears off. If a guy is a fantastic lover in the first place, then sex continues and actually gets better. If the guy was lame and just getting by until his 'new penis smell' wore off, sex is going to come to a grinding halt.

 

My guess? You suck in bed. And if you left your wife and met a new woman tomorrow, you'd have a year or two of regular sex and then be in this VERY SAME predicament. I mean, my ex went through the same thing with his ex wife before me. At the time, I was like, "What was HER problem? She must have been a cold fish..."

 

Two years later and I'm like, "Ohhhhhhhh.....it wasn't her at all. It was HIM. Yikes, this is terrible."

 

Dude, get a book. Brush up on your technique. And then try to PLEASE YOUR WIFE. No, I'm not asking you to get laid. Forget about your neglected dick for awhile. Just please her. Let her know that she doesn't even have to look sideways at your pee pee if she doesn't want too. You just want to make her feel good.

 

You know what I want to do when a man gets me off? I want to put his dick in my mouth. True story.

[belkin2]

Well, that's your problem right there. You're too busy 'talking' about it and not 'doing' it! No greater turn off than a man who complains that you're not orgasming. It has tendency to make a woman feel like something is wrong with HER.

 

My ex used to do the same thing. And I used to SAY the same thing. I can't count how many times I said, "Listen, I just like being close to you. I don't care if I cum or not."

 

I said that because I didn't want to totally emasculate him. Not because it was true. Do you honestly think women have fantastic orgasms and say to THEMSELVES, "Oh wow. I so don't want to do that again!" Come on, man. Give me a break.

 

And I ALSO hated to keep having sex after my ex 'finished.' From my point of view, I wasn't the least bit turned on when we started. I just wanted to finish my chores.

 

In the beginning, it's easy to make a woman orgasm because she's so worked up by the NEWNESS of the experience. But, after awhile, the new shine wears off. If a guy is a fantastic lover in the first place, then sex continues and actually gets better. If the guy was lame and just getting by until his 'new penis smell' wore off, sex is going to come to a grinding halt.

 

My guess? You suck in bed. And if you left your wife and met a new woman tomorrow, you'd have a year or two of regular sex and then be in this VERY SAME predicament. I mean, my ex went through the same thing with his ex wife before me. At the time, I was like, "What was HER problem? She must have been a cold fish..."

 

Two years later and I'm like, "Ohhhhhhhh.....it wasn't her at all. It was HIM. Yikes, this is terrible."

 

Dude, get a book. Brush up on your technique. And then try to PLEASE YOUR WIFE. No, I'm not asking you to get laid. Forget about your neglected dick for awhile. Just please her. Let her know that she doesn't even have to look sideways at your pee pee if she doesn't want too. You just want to make her feel good.

 

You know what I want to do when a man gets me off? I want to put his dick in my mouth. True story.

 

Get over yourself and stop to consider not all women are like you.

 

You are right that after the honeymoon phase one or both can start getting a bit ho-hum about the sex and it is at that point that communication must occur to work together to spice it and keep the sexuality evolving.

So yes I addressed our sex life through words, not just trying to keep going when she clearly says no.

 

I have had enough long and short term partners to know the issue is not my physical ability or ability to romance and charm the pants off of a woman.

So with no foreplay, no oral and a wife that doesn't want to stop if I am about to finish but want to delay so she can get more pleasure...what the hell am I supposed to do. I guess I'll go get a book.

If it were so simple I wouldn't be on this forum.

[Janesays]

Get over yourself and stop to consider not all women are like you.

 

Yes, I guess it's easier to believe that all these women are just cold fish who HATE HATE HATE great, mind blowing, curl your toes sex. I mean, there is NOTHING worse than a fantastic orgasm that leaves your whole body shaking. Seriously, it totally sucks. I'd say about 99.8% of women feel this way.

 

That's why the human race is in danger of dying out, you know. Women just CAN'T STAND sex. Can I BE any more sarcastic?!?!?!?

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

[A1135]

Thanks for all of the comments guy, its good to get some different perspectives and advice.

 

I have ruled out an affair at this stage, I jest cant see that I would ever be able to live with myself. So its back with all efforts on making myself and my marriage better.

 

I will have a look at that book Oldshirt, so thank you for the reference.

 

Belkin2 it sounds like you have been here and made the other choice and regret it so thankyou for sharing.

 

To comment on Janesays, I have to agree with Belkin2, it sounds like that you are still very attracted to your boyfriend and that it only takes a while for you to realise that sex would be nice and thats a wonderful relationship for you to have.

 

Unfortunately my wife is like a 17 pin combination lock, where the combination to “getting turned on” changes every 3 mins, the moon and the stars must be all aligned for that 17.3 second window where all the things you talked about may actually work. I can take her out for nice romantic dinner, a walk along the beach cuddling and stopping to sit and kiss, come home, touching and holding hands the entire way, get home and continue the kisses and cuddles and affection, head to bed and she will cuddle up and thats it.

 

I would say that I have absolutely NO influence in turning my wife on. And thats one of my biggest frustrations is that sex is always when she wants it, and how she wants it. I try and try, I have even been keeping a diary as to all the things I do and then when we do have sex to see if there is any correlation and so far nothing!

 

When we do have sex 90% of the time I make sure it is all about her! And she regularly climaxes 2-3 times. After she always says, “we should do this more often”. There are times where I will do everything I can to make sure she is relaxed and feeling loved and sexy and I will try and go down on her with no other motive than to make her feel good and get her off, with me wanting nothing in return and I still get shut down.

 

Like Belkin2 says, the lack of foreplay, or lack of want from her part to accept pleasure just for her, makes me feel even more like that sex is a chore to her.

 

And to answer your other comment, I am excellent in bed! I still have old girlfriends comment that I am still the best lover they have ever had!

[BetrayedH]

Get the book, His Needs, Her Needs.

 

I also just wanted to say that I sympathize. This same thing happened in my marriage for the whole 7 years after my children were born. My wife became a mother instead of a wife. Sex was done. I did about the same as you, slowly losing my mind. Went went months at a time. Out of nowhere, it increased to twice a week and went on that way for a year. I thought we had made it through the woods. Turns out that she was involved in an affair. Go figure.

 

Don't put up with this too much longer. Sounds like a separation is in order. It'll either wake her up or you move on.

 

Sorry for your troubles.

[belkin2]

A1135,

I was reading over some of your posts again. I didn't see if you mentioned you guys have done any counseling. If so, I apologize for missing that.

I know you state you treat your wife well and do all the things people suggest (ie house work, cooking, stuff to relieve her burden, etc). I might suggest one of two things here. First, she may see through some of these efforts and feel you only do them for sex. If you have always done these things and your effort is always the same then probably not. But if you seem to ramp these things up when you are trying to get sex she may pick up on that and be turned off. Second, if she has told you that your involvement in that kind of stuff influences her sex drive she may be sending you on a wild goose chase for nothing as there are other underlying issues. Either way it may take some counseling to figure it out.

In my case, my wife went to IC for a bit before she started to get some clarity to what had happened early in our relationship that started some of our cycles of our unhealthy sex life. Along the way when I tried to address things she sent me down paths that ultimately had little to do with the real issues. They may have been some things that I needed to change to help us live together better, but they certainly didn't translate to sex and me even thinking that doing A+B will =C was just not that simple.

Have you tried to communicate with her about the overall happiness of the relationship? Make sure she knows you want her to be happy and if she is not you need to take interest and be willing to work on what her needs are as well as asking her to look at how your needs can be met. Try to get to a place where you can both be brutally honest, but respectful and then go from there. Don't place blame, just try to work towards understanding what has happened and then try to make changes to get back to making it a two way street.

If she comments you should do that more often when you have sex, she probably means it but there is something getting in the way causing an emotional block on her part. Work together to tear it down and be prepared to accept the things you do or have done that may have impacted her. But really try take blame in either direction out of it. Just accept it for what it is and realize people feel and interpret many things very differently and if the communication to work things out (even to agree to disagree) has not been there resentment can build up w/out even knowing it at times.

Cooking and cleaning and trying to be nice is all wonderful and she be a part of contributing to your lives together, but really attending to her needs may be very different. I am learning a lot of this w/my own relationship right now. There has been a lot of painful realizations and conversations, but I am holding on to hope that it will lead to brighter days. At least for now both my wife and I are working on it equally.

I hope you can get to the same place with yours.

Staying patient and believing in the process our MC is working through with us is the hardest part.

[SunflowerKitten]

Hi A (OP) -

 

Please see my reply to you on your "Ready to Leave Post"

 

I have read all your posts referring to the lack of sex in your marriage.

 

.......the lack of foreplay, or lack of want from her part to accept pleasure just for her, makes me feel even more like that sex is a chore to her.

 

When i read the part that i have in bold above, it struck me, and i need you to try and understand what i say.

 

I am here to help you!

 

If she is uncomfortable with you going down on her, she might feel that area isn't attractive to you, she might not be used to being pleased, in general, it makes her feel uncomfortable especially if she just had a baby and she had it naturally and not a c-section.

 

This doesn't mean oral or sex is a chore to her, there could be so many factors.

 

You have to ease her into enjoying being pleasured, and when she feels that peak, she will see what she has been missing.

 

 

I am not your wife, and i don't think the same as her, but i hope i can help you understand how we sometimes work, how our minds think.

 

I understand how important sex is to you, i can read it in your posts, it jumps off the page at the readers.

It isn't the physical contact necessarily, for you, it is the connection you feel, the closeness, the physical touch and the spark of emotions and feelings that happens when you connect on that level, the skin to skin, ect.

The emotional side i know most men will familiarize that as being what is most important to a woman, but that is not always the case.

 

Some women are turned off by romance and passion, their bodies are made up differently and it takes different ways to get them "in the mood".

(if they had a trauma then some amount of pain is what triggers their arousal, if they were traumatized sexually, then being intimate with general parts will be out of the question for them because how scarred that attack made them).

 

Some need pain in general (S&M, whips, you know the lifestyle society views as freaky)

 

Some women absolutely love romance, affection, passion, intimacy, the entire "fairy tale package".

A single touch on the neck, stomach, lower back, will send a shiver and spark through their body, and the will be ready and waiting for what comes next from their passionate male mate.

 

I suggest you read up and educate yourself on every aspect of intimacy, but it will be over kill to do it all at once, do it gradually.

 

You said before you want to keep a spark and that fun element and the spontaneity in your marriages sex life, well, then look up things you haven't tried.

 

The shower trick might be getting old, she might feel it isn't as romantic or frisky because she might think you are expecting sex to happen when the shower is over, the running of a hot bath, the massaging her neck, all those things are part of the "norm".

 

Her body needs to maybe have a jump start.

 

she needs to find what she can do to make herself feel good again, about how she looks and who she is.

She needs to feel sexy herself, then she will believe you when you tell her, that she is attractive in your eyes.

 

After having a baby her hormones are crazy and might take a long time to go back to normal.

She doesn't feel beautiful, she doesn't feel sexy, her body has changed, her skin might have stretched, the breast feeding will help her lose they baby weight faster, but the breast feeding and the milk production, she might feel you are grossed out to put your mouth in the same place that your son feeds from.

She might feel the breast feeding has changed how her chest looks.

 

What i suggest for you is to have a discussion when you both are not in a heated mood (heated meaning upset and both on the defense because what she says to you upsets you more and what you say to her makes her feel you are attacking her).

 

You need to lay everything out on the table in front of a marriage sex therapist/counselor.

Not just a marriage counselor, but one who specializes in the relationship of a couple and their sexual issues.

Him or her may be able to tell you some things on how you are thinking of this too much, how to tone down it your mind that you aren't getting what you need.

She needs to open up to you and let you know why did her mood or attitude and actions towards you change 2 yrs ago?

 

Did she have a trauma back then?

Did her belief in herself and why she feels unattractive, did that change? What caused it to change so drastically?

 

You journal, well, i suggest you start a new page, write down what you think are the top 5 keys to you that are important for a marriage you are in, what basics you need.

 

Share them with her, see if she has any of the same top 5.

 

Sadly to say, sometimes as we age, sexual desire dies down, but it does not mean we chose for it to happen.

Peoples views of life and what they want change, best friends grow apart.

 

You have to reconcile that spark and see what made you fall in love with her, what you continue to see in her that makes you love her.

 

You can't just say you don't love her as much anymore because sex has changed, that isn't fair, but also, that is a big sign that there is a deeper issue.

 

Big thing - you feel you are trying so hard, you feel you are doing the right things.

 

But sit back a minute.

 

If roles were revered, if your wife kept telling you she wasn't happy because you didn't pay enough attention to her or because you didn't initiate or want to have sex with her enough.

How would you feel?

If it was told to you every month, or several times every month.

How would you feel?

Would you wonder if she is addicted to sex, or putting too much emphasis on it?

Would you feel sad and feel that you are not good enough or there is something wrong with you because you are not meeting your wife's needs and making her unhappy?

 

Now, after thinking about if you were in her position, what does that make you think and evaluate of how you have been telling her that the lack of sex in the marriage, the lack of her wanting sex in the way "you need it", that it is her problem that is making you unhappy.

 

How do you think she feels?

What do you think her state of mind is when she sees you upset?

 

She doesn't know how to handle hearing you tell her why you are down anymore, so that is why the discussions from her end have stopped when you confirm her worst fear by answering her question and saying its because i don't have sex.

 

You need to write down why you feel miserable.

Sex cannot be the only reason.

 

If it is, then you are starting to jump into and classify yourself as someone who has an obsession and addiction to sex, but you don't show us the general stereotype.

You aren't a reoccurring cheater, are you addicted to porn?

Do you obsessively get yourself off alone? Are you fascinated by alternative life styles (open relationships, swinging, ect).

 

So, since you don't want to have an affair, and it seems to not be just the sex in general that is making you miserable, you need to find the real cause, and work from there.

 

I shared this on your other post about you feeling you were going to leave, but here is my experience from a woman's point on a sexless marriage.

 

I am 29, I got married when I was 18, he was 24, we had three children together.

 

He became ill and disabled couldn't work when i was 21/22 and was 27/28.

I became his caregiver, i took care of him on his death bed,but he survived, was there by his side during surgeries, doc visits, hospital stays, drove him to and from.

 

The vows of husband and wife were no longer there, he didn't view me as a wife or respect me as his wife or the mother of his children, we were married on paper, but it ended long before that.

He didn't respect or appreciate all I did for him.

I never blamed him or hated him for the way life had changed, i treated him the same as i always did, I loved him, bent over backwards to make sure he could do what he wanted to do and have fun. I was cute and flirty and spontaneous and daring, the list goes on.

 

He changed over time into a man who wanted to control, but also close himself off, didn't want to go out and do things. He would ignore my spontaneity and outgoing personality to try and help cheer him up. Intimacy to him was about him feeling something and getting off. He started indulging himself and his time in sports games or staying on the computer, i would be ignored, so would our three children.

 

I had to have a hysterectomy at age 25 and had breast cancer at age 27, i never had him to be the supportive husband for me during this time, if i was sick, it was a burden to him because i wasn't there to take care of him. My husband wasn't there for me in sickness and in health, but i was always there for him during his sickness and health.

 

His actions changed me into someone who stopped having a social life, i would take the kids out to play dates or birthday parties on the weekends, and i always went to the y to work out, but i wasn't the same woman, and the disrespect and degrading, and being shut down and turned down, all that caused this change in myself.

 

I realized what was going on and what had happened to my marriage, i was always trying, but he never wanted to, so stopped even making a small effort yrs before. He had it made, he got the young girl, he trained her, he had an object to have sex with and get his rocks off, and the biggest, he had someone taking care of him and making all the money to support the kids and him.

What did he have to do?................Nothing.

 

I was doing what i thought was the duty of a good wife and mother and supporting us and keeping the family together, and i was honoring my vows.

 

However, the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse crippled me being able to grow during my young adult life, and it wasn't until I was 27/28 yrs old that I saw how i had been played and courted when i was 18, and i was shown a facade by a man i thought i loved, he showed me who he thought i wanted to see, and i fell for the engagement and marriage hook line and sinker.

He is the type who doesn't like affection or touch, doesn't like hugs or kisses, doesn't like being romantic and surprising with flowers/doing nice things just because he feels like it.

He showed me a different man when we were dating and got engaged though.

 

He knew i was and always have been the dreamy girl who loves any part of romance and love.

I tell how i feel for someone and i also show it.

I love romance, affection, passion, intimacy, holding hands, kisses, saying i love you, a connection on every level imaginable, pda, the nice gestures, just the small things that show someone how much they mean to you.

 

I knew how cruel the world was and that life and love are not fairly tales.

 

I stuck out not having anyone to tell or show me that i was loved, attractive, appreciated, beautiful, or sexy for over 6 yrs. I stuck out not having equal passionate intimacy or a connection for probably the entire over 10 yr marriage.

I stuck out not having sex in my marriage for all this time.

 

As I said around age 27/28 - I finally had a voice and would speak up and stand up for myself.

 

I had to make the decision to leave and divorce when i saw that my kids deserved a better environment for their upbringing, and i had hoped i would find happiness in the future.

I separated last year at the age of 28, and my divorce was final in February this year, a month before i turned 29 (in march).

 

The marriage didn't end because of intimacy, it was so many factors all rolled into one big stress ball, that had already caused me to be sick twice and if i wanted my kids to have one healthy parent to raise them, then i had to make a change and a decision, which i did.

 

You need to try and see a counselor on your own, and maybe get your feelings out to someone else, other than your wife.

Counseling is very helpful and you could realize things you didn't know about yourself.

 

And to answer your other comment, I am excellent in bed! I still have old girlfriends comment that I am still the best lover they have ever had!

 

A - please be careful saying this because that means you hold this status of yourself and this expectation of yourself in your mind.

 

This is hurting how you view your wife.

 

Why?

 

Because you are setting her up for automatic failure because you don't see her saying or reacting to how "good" you think you are int he same manner as your old girlfriends do.

 

Are you still speaking to them, are they friends?

 

You need to be careful to understand and differentiated who your wife is, how her feelings are fragile, and how she is not those woman of your past.

 

I am not saying you are being overly confident or conceded, or your ego is too big right now.

 

There is a big difference between being confident and then being a man who thinks he is gods gift to all women.

 

I am just saying that you have yourself on a pedestal (due tot he praise and comments you got about your ability to arouse women), but your wife might be so down in the darkness of how she doesn't like her body or who she is, that she wont see you in the same light that you see yourself.

 

I don't know if anything I have said has helped, but look at the good things you have in your marriage.

 

You are newly married by a few yrs, you have your first child together.

You both are healthy, and still young.

 

Don't throw your love and marriage away by one thought that you are miserable, and the basis of t being about sex, marriage is about so much more than that.

[SunflowerKitten]

A1135,

I was reading over some of your posts again. I didn't see if you mentioned you guys have done any counseling. If so, I apologize for missing that.

I know you state you treat your wife well and do all the things people suggest (ie house work, cooking, stuff to relieve her burden, etc). I might suggest one of two things here. First, she may see through some of these efforts and feel you only do them for sex. If you have always done these things and your effort is always the same then probably not. But if you seem to ramp these things up when you are trying to get sex she may pick up on that and be turned off.

 

Yes, something i forgot to mention in my reply.

 

I agree with Belkin2 -

Your wife might be frustrated and hurt by seeing you "try" so hard to do these things, but in her mind she sums it up to you are only doing these things to get some action from her, so that you are pleased.

 

I can tell you first hand.

It is the most degrading thing for a husband to make his wife feel like an object of sex, that she is just there for his pleasing and for him to get off.

 

You need to do these things out of the kindness of your heart, not to get something in return as a "thank you".

 

If you truly are doing these things to help out, then find a way for her to see your actions of being nice and romantic are not connected to wanting to "butter her up" and get her "in the mood".