my bf didn't call/talk to me for two weeks. now he's back. am i foolish?? HELP!!!

[l2hvn]

so my bf did not call/talk/see me for two weeks. last time we spoke, he said "he wanted time for himself." i didn't know why he wanted it. but he just did. so i was devastated of course. but it's not like i didn't see it coming. we were both going through some stuff in our lives.

 

anyhows, so he did not call nor talk to me for two weeks (i didn't contact him at all). however, i called him the other night and left a VM to tell him that i need to pick up my stuff that i left in his place. we talked yesterday and agreed to pick up my stuff last nite. i went to his place. said hi. picked up my stuff. then left. i felt like he wanted to talk (and i wanted to talk as well) but it was too awkward. so i left right away. then when i was back in my car, i just had the urge to talk about it. so we did.

 

basically, he said he felt pressured to do too much (we've been together for almost 4 mos now). like he felt suffocated. i didn't see it that way. it wasn't like we were seeing each other everyday or anything. too him, he wanted to take things slow. the more he likes a person, the more he wanted to take things slow. to me, the more i like somebody, the more i want to be w/ that person. then he goes on to say. "i really like you a lot. but i feel like im being suffocated and i can't breath. and i didn't know how to say it and when to say it. i care about you and i think you're a great person."

 

we have very diff. styles of communication. i'm 25. he's 29. my longest relationship was just a little over a year. he was w/ his last serious gf for about 5 years (so it's not like he's afraid of intimacy or commitment). that ended 3 years ago.

 

he said he still wants to be w/ me, but that he wants to be able to do things on his own. he does not expect anything from me or in the relationship. and he isn't taking things too seriously. i really really like him a lot. and i think he's a very wonderful person.

 

the two weeks that we weren't talking, i was a little depressed. then i tried going out w/ other people. and there's this one guy who really likes me a lot. he would do anything in the world to be w/ me. to make me happy. but i don't feel the same way about him. all i could think of is my bf.

 

i am a fairly attractive girl and can get a guy i want. but i don't want any other guy. i want him. i want to be w/ him. he's very different from the other guys i've been with. maybe it's b/c he's real and genuine. and he doesn't pretend to be anyone else but him.

 

my bf asked me last nite if i've gone out on dates while we were on a break. he said "he wouldn't be mad" anyways if i did. i told him "i could if i really want to. it's just a phone call away." then he said, "that's nice to know." then he became rather quiet. like, ok, first he said he wouldn't be mad, then i detect some jealousy or something.

 

so basically, we're back together. but this time, there's an understanding that we will take things at a slow pace. no expectations whatsoever. i agreed to it. i haven't been w/ somebody like him. and i am falling for him hard and fast(and he doesn't even know it).

 

my question is, am i foolish for taking him back??????

[tiki]

I think there's definitely a difference between him not calling/talking to/seeing you for two weeks if he's abandoned you. But he didn't abandon you. He needed time and you did the right thing to give it to him. You're not wrong for taking him back. Hopefully, at this point, you guys can realize that it SUCKS to be without one another....and make this work. Maybe at a later point, he will recall how badly it sucked to not have you in his life, and hopefully he'll never go through that again. I don't think you're ignorant.

 

I can see where he would get quiet with the comment that you made. HE knows how beautiful, outgoing and awesome you are. He knows that any other man would have you. But why tell him that it's just a phone call away?! The only thing that he should be hearing at that point is how HE is the one. He didn't need to hear that you could get anyone you want, he already knows that. That's why he's with you.

[l2hvn]

Originally posted by tikibrandy

I can see where he would get quiet with the comment that you made. HE knows how beautiful, outgoing and awesome you are. He knows that any other man would have you. But why tell him that it's just a phone call away?! The only thing that he should be hearing at that point is how HE is the one. He didn't need to hear that you could get anyone you want, he already knows that. That's why he's with you.

 

 

well, after i said that and after he got quiet, i told him that i really like him a lot and that i didn't want to be w/ any other guy.

 

thanks for some advice. it definitely makes me feel better. i wasn't sure at one point whether i made a right decision or not. my friends told me to not see him anymore (eventhough some of them haven't even met him or don't really know him much).

 

but i feel so happy when im w/ him. i know he can't give me all the time in the world right now. but im learning to be more patient. and i know he did everything he could to make me happy, in his own way. i always saw it from my own point-of-view, not his. i know that now.

 

he's committed and passionate about his hobby (fishing tournaments) and that's cool. he's been doing it for 4 years. after the fishing season ends, i know he will have more time w/ me. plus, he's really close to his family but that they don't live here (they live in another state). so he's all alone here. and as for me, i am still dealing w/ the news of my dad's cancer (just found about 3 weeks ago). so we both really were under a lot of stress and we didn't need another one.

 

i really want to work things out w/ my bf. i know he's a good guy. if he's just any other guy, i wouldn't have even attempted to reconcile and compromise.

 

my friends don't know about this yet. and i know they will all think/say im stupid for taking him back. that i am giving him so much power in the relationship.

[Zoey]

If I were you, I'd be a little worried about the"no expectations" thing...what exactly does that mean?

 

Do you not 'expect' the relationship to be eventually become more serious?

 

Do you not 'expect' him to call you every night?

 

Do you not 'expect' to have plans together over the weekend?

 

Do you not 'expect' him to remain faithful to you?

 

Because, to me, it looks as though you are expecting a lot...You've already said that you are falling hard for him. I'd be wary of letting him get away with no expectations. If your not careful, this could be like a blank check to do/act however he feels.

 

Don't be scared to let him know what you do expect out of a relationship. It sounds like you want more than a no-strings-attached relationship and you definitely deserve one.

 

If both you expectations for the relationship are not inline, the one of you will always be on the short end of the stick. Trust me, that is not a fun place to be.

 

Good luck!

[Kate]

ok i don't know where to begin or end -- you are in the same exact situation i was at 4 months. we only made it just past 6 because of the SAME situation and MY actions.

 

listen, this thing is up to you and you can do it right -- i was warned and given advice on how to do it right, but it was all a little bit too late...after a couple of bad screwups on my part.

 

1st, never underestimate the power of a man's words -- esp. a genuine man. my guy was very independent, into his hobbies, VERY even-steven and a stable person (the circumstances of his life aren't, though, and that was more than 50% of our problem -- at least we can attribute it to an outside source!). he told me a couple of times that he was drained from his last relationship that ended only a month before we started dating. they were together for 4 years. in fact, we weren't even dating -- we were friends and started having sex, then fell in love, ... just a horrible sequence of events given the circumstances of our lives and such...we were both at SUCH unstable points in our lives!!!!!! ANYWAY, i listened but didn't because of this: I became confused, as you will too. although he WANTS to love you, give you everything, he WON'T. he will confuse the hell out of you because he is so kind, gentle, settled, etc. but his actions will never be enough for you. this will be hard, but please know it's not you -- it's his way. i took everything personally...and as rejection...and drew NO boundaries for myself during the whole thing, and i bascially forced HIM to take advantage of ME. i did EVERYTHING for him because i wanted him to come closer...and he did...but never in the way i wanted. i wanted HIM to do that stuff for me.

 

2nd, so don't give him too much. i drove my ex around for 2 months when he didn't have a car. he never ever asked me to, i volunteered...but then felt burned by my own behavior. i kept feeling so hurt that he just wasn't doing things for me. again, i was ignorning his words, the circumstances, and hoping love would conquer all -- l ove does not conquer all in THAT way -- only in the right way which you need to discover. so, things festered, i felt lonlier as my emotions grew, and he had no idea he was doing anything wrong. i ignored the fact that he was terribly emotionally drained from a 4 year rleationship, but liked me enough to force himself to try to be ready -- even though that was not being true to himself. (all this i found out a couple of weeks ago after many fights where i was angry and frustrated with him and there was no communication, etc. and then we broke up and didn't talk for 2 weeks and now everything is so clear and that's why i'm trying to save you here).

 

3rd, LET HIM CALL YOU. ALWAYS. this is NOT a game. he sounds like he NEEDS to be the one to WANT...not to be WANTED. who knows why, lingering emotions from a last relationship, whatever. doesn't matter. that's something i screwed up on, cause instead of looking at the facts, i was like, "that's rediculous. if i love him or want to talk to him i can call....." and when he didn't pick up i would go NUTS. like too many calls in a row. i had NO idea how much that would push him...FAR!!! despite his caring for me. there is a reason i am telling you this, cause i don't want you in my seat right now.

 

4th, please be patient with him. START FOCUSING ON YOURSELF. even though you may be strong, as i really felt and feel i am, you can come across as weak if you do not appear to be taking time for yourself, which, to him, really means taking things slow. now, you can still discuss your needs, but make sure they are not just you wanting the relationship to go faster.

 

things blew up with me and my ex because of the circumstances i listed, but mainly MY inability to take the bare minmum he could give me at this time. it affected us greatly. it sounds like your guy is in a better place than mine was, but still follow what i'm saying. don't take anything personally. you can win him over completely with your acceptance and independence. guys only say they feel like they have to give too much when they think that they are responsible for your happiness. so don't be confused with his comment in that respect.

 

when a guy says something, he's not trying to control you. he means it -- and if he was the bad type you wouldn't want to be with him, so give him a chance.

 

i wish my guy could see me writing this right now. i will probably show him later later if things work out.

 

i hope this helps, don't worry about feeling like you have to play games -- it may be a game for you personally, but for him it's what he needs. try to dig really really deep into waht he needs and don't screw it up like i did. i pushed him so far i am suprised he even agreed to get coffee with me the other night (by the way, if a guy loves you, he'll only leave to come back. even though i am going to give mine so much space, i saw the look he had in his eye for me*). don't jump the gun so you have to start from scratch again like me!! then again, there are just a lot of timing issues with him and me...you guys are ok, but recognize his needs even if it means comprimising yours a LITTLE...cause i bet you anything that you will be highly rewarded later. and if it gets to be tooooo much, and you really really need more and it's going to ruin the relationship, you tell HIM you need space -- but verbalize it nicely, and don't get drunk and blow up like I DID!!!!!!!!!!

[l2hvn]

wow, kate. those are some nice words... thanks a lot.. i was confused myself for a bit... like, we're back together, but sort of. take things slow. no strings-attached kind of. he keeps saying he still wants to be w/ me. but he can't give me that much time. like, he'll call whenever (casual dating i guess). he said he has too much stuff going on right now.

 

when i saw him last nite, he looked really stressed out and exhausted....

 

i plan on giving him all the space he wants. i don't intend on calling him. i want him to pursue me. it hurts and it sucks to not to be able to see him as much or talk to him as much as we used to. but i know that that's what needs to be done.

 

i feel like a fool sometimes for falling for him. and just when i thought i'd be strong enough to just leave, after seeing him again, i felt weak. after the talk that we had, i know that he really cares about me a lot. and i care about him a lot deeper than i thought.

 

my question is, why does he need to have space (b/c he feels "suffocated) if he's happy to be w/ me? (or isn't he??) at one point, he said that i deserve so much better (w/c i am). and what he did to me was really sh*tty. so then i asked him: "do you still want to be w/ me or not?" he said, "it's not like i don't want to be w/ you. i like you. i care about you."

 

so i am really confused!!!!!!!!!! help................ what does this mean??? what are we??????

 

i want him. i want to be w/ him. and he knows that i want him. and i want to hopefully evolve it into a serious relationship down the road. he says that 4 mos is still a little too early to commit to somebody. his time frame is about 6mos-1year. that's when he thinks he has a pretty good idea of what that person is. then he'll start thinking about getting serious.

 

at one point last nite, he thought that i was thinking about marriage and stuff b/c that's what he felt, w/ the way things are going. he said it's going too fast. i told him that i was not ready for it. i'd like to get married someday, but not now. and he said he's nowhere near ready for marriage....

 

so.. if having a space is what he needs, then i will give it to him. no matter how much it will hurt me to not be w/ him as much.

 

i asked if he was seeing or talking to another girl, he said he hasn't. he doesn't have time for it. then he actually got kind of pissed off about it b/c he thinks i don't get it (him not having time to date other people).

 

am i that stupid for taking him back? am i that weak? i feel like it sometimes. i want to be happy, but i know he's the only one in the world who could make me happy.

 

i am trying to gain my independence again. enjoying my life w/o him, or at least trying to be... what should i do now? other than not calling him? im trying to date other people, but the more i go out on dates, the more i think about him...

[Kate]

i was SO here. for me, it got to the point where I started acting crazy. in retrospect, i did my best. although i regret my actions at times, i did my BEST -- that tells me it was too much for me to handle, though now i want him back. my advice would be to tell HIM you need some space too. even if you don't. please do NOT lose your confidence. that is what i did. if i didn't lose my confidence, i wouldn't have acted nearly as crazy as i did at times wtih him. the relationship made me so insecure. when i spoke to him last week he said that had he been ready, he would have chased me like crazy and i never would have felt insecure.

[Kate]

try to keep it black and white even though it's SO gray.

 

you have 2 options here: 1) accept it, but you HAVE to do good things for yourself 2) tell him you need more from him and take a break completely.

 

the most important thing is your needs. my ONLY regret is not telling my ex earlier, "listen, i need more this, that, this from you. i am not happy right now. if you don't have the means, i need to give us space to figure things out." had i done that BEFORE things soured, i would be in such a better place right now.

 

don't puss out on saying this, i think you need to. your feelings will only grow stronger, and you will self-destruct.

[dreamguy]

"He sounds like he NEEDS to be the one to WANT...not to be WANTED."

Very nicely said Kate. Sometimes people ask for a break in order to fall in Love again. They feel they are falling out of love because they're being pampered and their every need is being met. This takes the charm out of it, it takes out the tension from the relationship. That's real bad because without tension (talking about normal tension such as feeling you have to work on a relationship to make it succeed, feeling you have to give and not just take, etc...) it would just become so boring and predictable that it would eventually fade out.

[l2hvn]

Originally posted by Kate

try to keep it black and white even though it's SO gray.

 

you have 2 options here: 1) accept it, but you HAVE to do good things for yourself 2) tell him you need more from him and take a break completely.

 

the most important thing is your needs. my ONLY regret is not telling my ex earlier, "listen, i need more this, that, this from you. i am not happy right now. if you don't have the means, i need to give us space to figure things out." had i done that BEFORE things soured, i would be in such a better place right now.

 

don't puss out on saying this, i think you need to. your feelings will only grow stronger, and you will self-destruct.

 

he actually asked me what i want. and i told him i want him. that i want to be w/ him. i didn't, couldn't, tell him that i want to be able to spend more time w/ him like we used to (b/c as it is, he doesn't have as much time to give to me).

 

when we ended our talk the other nite, we made up. he hugged me real tight. he told me he missed me a lot. and he was very affectionate. he held my hands throughout the nite and kissed me. it felt great.....

 

then he walked me back to my car and said good nite and told me he will call me later. that was thursday. it's already saturday (day 2) and he still hasn't called. i tried to not "wait" for him to call but i can't help it. everytime my phone rings, i prayed that it would be him.

 

so what do i do? what do i say if and when he actually calls? do i play it cool? should i meet up w/ him? or will that be the best time to tell him that i need my space? or do i call him and tell him that? it will be very hard for me to say it. but if that's what it will take to get him back, then i'll do it. but i don't know. he is a very stubborn guy. i don't know... if i tell him that, he would really think that i don't want him anymore in my life. perfect example, when i came to pick up my stuff, it was a quick hi and i left. he didn't ask for me to come in and talk. then i found out later when we were talking that he actually intended to talk w/ me, but he thought i was pissed at him (i left hurriedly) and he said he was going to call me but decided not to, b/c he thought i was mad at him.

 

bottom line, i want to leave a door of hope for us. all my friends have told me that i'll find a better guy.... easier said.... it's so hard to have that mentality when all i want is to be w/ him........... all my pain have diasppeared when i saw him again the other nite........

[l2hvn]

Originally posted by dreamguy

"He sounds like he NEEDS to be the one to WANT...not to be WANTED."

Very nicely said Kate. Sometimes people ask for a break in order to fall in Love again. They feel they are falling out of love because they're being pampered and their every need is being met. This takes the charm out of it, it takes out the tension from the relationship. That's real bad because without tension (talking about normal tension such as feeling you have to work on a relationship to make it succeed, feeling you have to give and not just take, etc...) it would just become so boring and predictable that it would eventually fade out.

 

you are SO right, dreamguy.... at one point, i felt like i was giving him too much power in the relationship... what is it w/ guys? is it the "chase" that they're after? what is it???? in the beginning, he was the one who was after me.. he was the one doing everything he could to make me happy... then as i have gotten to know him and liked him more each day, i was doing things to make him happy.... i thought about the fact that maybe, he doesn't like me anymore... and it breaks my heart.. but he kept telling me that he still likes me, that he still wants to be w/ me. that he cares about me.... is he just saying these to make me feel better? i want to believe that its true.. it sounded like he was being sincere. do guys say these to girls when they break up w/ them ???

 

he says i am being over-analytical.... he told me he didn't want to hurt me (that's why he disappeared for two weeks) and that what he really needs is time for himself. i don't think there are any other girls in the picture nor he has unresolved issues in his past relationship.

 

it sucks b/c most of my friends aren't single. either they're married or have SO's. so it's not like i could call them up and tell them to hang out or something.... i don't have many SINGLE friends.. and i tried to keep myself busy by going to the gym. it helps for a while. but at the end of the day, i still think about him... my job keeps me busy as i travel a lot. and that's probably the only time that i wouldn't be thinking of him as much. then again, at nite, when i go to sleep, i wonder what he's doing, or i wonder if he misses me too....

 

what do i do in the meantime????

[dreamguy]

then he walked me back to my car and said good nite and told me he will call me later. that was thursday. it's already saturday (day 2) and he still hasn't called. i tried to not "wait" for him to call but i can't help it. everytime my phone rings, i prayed that it would be him.

Why are you so impatient ? He said the words "I will call you" didn't he ? He didn't say "I'll call you within 2 days". So take him up on his word ! A real man who respects you always keeps his word. If he doesn't (and you should wait for more than just 2 days to know if he will call back... I'd say wait for 1 week or 2 weeks) then he simply is not worth it. He'll make you miserable all your life. Do you want that ?

 

so what do i do? what do i say if and when he actually calls? do i play it cool? should i meet up w/ him? or will that be the best time to tell him that i need my space? or do i call him and tell him that? it will be very hard for me to say it. but if that's what it will take to get him back, then i'll do it. but i don't know.

To answer your question "what do I do ?".

1) It's advisable to always be cool. You keep your self-dignity, you keep control, you confuse and intrigue your ex, and most of all you make them feel relaxed when talking to you (eventhough they might not be happy because you're not showing them any feelings).

2) Don't ask to meet him. He should ask to meet you.

3) Never tell someone who dumped you that you need your own space. (already talked about this in another post. It's like telling someone "I'm gonna punch you" before doing it. They'll be prepared and will probably move their head away to avoid your first. Then they'll laugh at your feeble attempt to hit them). When someone dumps you and you feel you need some space, just do it.

 

The bad news is: Trying to get back an ex who dumped you is very hard. You gotta have some exceptional patience and strong will to do it.

 

The second bad news is: There are no garantuees that it will work. Some persons never change their minds.

 

The good news is: There's always hope but you have to set a limit to how much time you're willing to wait for that ex to change their mind. You can't keep on trying forever. You have your own life to live and there are plenty of fish in the sea !

[CurlyIam]

The question here is not if you want to be with him or not, but about what you want out of the relationship.

 

IMO, you want someone who's emotionally available. He does not seem to fit the profile. Not that he didn't love or care for you. He is simply unable to fulfill you emotional needs. This is what you should be considering. Especially since most of your friends are in a relationship.

 

It is much about a lifestyle.

 

At the beginning, my relationship with my bf was just like yours. Worse. It took us 3 weeks between the first to the second date. First week end he was busy, the second I had a party to go to.

 

But I didn't mind the space or the time off. I had my friends (girls only- I know, I'm lucky ) to go out with, we would go dancing, or downtown to dine, we would spend week end together watching dvds or cooking... And not all of them were single.

 

It is a lot about what you want, about what you need at this moment in your life. You'll get tired of waiting, believe me. I'm not saying to give up on him, but to look at things as they are. You want a man near you. He can't give you that. You do the maths...

 

 

 

 

I'm not saying that you shuld not wait for him, but you have been together for 4 months now... It is a lot, dear... A break after 4 months is bad news... Maybe he felt he was getting too involved... MAybe he wants you to leave him...

 

I think that's the most reasonable hypothesis. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he is pushing you away... if after 4 months of time together he didn't get to overcome his insecurities... I even doubt it's a matter of time... I think it's a matter of him being ready to. Him deciding to move on, him deciding to make compromise more ... he still puts himself over you, his needs, his time, his priorities... I am not questioning his motivations here, but his deeds. In the end they are those who matter.

 

 

Honey, think about this... do you really want this out of a relationship? Can you handle this? For how long? Until when?

[l2hvn]

curlyiam, thanks for your input. all of my friends have told me the same thing. that he's simply just not ready for a serious relationship.

 

i am hurting so bad. i got dumped. it sucks to get dumped. i feel like i've lost whatever self-confidence i have left. my self-esteem right now is down the drain.

 

this weekend, i tried to get myself distracted. hung out w/ some friends. i got distracted for a little bit, but on the way back home, i kept wondering about him, what he's doing, if he misses me too.. and i kept thinking about the good times we had together....

 

i feel like crying but it seems as if i have no more tears left. i want to be happy again... soon! i just want to get past this feelings of rejection and neglect.... i don't want to feel this pain any more.. it is driving me insane... it's making me feel worse... it makes me feel so worthless... unappreciated. abandoned. unwanted. unloved.... and those thoughts drive me to depression. sometimes, i feel like disappearing for good.....