What made you pull out of depression?

[lilyblue]

8 months after my break up and I'm still just so depressed about it. I've been doing all the "right" things, but nothing seems to be helping. Anyone care to share your story about what made a difference for you that was maybe above/beyond the normal?

[dicky_fish]

Get yourself a really good shrink. And talk about it. If you can't get a shrink then talk to a friend or relative until you're blue in the face about it because you'll only get in a worse state if you hold it back.

 

If you want to know any more just look back through my past posts as it details pretty much exactly what you're going through, at least from the depression point of view.

 

I still have my off days, but it's about getting yourself to tell that internal voice steeing your mood down to get back in it's place. My method is to tell whatever bad thoughts I have to p*ss off because I don't want them there.

[Strength]

the way out of depression is self-love.

and i know it seems a million miles away and im not there myself yet but im working at it.

i said it in a couple other posts today, you have to start by waking up in the morning, and telling yourself a few things:

 

"i love myself for who i am"

"may i be happy and healthy"

"may my heart be full of love for others"

 

it might not seem like much, but start doing it, as often as you can, every day and everytime you start to feel bad.

 

learn to shift the axis of your thought and how you perceive yourself and your life.

learn to slowly make your heart awaken and feel warm, finally knowing how much you WANT to be a good person. ive been doing it for a couple weeks now and i just feel a bit different, i feel less angry and less inclined to react poorly to situations and i feel like i am a bit calmer.

 

keep telling yourself these lines so so so much.....

 

you can control what is in your heart towards yourself. this is the first step.

 

best of luck to the both of us!

[Ajax]

After my breakup from a relationship that only lasted months, it took me a year to just feel "okay." Most days I struggled just to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

 

Now it's about three months shy of the two year mark, and I have to say I feel a lot better about myself and where I am. That's not to say my life's perfect by any means, but I'm on the upward path and pretty optimistic about where my life will take me.

 

As said here before, a key to getting back on the right path is to love yourself. And just as with any relationship, the little things you do for yourself matter. From eating right (hard for me after my breakup because my stomach was in knots), exercising, and spending time getting to know who you are again.

 

And time is also important, as others have mentioned. And it really can take a lot more time than we think it ought to. I did talk to a counselor just after my breakup and when I said how frustrated I was at not being better (after about a month) he said "it takes the time it takes." And while it's best not to wallow in self pity too much, it's probably okay to indulge in the sadness once in a while.

 

I hope things start to look up for you, lilyblue.

[lilyblue]

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond. It helps so much just to have that small act of generosity.

 

I'm eating fine, I exercise a lot (it really seems to be the only thing that ever helps, but I can't really do more), I have a therapist that I like, and I'm on meds and still... nothing seems to help. I like myself, but no one else seems to. I'm very pessimistic at this point and I can barely think of anything to look forward to. I've lost a lot of my friends through this, and it's not like I'm in a position to make new ones at this point. I feel really useless on a daily basis.

[Tree_Salmon]

Working out, reading about and dealing with your issues, making new goals, completing old goals, thinking positively, going on dates with people, being around positive people, getting rid of poisonous people, being successful at your job, etc.

 

All these things help me. It's hard at first but eventually it becomes a normal way of life. I'm on my first month and I'm already doing much better than I expected. It's all in the mind. Self love is the way to go.

[lilyblue]

I'm just finding it really hard to be positive when there's absolutely nothing positive going on.

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm just finding it really hard to be positive when there's absolutely nothing positive going on.

 

I know how you feel. It probably won't bring you much solace, but things could always be worse. There are nations where women have to walk a mile -- under the threat of rape -- in order to get clean water. There are nations where children sit in the streets and beg for money food. There are nations where the government slaughters its own citizens.

 

That doesn't replace the loneliness. It doesn't replace the prospect of what "could have been". But I guess it is at least something.

[lilyblue]

I know how you feel. It probably won't bring you much solace, but things could always be worse. There are nations where women have to walk a mile -- under the threat of rape -- in order to get clean water. There are nations where children sit in the streets and beg for money food. There are nations where the government slaughters its own citizens.

 

That doesn't replace the loneliness. It doesn't replace the prospect of what "could have been". But I guess it is at least something.

 

Believe me, I have tried this tactic with my brain too. All I come up with is what a depressing place the world is.

[CopingGal]

Volunteer work for a worthy cause helps a whole lot.

[kindest]

Around this time last year, I was depressed by a failed relationship and started posting in another forum.

 

At the same time, I met a few new people. I think they really helped me pull out of my depression.

 

One of those people I met fell in love with me, and I fell hard for him, too. He's my most recent ex boyfriend. Our relationship ended which led me to be depressed, again. lol

 

So now I'm in this forum and I guess I'm just riding it out until time heals the fresh wounds.

[Friggia]

Hi Lily,

 

I'm on here recently for a similar problem with a disappearing man whom I was friends with before and who seems to have deliberately misled me on some things, but without communication with him I'm not sure what was really going on in his mind....anyway, yada yada yada there are soooo many incidences on this board and it's almost like it goes by a script some times so I don't feel like going into any details at this time (unless I have a really bad day and feel the need to vent, but I have been doing this in emails to a friend instead of to the man in question). I'm still in the early stages of what is clearly deliberate ignorance of me and my attempts to reach out, and it was unexpected because although we had been dating less than a month everything was going great. Tomorrow it will have been two weeks, with upsettlingly sporadic communication for a week before that. We are both involved in theatre (a hotbed of meaningless fling-type relationships) and he employs me and I am expecting to see him again the end of next month. Wonder how that will go....

 

Wow, tangent.... Lily, have you tried mindfulness meditation combined with cognitive reappraisal training? These two combined are believed to be the most effective at training the brain to be more resilient in response to stressful life events and you can stop the rumination you (and I) seem to be having. I have not tried it regularly yet but I have been reading about them and they sound really therapeutic and promising.

[Friggia]

Another thing that has been therapeutic to me in this admittedly early stage of grief I am having is making alone time for me to just cry, and really sob and let it out. It produces exhaustion. Of course, this is easier because the wound is still fresh. I was wondering if you still cry about this unfortunate thing that happened to you, or do you find it hard to produce tears about it and all you have is a sort of numbness? Just curious.

[Jethro]

I'm just finding it really hard to be positive when there's absolutely nothing positive going on.

 

Well, why? Do you have no hobbies that you enjoy? Do you have no friends or family to engage with?

 

I'll tell you what made me pull out of it... when I realized that another person is not responsable for my happiness. It's your job, don't expect anyone else to do it for you.

[Feelin Frisky]

Medication helped me to understand my own chemistry and how it contributes to pattern feelings and cyclical return to bad vibes. Exercise is very helpful too. These two can facilitate the way to finding and sustaining your best self. (By medication I mean a non-psychoactive drug like the SSRIs which include Prozac, Paxil et al which do not sedate or otherwise effect the central nervous system directly. Medication should be "transparent" so that you don't notice it--you only notice a difference in how you cope in the context of reality.)

[denise_xo]

Combination of medication, therapy, yoga, meditation, exercise, cutting out alcohol and cigarettes, eating properly, and trying to face my issues head on.

[lilyblue]

Hi Lily,

 

I'm on here recently for a similar problem with a disappearing man whom I was friends with before and who seems to have deliberately misled me on some things, but without communication with him I'm not sure what was really going on in his mind....anyway, yada yada yada there are soooo many incidences on this board and it's almost like it goes by a script some times so I don't feel like going into any details at this time (unless I have a really bad day and feel the need to vent, but I have been doing this in emails to a friend instead of to the man in question). I'm still in the early stages of what is clearly deliberate ignorance of me and my attempts to reach out, and it was unexpected because although we had been dating less than a month everything was going great. Tomorrow it will have been two weeks, with upsettlingly sporadic communication for a week before that. We are both involved in theatre (a hotbed of meaningless fling-type relationships) and he employs me and I am expecting to see him again the end of next month. Wonder how that will go....

 

Wow, tangent.... Lily, have you tried mindfulness meditation combined with cognitive reappraisal training? These two combined are believed to be the most effective at training the brain to be more resilient in response to stressful life events and you can stop the rumination you (and I) seem to be having. I have not tried it regularly yet but I have been reading about them and they sound really therapeutic and promising.

 

Another thing that has been therapeutic to me in this admittedly early stage of grief I am having is making alone time for me to just cry, and really sob and let it out. It produces exhaustion. Of course, this is easier because the wound is still fresh. I was wondering if you still cry about this unfortunate thing that happened to you, or do you find it hard to produce tears about it and all you have is a sort of numbness? Just curious.

 

Sorry you're going through the same thing. It's so freakin painful. None of the stages are fun at all, but that early stage of not really knowing what's going on is really other-wordly. Let me know how it goes when you see him, I'm interested to see how it will go as well.

 

I'll have to look up cognitive reappraisal training. I haven't heard of it.

 

I cried and cried and cried. Then I started medication and although I still felt sad, the tears seemed to dry up for awhile. They're seeping back in again now though.

 

Well, why? Do you have no hobbies that you enjoy? Do you have no friends or family to engage with?

 

I'll tell you what made me pull out of it... when I realized that another person is not responsable for my happiness. It's your job, don't expect anyone else to do it for you.

 

I have a few hobbies, yes. Lots of my friends also seemed to disappear on me with the onset of the depression, so I am probably more alone than I've ever been. My brother lives close by and I do see him a lot, but he has his own life too.

 

I don't think that he's exactly responsible for my happiness, but he is responsible for a portion of my unhappiness. Things have just spiraled since then.

[lilyblue]

Medication helped me to understand my own chemistry and how it contributes to pattern feelings and cyclical return to bad vibes. Exercise is very helpful too. These two can facilitate the way to finding and sustaining your best self. (By medication I mean a non-psychoactive drug like the SSRIs which include Prozac, Paxil et al which do not sedate or otherwise effect the central nervous system directly. Medication should be "transparent" so that you don't notice it--you only notice a difference in how you cope in the context of reality.)

 

Doing both, thanks.

 

Combination of medication, therapy, yoga, meditation, exercise, cutting out alcohol and cigarettes, eating properly, and trying to face my issues head on.

 

Doing most of this too (don't enjoy yoga).

[Friggia]

Mine actually apologized for being distant this morning and so I explained that I DID NOT want the relationship to progress any further because we work together. I think I dodged a bullet.

 

So......wow, I had a taste for three weeks of what you have been going through for eight months. I am going to explore this meditation technique.

 

Here are two books I would recommend: "The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live - And How You Can Change Them" by Davidson and Begley, and "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship Into a New Life" by Susan Anderson.

 

Also, just because you haven't heard from him yet doesn't mean that you will. I say just let it go (meditation will help) and say to yourself that in time, things will rightly sort out, and believe it. Believe it with all your heart, visualize resolution with or without it coming from him. And honestly, I really believe that HE WILL in time come back. The fact that things ended on a positive note says to me that he will, you just need to let go, don't worry about it now, and give it maybe another year, and in that year make yourself back into a whole person.

 

I'm starting to do the same thing.. Much love to you! You can do it.

[Friggia]

*Will not hear from him.... excuse me. I think you will, it's just going to take another year or so. You'll be fine Work through your situational depression, read, keep your mind constantly occupied like I did. Meditate.

[Friggia]

Oh, and by the way, were you prone to depression before this happened to you? Or is this the first instance of major depression you have had?

[lilyblue]

Mine actually apologized for being distant this morning and so I explained that I DID NOT want the relationship to progress any further because we work together. I think I dodged a bullet.

 

So......wow, I had a taste for three weeks of what you have been going through for eight months. I am going to explore this meditation technique.

 

Here are two books I would recommend: "The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live - And How You Can Change Them" by Davidson and Begley, and "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship Into a New Life" by Susan Anderson.

 

Also, just because you haven't heard from him yet doesn't mean that you will. I say just let it go (meditation will help) and say to yourself that in time, things will rightly sort out, and believe it. Believe it with all your heart, visualize resolution with or without it coming from him. And honestly, I really believe that HE WILL in time come back. The fact that things ended on a positive note says to me that he will, you just need to let go, don't worry about it now, and give it maybe another year, and in that year make yourself back into a whole person.

 

I'm starting to do the same thing.. Much love to you! You can do it.

 

 

Glad you put a stop to it and got some resolution. I agree, you most likely did dodge a bullet there. If I had ever gotten a chance to talk to mine, I might have done the same thing.

 

You know what makes me more calm than almost anything? When people say, after hearing the situation, that I will likely hear from him again. I have days when I believe this, and it helps so much - not in an "I'm waiting for him" way, just in a "things will sort out" way. It seems unlikely that I will never hear from him again, with all our history, but I also don't think that I will hear from him while he is with his ex-wife/gf. I'm sure it's her doing - not that he's not responsible, but I'm sure it was something she asked of him. So if they end up working out, I guess I might not ever hear from him. But that just doesn't make sense to me!

 

Oh, and by the way, were you prone to depression before this happened to you? Or is this the first instance of major depression you have had?

 

This is really the first instance. I'm tired of it!!

[Friggia]

I'm sure everyone goes through at least one instance of major situational depression in their lives. I think the length of yours is entirely normal, and you shouldn't worry if you feel this way off and on for the next year or so. To put it in perspective, he meant something to you for three years. The length of time it takes to get over someone is proportional to the length of time they meant something of significance to you, you lost a friend (for the time being, circumstances may call for it right now).

 

Another thing that I like to do when I am feeling weak and emotionally depleted is to look for things that make me laugh. Like Saturday Night Live or something. Laughing uncontrollably is so healing for the soul. And crying too, when you just need to let off some emotional tension.

 

I totally identify with your feeling like you needed to have the last word. It makes you feel more in control. I think half the time this past three weeks the ONLY reason I was upset was because I was just waiting around for him to come back just so I could reject him FIRST, haha. It's only natural.

 

All I can say is, you never know what good things will happen to you in the future. This situation could entirely turn around in a month when you least expect it, you never know! I mean, he surely hasn't forgotten what transpired. One day he'll get curious all on his own. I'm thinking that the reason he hasn't replied to your email even though it has been a distance of eight months is because he's filtered your emails. This has happened to me. You can try sending that email through Facebook email, which gives you an entirely new address that probably isn't blocked. When I sent an email to a guy that had blocked me a looong time ago now (when I was stupider), I did this and he then blocked me on Facebook. Hahahaha... (I can laugh about this now).

 

What state do you live in?

[Jingle14]

the way out of depression is self-love.

and i know it seems a million miles away and im not there myself yet but im working at it.

i said it in a couple other posts today, you have to start by waking up in the morning, and telling yourself a few things:

 

"i love myself for who i am"

"may i be happy and healthy"

"may my heart be full of love for others"

 

it might not seem like much, but start doing it, as often as you can, every day and everytime you start to feel bad.

 

learn to shift the axis of your thought and how you perceive yourself and your life.

learn to slowly make your heart awaken and feel warm, finally knowing how much you WANT to be a good person. ive been doing it for a couple weeks now and i just feel a bit different, i feel less angry and less inclined to react poorly to situations and i feel like i am a bit calmer.

 

keep telling yourself these lines so so so much.....

 

you can control what is in your heart towards yourself. this is the first step.

 

best of luck to the both of us!

 

You are absolutely right, and I have been trying and doing all the 'right' things too but I'm just not getting there and, for me, it is a year this month. It isn't going away and 'he' is still my first and last thought every day and on my mind - whether at the back or otherwise - all the time, wondering what he's doing but not really wanting to know as I know whatever he's doing is with someone who isn't me. I wish I could get to all you have said.

[lilyblue]

I'm sure everyone goes through at least one instance of major situational depression in their lives. I think the length of yours is entirely normal, and you shouldn't worry if you feel this way off and on for the next year or so. To put it in perspective, he meant something to you for three years. The length of time it takes to get over someone is proportional to the length of time they meant something of significance to you, you lost a friend (for the time being, circumstances may call for it right now).

 

Another thing that I like to do when I am feeling weak and emotionally depleted is to look for things that make me laugh. Like Saturday Night Live or something. Laughing uncontrollably is so healing for the soul. And crying too, when you just need to let off some emotional tension.

 

I totally identify with your feeling like you needed to have the last word. It makes you feel more in control. I think half the time this past three weeks the ONLY reason I was upset was because I was just waiting around for him to come back just so I could reject him FIRST, haha. It's only natural.

 

All I can say is, you never know what good things will happen to you in the future. This situation could entirely turn around in a month when you least expect it, you never know! I mean, he surely hasn't forgotten what transpired. One day he'll get curious all on his own. I'm thinking that the reason he hasn't replied to your email even though it has been a distance of eight months is because he's filtered your emails. This has happened to me. You can try sending that email through Facebook email, which gives you an entirely new address that probably isn't blocked. When I sent an email to a guy that had blocked me a looong time ago now (when I was stupider), I did this and he then blocked me on Facebook. Hahahaha... (I can laugh about this now).

 

What state do you live in?

 

Thanks again so much for responding.

 

I'm not really worried that I'm feeling this way, I'm not hard on myself about it or think I *should* be feeling any different, I just HATE it! I miss how I used to feel, but have no idea how to get it back.

 

More than anything, I think people usually make me laugh. And I think that's also what I miss so much about him, his happiness and ability to make me laugh. It's hard to find those situations to put myself in now because I just feel like such a downer. I don't want to subject happy people to hanging out with me - because who would want to in my state?

 

And yes, I think a lot of this feeling comes from my lack of control of the whole situation. It was totally his decision and I had absolutely zero say in it. It just makes me so angry! And sad. I've been trying to identify if he came back and I got to reject him and gain control would I? And I don't think so. I definitely think there would be some relief in my current feelings by doing that. But I think more than anything I would just want him back.

 

You're right in that I don't know what may happen in the future, but I don't really feel like anything good will, which is sad. I just feel like I'm being left behind and there's nothing really to look forward to. The situation could turn around - but I've half been hoping that since it happened, and it hasn't. You could be right about the email. Who knows I guess. I live in WA.