ash11ae Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I met this guy almost two years ago. We had a mutual friend and started talking on Facebook, joking. Immediately he sent me a friend request and we started chatting. Somehow we got on the topic of my boyfriend dying, and how his son had died too... Then he started texting me things like, "I could easily fall very hard for you" and calling me and telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me. I started falling for him, too. And it felt so good to have a connection with someone again. But... he was married. And I knew it was wrong, but I guess I told myself we were just talking and it couldn't hurt. He was overseas so we couldn't be together, but the conversations definitely got risque. I was also interested in another guy at the time, and he would say things like, "What do I have to do to keep you from being with him?" Even though he was taken... I should have known then, the signs of him wanting to possess me, but not really wanting to love me... I cut ties with him finally because I realized - his wife deserved better, and so did I. It wasn't fair to either of us. I wanted someone who was MINE, and I didn't want to do to another woman what I wouldn't like done to me. A few months later, he separated from his wife, and I got so excited. I wrote him and we started talking again. Immediately we started dating, even though he wasn't divorced yet. His wife actually left him; which I guess should have been another sign. All his talk about how unhappy he was, but he fell to pieces when she left. We dated for a few months, and it was serious, but complicated. We broke up and stayed friends. Earlier this year we explored the idea of a relationship again. We're long distance, so it's hard. But he talked about taking a job somewhere and having me move with him, promised to ask me to marry him someday, talked about how he dreamt of having kids with me... And then I found out he was dating another woman the entire time. And had no intentions of being with me because he was "in it for the long haul" with her. When he broke up with his wife, he called me by her name once or twice. Now, he's called me by this new girl's name once or twice. I've seen posts he's made online about how to be better for the both of them, how to make them happy, how to be a good husband and boyfriend... but never anything like that for me. And I realize... I wasn't anything to him except a fling. A solution to his mid-life crisis, a rebound from his divorce, and a back-up to his current girlfriend (who doesn't really want a relationship with him). Maybe I got what I deserved. I don't know. It really sucks and hurts. And what's worse is, he posted on THIS forum last month, something along the lines of, "If he cheated with you, what makes you think he'd ever be faithful to you?" I guess he would know.
wellwhynot Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) And I realize... I wasn't anything to him except a fling. A solution to his mid-life crisis, a rebound from his divorce, and a back-up to his current girlfriend (who doesn't really want a relationship with him). Maybe I got what I deserved. I don't know. It really sucks and hurts. And what's worse is, he posted on THIS forum last month, something along the lines of, "If he cheated with you, what makes you think he'd ever be faithful to you?" I guess he would know. I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't believe in karma, I think it's a lot of metaphysical nonsense. I think you are hurting because you with a jerk. You didn't DESERVE it because you made the choice to be with him. I hope your pain lessens and that you can find peace and move on. Edited May 23, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed inflammatory remark 2
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 my boyfriend dying, and how his son had died too... I'm sorry for your loss. Be glad you didn't end up with this guy. You were in it with your heart and he was in it for his ... well, you know. Don't think you deserved this, so don't beat up on yourself, it serves no purpose and it's just going to make you feel worse. You are free! Free to find love with someone who is honest and isn't going to hurt you or play games. 1
MissBee Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 ). Maybe I got what I deserved. I don't know. It really sucks and hurts. And what's worse is, he posted on THIS forum last month, something along the lines of, "If he cheated with you, what makes you think he'd ever be faithful to you?" I guess he would know. Wow...that is such a slap in the face. I can only imagine. I don't think you should see it as getting what you deserved, but rather, a lesson to learn from. You obviously saw the signs that this man wasn't an A plus partner, but allowed yourself to be swept away, now you're kicking yourself. I think you should focus on the lessons learned and decide to listen to yourself and be observant the next time around. Don't pin your worth on him and try not to feel too bad about being rejected by a man that is NOT that great. This is most likely a blessing in disguise. Your boyfriend was dying and his son, this is HORRENDOUS! I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine that during such an emotionally trying time, you were more vulnerable and he latched on to it (how odd he chooses to text you to say he can fall for you after that conversation of your bf dying...smh ). Anyway, perhaps some counseling would help you deal with grief from that situation and help you to let go of this one that probably was a domino effect from that. Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes and most have had our hearts broken or have been rejected or lied to...it says nothing about our inherent worth. We have to just take the lessons and keep on keeping on. 1
Author ash11ae Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Yes... I feel that he did take advantage of me, knowing I was vulnerable after losing my boyfriend. And to try to persuade me not to go out with another guy, when he was married... it is the same as he is doing now. He has been in a relationship with this woman for the last five months, but has been jealous and angry any time I have ever even hung out with a guy friend. I was honest with him about sleeping in my friend's bed and nothing happening... I was honest with him about another friend expressing interest in me... Just a few weeks ago, after we had decided to "just be friends," and I was backing off of him, he suddenly started texting me like crazy, pictures of his son. And I responded with short responses because I had a friend over and also because I knew I had to keep a safe distance. Then he asked if I was mad at him, and I answered no, that I had a friend over... He immediately inquired as to whom, asked me if we were dating, when I told him it was none of his business because he didn't want me, he said, "I never said that, I still love you" and kept texting me and showing interest! And now, a few weeks later, he acts like I am nothing to him? Why was he so controlling, and trying to keep me from being happy with someone else, if he wasn't going to be with me? I really thought he loved me last year. Are they just that good at pretending? I know maybe I don't deserve this, but I feel like I should have seen it coming, after the way he talked to me. I think all I've ever been to him is just a girl who happened to be there to get him through hard times.
Author ash11ae Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 What I don't understand is, he claims he was cheated on before. How could he do that to another person, knowing how it feels? Before me, he was married twice, and both of them did horrible things and messed him up pretty badly. And I won't say I was perfect or anything... I'm sure I messed him up some, too. But I never, in a million years, would have done this with him. Even when I had feelings for someone else after we broke up, and had the chance to sleep with them, all I could think of was how he would feel, how it would affect him. And I didn't do it. I don't blame him for falling out of love with me, if he ever was IN love with me, but there is no excuse for him cruelly leading me on and toying with my emotions like that.
Got it Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Yes... I feel that he did take advantage of me, knowing I was vulnerable after losing my boyfriend. And to try to persuade me not to go out with another guy, when he was married... it is the same as he is doing now. He has been in a relationship with this woman for the last five months, but has been jealous and angry any time I have ever even hung out with a guy friend. I was honest with him about sleeping in my friend's bed and nothing happening... I was honest with him about another friend expressing interest in me... Just a few weeks ago, after we had decided to "just be friends," and I was backing off of him, he suddenly started texting me like crazy, pictures of his son. And I responded with short responses because I had a friend over and also because I knew I had to keep a safe distance. Then he asked if I was mad at him, and I answered no, that I had a friend over... He immediately inquired as to whom, asked me if we were dating, when I told him it was none of his business because he didn't want me, he said, "I never said that, I still love you" and kept texting me and showing interest! And now, a few weeks later, he acts like I am nothing to him? Why was he so controlling, and trying to keep me from being happy with someone else, if he wasn't going to be with me? I really thought he loved me last year. Are they just that good at pretending? I know maybe I don't deserve this, but I feel like I should have seen it coming, after the way he talked to me. I think all I've ever been to him is just a girl who happened to be there to get him through hard times. Why? Because he is not a nice person. Because he wants to make sure that his play toys stay available to him when he desires them. I am sorry he is such an ass but I hope you will one day see it as a close call and a "damn I was lucky!" than an assessment of your self worth. His value of you does not define you. Just because he is a jerk doesn't mean that you are less than because of it. I agree therapy would be helpful after the loss of your boyfriend so you can grieve your losses and heal. But move past him, you were the lucky one.
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