xxSRMxx Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Its almost like i enjoy the pain, like i enjoy revelling in my own self pity. In 7 weeks I have not gone longer than a week without contacting my ex. weve slept together a few times but its been around two weeks since i last saw him and we had an argument last weekend. Its like i KNOW that NC is the right thing to do, and i listen, and i even take things in, but i dont f*ckin act on it!!! its like come on girl, excercise some flipping self control!!!!!! I feel like screaming at myself!! Ive noticed something weird too, whenever i have ever initiated contact (when ive been sober) ive noticed it has been the second i wake up? its like the second i wake up i get that feeling of sadnes and will send a silly text (i did it tonight after a nap) its like i do it when i dont have the physical and mental awareness to talk myself out of it? like wtf am i self destructing for? I havent gone to therapy for a week, I need to go. Can feel my head going out of control again. The suns shining (rare for england lol) and i couldnt give a hoot, I want to be out with him next weekend on the queens jubilee, hes got so many great plans (i snooped on his fb) and im stuck indoors finishing the last bits of my college work and working my job. Life actually sucks.
ash11ae Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I unfortunately know all too well how you feel. My ex and I broke up about 10 months ago but stayed "friends." Earlier this year we started exploring the idea of a relationship again; little did I know he was dating someone else. He's lied to me so much and hurt me and I know I need to let him go. But it is hard when you love someone. It is for the best though. You are just allowing him to keep hurting you. I can honestly say that if I had cut ties with my ex months ago, when I first thought I should, I would have been saved a world of pain. I'm really angry at myself. And meanwhile I have to think about him having sex with this other girl and going out on dates, and he acts like I'm this horrible buzzkill or something because every time we talk we argue; but it's because she gets all the good parts and I get all the bad parts! Like hello, maybe if we could actually be together and you weren't treating me like **** and lying to me we could actually have a lot of fun together, did you ever think of that? Just try to be strong. You will find someone better, who loves you. And don't snoop on his Facebook. I'm guilty of that too; but all it does is drive you crazy, especially if your ex is like mine and posts things for you to see, hoping to keep you hanging on...
Author xxSRMxx Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Oh his fb is full of him having this fab time, getting excited about next weekend, generally being the funny outgoing guy i fell in love with...meanwhile hes left me behind in a crumbling mess. How could he? I know im putting myself through it aswell, so it makes it worse, I just cant believe somebody could hurt me this bad and just sail through life like everything is okay. I dont want to be on my own, i spent 4 years as a single girl and i loved it, I was happy, but then i met him and i thought id made it and was finished with all the idiots and heartache, then he just left me, and sometimes i really struggle with it. I wish he could feel my pain, just to understand, I hate when he says he understands how hurt I am, if he did, he wouldnt do it. I keep thinking about his next girlfriend, how i will deal with that, constantly will compare myself, I actually feel like i need to get someone before he does. and thats no way to think.
marsha80 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I recommend that you choose a VERY CLOSE & TRUSTED friend and make an agreement to text them instead of your ex whenever you feel like texting your ex. Hell, go ahead and even change your friend's name into your ex's name until you're out of it. However, as hard as it is to do, the absolute best thing is to keep NC. Think of it like an addiction. Take it one day at a time, and though it feels impossible, you really have to fill your life with things that bring back color into it. The more you contact your ex, the easier you're making it for them to get over you. Or, as I like to do -- imagine a crown on your head and you're a strong queen, and rule your actions like one. Have the mentality of "how dare you think you can influence me in such-and-such way(s)." *shrug* it just helps me... this is just my $.02
Author xxSRMxx Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I have stupid thoughts that if i just completely keep NC he will just forget all about me. but then in my next breath i think but the more you contact him and we argue he just believes it was the right thing to do in leaving me (he has actually said this) but then im like well he will just forget about me if i dont ever get in touch and its like i want to constantly remind him of the pain hes put me through. Then theres the sad realisation that if i dont ever contact him again, i will have to live with the fact he also isnt contacting me and has happily moved on without me. I feel like im stuck in a vicious mindset and its all my own doing. We had so many plans this summer, why couldnt i have just been happy, ive had so many dark moments in my life, im not a bad person, whatd i do to deserve these dark days?? sorry for the self pity im in tears and just venting and typing aloada gibberish. probably not making much sense.
Author xxSRMxx Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Wish i could replace it believe me Thanks for your kind words.
kindest Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) Just try to be strong. You will find someone better, who loves you. And don't snoop on his Facebook. I'm guilty of that too; but all it does is drive you crazy, especially if your ex is like mine and posts things for you to see, hoping to keep you hanging on... My ex does this too, and I know he does it on purpose; he implies that he's still thinking about me one second, then he would intentionally post things he knows I could see and would hurt me. It's bad enough that he left me, now it seems he wants to feel me yearning for him. He's a total egomaniac, and I for one, have decided not to feed his ego anymore. I hid him from my Facebook news feed. I'm not deleting him (for now), I don't think I can (yet, if I ever decide to do it). At first, I adhered to the NC rule, and I was successful for a couple of months. The NC ended when he reached out to me out of the blue and I couldn't resist responding to him. 98% of the time, my ex is the one who initiates contact with me. I know he doesn't want to be with me, though. Yeah it's his gigantic ego talking. I think the best thing to do is to avoid going to places where you might bump into him or websites where he can catch you online. And remember the feeling you get after reaching out to your ex in that moment of weakness, it might make you feel a little better temporarily... but when that feeling subsides, you know you will feel as if you've dug your hole even deeper. Don't do it. Edited May 23, 2012 by kindest
Author xxSRMxx Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Yeah its pretty much messed up the day, the weather is glorious and im sat in my room, curtains draw. havent gone to college. Dont want a repeat of today sooo i def just need to soldier on through. When im distracted im okay! Its not like i text him and call him if im at work college or with friends, its when im alone etc. So i guess the best thing for me to do is only wallow in this bedroom when i am ready to go to bed, and to just keep myself distracted, sick of stroking his ego. Hate him. Cant wait to be better.
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