JessLady12 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I met a friend online. Three years ago. We've talked basically everyday since. Online mostly until last year, then we started texting, then talking. We share lots of common interests. We do live 5 hours apart and have never met. We always encouraged each other in dating until last October. I dated a man I truly liked and my friend freaked out a bit. I had always told him if he ever wanted to give a date a try, to tell me. So, he did. He said he couldn't imagine me not being a part of his daily life and that he cared deeply for me. I threw out all the possible glitches and said what about distance, etc etc? He said none of it matters, I just want you and the obstacles don't matter. We spent hours discussing all the possible downsides. Ok. So, I'm thinking I am in heaven...finally he feels the way I do. From October until February it was romance and sweetness and feisty talk. So, we agreed to meet in February and he flakes on me. Blows me off and acts like we had a misunderstanding. I of course, don't accept that and start backing wayyy off. This also leads to insecurity which bugs me. I confront him and he says, I just need to get some things in my life together so I can hold your hand. He said, I have a lot of stress and anxiety that I deal with. So, I accept that and go forward. He has always had some anxiety issues. He mentions about 5 more things that we "may" go to and visit over the next few months. But, they never happen. So, I quit asking and point blank tell him.. I think maybe you have lost interest and that perhaps you are trying to get me to just be a friend again. Perhaps we should date others (he more or less asked for us to be exclusive.. we both have... that I know of). He totally freaks out on me and says he had no idea I had that kind of doubt. I told him that um yeah... i had zero insecurity until you started blowing me off which he denied up until this point that he had in fact blown me off. So, I said well, if that's not your purpose, then OK. Things have just been on and on like that. We had a meeting scheduled for August and I had actually bought tickets and such, but my schedule will not allow that visit. I guess my question is, what is going on? He is just very wishy washy I think. When I am flat out about it, he just says, all those nights when he gets super emotional, he still feels that way, he just doesn't say it everyday. I shall provide other pertinent facts... He was always super insecure about being little and dorky.. and for sure.. he is in his own way... But, to me, he is just as handsome as he can be. I like dorky. Now, he talks about having "options" but that women are too much work to retrieve those options. But, in two years, he went out on like two dates with the same lady. She didn't call back. He texts or calls several times daily. Although he has many rules...Nothing emotional etc.. after 10pm. Do not send more than one text at a time.. I happened to spill over into two a few times.. lol.. He only wants to discuss subjects that we share in common because I am a science dork and a writer.. So, he says I'm far more intelligent and he can't comprehend what I'm talking about. He does however, like to talk about things that pertain to him. Rarely asks questions about my life or interests. Says, "He doesn't role that way." Although he used to be very curious. Said he was getting to know me then and now that we've talked for hours, he just wants to be with me, not ask a bunch of questions. He has been under a ton of pressure and the romance, feisty talk, etc, have disappeared for the most part. We still have talked everyday though. He is very intelligent.. Just a bit of an arse. He also says things that are kind of rude.. I'm not thin, nor am i fat. I have those child bearing hips and I am curvy. I'm not perfect, though. I do have two kids and I do have a bit of a belly, which is not even visible in clothing. I do exercise and diet daily. I'm very health and weight aware and never leave my house without looking great. I get hit on a lot. But, we had a discussion about weight and women and he said most men think big women are lazy, unheathly, and unattractive. I said, well, what about you? I'm no skinny lady here. He has always talked about women and weight and how they should strive to be better, to try. He replied with, shock first of all that I would be brave enough to ask, then said, I'm different, I like women with some meat on their bones and you are beautiful. But, I would like to see some more pics since you've lost more, especially because you were beautiful before and fine. I said, you know, I have a bit of belly from having kids that I can't get rid of. He replied, yeah.. I'm no fan of bellies. I said wow... how awkward... he said if you don't want awkward answers, don't ask me awkward questions. He later injected awkwardly, big women also are much more willing to try to please than the skinny ones. I just said.. is that so. He never plans anything. His life is kind of like a sitcom from a twenty somethings point of view. Is fond of some ganja, loves sane porn, and doesn't deny he's Bi, at least orally. I can handle the porn. Oddly enough, when I never made a big deal out of it, he pretty much let it go. Every now and again he watches some.. I talk to him at all hours daily.. So, I can't imagine him having someone else... He pretty much charts his every move mostly. I never ask, he just relays. He gets a little antsy if I go somewhere and don't tell him, though. I'm just so tired of the wondering. I wonder if I'll be enough.. physically, whatever... He just changes from romantic one day to totally almost indifferent or cold the next. When asked about it, he says, you just don't get it do you? Just live for today and roll with it. To be honest, I have given him so many times he could take a clean out and still be friends... he never even reacts to it except to say, I cannot be without you, I need you in my life. I am not settling, and I care deeply about you. Which leaves me to wonder, then why not show it? Why not tell me sweet things the way you used to? He used to love to talk about physics and things.. now he cuts me off and says .. hey I don't get it... and talks about something else. He doesn't laugh at my jokes much anymore.. In the end, it makes me feel less than in almost everyway. He feels far superior to most of the human race when speaking... but I know inside he's not like that. But, I'm tired of feeling ugly and stupid and angry at myself for letting him make me feel that way. He says he has never found a woman like me, but yet why do I feel like he is still looking around and stringing me along? But, he would drop dead if I dated someone. He says sex for me and sex for him are different. Mine would involve emotion and he can keep them apart. But, that he doesn't want to do that because he knows it would hurt me. But, that if it didn't, it wouldn't bother him to find a new FWB because I have his heart and his body when we would be together. He's has had several. I think the main obstacle to that, is I always say, if you get a FWB, so do I, period. You want that? He gets a bit freaky. Any and all advice would be welcomed.
d'Arthez Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 In the end, it makes me feel less than in almost everyway. He feels far superior to most of the human race when speaking... but I know inside he's not like that. But, I'm tired of feeling ugly and stupid and angry at myself for letting him make me feel that way. He says he has never found a woman like me, but yet why do I feel like he is still looking around and stringing me along? But, he would drop dead if I dated someone. He says sex for me and sex for him are different. Mine would involve emotion and he can keep them apart. But, that he doesn't want to do that because he knows it would hurt me. But, that if it didn't, it wouldn't bother him to find a new FWB because I have his heart and his body when we would be together. He's has had several. I think the main obstacle to that, is I always say, if you get a FWB, so do I, period. You want that? He gets a bit freaky. Get out of this relationship. He is a passive aggressive user. Honestly, on matter how you define your relationship, friends or lovers should make you feel better. He does not. He maintains lower standards for himself than you, and his attitude is quite condescending. And I won't even bother with analysing his flaky behaviour. That would simply be a long list of red flags, which you have (mostly) already identified. You can do better. 1
Author JessLady12 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I have truly, truly thought just this thought! If we argue etc, he "pouts." He may ignore me.. or be mean... For example, once I said wow, you're being quiet.. he said ... you're not. I told him he was being an arse.. He said, I was only joking. What do you mean his standards are lower than mine? I admit, I live a lot like the Little House on the Prairie. Old school. lol.
sid3 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I only read half. I can't imagine why you are wasting your time.
d'Arthez Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 What do you mean his standards are lower than mine? It is perfectly permissible in his mind to do whatever he wants, but when it is about you, you have to walk a very fine line. That is not fair. And from the sounds of it, he has learned quite a few emotionally manipulative behaviours. The flaking out on you may well be part of that. Really, the sane thing is to get out of this relationship and forget about this guy.
Author JessLady12 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Yes, you are right. I had not thought of that before. What is the correct way to end this? I cannot make him see logical thought patterns or even partially "get" them. Although, I now wonder if he is just sitting back laughing at how dumb I have been. Even when I was just trying to give him the benefit of a doubt. Should I email? Talk? What do you think?
d'Arthez Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 You can try talking. Don't expect logic to prevail though. Perhaps better to use email (cowardly in general as it is), since then you can give him clear and concise examples, without having to deal with all the emotional blackmail.
Author JessLady12 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Nope, he's not an inmate. He is in the public eye in sports. Many photos.
YellowShark Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Run. Run for your life. So many red flags here you must not go down this path. It will ruin you. From October until February it was romance and sweetness and feisty talk. So, we agreed to meet in February and he flakes on me. Blows me off and acts like we had a misunderstanding. He does not keep promises. I just need to get some things in my life together so I can hold your hand. He said, I have a lot of stress and anxiety that I deal with. So, I accept that and go forward. He has always had some anxiety issues. He has some sort of mental disorder. He mentions about 5 more things that we "may" go to and visit over the next few months. But, they never happen. He lies. He is just very wishy washy I think. When I am flat out about it, he just says, all those nights when he gets super emotional... He is hot and cold and a drama queen. Now, he talks about having "options" but that women are too much work to retrieve those options. But, in two years, he went out on like two dates with the same lady. She didn't call back. She was SMART and ran away! He texts or calls several times daily. Although he has many rules...Nothing emotional etc.. after 10pm. Do not send more than one text at a time.. I happened to spill over into two a few times.. lol.. He DEFINITELY has a mental disorder.. and OCD. He also says things that are kind of rude.. He is rude. And you recognize it. He never plans anything. He is lazy an has no goals. Is fond of some ganja, He self-medicates with pot. loves sane porn, and doesn't deny he's Bi, at least orally. He admits he likes to give men blow jobs and receive them. He gets a little antsy if I go somewhere and don't tell him, though. He is controlling. He just changes from romantic one day to totally almost indifferent or cold the next. He sounds like he is Bi-Polar. When asked about it, he says, you just don't get it do you? Just live for today and roll with it. To be honest, I have given him so many times he could take a clean out and still be friends... he never even reacts to it except to say, I cannot be without you, I need you in my life. I am not settling, and I care deeply about you. Which leaves me to wonder, then why not show it? Why not tell me sweet things the way you used to? He used to love to talk about physics and things.. now he cuts me off and says .. hey I don't get it... and talks about something else. He doesn't laugh at my jokes much anymore.. In the end, it makes me feel less than in almost everyway. He feels far superior to most of the human race when speaking... but I know inside he's not like that. But, I'm tired of feeling ugly and stupid and angry at myself for letting him make me feel that way. He says he has never found a woman like me, but yet why do I feel like he is still looking around and stringing me along? But, he would drop dead if I dated someone. He says sex for me and sex for him are different. Mine would involve emotion and he can keep them apart. But, that he doesn't want to do that because he knows it would hurt me. Go here, read this message board. It will open your eyes. BPDFamily.com - Boards ...it wouldn't bother him to find a new FWB because I have his heart and his body when we would be together. He's has had several. I think the main obstacle to that, is I always say, if you get a FWB, so do I, period. You want that? He gets a bit freaky. He looks at all relationships as "open." and he cheats. Look at that sad laundry list JessLady12. Is this the role model for your kids? Is this really your "Prince Charming?" Seriously? Dump him and dump him fast before he poisons your life. I promise you it is the right thing to do. Edited May 22, 2012 by YellowShark 1
Author JessLady12 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Again.. sound advice.. BPD has crossed my mind as have a few others. I have never agreed to let him visit me and actually have made sure he has no real indicators of how to find me really. The plan was always that I would visit him first. I suppose really, I wanted to believe him. I am very loyal and caring, but I want to give it to someone that deserves it. I now keep thinking of more and more instances where I can see what you guys are pointing out. I just mailed $40 of homemade goodies to him. He just said thanks and my roomies think you are a bit crazy for mailing this stuff. Wow. I think in reality, I just needed to hear from others that indeed, this man has some issues that are serious. I want a committed relationship, not a suffocating prison, and I am in no way wanting to give this time to eat me alive. I will also drop dead before he gets anywhere close to my kids.. Grrr....Although they are older, I am a bit Mama Bear over them. Thank you very much for all the time everyone took to read that novel.
YellowShark Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Again.. sound advice.. BPD has crossed my mind as have a few others. I swear to you read up on Borderline Personality disorder. Which is different than Bi-Polar. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Symptoms, Treatments ...this man has some issues that are serious. He does. Don't waste your time, it is a dead end for sure. I want a committed relationship, not a suffocating prison, and I am in no way wanting to give this time to eat me alive. He will suck you dry emotionally. Every minute will be a rollercoaster. And you will be poisoned. I will also drop dead before he gets anywhere close to my kids.. Grrr....Although they are older, I am a bit Mama Bear over them. Then don't invest any more time. Switch paths. This one leads no where. And when you tell him you're really done - (and you must cut all contact) - he will a) freak out, and b) paint you black. You will become the worst woman on Earth in his eyes. Prepare for it. It is like taking a toy away from a 5-year-old. He will not take it well. Be strong. You are sooo dodging a bullet here.
Author JessLady12 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Not to be crass... what does anyone suggest this email or dialogue be like? If I had to choose, if would be.. Dear ... I'm done. No hard feelings. Signed me. I'm just not good at these type things. LOL.. Also, I am afraid to pose too much. He will protest on each and every point. I just don't want to go there.
YellowShark Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Not to be crass... what does anyone suggest this email or dialogue be like? If I had to choose, if would be.. Dear ... I'm done. No hard feelings. Signed me. I'm just not good at these type things. LOL.. Also, I am afraid to pose too much. He will protest on each and every point. I just don't want to go there. Ya. Dear X. I realize that this may be hard for you but I have decided to move on. I just cant see a relationship developing between us. Therefore I have chosen to take some time for myself and not date anyone. I wish you all the best. I am afraid this will be our last contact. Sincerely JessLady12 ...Then sadly because he has your email and phone number prepare for an explosion. You may have to change your number and emails if he persists. This is a unhealthy man. Not your fault. Not his. He just is. But he will only bring you pain and heart ache. Educate yourself about Borderline Personality Disorder BEFORE you write the goodbye letter. He really seems to fit the profile. Go find a healthy guy that lives less than an hour away. ETA: And when you cut all contact CUT ALL CONTACT JessLady12. He will try 100 different ways to lure you back in. Do not answer or debate him no matter what he says. Just hit delete on your computer and phone. Period. Or you will just be sucked back into "the vortex." You must go No Contact on him. Edited May 22, 2012 by YellowShark
sid3 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Ya. Dear X. I realize that this may be hard for you but I have decided to move on. I just cant see a relationship developing between us. Therefore I have chosen to take some time for myself and not date anyone. I wish you all the best. I am afraid this will be our last contact. Sincerely JessLady12 ...Then sadly because he has your email and phone number prepare for an explosion. You may have to change your number and emails if he persists. This is a unhealthy man. Not your fault. Not his. He just is. But he will only bring you pain and heart ache. Educate yourself about Borderline Personality Disorder BEFORE you write the goodbye letter. He really seems to fit the profile. Go find a healthy guy that lives less than an hour away. ETA: And when you cut all contact CUT ALL CONTACT JessLady12. He will try 100 different ways to lure you back in. Do not answer or debate him no matter what he says. Just hit delete on your computer and phone. Period. Or you will just be sucked back into "the vortex." You must go No Contact on him. Yep, that's exactly what I'd suggest. And you can bank on him trying to suck you back in.
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