amythan Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hi there, My ex-bf and I broke up more than one year ago and he is the only person who makes me feel safe. After the break up I went into a bunch of stupid arrangements with players and unavailable men, probably because I was not ready to have a real relationship yet. Then I met this guy who looks great. He is completely different, just kind, nice and smart. We are dating and we slept together. He contacts me consistently and he mentions future plans with me, so I do not think he is going to disappear. He is affectionate, caring and even is sex is amazing never shows that this his main interest here. We go out for dinner, lunch, we stroll around, we talk, we go out for drinks, we go out with friends ... And I am freaking out. I do not want to screw this up but I am not sure I can do this either. Probably because I do not want to be used and hurt in case we get closer. Also he mentioned he is moving back to his country and the end of the year so I am not sure if he just see me as someone to spend a good time with during the following months. Also he seems to want to be with someone and sometimes I wonder if he wants to be with me or just with someone in general. I cannot address this issue without appearing as insecure or clingy or a bit childish so .. I do nothing and i try to stay a bit distant. Not on purpose but I do not want to be burnt. He looks good but not long time ago someone looked crazy about me and one day he told me: i am not in love with you, you were just convenient. So I learned sometimes words (and even acts) mean nothing and I cannot afford feeling so stupid and hurt again. What should I do ? Leave ? Go with the flow ? Speak up ? Thanks for your comments.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I have responded to several of your posts. I don't think you have ever acknowledged my posts or answered a question I have asked you more than once, but I will try again with that: Why do you repeatedly sleep with a guy when the parameters of your relationship are not defined, and then torture yourself about the parameters of your relationship? I'm not against casual sex or FWB or whatever, but that stuff does not work for everybody. It clearly does not work for you, if your posts here are genuine. Everything is peachy and nice … and you are considering leaving? Why do you keep repeating the same scenario? Wouldn't it be better for you if you did not have sex until you knew and were good with the status of your relationship with a guy? Or, if you had a casual sexual relationship that did not include anything remotely like dating?
Author amythan Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I am sorry if i gave the impression I do not appreciate your comments because I really do. Actually your posts made me think about the pattern you mention here and realize that probably something should change. After so much time with my ex-bf I was not ready to have a relationship and I probably thought that sleeping around was a way to just have fun and get over it. This guy is different, I like him and he makes me feel well but I am scared that something turns wrong. The problem is not sleeping with him, is getting close. It is investing time and feelings in someone who *maybe* does not see me the same way. If this is the case I need to keep the distance. But if he is really interested in me I would love to try this time.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 But … you know he is planning on moving to another country fairly soon. So would this not be a bad emotional investment? Or would you possibly follow him where he moves?
Author amythan Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 He told me that maybe early next year (not sure yet) and this is why i am so doubtful. I do not feel we will have enough time to develop a real relationship before then. I am nor against moving but not on a whim. I have no reason to think he is playing me though. We had the greatest sunday ever just having lunch and walking around. He makes me feel happy and I realize I can get attached to him very quickly so you are right, this could be a bad emotional investment. I guess we should talk about our expectations one of these days. I used to be the cool one and go with the flow but it never worked out well
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 You should definitely talk about it. What have you got to lose, really?
daphne Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Tricky situation. You're not really over the hurt your ex caused you, even if you're probably over him. What you're experiencing is natural. But you need to be logical about it. This guy is not your ex. There are no guarantees that things will work out, with him or any other random guy. If you two have a strong connection and the timing is right for both of you, you have the same values and want the same things, you have a much stronger possibility of things working out. There's no way to know whether he's going or staying, but I would enjoy hwat you have for now and know that it's a high possibility he'll be going home. If you think that you can keep yourself safe by being too distant, that will sabotage things. Perhaps you will speed up the demise of the relationship, and then you don't hae to worryh too much about getting too invested. But the regret of not knowing what could have happened if you'd given it your best shot is longer lasting than the affects of heart break, I'm afraid. Just ask a couple of my exes who are in your same shoes. I would say that it's not the time to entertain the notion that you guys may be together forever since you dont' know if he's staying. But I would put my best foot forward and enjoy the moment and go with the flow.
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