un1ver5e Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hi there, This is my first thread on these forums after signing up. I've been a passive reader. I'm a widower in my mid 30s with two young children aged 5 and 2. My wife passed away about a year ago from cancer. She was pregnant with my second kid when she was diagnosed, delivered him and continued treatment, got better, cancer came back and nothing could save her. Its the type of story u see in the movies. Anyway, my query now is not based on my wife, well sort of. I was sad and depressed for about a year but i decided to move on for the sake of my children and myself this year. I joined a dating site in search for a mom for my kids, but it turned out much much better! I found my current partner and i'm deeply in love with her. In the 5 months we have dated, i can already see the future together. She seems so perfect for me, and she's making a point to get connected with my kids too. It seems like she's heaven sent to rescue me. However, i understand that how perfect thing seem to be now, that i shouldn't rush into a lifelong commitment yet. I feel there are many issues that have yet to pop up in this relatively young relationship. On the contrary, i feel that i need a mom for my children and a partner too and its sooner better then later. We seldom quarrel (probably still a young relationship), but one thing i often bring up is the amount of time we are spending together. I like to add that after what i've gone thru with my wife and cancer, i began to realize that the only quality time together is quantity time. My partner believes otherwise, she has a demanding job, traditional family upbringing and friends to contend with the amount of time she can spend with me and the kids in a week. The reason why i would like to spend more time together is because i feel an urgency to "speed" things up so that we can progress to a marriage as soon as possible. The only thing that irks me about her, is that she is very calculative with the time she spends with me. For example, she can only afford a saturday together. And if she leaves home an hour earlier she has to be back an hour earlier. If she meets on a sunday then she cannot meet on saturday. And if she we meet after work on monday then we cannot do so the rest of the week. She has her reasons for doing so, she needs to spend time with her family too, and on weekdays its the job that takes the time. I'm wondering with such constraints, how fast such a relationship can progress. She often tells me that once she's married then there will be more time together. She comes from a traditional family, and there is no such thing as cohabitation now. I'm also insecure as i'm unsure if such a trend will persists after marriage too, and if she will be able to spend time with me and the kids and most importantly be the wife and mother that will be there. Therefore i would like to ask for any advice for how i should go about my situation. Thank you.
CarrieT Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Therefore i would like to ask for any advice for how i should go about my situation. Thank you. Why the rush? Get to know her AT LEAST a year before considering re-marrying... You are seeing some early red flags but because you are still in the early, honeymoon stage of a relationship, I believe your eyes are cloudy with the romance. Wait until you settle into the comfortable stage of your relationship before even considering marriage to learn what other foibles she (and you!) might present to each other.
wow04 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Why the rush? Your kids have been through a lot. Give them time to get over everything. Get to know this woman. Take it slow. Make sure it is right, before you get married. This may sound harsh, but you will never find a replacement for their mother.
snug.bunny Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hi there, This is my first thread on these forums after signing up. I've been a passive reader. I'm a widower in my mid 30s with two young children aged 5 and 2. My wife passed away about a year ago from cancer. She was pregnant with my second kid when she was diagnosed, delivered him and continued treatment, got better, cancer came back and nothing could save her. Its the type of story u see in the movies. Anyway, my query now is not based on my wife, well sort of. I was sad and depressed for about a year but i decided to move on for the sake of my children and myself this year. I joined a dating site in search for a mom for my kids, but it turned out much much better! I found my current partner and i'm deeply in love with her. In the 5 months we have dated, i can already see the future together. She seems so perfect for me, and she's making a point to get connected with my kids too. It seems like she's heaven sent to rescue me. However, i understand that how perfect thing seem to be now, that i shouldn't rush into a lifelong commitment yet. I feel there are many issues that have yet to pop up in this relatively young relationship. On the contrary, i feel that i need a mom for my children and a partner too and its sooner better then later. We seldom quarrel (probably still a young relationship), but one thing i often bring up is the amount of time we are spending together. I like to add that after what i've gone thru with my wife and cancer, i began to realize that the only quality time together is quantity time. My partner believes otherwise, she has a demanding job, traditional family upbringing and friends to contend with the amount of time she can spend with me and the kids in a week. The reason why i would like to spend more time together is because i feel an urgency to "speed" things up so that we can progress to a marriage as soon as possible. The only thing that irks me about her, is that she is very calculative with the time she spends with me. For example, she can only afford a saturday together. And if she leaves home an hour earlier she has to be back an hour earlier. If she meets on a sunday then she cannot meet on saturday. And if she we meet after work on monday then we cannot do so the rest of the week. She has her reasons for doing so, she needs to spend time with her family too, and on weekdays its the job that takes the time. I'm wondering with such constraints, how fast such a relationship can progress. She often tells me that once she's married then there will be more time together. She comes from a traditional family, and there is no such thing as cohabitation now. I'm also insecure as i'm unsure if such a trend will persists after marriage too, and if she will be able to spend time with me and the kids and most importantly be the wife and mother that will be there. Therefore i would like to ask for any advice for how i should go about my situation. Thank you. Sorry you lost your wife to cancer. I don't really have any advice, but with regard to this: The reason why i would like to spend more time together is because i feel an urgency to "speed" things up so that we can progress to a marriage as soon as possible. Spending time together often is good, so it can progress into relationship territory and also because you enjoy spending time with the person and want to be around him/her, get to know him/her better, have shared experiences together, grow more intimate, etc.. I think when two people get married, the rules change, and other obligations come into play. But by then, it's become an ongoing partnership and things need to be balanced out (IE. the Marriage, Careers, Children, Housing, Finances, Etc.). But, you need to go from A to B to C. Not A to C. See?
TigerCub Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Sorry about your wife's passing. It seems to me that you really want to marry this woman so that she can take over the mommy duties. Don't marry someone for the wrong reasons. I agree with those that said take the time to get to know her better before you marry her. 5 months really isn't much to really know anyone. Also, if she has such a hectic schedule do you really imagine that she will drop all of that to raise your kids? Not trying to sound rude, but really - do you expect her to drop her life to fill in for what you're missing? I understand that you feel your kids need a mother and you need companionship, but don't rush into filling the "position" just because you feel it needs to be filled in now. Also, have you talked to her about all this? Do you know if she's ready to take on such a huge role?
Author un1ver5e Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you to all who have replied to my thread. I like to clarify somethings. Presently i'm very fortunate to have a helper and my parents that look after my children when i'm at work. I don't think i expect my partner to drop everything and come be the mother to my kids immediately even if we do get married. Even if she is keen, it takes time to form a kids adult bond anyway. As i mentioned before, my initial expectation was to get a good mother for my children, but i think its turned into more about companionship for me. I know people and friends have been giving me similar advice on getting to know her at least a year before making any long term decisions. I like a ask if meeting just several hours a week is sufficient to know a person in a year compared to meeting more often in a week. Take an analogy of marriage as a house we are building by spending time together. If we build this house 12 hrs a week we will surely take longer than someone who spends everyday building this house? My personal feelings is that i'm very frustrated by being treated so EFFICIENTLY by her, she says and does the nicest things, but she can only spend so much time with you. No, i'm not asking her to drop everything and be here daily with me, i'm expecting something more than a day in a week though. Am i being unreasonable? I use another analogy of owning a sports car but i'm unable to drive it as often as i like to get about. I'm starting to think about looking another less perfect car but at least i can get more mileage. I hope nobody thinks that this is anything sexual, its more companionship, i guess i've been v needy for someone to be there for me, and i've not even taken my children into consideration yet. I've spoken to her constantly on this issue, the standard reply would be once we get married we can be together more often. But i'm so scared and insecure because i don't feel i'm ready or might never be ready, if i'm so constrained by the amount of time together. It's like the only "try out" for this relationship is marriage and nothing less. Please give me some strong advice, tell me i'm unappreciative of such a wonderful woman and i'm just self centered and unreasonable Thanks
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