tiktaq Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 I met my current girlfriend about 4 years ago, when we had a relationship that lasted about 2 months. Now, years on we have started fresh. It seemed right at first as we both knew eachother so well. We have been together for about 10 months now, but lately things have started to change. She does not want sex at all with me, and says it is down to her not being happy with her appearance though I think it may be something more. I know Sex isnt everything, but it means something to me though she thinks I am just in the relationship for sex now and that has added to her no-sex campaign. I feel like I am unwanted and maybe I should leave now. I have tried talking to her, but all I get is that I should respect her enough not to make this conversation. Can anyone help me? I just dont understand what I can do.
StartingAgain Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Anything and everything that the perceive as not being perfect in their lives kills their libido. Some don't like sex in the first place (shame, guilt, etc.). Sometimes these women fake it to get a man, but usually they don't begin having "problems" until after the wedding. Some women use sex as a way of manipulating and controlling men, and withhold it as a form of punishment. Of course sex means something to you. You are a young, healthy, NORMAL man. When women say stupid things like "your just in this for the sex," they must have forgotten that there are lots of women out there we can have sex with. Most women enjoy sex too. OK, so there may be something going on in her life that's hammering her desire. A mature woman who cares for you will discuss this with you and do what it takes to remedy the situation. That she's trying to make you feel bad about yourself for your normal libido and refuses to talk to you about what a problem that will be the death nail to your relationship is a bad sign. She isn't emotionally on board with you. Tell her that the two of you must resolve this issue or you will have no choice but end the relationship. Make it clear that you have no intention of remaining in a sexless relationsip with a woman who will not communicate openly and honestly with you.
kirkyswife Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 She isn't emotionally on board with you. I absolutely agree with this statement. Something is going on and she's lost passion or man there is a million and one different scenarios but ultimately you aren't on the same physical page but the fact that she won't address it leaves me to believe that there's more to this picture than the paint. I do not however suggest Tell her that the two of you must resolve this issue or you will have no choice but end the relationship. Make it clear that you have no intention of remaining in a sexless relationship with a woman who will not communicate openly and honestly with you. following this advice. I would approach it with some tact (is this coming from Kirkyswife - yes) : Let her know what attracted you to her and what has caused you to invest 10 months into your relationship - 2 clear statements about her values or goals should suffice. Tell her what you enjoyed about being with her sexually and that her disconnection makes you feel rejected. But emphasize that what disturbs you the most is that she refuses to communicate her feelings about this and/or engage in an open and honest discussion about issues in your relationship. Let her know that you have to have open communication in your adult relationships and feel that if she can't meet you half way then you need to find someone who is able to respect your wants and needs.
StartingAgain Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Kirkswife, I understand your point of view and it's a good one. You may be familiar with Dr. Joy Brown. She's a popluar radio shrink. Normally, I don't give much credence to popular psychologist. But Joy Brown, like Dr. Phil, shoots from the hip, and I've found her to be right on target. She often tells men and women who are dating that when minor issues arrise in a relationship, you have an excellent opportunity to work on the skills you need to have in order to have a successful relationship. The time before marriage is the time when you have an opportunity to really find out if someonee is going to be a good partner. She points out that we often let our love cloud our judgement and we overlook important warning signs. She specifically addressed problems with sex. She says that if serious issues crop up in the premarital relationsip, it is probably better to end the relationship rather than to attemp to resolve the issue. This is because at so early a stage in the game, serious problems indicate that there are funamental differences between the to partners that are probably goting to get worse after marriage. She specifically addresses sex as one of the major issues that simply must not be overlooked. If there are sexual issues during courtship, these will become very serious after marriage. A couple simply must be on the same page on this, since the sexual relationship is very important to a happy marriage. Dr. Phil pretty much agrees with this.
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