dasani08810 Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 I haven't been initiating contact at all for the couple of weeks or so. But, she keeps contacting me. She wanted "space" and all that crap. You know the drill. :-) For the last couple of days, there has been no contact. Then last night, she IM'ed me on AIM. I was short with one or two word responses. She asked me if I got my new grill, I said no. Then she proceeds to tell me about some new drug they have that keeps people from cheating. I never cheated on her/nor her on me. Her and my ex both cheated on us. After she told me all that about the drug, I just responded; "Yea, or you can bypass the drug and just find someone that has morals." She said "yea, I need to find someone with character". Of course I wanted to reply with "You had that and threw it away" but I just said "yep". Then she said "I'm going to go watch a DVD in my room, I have DVD player in there" and did the smiley thing. I bought her that DVD player (along with all kinds of other things. After she said that, I just said "ok, nite" Anyway, my "issue" is: I've always thought the best course of action is to not announce No Contact; one should just do it. But I wasn't anticipating this much contact from her. I don't really want to hear from her right now. I'm making great progress in getting over her and every day she contacts me, I get backed up. I'm half tempted to just say "LEAVE ME ALONE"; but I want to keep the door open for her to return. It's kinda like a race. I want to get over her or have her back in my life. The first one to the finish line wins! What do I do? I think being around for her just enables her to do this crap. But turning my back insures never getting back together. I'm holding on to hope; but, moving on. The hope dwindles every day and the days we don't have contact; I'm happy. But I also know I'd be happy to give it another go. What do you guys suggest?
StartingAgain Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Why are you having anything at all to do with her? I remember your previous post. Well, she's got her "space." Just like she demanded. It's pretty empty in space. Block her on IM, don't respond to her emails, screen your calls or call block her. There is no "new drug that keeps people form cheating." That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. This woman wants a man she can control 100%. Let her go off on her own and learn to deal with her trust issues or find some other poor schmuck to manipulate. No contact means no contact. You shouldn't want any woman who would even suggest you take some drug because her ex-husband cheated on her. This woman's a psycho. Dump her, get over her and move on.
Author dasani08810 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Posted June 25, 2004 Naw, she wasn't suggesting I take it. But apparantly there is. She sent me the lind to a web page that has some of the biggest names in marriage and family threapists being interviewed on it. Anyway, I know what you're saying. I did just put up a block in IM and she never calls (coward). I'm just on a downside right now about the whole thing. Mostly I'm up on the wave these days. Just when I hear from her, it brings me down. Ya know, we always want to see the people we love stop doing stupid things that destroy their lives. I guess what I'm holding out hope for is that one day the light will come on and she will actually be the woman che claims. I think she has it in her if she can just get past her issues. But you're right and I know it. Just having a bad day. things will be on the up soon I'm sure.
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 dasani, I, for one, used to like your posts and replies. Don't make me change my mind !! I don't really want to hear from her right now. I'm making great progress in getting over her and every day she contacts me, I get backed up. I'm half tempted to just say "LEAVE ME ALONE"; but I want to keep the door open for her to return. It's kinda like a race. I want to get over her or have her back in my life. The first one to the finish line wins! You can never win this race because it doesn't exist !! There is NO race !! A race means two or more elements running in the same direction towards a finish line. But the way you put it: "I want to get over her " AND "I want to have her back in my life" ARE ALWAYS RUNNING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !! THEY WILL KEEP ON CLASHING HEAD TO HEAD EVERYTIME. You can't have both at the same time. They are like black and white, night and day, fire and water... got the picture ? You have to pick one and stick to it no matter what ! You want to get over her ? Block her number, block her emails, block her on IM... block her everywhere ! And stick to your word even if it means leaving the country !! You want her back in your life ? Then you'd better start learning how to play it extremely COOL even when you're boiling with anger and hurt deep in the core of your very heart !! I'll give you a real life example so please read it: about 4 weeks ago, I decided I wanted my ex-gf back in my life. I took a decision: NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. 2 weeks passed and then she contacted me. I answered and played it so cool that it sounded as if she was a new girl I had just met !! She was stunned !! Then I said I had to go and I hung up. Exactly 8 days later (this past tuesday) she called again ! I acted the same way (again so cool that it sounded as if she was a new girl I had just met !!). She was astonished !! Then I said I had to go and I hung up. Today, she called again ! I didn't answer. 3 hours passed and she called again !! I answered and when she asked "anything new in your life"... I knew she meant "anyone new in your life" but I wanted to give her hell (not to lose her but to disarm her and make her understand she can't control me). So I answered "yeah, I bought a new pet". Then she said "I gtg hit the shower, was running and I just came back". So I said "well don't let me keep you waiting ciao and take care". She'll call again. That's how you keep the door open for her to return. By being cool everytime she calls until she asks to see you. Then when you see her, you stay cool until she kisses you. Then when she kisses you, you stay cool until she goes for more... etc... You let her rebuild the relationship and you just act in a passive and cool way. That way she'll understand you are not pressuring her into anything and she is only doing all that BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO. She'll realize she is after you. Not vice-versa.
Author dasani08810 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Posted June 25, 2004 Yea, Yea.....I'm fine and refocused. :-) I guess I just had a brain fart or something. :-) She sent me an email today. I didn't respond. She's dead on AIM, and I'll be setting up my email client to autorespond "Message not downloaded; unread and deleted". She'll get the message that she's dead to me. The memories aren't; those are mine. But she is. The funny thing is, I started to feel a little repulsed by the crap. Her game is being played out and I have her playbook. Only thing is, I'm kicking back in the stands with a hot dog and a beer and she's the only one on the field. She just needs to play her own game. LOL The waves have been greatly reduced in recent days. A few more days and I'll be good as gold. Sometimes I just get stupid. THANKS FOR THE SLAP!!!!!! Mucho appreciado!!!!!!!
BrotherD Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Dreamguy I'm over two months no contact and feeling adamant about staying the course etc. Feeling blue and down. Wake up in the morning replaying all the stupid things that happened in my mind. No fun. My ex is stubborn and won't call on principle and is really into having the last word, so I'm doubting we'll communicate again. Really hurts. I'm envious when other folks here get a call. I don't think I'll get one. It's over. I have to accept that. any words of encouragement here? PS You are an asset to this board. thanks for all you wisdom... Bro D
sid3 Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Hey Bro D, still remember the advice you replied with on my post, thanx. Our situations are alot alike. My ex is stubborn as all hell and won't call outta principle, last word thing is going on as well too. Pretty much allowed the control to be handed over by emailing every now and then. Put the stop to it thanks to the support and advice I've been getting here. Be two weeks on Monday, getting thru her bday tomorrow. Wake up like you with the things running thru the mind. Know what your going thru, hurts like a Mother f*** I was thinking and worrying that I wouldn't be getting a call. As I've recently been reminded, you can't predict the future, I may or may not get a call. If I do I may or may not want it any more. Ya just don't know. But you do know you've done 2 months of N/C, thats something to be proud about, it's not easy. I'd like to be posting that she calls or texts sometime as well, just going to have to see what happens. (notice I didn't say "wait" and see what happens) been doing that long enough.
dreamguy Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 dasani, Mucho welcomado lol. I hope you won't need another slap soon. BrotherD, First of all thanks for the support and the nice words. I'd like to consider myself as a team member who is sharing his every day experience with other people that are hurting. Believe me, I'm learning a lot from others on this forum and I have to thank them in return. As for my reply, Sid took the words out of my mouth. What's more important is that you have no other choice but to believe him because he has a case that's so similiar to yours. Sid ! You're suprising me every day (in a positive way) ! I'm serious ! When I first joined this forum (about 10 days ago) you were in a lamenting and mournful state. You were fighting to get her back. Today, you're still a fighter but you're fighting to get your own happiness back first. This fight's outcome is garantueed, you'll WIN ! I bet you're surprising yourself as to how strong you can be when you put your mind into it ! BrotherD, it's all a mind's game. Reviving the memories, going through the assumptions (does she miss you ? does she think of you ? does she still love you ? will she call ?)... all of it is just a game you're playing with yourself in your own imagination. The fact remains, your imagination may or not may be parallel to what's really happening in her mind and heart. Why would you want to play a game when you have no certitudes whatsoever ? I say stop thinking about what can be and start focusing on what should be... and that, my friend, is the only thing you control... it's YOUR LIFE and no one else will live it for you so wipe the dust off, stand up and get busy !!
StartingAgain Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 I'm not stictly having no contact with my ex, but I don't call her up except to discuss something that needs to be taken care of. then I'm very business-like and to the point. Usually when I do this, I will receive a call from her within two days just wanting to chat. I chat amicably, somewhat detached, avoiding any and all topics that I don't care to discuss. If she baits me, I just giggle and change the subject immediately. The last time she called, she threw out something about what she and her OM had done the previous weekend and how much fun it was. (good old button-pressing; she knows I don't want to here anything about her whormoner and was trying to get a bite.) I responded with "How's your brother doing?" She said "Fine. Didn't hear what I just said?" To which I responded, "Of course I did, I just don't care. Did I tell you that I may have to postpone my trip to California until August?" "Uh, ...no...no, you didn't... Uh, hmmm ... Why? What's going on?" Sweet... She also likes to inquire into whether or not I'm seeing anyone. She did it the last time she called. Now it's time to play it very cool, because what she's fishing for is for me to say "oh no; there's no one for me but you." This opens the door for her to reiterate her rejection of me and let me know how she's moved on and how I need to get over her. She's just looking for an ego stroke. So I just told her "No, I'm not seeing anyone special. Just some dating -- booty calls mostly." She says "Don't tell me your running those pathetic singles bars!" To which I reponded, "Oh no. There's no need for that. These are women I know who call me. When the word got out I was single again, I started receiving calls. Seems they'd been waiting. Go figure. But who am I to complain?" Dead silence...... Women hate it when another woman wants their man, even if she's already thrown him away. How'd she respond? She said "Say, you mentioned awhile back that we shoud get together for dinner. When do you want to do that?" (I had and she'd blown me off.) I told her, "Yes, but that was a month ago. I'm terribly busy just now. How about I give you aa call in a few weeks and we'll see what we can work up?" "uh, ... sure." You see, Desani, women love to play mind games with their exs. They want you to be an emotional wreck because they rejected you. They still want to have power over you. You have to understand this and not play their game. If you do, you are weak. If you don't, you are intriguing and mysterious. You have to take control and let her know that you can and are getting on just fine without her. Do I miss my ex? Oh yes. I'm I going to let her know this? Not no, but hell no! When I was doing this, she treated me with cold contempt and never failed to give that knife in my heart another turn. Now that I'm putting it out there that I no longer care and letting her know that there are other women who've secretely wanted me for a long time coming to my bed, her whole attitude has changed. What's more, I respect myself again. BroD... My ex is a stubborn, last word woman, too. But I've made it to where she cannot have the last word. That's mine. Our relationship is over for anything other than a friendship. At first, this is because she said so. Now, it's because *I* say so. I wouldn't have her back. Yeah, it hurt like hell in the beginning. but as the days past, it hurt less and less, and as the pain subsided, I became stronger. Now, rather telling her what she wants to hear, I tell her only what I want her to know. I've taken her power over me away. I still be down from time to time and, like you, replay all the stupid things that happened. but now I stop myself and remaind myself how absurd it all was and and am thankful that I don't have that BS in my life anymore.
dreamguy Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 StartingAgain, Powerful stuff there ! Thanks for sharing your determination with us. She said "Say, you mentioned awhile back that we shoud get together for dinner. When do you want to do that?" (I had and she'd blown me off.) I told her, "Yes, but that was a month ago. I'm terribly busy just now. How about I give you aa call in a few weeks and we'll see what we can work up?" "uh, ... sure." Impressive ! You declined without shutting the door in her face ! Well done. Keep them guessing (applies to men and women... to human beings in general).
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