Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 There are different types of love....my love with S was unlike anything I've ever experienced, but we weren't meant to be. My love for my wife is not the same, but i do love her and she is a good wife. Sometimes we can't always be with our one and only, and have to do what's right. -the stress of an affair is so hard.....the love to me was worth it, but I enjoy not feeling stressed about someone finding out constantly -sometimes you have to do what is right, not what you want -there is nothing better than true love, even if it is forbidden -distance and no contact seems like the only thing to help me start to heal
Got it Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 There are different types of love....my love with S was unlike anything I've ever experienced, but we weren't meant to be. My love for my wife is not the same, but i do love her and she is a good wife. Sometimes we can't always be with our one and only, and have to do what's right. -the stress of an affair is so hard.....the love to me was worth it, but I enjoy not feeling stressed about someone finding out constantly -sometimes you have to do what is right, not what you want -there is nothing better than true love, even if it is forbidden -distance and no contact seems like the only thing to help me start to heal Stoneman, wonderful post and I agree. For me before the EMR and the S/D it was so much more black and white. Now I see life is so full of grey and there are so many factors at play. While many poo poo the idea of "I love you but not in love with you" but I felt and still feel the same way for my ex husband. He is a good man with many outstanding characteristics, we were just not a good match and grew apart. Moving on from the marriage was really the best thing for both of us and we are in very fullfilling relationships now. I never wished him ill, I want him to be happy and successful in life. And to be loved the way he deserves to be loved.
Radagast Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I'm not sure what you're asking for from this thread, so forgive me if I am off topic in my response. I was saddened to read your comment that "sometimes we can't always be with our one and only, and have to do what's right." All my life I have done what is right rather than what I wanted, and for decades I remained in an unhappy marriage because it was "the right thing to do" not to break up the home for my children and not to abandon the woman I had sworn to rescue from her demons. But sometimes what our minds and our socialisation has told us is "the right thing to do" is not what our hearts or our friends think is the right thing to do, and I learned in counselling that I had legitimate rights to my own happiness as much as anyone else and that being with my one and only was what I needed to do for my own sanity and ultimately for the good of my children too. It was hard for me to follow what I'd been told for so long was a "selfish" path and it was only with the support of everyone around me that I've managed to gain perspective on that. That your resolution worked out the other way must be even harder for you since you get to retain your principles but not your passion. I do hope that your decision becomes easier over time and that you can find with your wife enough of what you had with your true love to make it worthwhile for you. 1
Owl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 There are different types of love....my love with S was unlike anything I've ever experienced, but we weren't meant to be. My love for my wife is not the same, but i do love her and she is a good wife. Sometimes we can't always be with our one and only, and have to do what's right. OK...so here's my question for you, my friend. Does your wife know you feel this way about her, and about S? That S is your "one and only"...and you're settling for a marriage to your wife instead? I'd say...don't settle. If this is how you feel...tell your wife and set the stage to be free if S finds herself free someday. Free your wife to find her "one and only" as well...don't let her that she's just settle for you instead and not even know that's what she's doing. 7
jwi71 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Right there with you Radagast - Im no longer certain what is or isn't off topic. But since you posted along what I wanted to post....guess we'll earn infractions together if we are wrong. Question for you OP. How is not choosing the OW the right thing thing to do FOR YOU. Especially since you loved her. Do you NOT deserve happiness? I guess I want you to address why it's "right" to leave the woman you love. And right for who? And in whose eyes?
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Thank you for these replies. S is married too...so the thought of breaking up her marriage terrified me. Her husband was always in the back of my mind. I compared myself to him...it was so hard. I know S wanted what I did, but we both felt so guilty..I just remember thinking how I told her how id never felt this way and im almost 40! I didnt think that love was real ya know? It scared me. No children are involved though, so that makes it easier...but why is this so hard? I wish it was easier
frozensprouts Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 OP, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm giving you a hard time, but your opening post here is very sad. I know you want to do what's right, and that's a very admirable quality. the thing i wonder is that you say that choosing your marriage is what's right, and i understand that. But i do have a couple of points/questions... (a) you say you love your wife, but in a different way than your other woman. I understand that, but it also sounds like you are staying with your wife more out of a sense of duty than anything else ( maybe I am wrong though). If this is the case, are you sure that staying with your wife is what's right for her and not just you? This is why I think your wife needs to know what happened. That way, she can make the choice of whether or not she wishes to stay in the marriage, She may very well choose to stay and work on things, or she may feel that leaving is what's right for her. But by hiding your affair, you make that choice for her ( to stay with a man who would rather be with someone else, if he had the choice). Do you think that sounds like a marriage she would want to be in? If the roles were reversed, would you? (b) if your other woman had been free to be with you, would you have divorced or would you have chosen to stay married? if your answer is "divorced", please think about what that is telling you about your marriage and why you want to stay with your wife. © do you feel you can find a way to be happy with your wife? if not, do you feel that you may come to resent her and take that resentment out on her in later days? (d) assume that you do stay with your wife, but don't tell her about the affair. What will you tell her should she find out about it on her own? I know you don't want to hurt her, but she may very well be much more hurt by it if she finds out on her own than she would be if you told her yourself. If she finds out on her own, you may very well end up breaking her heart and she'll may well find it very hard to ever trust you again. By being upfront with her, she may be hurt, but at least she'll know you are trying to be honest and she'll know where she stands. I hope you are able to resolve this situation in a way that works out best for both you and your wife, and taht whatever you decide to do, you have a very happy life 1
Lostinlife4now Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I read a saying the other day that Johnny Depp had said. If I may quote it, it really stuck in my head! "If you love 2 people at the same time choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second"! Make sense? I thought so. Hope this helps! 1
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 The other thing I mentioned about S before but didnt get any feedback on was that she is moving to Asia this summer. She told me that in January...I tried to convince her otherwise..but she is going. I decided to just move back to Europe due to this in a sense, but also because i thought how would it ever work..she's married and moving to Asia. I just miss her so much. But i learned a lot from this, and maybe one day we will reunite..
Owl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 No response at all to the idea that neither you nor your wife should "settle" for each other if you're clearly not each other's "one and only"? I don't get it...if you feel so crazily strong about S...why let your wife live a lie thinking (hoping?) that you feel that way about her instead? Why live that lie yourself? 2
yessy21 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 OK...so here's my question for you, my friend. Does your wife know you feel this way about her, and about S? That S is your "one and only"...and you're settling for a marriage to your wife instead? I'd say...don't settle. If this is how you feel...tell your wife and set the stage to be free if S finds herself free someday. Free your wife to find her "one and only" as well...don't let her that she's just settle for you instead and not even know that's what she's doing. I 100% Agree. Please let her free. its not fair to her either. she deserves someone who is going to be head over heels crazy in love with her. Im telling you from a her point of view because i have been there.
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I just don't know what to do...what can I honestly do? I don't want to break up a marriage..I feel so guilty. I felt horrible the whole time. S would say i love you, you love me...my response was I know, but what can i do?? Shes moving to Asia, I moved back to Europe. How would it ever work though, ya know?? I just couldn't figure that out so i decided to run, to avoid it. What can I do, really? It's just too hard. I just want to try to make my marriage work. If S was single, it would be easy......I would leave my wife for her..but I don't want to leave my wife when I cant have S. I need to talk to my wife about this i guess...
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Well, and because my marriage was somewhat arranged, its not easy to just leave. For better or worse, my parents say. Im the eldest son, they expect me to stay married for life...my culture is strict and expectations are high. People do divorce, but its not so easy to do in my country. I'm just very thankful for this support on this board..thank you
Thunderbolt Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Seems super unfair to your wife. I wish you could put yourself in her shoes for a moment. I would never want to be my husband's second choice. It sounds like you don't want to be alone -- you'd rather stay in an average marriage that clearly isn't fulfilling you only because you can't have S. How would you feel if the only reason your wife was with you is because her AP wasn't available and she'd rather be someone (boring and unfulfilling Stoneman) then be alone? You said, "If S was single, it would be easy......I would leave my wife for her..but I don't want to leave my wife when I cant have S." You are using your wife as a crutch and not allowing her to find someone who could truly love and respect her. Sorry to judge you, but you're being extremely selfish. You seem to be dodging all the questions that are being asked of you. If you really want to do the right thing by your marriage, family and life in general -- tell your W about your past and tell her how you continue to feel about S. Sounds like a huge lie/burden to carry around for the rest of your life if you don't decide to do so. If you have an ounce of respect for your wife your will tell her. Do the right thing... 4
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 After reading everything, I will find the time to tell my wife this..I will. I know im being selfish. I realize this. I also know I'm a conflict avoider..story of my life. I have to figure this all out.
East7 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Stone I don't feel very motivated to participate but I will just throw my 2 cents : 1. You have the same mindset that my xMW who was telling me all the time "I can't leave him (her H)." She also thought she was doing the right thing but than she eventually came back on and on. The right thing is something supposed to make you happy, not miserable. 2. You said (correct me if I'm wrong) : "S" doesn't have children or you both don't have children? So what is keeping her with her H ? What is keeping you guys from being together? Who cares what traditions are? This is your life dude! The families will eventually get over. Are you living for the traditions or for yourself?
MissBee Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 After reading everything, I will find the time to tell my wife this..I will. I know im being selfish. I realize this. I also know I'm a conflict avoider..story of my life. I have to figure this all out. At least you're aware, once you are, there is some potential, through effort on your part to change this and improve in this regard.
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 What is keeping me from contacting her is the fact of my guilt about her husband and that they are moving to Asia. She told me its for work and they dont know when they will be back. I found this out in January so knew it was coming. I found my way out by moving too..yet couldn't say goodbye as you know. My wife is not even in the same country with me so when she comes here, I'm going to try to discuss this with her. I say try because this is not easy for me. I'm a private person who doesn't share their feelings easily...this whole situation is very hard and complicated. I can't deal with stress and just try to brush it aside which I know is bad, but its how I've dealt with issues my whole life. I think im going to take some time to think about everything and wait until i see my wife.
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 If it makes any difference no contact has helped me feel a bit happier so this is why im just waiting for my feelings to subside if they do, and work on my marriage. Someone once told me that yoy shouldn't tell about the affair, but then I'm told here to tell so its hard to know what to do. Rekindle love for my wife and try to make it work, or tell her what happened? I know S won't be mine as much as i want. I want to try in mt marriage. Does everyone think thats a bad idea? Should i not try to rekindle the romance?
Owl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I'm not sure if this is the result of a culture difference, or what, but I find it almost incredible that you appear to have HUGE amounts of guilt about S's husband...but I see NOTHING about guilt towards your betrayal of your wife. You feel like you've betrayed him...but I sense almost zero remorse about the person you actually directly betrayed yourself. Lot's of focus on your pain, and his...and lot's of focus on losing S...but little indication that you regret the damage done to your marriage and your wife. 3
Furious Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 If I were in love with another man and unhappy in my marriage and did not have children.... I wouldn't move all the way to Asia for my husband's new job. Maybe she does love her husband...maybe she misled you. 2
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 She is working in Asia too. They both are--work in a similar field. I do have remorse for my wife, but that's why I want to TRY to see if it will work once we live together. I don't want to give up--I know I'm in a grieving stage right now, so I'm trying to see if when we reunite once she gets a visa, if I will feel different. We haven't lived together in years (only saw 2 months each year) so it's not a typical marriage. I just want to try at least, and if it still feels too hard and S is still in my thoughts, then I will talk to my wife about seperating maybe or just see what she thinks.
frozensprouts Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 T. I just miss her so much... But i learned a lot from this, and maybe one day we will reunite.. op, please consider what you wrote here...think about this, and then consider if you are being fair to your wife in all of this... suppose S does come back say, a year from now and wants to start things up again...based on this, you would go for it ( assuming sh was no longer married) it sounds like you are expecting your wife to be like Damocles...to have this sword hanging over her head and not even know it
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I don't know what the future brings or if S and I will talk again. She doesn't have my new number or anything so it would be on my end if we where to talk. Also, we don't even live in the same country anymore and once she moves to Asia this summer, who knows when and if she will return to the U.S...so even though I still have strong feelings, as I said, its not meant to be. I'm going to live my life and work on my marriage and see where it takes me.....I can't predict my grieving process...I mean isn't there anyone else who fell in love like this, but wanted to do the right thing and see if their marriage could work? Am I the only one who decided to work on their marriage even though they were in love with someone else?? I can't be the only one
Owl Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I'm sure you're not the only one, although you maybe the only one posting here at this time. You've received a LOT of advice from folks talking about what steps you need to take as part of your "do the right thing"...all of which included telling your wife (which is a key, critical part of "do the right thing"). I just don't get HOW you can do the right thing at this point. Living seperately, with no accountability to your wife after what you've done...without telling her what's gone on...sets the stage for failure. If not with S, then with B, or W, or T when she comes along. If you want to "do the right thing"...do it right. Or don't do it at all.
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