lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months. I have 6 & 8 year old sons she has a 5 year old son. mostly the kids get along great. The problem were having is that she says i don't love her child unconditionally, like she loves my kids. He went through a lot of crazy stuff for his age, alcoholic/druggy dad and my girlfriend does an amazing job with him, he is very hard. The other day i was at their house and he straight up asked me when i was leaving, he asked 3 times. So i figured he needed more one on one time with him mom. She scolded him and made him apologize to me. We hugged, i love her son. She got mad because i didnt take the time to tell him that i love him and that i understand his frustrations. When i left she called me and told me we need to take a break so she can figure out what she wants. What do i do to show her that i love her son. I have taken the two of them on trips, which my kids did not go on. I coached his baseball team, take him to school, to parks, i actually have a lot of 1 on one time with him. I am not trying to be his father but more of a father figure, he loves his dad.
TigerCub Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I don't have kids, so maybe that's why this seems weird to me. You've dated her for 10 months! So she actually must have introduced you to her child very early in the relationship - that I find kind of weird. I would imagine if I had a kid, I would be very cautious in how early I would introduce someone I'm dating to them. 2nd, you love him, but she wants you to unconditionally love him. I think this one might be because his dad is a druggy and I'm guessing isn't there for him as often as he should, so she's trying to overcompensate by making you fill those daddy shoes. Lastly, I'm not sure how one show "unconditional love". I mean, most parents love their kids, but some will disown their own children over differences in life styles, certain choices, etc. This kid is 5 - its not like he's going to do anything that will really test anyone's limits and create a "condition" for getting love. So how is she showing you that she unconditionally loves your kids? Seems like she needs a lot of reassurance - and maybe based on her past and her son's father, its understandable, but I honestly don't know what you're supposed to do. Can you ask her how one shows unconditional love, and how she's showing it to your kids? - at least to get an idea of what she's looking for.
Author lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I straight up asked her what i am supposed to do to show the love. She told me her son is more of a lovable kid and needs the reassurance and to be told that I love him and care for him and his mom. I told her from the beginning i do not want to replace his father, as he isn't that bad of a guy, just has substance abuse problems. I have actually gone out to lunch and hung out with him and all the kids as well, i know sounds weird but we have to do what is best for the kids. Other people on the baseball team i coached asked how that works cause they couldn't believe we all get along like that. I understand he came from a tough spot and needs the reassurance but honestly he walks all over everyone around him and they just say thats how he is. We actually started out as friends and were having play dates at the beach last summer and doing things with our kids together. At the time we had our kids at the same times, week days and they all went to their other parents on the weekends. We did not start out to be a couple, that is why she introduced me to her son and i introduced her to my kids. I never would have done that that early in a relationship as well.
wow04 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Okay I am a single mom of 4 kids, ages 13, 8, 5, & 3. My boyfriend has 3 kids ages 18, 14, and 8. I have my 13 yr old all the time and 3 younger ones on Sun, Mon, Tues, and every other Sat. He has his every other weekend. Every other weekend we have all kids together. Our relationship is 9 months old. Did we introduce our kids early? Yes, we did. Boyfriend and I have history, which is why we did it. I don't expect my boyfriend to love my kids and he doesn't expect me to love his. We all need to treat each other with respect and understanding. I handle my kids and he handles his. This really works for us. It sounds to me that she is looking for a father for her kid. You do more than you have to for that child. She needs to realize you are not this kid's father and never will be. Can you be a father figure? Yes.
maybealone Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I understand he came from a tough spot and needs the reassurance but honestly he walks all over everyone around him and they just say thats how he is. Do you let him walk all over you? Because letting him walk all over you might be what she means by unconditional love. Maybe she actually wants you to be less of a father figure and more of someone who sees him as the kid that can do no wrong. It's not that unusual for a parent to feel like that these days, especially if she feels some guilt for all the rough stuff he has been through.
Author lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 She says she wants me to be tough on him and get him to behave better. She does feel guilt and tells me how he has had a hard life all the time. He spent 4 months in a burn unit when he was real young when he pulled a tea pot on to himself. The other problem is when he comes home from his dads he has a really bad attitude and even his teachers will ask us if he was at his dads that weekend. His dad lets him control him and any discipline he gets at home is pretty much out the door when he returns. They do not co-parent very well. She is always on him but his dad does nothing, acts more like a friend. I am very involved in his life, which i don't mind, as long as it doesn't take away from my time with my kids. As of now we are on a break so she can spend more time with him. Which i suggested, and was taken the wrong way.
wow04 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 It's not your job to be hard on him, it is her's. The transition between houses can be hard on kids. I know when mine hit the door, from their dad's, I say "Different houses, different rules. My rules are in full force now." I have to remind them of that. Even my 3 year old knows it. Blending families can be very hard. You both need to be on the same page.
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 What resources is she using to increase her parenting skill set? This reads like a deficit in parenting skill. I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you and your children. Best of outcomes.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 You shouldn't let her control you so much in the relationship in this aspect, you seem to be doing plenty and much more than the average guy. So remind her in that respect of how much you do and you've only been together for a short time in the big picture, plus this kid is going to have issues and need time to adjust to the relationship and situation, she's putting too much pressure on him and you, she needs to just let things flow...what is her rush? She's got issues though, that's the main cause of this. Imo any woman that's able to stay with a man who's got serious abuse problems has some issues herself, so just don't look at It from her side...It takes a lot of enabling on her part too to be in this relationship with her ex, a stronger more level headed woman would have ran out the door. But let's even give her the benefit of the doubt in that aspect, I know you don't want to see her that I just want you to be realistic with the situation, because she's going to be traumatized from that experience regardless and for someone who's never dealt with that before her actions may not always make sense and you have to look beyond the actions and really just determine where it's really coming from. As far this "break" she either wanted you to refuse that and this was a passive aggressive test, or she realizes her anger with you doesn't reside with you but the lack of fatherhood from the real father...which is ultimately what she really wanted...so you might be a rebound kind of a guy here, im not sure how long she was out of this prior relationship and how long at it lasted, but it definitely sounds like she's still emotionally distraught and impacted by the experience. You're going to really have to step up and do a lot of communication and expression with her, I'd expect her to have some serious issues to work through before you really get to a balanced place again...these things just don't disappear. But more in the loop with her day to day mood and learn how to handle the situations, tell her when she's wrong and make efforts to communicate with her about it when she isn't in the moment so she can put effort when she is. Ultimately If she's just expecting you to fill the void of the paternal father then she will place unrealistic expectations of no matter how much you do or what you do It'll never be enough, she'll always see a lack of because she is still hurting and wants that void filled. She doesn't seem to be too interested in how you feel about it and how your emotional impacted, which is always a bad sign of how much someone really cares. She might be so much of an extremist that even considering your feelings, would feel like putting you above her son because she just has to make her son the center of the universe, after all this is probably what makes her feel valid, necessary and important in this world...so tread carefully with this one she doesn't sound like internally she has it all together...at any rate you've got to communicate and figure out why she doesn't think you're doing a good enough job and what's really behind it...because you are.
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) I would add that OP needs to have his personal boundaries securely in place. GF's seem not to be so. I would expect boundary issues in a woman coming out of an abusive relationship. The pity of the abuse cycle is that victims become what they exclaim to abhor, an abuser. Communication by all means, but knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the cycle of abuse, ponder why you were drawn to a victim of domestic abuse? Edited May 22, 2012 by Balzac Typo
Author lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 ponder why you were drawn to a victim of domestic abuse? I never viewed it as abuse. She was not abused by her husband he just had the dependency problems. It's funny because her and i have been attracted to each other for years but we were both married. I always thought she was way out of league, and still do. I was actually the photographer for her wedding. I don't see me being a rebound, she has been divorced for many years and have had a few boyfriend since the divorce. We actually started dating about 2 weeks before my D was final. We both came from some pretty crappy marriages where we feel like we got screwed. My XW suffers from OCD and is a workaholic and I pretty much raised my boys while running my business from home. Now she says i was never around cause i had to work weekends and evenings, you know the times when she was home. I feel she does not control me. I am a pretty independent guy and was always the one doing the cooking in my house. She lives at home with her parents for the time being and will get upset when i want to go home and cook myself a meal.
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Thanks for your clarification. In response I will add that abuse is not always physical violence. From your share it sounds as if you both were married to addictive personalities. Interesting story about your meeting each other. I wish you the best possible outcome. You sound very committed.
Author lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Honestly I felt committed but I just don't feel that way today. She gets so upset about her son. Which I understand but it is really the only Thing we have argued about. She says she can't be with someone that can't love her child unconditionally. I feel i do, treat her son the same i treat mine, i just dont spank and yell at hers as much, Lol So what ever. I decided to go NC with her and only communicate when she contacts me. This morning she texted me at the time I usually bring her coffee to see where her coffee was even though yesterday she told me not to bring her coffee today. I have not tried to contact her beyond that. Last night my son broke out in hives and I didn't have any cream and I called her and she didn't answer her phone and I already had one sleeping kid sobi couldn't leave to go to the store. I called their motHer and she brought some over to me. My GF was not happy that I called her(my ex) for help. Edited May 22, 2012 by lastresort Typos
fucpcg Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Brotha, do I know your story! First, let me ask this... Are you sure you aren't already doing a great job of showing you care for her kid? If she is bent out of shape about the relationship, maybe something else in particular, or just the relationship overall, she might say things that aren't fair, but are a good "smoke screen" so to speak. My ex had 3 young boys, the youngest had such a hard time growing up around broken marriage and household, that he had to go to that United Way program called Early Connections. There wasn't anyone in her family that could relate to, or deal with him when throwing daily tantrums, until I came along. I invested into that child like you wouldn't believe, and within about 2 months he was calling me stepdad and was always glued to my side. For the next 10 months we were together, I was the one exclusively that would deal with him when going out of control and throwing tantrums. After a year of dating my ex got mad at me and broke up with me, and in the email that she did it with, one of the reasons she listed was "didn't take an interest in my sons". I took her kids to do something every single weekend we were together, from out of town trips to ice skating at local rink, not to mention how I handled them in a fatherly way. This statement she made about not taking an interest in her kids was the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said to me in my life, but hey she wanted out of the relationship, and I guess it sounded good to say... Maybe something else is going on?
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 IMHO it is beyond reasonable expectation to demand that you live her child unconditionally. You undoubtedly love your sons in that way and respect that she loves her son unconditionally. I cannot imagine anger at you for appropriate parenting decisions regarding your son's health. That seems draconian punishment in my view. Her beliefs are not founded in reality. What a pity. You are paying the price for those who failed to meet her expectations prior to your relationship. It's to work out for her. I see little you can do for her.
Author lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Thanks fucpcb. I hear you. It is hard to figure out. But unless I have blinders on I don't see anything else wrong. I know the ex has been being a real pain in her butt the last couple weeks and she has been stressed about that. Which if she needs to take it out on me in other ways I understand aide she has had to put up with a lot of crap from my ex and I. I know she appreciates all I have done as she tells me. Even when she said I don't do things with him enough I reminded her of camping trips, hiking, fishing, baseball and many trips to the pool and beach. Like I said. I have even hung out went to lunch, with just me her ex and the 3 boys with out her. Which is crazy. But I knew him from when they were married and he likes me and knows I am a good person to be around his son. Any ways I hope NC works. I only respond when she contacts me. It's very hard but I have a gf I contact when we both need someone to talk too. She is going through a gnarly D so she calls me instead of her stbeh Edited May 22, 2012 by lastresort Typos
fucpcg Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Well my ex used to tell me how wonderful I was to her children, ALWAYS, until the breakup. I would do everything with her sons, go to their games, take them for the day so the ex could go play soccer or do whatever to take personal time... And then there were the Sunday nights when they came home from a typical weekend of horror with their Dad, and I would make sure to be there, because this was always the time that her sons were in the worst moods and conditions, because their father didn't give and Shhh about them, and would purposely do things to upset them so that they would be a nightmare for their mother when they got home. I was their for those kids like you don't see many father's who are even there for their own kids like that. Then I got what I told you in my first post. Since the breakup, my ex has been beyond nasty to me, and has spread all these stories about me, about how terrible I was to her and her sons. Those stories weren't warranted at all, but it's her story for why she broke up with me. I really think something else is up with your girl. I'd be very cautious of her:(
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 It's astounding how many biological parents doom their children. Inspite of efforts by extraordinary standins they cannot put the interests if their children before their own neediness. These children are marginalized from the moment of conception. Blame is placed all around. True we cannot choose our parents, true some of these children manage to overcome but the vast majority fail. Troubled and frequently unable to overcome their history they go on to produce the next generation of marginalized children. It's sad.
Author lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Well said Balzac. It just bums me out that she feels this way and pulls away. Especially after everything I have done for them. I guess I will just have to wait for her to figure out what she wants.
ariadne999 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 you trashy people need to quit ****ing breeding already. jesus can we chlorinate the gene pool? 1
ariadne999 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 you trashy people need to quit ****ing breeding already. jesus can we chlorinate the gene pool?
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Hey! Look at the bright side. The marginalized offspring fill the left side if the bell curve, guaranteeing that well parented offspring get an improved statistical shot at best opportunities. Acceptance into better academic programs, better networking, success in careers. We need both sides of the statistical scale. Just don't lose sight of those who fill the less than 50th percentile. Sad as it may be. What you did for her boys was contribute to their skill set. It remains to be seen how that may influence their future. It is commendable what you did. It was the right thing. Thanks from me. Edited May 22, 2012 by Balzac Added phrase
Balzac Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 you trashy people need to quit ****ing breeding already. jesus can we chlorinate the gene pool? No license is required to procreate. To operate a motorized vehicle but not for parenting! 1
g450 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 It's not your job to be hard on him, it is her's. The transition between houses can be hard on kids. I know when mine hit the door, from their dad's, I say "Different houses, different rules. My rules are in full force now." I have to remind them of that. Even my 3 year old knows it. Blending families can be very hard. You both need to be on the same page. I have a friend that has that problem as well. Kids father is laxed and spoils them. They get deprogrammed and turn into dissrespectful turds when they are with him and have to be trained by their other father when they get home to mom. Could not even imagine having to go through that crap several times a month. Sheesh! Lucky for me my Fiancees ex is a total loser that spends almost zero time with his Son.
g450 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Holly crap!! 10 Months and she wants you to tell her Son you love him? WTF?" That is waaaay inapropriate. She has absolutely no right to demand that of you or to be angry at you. Does she not know how rare it is to find a good guy that actually will accept her Son much less fall in love with him? Give me a break. The fact that she HAD a few boyfriends before you should tell you something. Seems to me she is not being realistic. Lets be brutally honest, It is very possible that no man is going to love her kids as much as she does. That is an unrealistic expectation. My Fiancee has kids as well but I am not and never will replace their fathers. Nor do I have to. Now as far as you hanging out with their father, I think that is a bad idea. If you are serious about her and want it to work, do you really want him to think its OK to hang out with you and possibly her? They are called exes for a reason. And sadly, if all she is looking for is a replacement father then you are in big trouble and so will any relationship based on only that. Personally, I would run. You are just setting yourself up for failure from the sound of it because she will make her kid #1 and it sounds like she is just using you as a surragate father. I could just imagine what she will do with you after you outgrow your usefulness. You are paying for the exes mistakes as well I think. I have been there and done that. Not a good place to be. Again, I would run. Not only because of the issue with her and her kid, but because the ex is still in the picture. Thats a recipe for disaster.
Recommended Posts