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Harmless text message convo with a woman he used to date?


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Posted (edited)
yes. He filed for divorce a couple weeks after we started dating and the divorce has been finalized.

 

I don't know that much about divorce, but I thought most states require that you be legally separated for some time before a divorce is finalized. I'm confused; can they even divorce when they are still living together?

 

SG, if you will forgive my bluntness, I feel worried when I hear about you dating these guys. You seem to have gotten stuck in "rebound pinball" this last year, where you bounce straight from one relationship with waving red flags into another.

 

If what you want is long-term partnership, beginning to date a man who is still legally married (even worse, in a marriage of convenience) and sharing a house with his legal wife (who has other boyfriends) probably isn't a direct route there. You've somehow managed to rationalize the situation. But honestly, from the outside, it is...weird. A thirtysomething guy who is husband and father material has his stuff together--enough that he doesn't need to live with his ex because he can't afford his own place. It's not about the money--rather I've found a person's financial situation is often reflective of his or her emotional situation. If you aren't on top of your own finances, often you aren't on top of your life, and if you aren't managing your life then it's hard to integrate a partner, which requires even more effort.

 

Since your dream includes marriage and children, personally I think you would be better served to invest a year--or even just a few months--in trying to find a guy who really has potential to be a good husband and father. Probably that means a laid-back happy guy with a normal job, normal life circumstances, and no ongoing questionable relationships with other women. I won't lie--it will be harder to find a man if you ask for those things, and it will take some time. However, I suspect the long-term rewards of raising your dating bar will be higher than those of having multiple short relationships with men who have various issues that are apparent from the outset, and the baggage that those relationship failures will give you.

 

You ask "what's the solution?" I think it's this: Find a guy who has his stuff together. It's not that the guys you've been dating sound like bad guys, but it takes more than someone just being a good man to make a marriage work. I found that out the hard way--before I finally met the right person for me.

 

Just my $0.02--and I come from a different and much more traditional cultural perspective so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Edited by moontiger
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Posted (edited)
I don't know that much about divorce, but I thought most states require that you be legally separated for some time before a divorce is finalized. I'm confused; can they even divorce when they are still living together?

 

SG, if you will forgive my bluntness, I feel worried when I hear about you dating these guys. You seem to have gotten stuck in "rebound pinball" this last year, where you bounce straight from one relationship with waving red flags into another.

 

If what you want is long-term partnership, beginning to date a man who is still legally married (even worse, in a marriage of convenience) and sharing a house with his legal wife (who has other boyfriends) probably isn't a direct route there. You've somehow managed to rationalize the situation. But honestly, from the outside, it is...weird. A thirtysomething guy who is husband and father material has his stuff together--enough that he doesn't need to live with his ex because he can't afford his own place. It's not about the money--rather I've found a person's financial situation is often reflective of his or her emotional situation. If you aren't on top of your own finances, often you aren't on top of your life, and if you aren't managing your life then it's hard to integrate a partner, which requires even more effort.

 

Since your dream includes marriage and children, personally I think you would be better served to invest a year--or even just a few months--in trying to find a guy who really has potential to be a good husband and father. Probably that means a laid-back happy guy with a normal job, normal life circumstances, and no ongoing questionable relationships with other women. I won't lie--it will be harder to find a man if you ask for those things, and it will take some time. However, I suspect the long-term rewards of raising your dating bar will be higher than those of having multiple short relationships with men who have various issues that are apparent from the outset, and the baggage that those relationship failures will give you.

 

You ask "what's the solution?" I think it's this: Find a guy who has his stuff together. It's not that the guys you've been dating sound like bad guys, but it takes more than someone just being a good man to make a marriage work. I found that out the hard way--before I finally met the right person for me.

 

Just my $0.02--and I come from a different and much more traditional cultural perspective so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

I know you're right. I see a difference in what I want and what I am setting myself up to actually get. They don't match up, at least not with the current circumstances. But, I can tell you why I make the choice each day to keep doing it.

 

I care about him and I want to give him a chance (I know, I keep giving chance after chance to seemingly undeserving men). He is more compatible with me than the last guy though, and the ex that brought me to LS. If nothing else, this has to be progress.

 

I think about the time before we were dating when he changed a flat tire on my car in the dead of winter. He even gave me a plug-in compressor to keep in my trunk so I wouldn't be stuck with a flat again. I think about choosing someone else over him and having him seek me out and still want to be with me when that relationship didn't work out. And the biggest thing that I will never forget is when I let him use my phone one time to access the internet. We had only been dating a few weeks and I was worried that I might be pregnant from the last guy I dated, so I had searched for "pregnancy symptoms" and other things like that. I saw the search history automatically pop up when he began to type in the search bar and we both fell silent. After a pause he looked at me and asked me if I was pregnant. I said no (I had gotten a test by then). And then he asked why I hadn't told him. I said I was too scared, including because it wouldn't have been his. He asked if I didn't tell him because I was afraid he would leave. I replied, "well of course that was one thought I had, if it's not yours I wouldn't expect you to stay". He hugged me and replied "you clearly don't understand how I feel about you". That floored me. He told me to not be fearful and hide any emotional distress from him again.

 

So, he isn't perfect, but neither am I. I've decided this is it for me for now. Am I going to marry him? Not any time soon; I'm in no rush. Can I do better? Sure, a lot of people probably could. But, if I leave will I actually find better? What's the likelihood of that? What's the statistic? I left the best man I have ever known when I was 21 years old. Though I don't regret it, I have seen over the years how difficult it is to find someone that good. Also, I truly believe that each and every person is imperfect enough that one could justify not being in a relationship with them. It's all about realizing what can be compromised with what cannot be compromised and staying true to myself.

 

My life is stable right now, with the exception of my occasional anxiety and stress, which have plagued me my entire life regardless of relationship status. I want to keep having fun and learn to relax.

 

I will always take your $.02 (someday I will be rich from all your wisdom!) :)

Edited by ScienceGal
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