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Harmless text message convo with a woman he used to date?


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Posted
The bed-sharing, if I'm understanding the timeline right, happened before they were exclusive, right?

 

According to SG's post, it happened the week they decided to start dating.

 

If it were me, that's still a dealbreaker - exclusivity wouldn't come into it.

 

To share a bed with one women (an ex, no less) while agreeing to date another still suggests poor boundaries and cake-eating.

Posted
According to SG's post, it happened the week they decided to start dating.

 

If it were me, that's still a dealbreaker - exclusivity wouldn't come into it.

 

To share a bed with one women (an ex, no less) while agreeing to date another still suggests poor boundaries and cake-eating.

 

Eh, I dunno. Maybe sharing a bed with the other woman clued him in to how much he liked ScienceGal, and lead to him deciding to commit to her.

 

I know it seems counter-intuitive, since a lot of people see multi-dating as "cake eating," but I've found that it can actually clue me into certain feelings.

 

For example, last summer I was in a FWB situation, but also trying to date around. Being physical with another guy other than my FWB actually made me feel guilty, even though me and the FWB had clearly established no exclusivity. It demonstrated to me that my feelings for him were a lot deeper than I had admitted, if not faced with the situation of physically connecting with someone else.

 

Maybe something similar happened with ScienceGal's guy. I just don't think it's right to judge a person for what happened outside the bounds of an agreement... you're either exclusive or you're not. If they were not, then why judge the guy for acting accordingly?

 

It just seems like a slippery slope to draw a line in the sand and say "Even though we weren't exclusive, you shouldn't be engaging in non-exclusive behaviors." I mean, when do we stop judging him... if he had done it a month previous? Two months? For all he knew of the future, he could have ended up dating THAT girl, and not SG.

 

That's just the world of multi-dating, and I think you'd drive yourself crazy trying to line up all of these rules people must follow to avoid "cake-eating" if you don't actually have an agreement with them.

  • Like 1
Posted

There are some things I'm better at giving advice in than others, but If there is one field I'd consider myself a "specialist" In, this would be it.

 

I know exactly what this guy is doing and thinking, It's crystal clear to me.

 

Unfortunately I am debating whether to tell you the complete truth because believe it or not, I do have a beating heart and don't always enjoy being so brutally honest, however I know I have to be If what I say is ever going to have truth and meaning.

 

This is pretty catastrophic, from the point where he started this whole interaction with this woman coming to visit, to the last conversation he had with this woman. Once I read to the point about the middle of the text conversation I was completely sure where he is coming from, I know his mentality.

 

I'll start with the good news...he doesn't sound experienced at all in this, which is primarily why he tries to be...at least half honest, and still struggles with a conscience. However he is having difficult instituting his principles, but he knows what they are...he is crossing a very clear line and he knows it.

 

The bad news is pretty much the rest of it...he's already crossed that line internally and emotionally, he's already letting his emotions lead him down the path of getting himself into trouble. He knows he never should have just hopped into this new relationship and him and this girl have some kind of relationship however it's not technically dating...however he has some kind of a close relationship with her based on the conversation that he is having with her in the text convo.....he's being more open and emotional with her, he's losing the ability to maintain the boundaries...he is compelled to communicate with her and although I don't feel he's completely into her he's created a dynamic where the fact that he didn't get to proceed further with her is raising more questions than answers...did I make the right decision? Am I with the right woman? Did I not give this a chance with this her because of the distance? Did I misjudge and get myself into something trying to do the right thing?

 

In his mind because he is inexperienced he feels like he's totally trying to do the right thing...he feels like he's trying to respect and acknowledge the "relationship" with her so to speak and at the same time is valuing his current relationship. He doesn't yet realize that it doesn't work that way, you can't cross those wires without getting a spark. However he ignores that fact because he is still into this girl as well and still wants to leave that door and option open to her...and he doesn't realize or care If let's say he's that naive, that this will take away from his current relationship.

 

He doesn't know what to do, how to think and feel because he's trying to have his cake and eat it too, and figure out a way he doesn't have to choose...by keeping her in the back burner. The problem is women tend to be very accommodating to men when they really like him...which she does...so she'll be persistent and hang around like a ghost just waiting for the other foot to drop on this relationship...she has a conscience and doesn't want to intervene, she knows her boundaries to an extent right now....but she'll end up catching even more emotions from him because they will still develop a personal relationship under the radar and behind your back...yet they will both call it a "friendship" as a cover and will try for their own conscience, values and morals so they don't have to feel guilty about it and like they're cheating...but in fact they both are, because they know the reason they are both speaking with each other still is for romance not platonic friendship...whether that's now or in the future....hopefully not during...but this is the kind of situation where two people find themselves and bed and say "well....It just happened, we never planned this nor saw it coming" but their own implied ignorance is not an excuse for their behavior.

 

From my perspective, he's already thinking and caring too much about her...he's already taken action and used words that he shouldn't have...but that's the truth. You can try and cut her out of the picture but then you just kind of turn her into a martyr and then you have to make him choose...which he should have done the right thing already and displayed that his affections were only for you. It's up to you but he's already crossed into the wrong territory, I don't think there is any going back...he screwed it up already now this thing is going to have to play out and now she's on facebook.

 

The whole deal of him just laying next to her in bed is just and nothing happened is extremely questionable to the point where frankly I'd just never buy it...I know how he sees her, I know he wasn't that into her..but frankly...he doesn't sound that into you either judging from his actions and dividing his affections...he feels conflicted and that tells me he's in trouble internally with this relationship already. The reason he treated her badly is because of his own respect for her and inexperience, he wasn't sure what to do and how to react and act, so he froze it and became paralyzed, cut her off and played it distant...that's not chivalrous or kind, that's selfish and playing games...he never made it clear to her and was straight forward...until now expressing his emotions for her. She's such a fool and naive herself that she can't pull away and she thinks he's amazing and obviously doesn't care that he completely disrespected her and treated her like dirt that day and now she's being "understanding"....she's essentially the perfect victim because she won't make a scene, play under the radar and doesn't see herself having bad intentions...she wants to "understand" him and be supportive, that whole bull**** deal that some women do for a man they like...so this has the potential to get real ugly, knowing what I know....honestly If I were I'd drop him like a rock and get out of there, Imo this is the tip of the iceberg and the rest is under water where that you can't see yet.

 

There's a difference between honesty and being a fool...and I think he's the latter...because he's not being completely honest with two women right now.

 

And I don't fault you for looking through his phone, because you knew something wasn't right...and you just found information you needed (at least in my experienced eyes)

  • Like 8
Posted

... Wow. I apparently live in a dimension where people can feel bad about how they treat others without wanting to hop in bed with them, can admit that they handled things badly in the past with someone while still dating someone else, and can be emotionally open with an ex without needing to re-ignite the relationship.

 

Has seriously no one ever had a cathartic discussion with an ex along these lines? Or wanted to keep an ex as a friend because, ya know, they're still a good person even if the romance didn't work out?

 

I care about one or two of my exes, and can have very emotionally honest conversations with them, without ever wanting to see them naked ever, ever again. Surely I can't be that much of a freak.

  • Like 2
Posted
... Wow. I apparently live in a dimension where people can feel bad about how they treat others without wanting to hop in bed with them, can admit that they handled things badly in the past with someone while still dating someone else, and can be emotionally open with an ex without needing to re-ignite the relationship.

This is absolutely true. People can make mistakes and learn (not guaranteed, but a distinct possibility), and likewise people can do things which seem foolish in hindsight, but completely justified at the time itself.

 

The only way this will get resolved is by SG and her SO addressing the issues; we do not know the full extent of what motivated both of them to behave as they have behaved, let alone how the other interprets such behaviours.

Posted

This is what happens when people aren't open about multi-dating and keeping their options open.

 

Have the two of you had an exclusive relationship discussion yet?

  • Author
Posted (edited)
I would reserve judgement for now, and keep an eye out for future behaviors. If he continues to talk to her about their almost-relationship, or texting/talking to her more than normal, then it's a good bet he's not over her. If, however, the two of them just have friendly chats, then this was just a "clear the air, let's be friends" talk, which I think displays a growth of maturity and compassion on the part of your guy.

 

When I was younger, I definitely took the route he took a couple times, and I didn't want anything to do with those guys. I was just being immature and I liked that someone liked me. I also didn't have the guts to be direct and say "we are never going to be more than friends".

 

Are you suggesting I keep peeking at his phone to see if they keep texting? This is one of the options I've thought out. But then I wonder, for how long? A relationship can't really be sustained without trust.

 

But oh why are you wondering how he would act if you were a "new woman." You ARE the new woman and he is having this kind of convo with his ex. I am sorry, but men who are really into you don't keep talking to their exes like that (or keeping other women on the back burner). They don't!

 

By new woman I mean if this situation passes and a new woman showed interest, would he entertain her with the same inappropriate kindness? Or another ex for that matter!

 

The bed-sharing, if I'm understanding the timeline right, happened before they were exclusive, right?

 

Yes. And he told me about it a month or so into us dating because he said he felt terrible about it and just wanted to come clean. This is the only reason it's on my radar. This is suddenly reminding me of a post I started about being too honest too early in a relationship.

 

I can let the sharing a bed thing go since it was so early on because, I chose another guy over him. That's right, I chose to date someone else for about 6 weeks and when that didn't work out he still wanted to date me. I knew I had made a mistake in my decision to date the other guy. When it ended, I did not reach out to my bf. He contacted me and said "at least now you know you weren't supposed to be with him". He never gave me grief about it at all and has just been happy that we're together.

 

But, when that guy I dated came crawling back, I was kind but direct and then I severed contact... even after multiple lengthy emails in which he was pouring his heart out. I leave no room for exes that still have romantic feelings for me, there is no benefit in that.

 

Hey SG.

 

I agree with most here - he's not setting clear boundaries with this woman and he's not over her. He seems to be pretty open with you, which is a good sign.

 

I'd also recommend telling him you saw the texts. It'll be uncomfortable , but it's just going to eat you up and make you more paranoid until you do. I take your comment about their facebook interactions as evidence of that.

 

Don't let what you see of their FB communications sway how much you trust him until you two have talked about this.

 

If you've already established that you want a committed long-term relationship, and he's agreed, you need to tell him how much her being over bothered you. That's a legitimate reason to be upset, even if she hadn't slept in his bed (not cool, btw - if he didn't have space he should have slept on the floor IMO. No excuse for that at all.)

 

Why did she make a trip out just to see him? Were they work buddies, or friends prior? Was she there on other business? So far she's shown herself to be respectful of your relationship, which is great.

 

I don't think that you should hesitate to bring up your uneasiness just because you're aware that you have trust issues. This isn't a situation where your distrust is inaproppriate or unjustified. He's raised some major red flags in his relationship with this woman.

 

That text convo established all that these two need to say to each other, IMO. If he feels bad about continuing to talk to her, and she's asking if it's OK for them to keep talking, it's because they both know that the intimacy they share is inappropriate when one or both of them are in a committed relationship with someone else.

 

Good luck and keep us posted :).

 

Thank you, Almond Joy.

 

He does have boundary issues, but I wonder if anyone has ever told him that before.

 

We weren't committed then, but we certainly are now. This is why how he treated her then and his texts to her now bother me more than the fact that she visited. It's his thinking process and decision making that worries me.

 

They dated before, which is why I am inclined to think that a week long visit wasn't intended to be platonic. Although, he and I shared a bed quite a few times before being sexual. It can happen, but I don't see why anyone would put themselves in that situation with an ex.

 

Eh, I dunno. Maybe sharing a bed with the other woman clued him in to how much he liked ScienceGal, and lead to him deciding to commit to her.

 

I know it seems counter-intuitive, since a lot of people see multi-dating as "cake eating," but I've found that it can actually clue me into certain feelings.

 

For example, last summer I was in a FWB situation, but also trying to date around. Being physical with another guy other than my FWB actually made me feel guilty, even though me and the FWB had clearly established no exclusivity. It demonstrated to me that my feelings for him were a lot deeper than I had admitted, if not faced with the situation of physically connecting with someone else.

 

Maybe something similar happened with ScienceGal's guy. I just don't think it's right to judge a person for what happened outside the bounds of an agreement... you're either exclusive or you're not. If they were not, then why judge the guy for acting accordingly?

 

It just seems like a slippery slope to draw a line in the sand and say "Even though we weren't exclusive, you shouldn't be engaging in non-exclusive behaviors." I mean, when do we stop judging him... if he had done it a month previous? Two months? For all he knew of the future, he could have ended up dating THAT girl, and not SG.

 

That's just the world of multi-dating, and I think you'd drive yourself crazy trying to line up all of these rules people must follow to avoid "cake-eating" if you don't actually have an agreement with them.

 

I just want to reiterate that I am most concerned with his thought process/decision making and how it is going to affect me from today on. Is a long term relationship possible with someone that has poor boundary lines?

 

@ ninjapajamas, I think he is interested a little. And even if he isn't interested, he is aware that he's leaving the door open. Even a fool would see that.

 

I just worked 13 hours and am beat. I'm certainly not talking to him about this tonight; in fact, I don't think I'll even see him until tomorrow. I'm going to share the messages with a close friend and see what she thinks as well.

Edited by ScienceGal
Posted

I just want to reiterate that I am most concerned with his thought process/decision making and how it is going to affect me from today on. Is a long term relationship possible with someone that has poor boundary lines?

 

I say, "no." And I think it's naive to think that the bed-sharing was innocent, especially combined with everything that's happening now. But since you're letting it go, I will to.

 

I don't think you would have posted about this if you didn't think that his behaviour is suspect. Though there is a possiiblity that you are particularly sensitive to this type of behaviour and there really is nothing going on.

 

However, I completely agree with ninjainpyjamas' post - having been through a similar experience with an ex (we broke up and he ended up marrying his previous ex with whom he'd reconnected and was being 'emotionally open' with, without my knowledge).

 

As ninja wrote, he's crossed the line and you're letting him. It's likely that he will continue to cross the line and erode what he has for you in favour of what he has with her. See how understanding she is? Part of her charm. Who do you think he will turn to when things aren't going so well in your relationship? Will he be open and honest with you or will he vent to her and she'll be the one to give him advice and support? If that's a situation, you're happy with, then by all means, let it go. However, I wouldn't be, in your shoes.

 

I think that trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, while kind and admirable, is misguided and naive. Only time will tell. And I would be very happy to be wrong about this. Though, I think not. We'll see how this plays out.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I used her post on his Facebook as a gateway to a conversation with him about how he feels he dealt with the situation. He asked why I was asking and I told him that I noticed she posted something and in my experience when someone is told directly that there is no romantic interest, they usually back off. I said I thought it was odd she wasn't backing off and was just curious about how it all went down. Also, I know he dislikes confrontation and awkward talks. So given all that I said, "I just want to know how you feel you handled it; were you direct?" He said yes and then picked up his phone to review their text conversation. I said "oh, I thought you had a phone conversation"? He said he did not and that it was all via text. He scrolled through the message, not knowing I had already read it, and said that perhaps he was not as direct as he thought he had been. I asked to read it and he said no. I asked "so apparently I wouldn't approve of what was said?" To which he replied "probably not".

 

The fact that he went straight to the text conversation in front of me tells me that he didn't realize that he handled it as poorly as he did. This doesn't make it right though. Also, he paraphrased what was said and I told him I could tell he was lying or skipping over/adding things because it wasn't meshing well. He asked me why I can't just trust him and believe that I am the only one he wants to be with. I told him I do believe that, but how situations like this are handled is very important to me. Then I explained how I handled my ex that tried to come back, and that I would gladly let him read the email I sent. He didn't want to read it.

 

I stepped back and said "Look, I don't want this to be a long drawn out conversation because what was done is done. What I want is for you to think about how you handled it and whether it was respectful to me and our relationship, and if it was respectful to her. I want you to know this is very important to me and how situations like this are handled matters to me". And that was it. The entire conversation lasted maybe 10 minutes. He definitely understands where I am coming from now and he seemed to understand and accept what I was saying. How it will play into future scenarios I am not sure. I do feel better that I was able to have the conversation.

Edited by ScienceGal
  • Like 1
Posted

SG, took a quick peek backwards at your other threads. As a suggestion, the more chances you give someone without hard boundaries, the more they're going to keep pushing boundaries since there are no consequences. This guy's run you around in circles and you've allowed him to do so.

  • Author
Posted
SG, took a quick peek backwards at your other threads. As a suggestion, the more chances you give someone without hard boundaries, the more they're going to keep pushing boundaries since there are no consequences. This guy's run you around in circles and you've allowed him to do so.

 

He has? Can you tell me specifically what you read that makes you think he has run me around? Maybe you're referencing the last guy I dated?

 

I met "John" last summer, dated until he left me just before Thanksgiving, citing that it was my boundary issues among other things that made a relationship with me impossible.

I met "Steve" just after John left. We became friends. He was interested, though didn't make a move.

John came back in February and, much to Steve's disappointment, I gave him another chance. He left again 4 weeks later.

I felt like I had made the wrong choice, but did not want to call Steve, as I didn't think I deserved a chance after choosing someone over him. Steve called me and we've been dating 3 months now. He thinks that me giving John another chance allowed me to realize I'm not supposed to be with him (I think I never should've given him another chance). John tried to come back again last month and I told him I will never give him another chance (I was nice but direct). Haven't heard from him since.

Posted
He has? Can you tell me specifically what you read that makes you think he has run me around? Maybe you're referencing the last guy I dated?

 

I met "John" last summer, dated until he left me just before Thanksgiving, citing that it was my boundary issues among other things that made a relationship with me impossible.

I met "Steve" just after John left. We became friends. He was interested, though didn't make a move.

John came back in February and, much to Steve's disappointment, I gave him another chance. He left again 4 weeks later.

I felt like I had made the wrong choice, but did not want to call Steve, as I didn't think I deserved a chance after choosing someone over him. Steve called me and we've been dating 3 months now. He thinks that me giving John another chance allowed me to realize I'm not supposed to be with him (I think I never should've given him another chance). John tried to come back again last month and I told him I will never give him another chance (I was nice but direct). Haven't heard from him since.

Yes, I am confusing guys. Is Steve "married guy"?
  • Author
Posted
Yes, I am confusing guys. Is Steve "married guy"?

 

yes. He filed for divorce a couple weeks after we started dating and the divorce has been finalized.

Posted
yes. He filed for divorce a couple weeks after we started dating and the divorce has been finalized.
So this is the ex-wife he's chatting with? The open relationship queen?
  • Author
Posted

He lives in the same house as the ex wife and one of her boyfriends. He has his own side of the house and his own bathroom. They got married years ago, for non-romantic reasons, when he was in the military. I do think it's a weird situation, but I've been around her and there literally isn't anything between them.

 

This other woman is someone he dated, though I'm not sure when. A week after we started dating (after John left again), she was coming to visit from out of state for a week. Instead of handling it then, he was passive and she left feeling awkward. He did confess all this to me a few weeks after her visit, but ignored her and only addressed it with her a few weeks ago, with the text convo that I started this thread with.

 

I am happy he gave me a chance, and I give him credit for being honest with me about this woman, but how he handled it was not good. And I'm not sure what that behavior means in the long term. I am hoping he was just inexperienced and he does understand what we discussed the other day. I hope he would handle a similar situation better in the future.

Posted

Okay, things are a bit more clear now. I'm still going to recommend you be watchful, considering all the circumstances including the influence of his ex-wife's open relationship beliefs. When times get difficult in relationships, there are people who won't cheat but still keep their options open so they have another branch to swing to. There are more categories of relationship styles but that's the dynamic I'd be careful of, with this guy. He doesn't sound very strong.

  • Author
Posted
Okay, things are a bit more clear now. I'm still going to recommend you be watchful, considering all the circumstances including the influence of his ex-wife's open relationship beliefs. When times get difficult in relationships, there are people who won't cheat but still keep their options open so they have another branch to swing to. There are more categories of relationship styles but that's the dynamic I'd be careful of, with this guy. He doesn't sound very strong.

 

I agree completely.

Posted

I disagree with many others in the thread. I don't see any flirtiness or emotion at all in the text exchange going either way, looks almost clinical and sterile to me actually. Would just chalk this up to loose strings that are always hanging around when starting to date someone new and gauge his behavior going forward now that you have had your say on the matter and he presumably understands you.

Posted

I made this mistake with the guy I have been seeing for over a year..... In my case, it was totally innocent, I was into my boyfriend, and had NO desire for the EX...

 

HERE IS WHAT I DID:

  • I shared a bed with a male friend ( when I was with my boyfriend)
  • was lonley in my new town and continued to meet guys online ( albiet for friendship and to see if any better option came along, even though I was ultimately too into my boyfriend)
  • had the last guy I slept with come over, watch dvds with me on my bed, in the dark.
  • Let the previous fling talk to me, via messages on facebook and the phone, in a way I knew my boyfriend was not comfortable with.

I did this to a guy that I had NO intention on cheating on. What's more, I liked him. We are together almost 2 years later.....

There is a chance he really IS into you, and made some bad desisions and used bad judgment.

Like I did to the guy I was exclusive with - I did not treat my guy the way I would want to be treated. I would have been upset if he was doing the same things to me.

What your guy did was wrong. It is not cool to sleep in the same bed with his ex, and those string of messages implies he is not entirely over her. That said, it does not mean he would rather be with her than he does with you. If it was THAT compelling to be with her, HE WOULD BE, if it was true love or something very profound.

 

It is possible for your guy to think highly of his ex, and still want to be with you more than her.

HOwever: the reason my boyfriend parted ways with his ex, was because they lived on opposite ends of the world. He would have loved to have stayed with her, long term otherwise....

AT FIRST, in the early stages of our relationship - I am hard to get to know, therefore he might very well have thought " hmm, Leigh is great, but I would rather be with my ex, more so then I want to be with Leigh"

He could have very well favoured her to me, but he liked me ENOUGH to start a relationship with me and see where it went...

Almost 2 years later, and he would much rather have me than his ex, because we are in love, and closer than either of us anticipated. We would not want it any other way.

Although initially, to be honest, I think he preferd his ex.

 

It sounds like he is still very interested about what your ex does in her life, he will look at her facebook statuses and care a lot about what she is doing; that does not mean he does not see potential in you, that he also wants to explore.

 

What I WOULD do, if I were in your position - would be to simply say something like ( DO NOT MENTION THE PHONE CONVO)

I would say " Look, I can tell you still have feelings for your ex, that is fine, but I want to know your equally into me as you are into her.... I only want to continue with you, if you want to fully commit to me and see what happens, BEFORE you even CONSIDER your ex again.

Posted

As usual, Ninja is on the money. If he was that into either of you, he would not entertain the thought of anything with two people at once.

 

HOWEVER........ It is early days! Not every one has really strong feelings upon first meeting, and even in the first few months..... It can take time to get to know who a person really is!

He may not be totally into either of you now - but CAN become so in time.

 

Do you need a guy to be super, utterly into you from the start? Or, are you happy to wait for him to really be into you?

Why not date around yourself, be single, and wait until you and Steve really feel the need to be together?

Wouldn't you want to wait for him to be really into you?

Comminicating as friends will give him enough of an idea about who you are, and he will be able to determine he is compelled enough by his feelings for you, to be with you and only you.

 

It is a hard one! ugh. Being inexperienced is ALSO a hard thing to throw into the situation....

Obviously, as Ninja often has said to me... He is not compelled enough by his feelings towards you, to forget about what he has with this women. He is happy to risk what YOU two have going - to see if there is anything with this other women.

true, strong feelings would dictate that he only focuses on you, and does away with other women.

 

That said, I do not think everyone is utterly blown away by people within the first few months - some people are, but it CAN go from really liking you, to being completely into you.

It looks bad from here, and it may be unlikely he is and will be really into you, but it IS a possibility; do you like him enough to take that chance ? Wait, and see if he does become that way with you, where he DOES NOT EVEN THINK about being with other women?

 

I feel for you, though - because my boyfriend really was just as into his ex as he was into me, at first! He did not talk to her though....... Just thought a lot of her.

Because after all, she is an amazing person. It changed for me ( he has let go of romantic notions of them together) and merely thinks she is a great, awesome person.

So....... I guess I was a slow start relationship - whereby he was still into his ex, and it was only logictically he could not be with her.

It can change, but I wouldn't count on it. I am in the monority, where a guy starts to like you more than an ex he still regards highly.

 

And, it took months, about 6 - 7 months, before he was so close to me, that he could not imagine being back with his ex, on account of what he had with me.

Posted
He doesn't sound very strong.

 

No he doesn't and personally I don't think he is long term relationship material. He lives in the same house as his ex wife, he still allows some involvement with an ex girlfriend while he is seeing you. He is very reliant on female company and doesn't seem to be able to stand on his own feet emotionally. It sounds to me that he is the kind of guy who should spend a bit of time on his own away from exes before he became ready for trustworthiness.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for the responses. It makes me feel better to see the different perspectives and experiences with this kind of situation.

 

I'm trying to focus on how he treats me and the dynamic we share. There are a lot of good things here, so I am not going to write him off just yet. I realize the poor choices he's made, but I am most concerned with today on. I'm not living in the past (where I've made poor choices as well). He can either shape up with his communication skills or not. Now that we are 3 months in to an established relationship, I do not expect to deal with this situation again. If something comes up and he handles it poorly again, after our conversation, I will walk away as I did with the last guy I dated who constantly jerked me around.

Posted
If something comes up and he handles it poorly again, after our conversation, I will walk away as I did with the last guy I dated who constantly jerked me around.

 

That's fair enough, everyone makes poor choices at some stage yes.

 

Don't you feel that perhaps he should be more 'self-contained' as a person? Not to rely on his exes as much (or at all) as he appears to do?

  • Author
Posted (edited)
That's fair enough, everyone makes poor choices at some stage yes.

 

Don't you feel that perhaps he should be more 'self-contained' as a person? Not to rely on his exes as much (or at all) as he appears to do?

 

I certainly do think he should be more self-contained. I think the interaction with his ex wife is atypical and something I really had to think about. They were childhood friends who dated, and it didn't work out. When they got married, it was as friends when he was in the army. I have never dated someone who has been in my life for my entire life. I can't imagine that I could stay friends with them after a failed romance, but I also find it hard to imagine completely removing them from my life. I've never been in that situation, so I try to reserve judgement.

 

Before he moved in with her and her beau he had several apartments with various roommates. He moved in with her in November when his roommate flaked out and he was stuck alone with a high rent he couldn't afford. He was desperate. Two weeks after moving into the house, he met me. One of the main reasons I didn't date him right off was the living situation, and I told him so. After getting to know him more, I understood more. His new job is only 5 minutes away and he pays extremely low rent (he literally can't afford to live anywhere else). To put numbers to it, a decent apartment in our area is about $600 a month, he pays only $60 (plus utilities) a month for his side of the house. As much as I'd like him to move out, I think that's going to be a while. It's not ideal, but we spend 5 nights a week together either there or at my place. So, I like that he lives close to me (15 minutes as compared to an hour away for his previous apartments).

 

When something upsets me I really try to think in terms of "what is the solution?" I was upset because he lives there, but there is no solution because he cannot afford to pay more than he is paying. So, if I continuously make a huge fuss about it, he could live with his parents or live with me. Both of those options are worse than the current. So my big fuss results in a fight, and maybe us breaking up. I don't want that, so I step back and give him space to advance in the new job and start making changes when he can. He knows where I stand, but I am not going to put constant pressure on him. The solution for this other woman he dated is to not talk to her. And, to be direct if this ever comes up again, with her or another woman. That is the solution and it can be done, easily. I won't compromise on this one.

Edited by ScienceGal
Posted

Ok, it sounds like you have this under control. I hope it works out. Maybe he just needs to grow up a little, sometimes a good woman can make a guy grow up a bit faster :)

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