Harmless text message convo with a woman he used to date?

[ScienceGal]

fixing format..

[Oxy Moronovich]

If it's a harmless convo then what's the problem? Is a harmless convo with a woman he used to date worse than a convo with a woman he could potentially date?

[ScienceGal]

My boyfriend and I met last year, but have only been dating for a few months. The same week we decided that we were going to date each other, a girl he used to date came from out of state to visit him for a week. Her visit had been planned ahead of time, but he had met me and became interested in being with me. While she visited they shared a bed, and he said that it was more awkward than anything. He claims they didn’t do anything physical, which I am not sure if I believe (though I really want to). I only know about her visit though because he told me. He has also told me other things that I would expect most people to hide and/or lie about. I am trying to value his honesty. Also, I’m trying to be understanding since he and I weren’t really together yet.

 

My problem is the way he handled the situation and what that says about him. He told me that while she was at his place he was cold and kind of mean to her. He told me she was annoying and that he had no desire to be with her. My first reaction is that I don’t think I like the fact that he was mean to her when he should’ve just been honest and direct.

 

Since this hadn’t been sitting well with me, I went through his phone this past weekend. (I know, I know… terrible thing to do). But now I need some advice. Last month she sent him a few messages to which he didn’t reply. Then a couple weeks ago there was this conversation initiated by him:

 

Him: I am sorry that I am bad at talking to you

Her: I’m not sure what that means

Him: It means that I have been ignoring you and I am sorry

Her: I knew you must have been, but why?

Him: I don’t know. I had met someone right around the time you visited and it freaked me out. I felt really horrible.

Her: Oh ok. You could have just told me. I didn’t even have to come up. Sorry I asked about us dating.

Him: I am sorry. You are totally awesome. Totally amazing. (later) Do you think we didn’t do well together?

Her: I thought we were awesome. That is why I was so confused about what’s been going on. I appreciate you telling me that you are seeing someone. I really do and I hope things go well with that and I hope we can be friends like we have been.

Him: You are the best.

Her: Not trying to step over anything right now but I have really missed not talking to you.

Him: I missed talking to you too.

Her: Will I still hear from you? Or are you just letting me know and prefer to still not talk? Just curious, I’ll respect either way.

Him: We can talk, I just feel bad.

Her: About dating someone?

Him: Yes.

Her: Don’t. I wouldn’t expect you to want to date me over someone else that lives nearby. I get it.

Him: Aww. I am sorry.

Her: I was hoping to have moved back by now. That’s one reason I came up when I did but I lost the motivation to do that ha ha. You don’t have to be sorry about dating someone else. I’m sorry I came to visit. Hope that didn’t cause any problems for you guys. I very much appreciate talking to you this morning. I had been thinking I did something to make you mad at me over these past two months but couldn’t figure out in my head why. Have a good day.

Him: You have a good day too!

 

I suppose if this conversation happened right after her visit I would be more understanding, but it happened two weeks ago. If he really is happy with me, why is he acting like a high school kid? Why text her and explain that meeting me as “freaking him out”. And why did he ask “do you think we didn’t do well together?” That one burns me. Her messages, on the other hand, seem mature. When he and I got together a guy that I used to date started contacting me. I was direct in telling him that I was seeing someone and had no intention on getting back together with him. Period. I was kind, but not “you are amazing, you are the best”. My bf using those words with her makes me feel uneasy. Not to mention that he uses those words with me, which now makes them seem less meaningful.

 

I have had all long term relationships up until a couple years ago. Over the past 2 years, it's been a rough road of meeting men that didn't treat me well. So.. I might be extra sensitive about determining if I'm going to get screwed over. But, this guy isn't like the others I have met. He is really sweet to me all of the time.. But why is he maintaining contact with a woman that wants to be more than friends?

 

I am obviously not going to tell him that I am aware of this conversation. Not yet at least. I'm just going to keep moving forward and try not to think about it.

 

Thoughts on their conversation? How would you have handled the situation if you were him? Should I just let it go or be worried about it? (and yes, I know it's horrible to snoop).

[ScienceGal]

If it's a harmless convo then what's the problem? Is a harmless convo with a woman he used to date worse than a convo with a woman he could potentially date?

 

I suppose I'm asking if it's harmless.

[Radu]

I think it was meant to be harmless by him, and he probably believes that, but i don't for the same reasons that you focused on.

I'm not sure he is over her.

 

Judging by that conversation, she might be more mature than him.

[TigerCub]

I also got the impression that he's not quite over her - and her reply in one of the texts regarding him dating someone that's close by kind of implies that you're his gf mainly because you're local and she's further away. I'm really sorry, I don't mean to be hurtful.

 

One good thing though, she seems really mature and respectful of relationships and wouldn't do something to get between the 2 of you.

 

Sorry SG.

[Oxy Moronovich]

In all yer threads I notice one common denominator: trust issues. Normally, I might say he's untrustworthy. But after reading so many of your posts, Science Gal, I come to the conclusion you may be some sort of masochist. Although many cases the men in your threads give you good reason to distrust them, you often look for reasons to distrust guys who are on the level. So it looks like you're searching for specifically looking for untrustworthy men. And when you don't find them, you find excuses not to trust guys who should be given the green light. What the hell?

[january2011]

While she visited they shared a bed

 

Hell, no.

 

This suggests to me that he has poor boundaries.

 

Dealbreaker, in my opinion.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The fact that he initiated this text convo is not encouraging.

 

I don't think this means he's not trustworthy, but he does seem to be nourishing this connection instead of leaving it behind.

 

The bed sharing would have been a deal breaker for me.

[ScienceGal]

In all yer threads I notice one common denominator: trust issues. Normally, I might say he's untrustworthy. But after reading so many of your posts, Science Gal, I come to the conclusion you may be some sort of masochist. Although many cases the men in your threads give you good reason to distrust them, you often look for reasons to distrust guys who are on the level. So it looks like you're searching for specifically looking for untrustworthy men. And when you don't find them, you find excuses not to trust guys who should be given the green light. What the hell?

 

My problem is that I wonder if I'm digging too deep sometimes in trying to find something wrong, or if I'm right to feel the way I feel. I honestly don't know. Is this conversation between them so bad or isn't it?

 

It's easier to see things clearly when it's not happening to you.

[shayla]

I'm not feeling good about this either, trust your intuition.

[ScienceGal]

The fact that he initiated this text convo is not encouraging.

 

I don't think this means he's not trustworthy, but he does seem to be nourishing this connection instead of leaving it behind.

 

The bed sharing would have been a deal breaker for me.

 

Yeah, I used to do the 'nourishing the connection' thing too, until I grew up and realized it's selfish and immature.

 

I noticed they became facebook friends and he deleted the post on his timeline, but not the newsfeed. I mentioned to him that I noticed (the friend adding, not that it seemed he was hiding it). He told me he had spoken to her that morning and told her about me (which I now realize was a lie since he clearly told her in the text about me) I'm not sure who initiated the call or what was talked about.

 

Part of me feels like I should just admit to snooping.

[Alma Mobley]

Sorry, but reading that convo gave me the impression that he is not over her. A man committed to you would not engage in that type of conversation. When my husband (boyfriend at the time) started dating me, he cut all interested women off, and believe me when I say there were a few hanging around. Since then, he has had coworkers flirting with him, or seem to have crushes on him. How does he respond to their messages? Silence. He can't be bothered because they don't really register on his radar.

 

This woman means something to him, and that is why he keeps responding to her. I'd be cautious, but if it were me, I'd walk away because I don't have time for that kind of thing.

 

Best of luck.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's not the content of the texting that is harmful or harmless. It's the fact that he is doing it.

 

I probably would advise you to go ahead and admit to snooping, knowing that this could cause him to break up with you. But you cannot go forward in a positive way with this relationship and pretend you did not read what you read, and that it is not having an effect on you.

 

You must have been feeling insecure and doubtful before reading it, or else why would you have been snooping in the first place?

 

It does seem like some honest and open communication is in order, for both of you. It might be make or break time for this relationship.

[ScienceGal]

It's not the content of the texting that is harmful or harmless. It's the fact that he is doing it.

 

I probably would advise you to go ahead and admit to snooping, knowing that this could cause him to break up with you. But you cannot go forward in a positive way with this relationship and pretend you did not read what you read, and that it is not having an effect on you.

 

You must have been feeling insecure and doubtful before reading it, or else why would you have been snooping in the first place?

 

It does seem like some honest and open communication is in order, for both of you. It might be make or break time for this relationship.

 

I was feeling insecure and that is why I looked. He was upfront with me about her visit, but I didn't like the way he said he treated her while she was there, and when I told him that he didn't have anything to say. I felt like he was lying.

 

Since there hasn't been any texting in 2 weeks maybe he just chose a really really poor way to tell her he was seeing someone? Ugh.

 

I know I'll end up telling him. I can't sit on things like this, even though sometimes I'd like to.

[d'Arthez]

Then better tell him as soon as you can. Else not only communication may break down, but the longer he thinks you know, the more paranoid he will be about you snooping (he may think you have gone through all his stuff for weeks, if you are not careful).

[matte123]

Judging from he conversation, it seems that he's not completely over her. Also it's suspicious that he's not honest about his interactions with her. He shouldn't have to hide things like his facebook friending post. Also it's weird that he slept in the same bed as his ex. Couldn't he have slept on the floor or on a couch? I don't understand that. A lot of flags in my opinion. Trust your intuition on this matter. Good luck.

[ScienceGal]

Also a part of me wonders how this would be different if it was a new woman and not someone he dated. I'd like to think he definitely wouldn't entertain this kind of communication with someone new.

 

She posted something on his Facebook wall today. To me that indicates they're not private messaging, i could be wrong. Either way, I see this as an opportunity to ask him if he intends to remain friends with her. That will open a discussion about our differences in how we view ex lovers and their role in new relationships.

[FrustratedStandards]

Why are you looking through his phone?!?!?!?

[verhrzn]

I dunno, this is a tough one for me. He might not be over her, but he might also be trying to clear the air and be friendly with an ex that he no longer has feelings for. He might genuinely feel bad for never adequately explaining the situation to her, especially since she seems to be a mature and considerate person.

 

I would reserve judgement for now, and keep an eye out for future behaviors. If he continues to talk to her about their almost-relationship, or texting/talking to her more than normal, then it's a good bet he's not over her. If, however, the two of them just have friendly chats, then this was just a "clear the air, let's be friends" talk, which I think displays a growth of maturity and compassion on the part of your guy.

[january2011]

Also a part of me wonders how this would be different if it was a new woman and not someone he dated.

 

Bed-sharing with a new woman?

 

I think they're both just as bad. I'm surprised that you're focusing on the conversation rather than the bed-sharing.

[Alma Mobley]

Also a part of me wonders how this would be different if it was a new woman and not someone he dated. I'd like to think he definitely wouldn't entertain this kind of communication with someone new.

 

She posted something on his Facebook wall today. To me that indicates they're not private messaging, i could be wrong. Either way, I see this as an opportunity to ask him if he intends to remain friends with her. That will open a discussion about our differences in how we view ex lovers and their role in new relationships.

 

FB postings mean nothing. But oh why are you wondering how he would act if you were a "new woman." You ARE the new woman and he is having this kind of convo with his ex. I am sorry, but men who are really into you don't keep talking to their exes like that (or keeping other women on the back burner). They don't!

 

I am getting the impression that you have not been treated very well relationship-wise. I would not accept a man talking to his ex that way while dating him, and this from someone who dated men who were friends with exes whom I had no problem with. There is a reason that exchange bothers you. What is your intuition telling you here, ScienceGal?

[verhrzn]

Bed-sharing with a new woman?

 

I think they're both just as bad. I'm surprised that you're focusing on the conversation rather than the bed-sharing.

 

The bed-sharing, if I'm understanding the timeline right, happened before they were exclusive, right?

[Almond_Joy]

Hey SG.

 

I agree with most here - he's not setting clear boundaries with this woman and he's not over her. He seems to be pretty open with you, which is a good sign.

 

I'd also recommend telling him you saw the texts. It'll be uncomfortable , but it's just going to eat you up and make you more paranoid until you do. I take your comment about their facebook interactions as evidence of that.

 

Don't let what you see of their FB communications sway how much you trust him until you two have talked about this.

 

If you've already established that you want a committed long-term relationship, and he's agreed, you need to tell him how much her being over bothered you. That's a legitimate reason to be upset, even if she hadn't slept in his bed (not cool, btw - if he didn't have space he should have slept on the floor IMO. No excuse for that at all.)

 

Why did she make a trip out just to see him? Were they work buddies, or friends prior? Was she there on other business? So far she's shown herself to be respectful of your relationship, which is great.

 

I don't think that you should hesitate to bring up your uneasiness just because you're aware that you have trust issues. This isn't a situation where your distrust is inaproppriate or unjustified. He's raised some major red flags in his relationship with this woman.

 

That text convo established all that these two need to say to each other, IMO. If he feels bad about continuing to talk to her, and she's asking if it's OK for them to keep talking, it's because they both know that the intimacy they share is inappropriate when one or both of them are in a committed relationship with someone else.

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted .

[mtber75]

My boyfriend and I met last year, but have only been dating for a few months. The same week we decided that we were going to date each other, a girl he used to date came from out of state to visit him for a week. Her visit had been planned ahead of time, but he had met me and became interested in being with me. While she visited they shared a bed, and he said that it was more awkward than anything. He claims they didn’t do anything physical, which I am not sure if I believe (though I really want to). I only know about her visit though because he told me. He has also told me other things that I would expect most people to hide and/or lie about. I am trying to value his honesty. Also, I’m trying to be understanding since he and I weren’t really together yet.

 

My problem is the way he handled the situation and what that says about him. He told me that while she was at his place he was cold and kind of mean to her. He told me she was annoying and that he had no desire to be with her. My first reaction is that I don’t think I like the fact that he was mean to her when he should’ve just been honest and direct.

 

Since this hadn’t been sitting well with me, I went through his phone this past weekend. (I know, I know… terrible thing to do). But now I need some advice. Last month she sent him a few messages to which he didn’t reply. Then a couple weeks ago there was this conversation initiated by him:

 

Him: I am sorry that I am bad at talking to you

Her: I’m not sure what that means

Him: It means that I have been ignoring you and I am sorry

Her: I knew you must have been, but why?

Him: I don’t know. I had met someone right around the time you visited and it freaked me out. I felt really horrible.

Her: Oh ok. You could have just told me. I didn’t even have to come up. Sorry I asked about us dating.

Him: I am sorry. You are totally awesome. Totally amazing. (later) Do you think we didn’t do well together?

Her: I thought we were awesome. That is why I was so confused about what’s been going on. I appreciate you telling me that you are seeing someone. I really do and I hope things go well with that and I hope we can be friends like we have been.

Him: You are the best.

Her: Not trying to step over anything right now but I have really missed not talking to you.

Him: I missed talking to you too.

Her: Will I still hear from you? Or are you just letting me know and prefer to still not talk? Just curious, I’ll respect either way.

Him: We can talk, I just feel bad.

Her: About dating someone?

Him: Yes.

Her: Don’t. I wouldn’t expect you to want to date me over someone else that lives nearby. I get it.

Him: Aww. I am sorry.

Her: I was hoping to have moved back by now. That’s one reason I came up when I did but I lost the motivation to do that ha ha. You don’t have to be sorry about dating someone else. I’m sorry I came to visit. Hope that didn’t cause any problems for you guys. I very much appreciate talking to you this morning. I had been thinking I did something to make you mad at me over these past two months but couldn’t figure out in my head why. Have a good day.

Him: You have a good day too!

 

I suppose if this conversation happened right after her visit I would be more understanding, but it happened two weeks ago. If he really is happy with me, why is he acting like a high school kid? Why text her and explain that meeting me as “freaking him out”. And why did he ask “do you think we didn’t do well together?” That one burns me. Her messages, on the other hand, seem mature. When he and I got together a guy that I used to date started contacting me. I was direct in telling him that I was seeing someone and had no intention on getting back together with him. Period. I was kind, but not “you are amazing, you are the best”. My bf using those words with her makes me feel uneasy. Not to mention that he uses those words with me, which now makes them seem less meaningful.

 

I have had all long term relationships up until a couple years ago. Over the past 2 years, it's been a rough road of meeting men that didn't treat me well. So.. I might be extra sensitive about determining if I'm going to get screwed over. But, this guy isn't like the others I have met. He is really sweet to me all of the time.. But why is he maintaining contact with a woman that wants to be more than friends?

 

I am obviously not going to tell him that I am aware of this conversation. Not yet at least. I'm just going to keep moving forward and try not to think about it.

 

Thoughts on their conversation? How would you have handled the situation if you were him? Should I just let it go or be worried about it? (and yes, I know it's horrible to snoop).

 

Oh brother...What a sorry bag of sh@t! Your bf clearly still have feeling for his ex. "Freaking out" means that he is confused about whether to choose you or get back with the ex! But this may be just some kinda of feel good talk amongst friends? You should prob him some more about his ex. Tell him directly if he still have feels for the ex? After that its up to you to decide!