kimberelly Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hello, My ex boyfriend and I dated for 6 months, I'm 27 and he's 35. We met about a year ago in a local venue where we were both playing music. After that he touched base with me on facebook and we remained in somewhat distant contact. I got a message from him saying he was thinking of moving to my area and asked me what my plans were. I didn't think a whole lot of it but one night in August my roommate and I went out to listen to some music and saw him playing there! So random, he lived in Indiana at the time but came down to play for the weekend. He came down another time that month to take me out for my birthday. We end up exchanging numbers and talked over the phone for a month before he moved here in September. After he moved here we were pretty much inseparable. We spent nearly every day together. He was at my house so much to the point that my roommate asked if he wanted to just move in. After some time I started feeling depressed, we would get into arguments every night nearly about one issue or the other. He was not a very affectionate guy, after the first month he started backing away sexually and we would only have sex once every couple of weeks or less. He stopped complimenting me like he use to and I began to wonder if there was something I was doing. He said it was nothing personal, that's just how he is. He said he came from an abusive home and he has a lot of issue with physical intimacy, he said it scares and disgusts him sometimes, and that it's not that he doesn't like it, he just prefers to do it every once in a while not to take it forgranted. He was very negative and started putting me down about my choices with school, money, everything seemed like he was nitpicking. He started showing his ability to get angry and carry a temper. If I ever tried to talk to him about relationship issues he would blow up and tell me I was being dramatic and that he didn't want to talk about anything. It got to the point that I was feeling hurt and rejected. He told me eventually he had really high walls. I ended up breaking up with him because I just couldn't understand his drastic change in sexual behavior (and no, he wasn't cheating) and his anger when it came to resolving issues that are normally simple conversations. So it's been 3 months since we've broken up. He tells me he still has feelings for me but that he doesn't think it would work between us. He has been actually, a lot kinder and a really good friend over the past month or so. I have been wanting to give it another shot and he keeps giving me mixed signals. He says he has feelings, calls everyday, and wants to hang out at least a few times a week. Then when I tell him that I'd like to make things work between us again he says he can't make any promises and that he doesn't think it will work. I am trying to be mature and respectful of the fact that he is reaching out to be my friend but it's hard. He doesn't make a lot of effort to reach out to me in a physical way, but if I grab to hold his hand he will hold it, or give me a kiss goodbye etc. We have not had sex in 3 months and neither of us are dating anyone else. I don't know if there's another chance or not but it has been rather painful to feel rejected, even though he has been a good friend. Is there anything I can do? Or should I stop having hope?
chemar22 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Kimberelly, it sounds like you're in a tough situation. Nobody wants to feel rejected but getting mixed signals is way too confusing as well. Unfortunately it's human nature to not try hard if the other party is doing all of the work. In other words, he doesn't have to give you any attention unless he feels like it, because you are the one initiating the contact. Maybe just being friends is all you can ever expect out of him. He pretty much told you that himself. At least in that dept. he seems honest. Hoping for something that may never happen is just wasting your time. Decide if just being friends is good enough for you, but I wouldn't hold my breath for anything more than that. What would happen if you stopped all contact with him? Do you think he would pursue you or just fade away? If it's the latter, you know there wasn't anything solid to build a relationship on anyway. I read some posts on HowToGetMyExBackHQ.com | How To Get My Ex Back HQ and learned a lot after I went through a situation similar to yours. Good Luck!
Gulf-Delta Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) So it's been 3 months since we've broken up. He tells me he still has feelings for me but that he doesn't think it would work between us. He has been actually, a lot kinder and a really good friend over the past month or so. I have been wanting to give it another shot and he keeps giving me mixed signals. He says he has feelings, calls everyday, and wants to hang out at least a few times a week. Then when I tell him that I'd like to make things work between us again he says he can't make any promises and that he doesn't think it will work. I am trying to be mature and respectful of the fact that he is reaching out to be my friend but it's hard. He doesn't make a lot of effort to reach out to me in a physical way, but if I grab to hold his hand he will hold it, or give me a kiss goodbye etc. We have not had sex in 3 months and neither of us are dating anyone else. I don't know if there's another chance or not but it has been rather painful to feel rejected, even though he has been a good friend. Is there anything I can do? Or should I stop having hope? I don't know if the hope you feel is legitimate or not. I'm holding onto hope for my ex too, though we both maybe clinging to something in our ex's behavior that we may be misinterpreting. My ex says she'd love to be friends with me, and she says I can't be replaced, she's just going through a different stage of life....that she basically wanted a change of scenery...."something new" and I know the "real her" and I should "understand what's going on".... But it's possible your ex is easing his own pain as well. My ex behaved very much in the same way...came over everyday, came by for dinner, would hold my hand, even slept in my bed...she seemed legitimately interested somewhat....until she started dating someone else. Then all of that stopped abruptly. Edited May 23, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Author kimberelly Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I don't know if the hope you feel is legitimate or not. I'm holding onto hope for my ex too, though we both maybe clinging to something in our ex's behavior that we may be misinterpreting. My ex says she'd love to be friends with me, and she says I can't be replaced, she's just going through a different stage of life....that she basically wanted a change of scenery...."something new" and I know the "real her" and I should "understand what's going on".... But it's possible your ex is easing his own pain as well. My ex behaved very much in the same way...came over everyday, came by for dinner, would hold my hand, even slept in my bed...she seemed legitimately interested somewhat....until she started dating someone else. Then all of that stopped abruptly. Ouch. Yeah, I heard the same about him going through a different stage in his life. He says he has to take things day by day and can't predict whether or not things will work out between us. Although he in the same breath will tell me he still has feelings for me. I've told him that I do have feelings for him and that it is hard to be his friend and that I wanted to know seriously if he was done with a chance at a relationship or not. He says he still wants me in his life but he won't budge on answers, except for saying a solid friendship must be in place first. I told him right now it would really break my heart if I found out he was dating someone else, and he assures me he's not interested in dating other people. Which really means very little to me since he has no promises... I don't know if I should just chalk it up and accept the friendship, and just give up on hope for more.
Gulf-Delta Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) Ouch. Yeah, I heard the same about him going through a different stage in his life. He says he has to take things day by day and can't predict whether or not things will work out between us. Although he in the same breath will tell me he still has feelings for me. I've told him that I do have feelings for him and that it is hard to be his friend and that I wanted to know seriously if he was done with a chance at a relationship or not. He says he still wants me in his life but he won't budge on answers, except for saying a solid friendship must be in place first. I told him right now it would really break my heart if I found out he was dating someone else, and he assures me he's not interested in dating other people. Which really means very little to me since he has no promises... I don't know if I should just chalk it up and accept the friendship, and just give up on hope for more. If you can handle being just a friend, go for it. I thought I could too, but at the time, I hated her for come over and sleeping in my bed with me, only to be emotionally distant. I couldn't handle being her friend without any sort of emotional commitment, so I went NC and all that managed to do was push her into another man's arms, apparantly. Now I regret pushing her away. It really hurt her, and now she's taking her pain out on some unsuspecting sap who can't handle her. She's dating some random guy, and one of them is gonna get hurt. She has lots of insecurities, and most guys would (and have) run for the hills....but I never did, because I loved her that much. She's has a shell on now, but on days when she breaks down because she thinks she's "ugly" is he gonna be able to fix it? She says she's happy, but I can tell in her voice, something isn't right. BUT, I'm getting off the topic here.... It's so hard to give up hope and I really can't bring myself to give up. I'm surrounded by stories of "true love conquers all" and all of that. My friends and family have so many success stories about reuniting after breakups and stuff, that it makes me feel hopeful. Also, before her new "stage of life" (which popped out out of nowhere) we never had a SINGLE fight in our 2 year relationship. Not one. No resentment. No anger. We loved each other so much. On our anniversary, Dec. 11, she made me a card with the most incredible heartfelt things I've ever read written inside. "You're the most amazing person I've ever met," "I love you and always will," "we're soulmates" on and on, etc. And then she left on Jan 30. When I initiated NC in April, she cried, begged me not to go, etc. Because of how great our relationship was, and her feelings toward me even at the end, I feel like I can't give up on something that was so perfect. I mean, we had our issues, mostly financial, plus pressure of school and work, but I thought our love was strong enough to make it through something as stupid as money problems. I, myself, still retain hope. I just can't bring myself to let go and give up on something that was so...right. Edited May 24, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Recommended Posts