She slept with another man, and didn't tell me, or plan to.

[faux]

I suppose I have had a long night. I was on the phone with a girl have been dating for a while, and she received another call. She promptly asked if she could call me back, and took an hour in doing that. She never answers the other line, and never talks so long on the phone. I also noticed, the last time we saw each other, she seemed distant.

 

It turns out that she has been seeing someone that she works with, and she likes him a lot. We are, and have been of course, free to go out on dates with other people, and I did agree that I did not want to hear about it. What brought about the problems I am coping with now, is a comment that I made.

 

When she mentioned it was a guy from work, I asked, "Is this another one who wants to have sex with you?", in a joking fashion. She got a bit silent, and I got a bit worried. It turns out that she did have sex with him, twice in one evening, just last week, likes him a lot, and has been spending a lot of time with him.

 

To me, sex is something you share with only one person at a time, for safety reasons as well as moral reasons. I had thought she was in complete agreement to this, but apparently she is only in agreement to one person at a time if you are in a relationship that is exclusive. Right now, she likes him as she likes me, and has known him for a few months.

 

The problem is: Her having sex with someone else, and not planning to tell me when she and I were going to have sex again, bothers me. If I sleep with her, I'm technically sleeping with HIM, and all his past partners. She can date all she wants, but I need to know about new partners.

 

This did upset me greatly, and I told her it did. She did specifically tell me that yes, she still wants to be intimate with me, and that she views me as more than just a friend. Seeing as what she said was very specific, and when I asked her about it her response was again the same, and very specific, I believe her on those two things. We are making plans to see one another this upcoming week, and to spend an evening alone hopefully.

 

Still, I do not know how I feel. I do not know how this other guy would feel if he knew she is dating me at the same time, and also being intimate with me. She and I have both been on other dates, but her actually becoming intimate with someone else, and having no plan to tell me before we became intimate again, really bothered me. It's an unsafe world out there, and I do not want to risk my health.

 

She has a right to do what she is doing, but I am upset she did not tell me she had another partner. I'm confused as to my feelings now, and I thought I knew her very well after five years. He lives closer, and he works with her, and he can pop over any time he feels like. I have to drive twenty minutes to see her.

 

It just seems that so many things we specifically agreed on went out the window, and I confronted her about the work situation. She had told me that it is always unwise to become involved with someone that you work with. Her response was simply that she was confused, and upset, and wanted to go to sleep. And that she thought it best for us to have some "space".

 

I informed her that "space" means "Not seeing you anymore. At all. End of story.", to which she replied that is not what she meant. She likes this guy a lot, but also likes me. She is not looking for a serious relationship, and still does view me as more than a friend. She wants to spend time with me, and she cares for me. I am left in utter confusion here.

 

Things have been stressful for me lately as it is, and I had been phoning her every day the past week. She would like it if I cooled off on that a little, to which I am happy to oblige. Seeing as I was upset, if she did not call me during that time she felt guilty, which was and is not my intention.

 

Now she is confused, and I am confused, and she did not seem to want to talk. I mentioned that something similar to her situation happened with me a week ago, and she then started to get very upset. I did not sleep with the person, or become intimate with them at all, but nonetheless she became upset, when she is now sleeping with someone else.

 

It's all so confusing.

 

My plans are to phone her tomorrow evening and find out what nights she has open to see me. She told me she has no problem getting intimate with me one of those nights if I wanted it, but I'm really no longer sure I want that with her, seeing as she is sleeping with someone else now. I just want to find out when she wants to spend time with me, and just leave it at that. I agree that I want to talk to her over the phone less often for a while, but I'm still confused as to what else I want to do, or should do.

 

If we were in an exclusive relationship, she would never have even considered sleeping with anyone else. However, we are not, and apparently when I saw her the last few times she had the impression I was taking it as "just friends". I am not going to kiss her, or become sexual with her when we are spending the day with her two year old son.

 

There are communication issues here I need to mend. I need to find out a way to get her to TELL ME about her feelings, or what she is perceiving in our situation. I need to decide if I want to still date her, or even be intimate with her any longer. She has the right, but I'm still shocked she didn't mention something important like that to me. God forbid he has something unknowingly, gave it to her, and then I'd catch it. Condoms don't prevent everything.

 

I've known this girl for five years, and I don't want to throw that away. I also like being intimate with her, and going out on dates with her. I suppose I have thinking to do. I won't know until I see her again, so I can't make a full decision until that time. There are just certain things I feel I need to witness for myself with her in person, alone.

 

Sigh.

[murasaki]

OK... here's what I see:

 

1. Of course you should be disturbed about her sleeping with another guy concurrent to sleeping with you. Of course there are the health considerations, and the implications about intimacy or lack thereof. And of course there's a worrisome element of both deception and bad judgement on her part by doing this and not telling you about it. She did not have the right to do so, regardless of whether or not you two are exclusive. Regardless of whether such info might be a mood-killer.

 

But I see more than just that:

 

2. Anyone in your situation would be angry about her sleeping with another person without informing you that she's sexually active w/other people. They wouldn't have to check in with other people to see if it's OK to be upset about that. Moreover, anyone in your position would ALSO be angry about her terminating a call with you to take a call from him. They work together and thus see each other frequently. It's not like he was calling long-distance and thus a call from him had greater urgency. And when the second calls coming through were from you (while she was talking to him) she didn't feel the need to pick up. I would be just as pissed off about that as about her sleeping w/someone else. I would take that as a very clear indication that he ranks higher than you do. I would not find that to be acceptable. Not something to question or argue about. Just a deal-breaker, plain and simple.

 

3. You're in a bit of crisis and have been leaning a bit on her -- by calling her every day. Wow, what a clingy guy you are, it's no wonder she was annoyed. A phone call every day -- it's practically unheard of. You hear the sarcasm, right? OK, maybe she didn't feel she could help you shoulder your troubles -- but there's no way that should be used as any kind of justification for her to a) sleep with another guy, and b)not tell you about it. Um, exactly how does that alleviate the situation she's apparently troubled by (you calling her everyday to talk about your woes)? And more importantly, how does that indicate that she cares about you and sees you as "more than a friend?"

 

I think you're only allowing yourself to be upset about the things you think you "have a right" to be upset about. But I think the hurt goes well beyond her sleeping with another guy. I think you've got fairly clear-cut evidence that this woman is not a good person to be involved with. It sounds like she's irresponsible, thoughtless, and self-centered at a minimum. Sounds like she's got a lot of issues, and has a lot of growing up to do -- which is unfortunate since she's got a young child. It also sounds like you really like her a lot and are willing to make excuses, play games like "since we're not exclusively dating each other I have no 'reason' to be upset with the fact that she blew me off to talk to another guy," and generally turn a blind eye to the fact that this woman seems to be jerking you around.

 

Good luck. My advice would be to end things with her, probably including the friendship. This is just not respectful behavior. Whatever her issues are, she's not treating you well. But I get the feeling you're far from able to let her go... so do whatever you can to protect yourself from her. Find other people to confide in and rely on. Date other women (but don't sleep with them if you're sleeping w/her, not fair to them). If you can't eliminate her from your life right now, at least try to open up some other avenues of support, etc., so that perhaps eventually you will be able to extricate yourself from this entanglement. I doubt she's going to get better any time soon.

[Leikela]

Murasaki is right on the money!!! I won't repeat what was said by reiterating Murasaki's post but I feel the same way. You have so much love to give and are a good person so why are you wasting your time pining over a girl that obviously is not available? It's quite evident that she prefer's this new co-worker over you. You deserve so much more.

 

You seem like you're ready for a committed relationship, so why not find one with a girl that is ready? It doesn't seem like this girl will be ready anytime soon. She had a kid at an early age and probably feels that she missed out on some of her partying years so she's making up for it now.

 

Sleeping with 2 different people is a serious situation so I would not recommend getting any more involved in that. You must really love this girl if you're willing to put up with everything. You've known her for 5 years and you're "just dating"? Trust me, I've been in this situation and couldn't date/sleep with 2 guys for very long because emotions do take over. If she truly cared for you, she wouldn't be sleeping with another guy. Plain and simple. Protect your heart. It seems like she's only going to break it.

[faux]

After getting some sleep, and calming down, I re-read my post. I posted while I was upset, so not everything came out all too right. Enough of it, however, did.

 

I agree with what you both have said. There were some points of mine that I believe were misinterpreted, or points that I simply did not phrase well. Namely, that for several months we would talk every other evening, as we have known each other some time. But yes, lately, I was calling everyone I know far more often than usual, in an attempt to get out, hang out, or talk because of things I have been going through.

 

I definitely agree with what you have said. This guy is convenient, he's new, and he's going to be interesting to her. She contacted me again since last night, and informed me of the same supposed things: She views me as more than a friend, and still wants to be intimate.

 

This is what I think: She hasn't exactly been treating me as though I am more than a friend, or all too wonderful of a friend the past two weeks. I do not want to be intimate with her if she wants to be intimate with others. We were dating, and some respect I should think comes with that territory.

 

It is best for me to pursue other options, and to focus on finalizing my goals that I have set for myself. I am not nearly as bothered as I could be by this, and the longer I hang around the worse I will get, and that's just no good for me! I would like to think that I am a wonderful person, have something to offer, and am decent-looking.

 

If I hang around I'm just going to set myself up for getting hurt again, and this I do not want.

[Leikela]

Yes, from reading many of your posts, you are a wonderful person, have a lot to offer and are a good looking guy. There is a girl out there that was made for you and is waiting for all you have to offer her and is waiting to give you the same in return. You deserve it!!

[HoldOn]

Yes, you can definitely do better than this.

 

Why were you in this "open" relationship to begin with?

[tiki]

If you send her flowers to the workplace, he might find out about you, eh? LOL, but she doesn't deserve flowers it doesn't sound like...

 

You deserve a woman that can fully commit and devote herself to you...*IF* this is what you want. Do you like/want to casually date? If I'm sleeping with someone, that person BETTER NOT be dating anyone but me! Sex is a commited act to me. I don't have sex outside of a relationship. No relationship, no sex. But if you're just casually dating, does that mean that you're casually screwing too? See, where do you draw the line? Did she really do anything wrong if there's no commitment? How can you expect for her to be commited to you when there's no commitment? I'm confuZed.

[faux]

Originally posted by HoldOn

Yes, you can definitely do better than this.

 

Why were you in this "open" relationship to begin with?

 

 

Dating does not mean exclusively dating. We were in a dating relationship, and free to see other people. When we became intimate, we did specifically agree that we would be intimate with only one another. We hadn't seen one another for a while, and due to her inability to communicate, she thought that I was stepping things down to "just friends" again.

 

So she met someone she thought was nice while dating, and became intimate with him. Part of the big problem is her lack of communication. I didn't know she thought I was calling too much the past week and a half, and I didn't know she "thought" I was losing interest, until last night.

 

I don't want to be in an "open" relationship. If keep dating her, that is what it is going to be, and I don't want that. I didn't care if she would go to dance with someone, or go see a movie or something, as I've done that too. It was the intimacy factor that upset me.

 

Her becoming upset about a date that almost became hot and steamy with me confused me even more. She has no idea what she wants.

 

Originally posted by tikibrandy

If you send her flowers to the workplace, he might find out about you, eh? LOL, but she doesn't deserve flowers it doesn't sound like...

 

She wants me to bring her flowers to work in person. Heck, maybe she was hinting that she wanted me to do that to somehow show this other guy he's not alone, as it was around that time she was seeing him she told me to bring flowers to her work. Again, she's confused and that's bad. I'm not going to wait around to get hurt.

 

If he found out about me I'm sure he'd flip, too, to find out that he's not the only one she was having sex with.

 

You deserve a woman that can fully commit and devote herself to you...*IF* this is what you want. Do you like/want to casually date?

 

I'm fine with casually dating other people, but I'm interested in working my way up to exclusivity if I can find someone I feel I can trust, and is worth it.

 

If I'm sleeping with someone, that person BETTER NOT be dating anyone but me! Sex is a commited act to me. I don't have sex outside of a relationship. No relationship, no sex. But if you're just casually dating, does that mean that you're casually screwing too?

 

The way that I view it, is that sex is something shared between two people who care for one another, and trust one another and know one another very well. I can date someone non-exclusively, and have sex with her. I would expect, however, that we would be having sex with ONLY each other. Coffee and movies on the side are fine, so long as everything is agreed upon.

 

I thought this was agreed upon, but apparently not.

 

See, where do you draw the line? Did she really do anything wrong if there's no commitment? How can you expect for her to be commited to you when there's no commitment? I'm confuZed.

 

I draw the line at sleeping with someone else, because she "thought that I was interested in being only friends, as the last few times we hung out it seemed that way", without asking me about how I felt. We were in agreement that we would sleep with only each other, but she neglected to ask me if I had changed my mind about wanting to sleep with her anymore, and decided for herself how I felt.

 

I didn't expect her to be committed to me, aside from our agreement to stay safe and have only one partner — each other. We fully discussed what we were getting into months ago, what was acceptable and what was not. I hope I have lessened your confusion.

[tiki]

Yeah, see, the bottom line is that you guys had an agreement and she broke her end of the deal. Believe it or not, you guys did have somewhat of a commitment. You commited to her to not have sex with anyone else. She commited to you the same. She flubbed up. She doesn't deserve you anymore. If she wants you, it should be on your terms from now on.

 

The flowers thing is a game, faux. She wants you to BRING her flowers so that the other guy will get jealous. She doesn't want you to HAVE DELIVERED flowers because she knows that she's not worthy of your big bucks for the flowers. I did that once to an ex and it worked brilliantly. Don't fall for that crap. You're too smart!

 

I'd write her off until she could commit fully. Nobody gets your bod for free.

[faux]

Originally posted by tikibrandy

Yeah, see, the bottom line is that you guys had an agreement and she broke her end of the deal. Believe it or not, you guys did have somewhat of a commitment. You commited to her to not have sex with anyone else. She commited to you the same. She flubbed up. She doesn't deserve you anymore. If she wants you, it should be on your terms from now on.

 

The flowers thing is a game, faux. She wants you to BRING her flowers so that the other guy will get jealous. She doesn't want you to HAVE DELIVERED flowers because she knows that she's not worthy of your big bucks for the flowers. I did that once to an ex and it worked brilliantly. Don't fall for that crap. You're too smart!

 

I'd write her off until she could commit fully. Nobody gets your bod for free.

 

I agree with all of that. Right now I am still dealing with some residual stress, coming from dealing with college, job, side job, friends, and family. I'm going to try to focus on that, because honestly she's only making it worse. I'd rather let time pass, and have someone meet me who is going to be a bit more supportive, and well, able to keep her word I suppose.

 

The problem is, that she is now going to become upset that I am distancing, do not feel comfortable seeing her, or speaking with her. That is not my problem though, but I can tell you she won't handle it well. How will I handle it? She only has my cellular phone, which makes it quite easy. Now believing that this is the right thing to do... That will take some time to settle in for me.