Highly Ironic - Online Dating vs. Real Life Dating

[Mrlonelyone]

OP tell me if this is right. You are noticing that some women simply will not pick a man due to option overload. They have sooo many options available that they just don't want to choose anyone. No man is ever good enough (Case in point woman in a small town who seems to turn he nose up at small town men...but will not date anyone outside her rural county.)

 

________________

How this plays out in the LGBT community is similar to a small town.

 

Only 1-2% of people are LGBTI (intersex born with physical or chromosomal differences). We all are connected to the same community organizations, go to the same clubs and bars, take part in the same events. People get to know what kind of person you are through the grapevine. A bad rep can kill your options really quick.

 

I lived in a small town for about 5 years and it was the same way. Everyone had an idea of who had done who and when. You could be assured that someone you know would have had sex with your future wife/husband. That said, people knew how to get along better there.

 

They could not just be a jerk to someone without real social consequences.

 

Oh and in such communities online dating is almost useless for anything but finding a someone to hook up with.

[irc333]

Another Average

 

Average but pretty

 

Another Average but pretty

 

Perhaps I posted a bad example, I actually didn't expect BOTH to be put in the same category, I was put off guard there.

 

There are some non-athletic, few extra pounds women out there that would probably be put in the Average category, due to their extra weight. (But not too much).

 

Not sure how we got on this covnersation, but I don't want to post every picture on the internet to prove a point. lol

[udolipixie]

Though unfortunate, do you think that the men that followed said advice was a catalyst for the grim end result?

 

Usually, they "settled" with the guy who was abusive or a substance user, as opposed to the "clean cut" guy.

 

I'm sure this didn't happen with women who "settled' on a guy that was less that 6 feet tall. I'm sure they didn't kill themselves on the height difference there.

 

I'm sure some may have followed the advice, and said, "Okay, I'm 40, time to get reasonable and date the shorter guy that asked me out a month ago."

 

I'm sure THOSE didn't end in such unfortunate circumstances? I'm just saying, a person cannot be completely miserable with someone who was a couple of inches short of that woman's height criteria or nose size.

 

The author is suggesting to have SOME kind of wiggle room in their criteria, and should not be set in stone.

No I don't think the guys that they chose were a catalyst for the grim end result. I think the unhealthy unfilled dissatisfied relationship with a guy they had no to low attraction for was.

 

What you're correct on is that they didn't kill themselves on height difference as they killed themselves because they unhappy settling and saw suicide as an appropriate means.

 

The rest of your assumptions and what you're sure on is incorrect:

They settled for the under clean cut guy- nice and had a job, car, and house aka a guy who fulfilled the default expectations of an adult human being.

 

This did happen with gals that settled for guys under 6 feet tall as none of the guys were 6 feet tall.

 

None of the gals said "Okay, I'm 40, time to get reasonable and date the shorter guy that asked me out a month ago" it was more like I'm:

20s: I'm a gal and I have an expiration date time to essentially sell my youth/beauty to the highest bidder.

30s-40s: I'm a gal post her expiration date time to get a guy who fulfills the default expectations of a human being.

[irc333]

Yeah, it seems more and more people prefer to date COMPLETE strangers, they're afraid of risk and lack self-confidence.

 

But, the idea of it not working out, and then not seeing them ever again in any setting, is more appealing to them.

 

People are finding more and more reasons not to DATE someone that they see on a routine basis.

 

Ie - the Gym being a more common one. Then social circles, which is how people USED to meet and date and even get married.

 

Wonder if people refuse to date the same people they're in class with in college? lol

 

But if you're not going to date someone in the same outdoors group as you (common interests there) you're being unrealistic.

 

 

 

 

I just had a discussion about this with my friend, he prefers dating online because they are complete strangers. I told him that won't it be more awkward to date a complete stranger? He said that if he dates friends and it doesn't work out it"ll be very uncomfortable. So he sees the glass half empty here. I see the positive in dating a "friend." Isn't it the point to date someone who shares the same interests as you and a opposite sex friend is the most logical choice. My friend just don't believe that men and females can be just friends...That's bullsh*t!

[Mme. Chaucer]

The basis for "dating by default"...is also based about "Settling for Mr Good Enough" which doesn't mean lowering your standards, and not about finding a perfect partner NOT the perfect person. It's about finding reasonable expectations

 

First, I agree that the overload of options and the "shopping" aspect of looking for a partner in our culture right now is not healthy or helpful for most of us. Not only where dating is concerned, either. The "consumer" mentality has run amok. Those who get hooked into it are always looking for the next better thing.

 

BUT. There are lots of people who REQUIRE a "feeling" about a person in order to view that person as a potential partner. That person being "within reason" is not going to make the feeling happen. I'm like that, I have always been like that. OLD has not made a bit of difference.

 

And, I think there are people who are NOT like that. People who really want companionship / sex and will be happy and relieved getting it from a wide range of people who fall within certain parameters. No special feeling required.

 

I do believe that many of the second type might be that way mostly from a lack of experience, though. Over time, their relationship that did not have that spark to begin with might fail because of it. On the other hand, maybe a spark would develop after good companionship took hold.

 

I would never find out, myself, because if I did not "feel" it, there would NEVER even be the first make out session. And this had nothing to do with a guy's money, height, or "bad/ good boy" status.

[udolipixie]

But if you're not going to date someone in the same outdoors group as you (common interests there) you're being unrealistic.

I'm not seeing how it's unrealistic to chose who venues you find wish to date as some don't date coworkers or those they meet in bars.

 

How is it unrealistic to you? Perhaps they wish to use the outdoors group to find friends and activity partners not romantic/sexual/relationship partners.

 

Seems you may have the mindset of if she's single, female, and frequently around me she should date or be open to dating me.

[Alma Mobley]

The first girl you posted as "average" I would say is above average in looks, but only by her face (no body shot). The second and third look more average as they look like they are carrying a few extra, but that is my opinion.

 

Look, I was born and raised in the South (US) and lived in small towns. I don't think I am horribly picky, but I hated living in them. If I were doomed to stay in those small towns, and I found no one I was attracted to or clicked with, I would stay single.

 

I eventually moved to a major city and found love there, but big-city dating has its own, unique issues.

 

Irc, I think it is either your looks (and OLD is mostly about looks) that is turning off women or something else (socially awkward?) you are doing. I have read many of your threads, and you seem to have something against women who choose to remain single in your small town and think they are insanely picky and should lower their standards. Why? To what?

 

I hope I am not offending you, just trying to understand what is going on here...

[iris219]

The basis for "dating by default"...is also based about "Settling for Mr Good Enough" which doesn't mean lowering your standards, and not about finding a perfect partner NOT the perfect person. It's about finding reasonable expectations

 

See TODAY show clip here.

 

Most people settle in some way.

 

I have no problem "settling," in that I understand no one is perfect, but I’d rather be alone forever than with someone I have no attraction to and no interest in. Being with someone you don’t like, and having sex with someone you aren’t attracted to will suck the life out of you. It will be a horrible existence, even if that person is nice. Would YOU settle in this way?

 

Being flexible on preferences is a good thing, IMO. I prefer dark hair, but would date a blond. I prefer college educated, but would date someone without a degree. I think most people are like this if they meet the right person. All their preferences are set aside. I don’t know anyone who says, “I love him so much and he’s such an awesome guy, but his parents are divorced so we can’t date.”

Edited May 22, 2012 by iris219

[Mrlonelyone]

@Mme

 

I think you misunderstand your second kind of person. It's not that they don't need to feel a spark before making a move. It is that they don't feel a spark unless they already know someone's character without the spark.

[FitChick]

I also know some gals in their 20s-40s who followed her advice:

Ten killed themselves.

Two killed their children and attempted to kill themselves.

Twenty divorced immediately to me as it was within 1 year.

Five are cheating with their husband's younger brother.

Three are cheating with their husband's cousin.

One is cheating with her husband's intern.

 

You seem to know a lot of mentally ill women. You can't blame a book for their nuttiness. If I were you, I'd find a better group of friends.

[Alma Mobley]

You seem to know a lot of mentally ill women. You can't blame a book for their nuttiness. If I were you, I'd find a better group of friends.

 

Yeah, really. I know some really crazy people, but none of them killed their children. Udol, you actually KNOW these women who murdered their kids and/or killed themselves, or you just read it somewhere or what?

 

You are quite a wonder, statistically, if you know ten suicides and two murderers.

[xxoo]

People get to know what kind of person you are through the grapevine. A bad rep can kill your options really quick.

 

 

irc, I suspect this is part of your problem. It should not be this hard to make a connection when you go to that many activities. I suspect you have a reputation in town that is unattractive to women--possibly a reputation for being unable to get a girlfriend.

 

As a possible remedy, maybe work on a being known for something else. Get involved in something really cool, that earns you some local "cred". In other words, basic dating 101: be interesting, and women will be interested.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yeah, really. I know some really crazy people, but none of them killed their children. Udol, you actually KNOW these women who murdered their kids and/or killed themselves, or you just read it somewhere or what?

 

You are quite a wonder, statistically, if you know ten suicides and two murderers.

 

And all of them read that same book first!

[irc333]

My inability to get a girlfriend is screwing up my chances of getting a girlfriend? Boy I'm screwed. LOL

 

Kind of like applying for credit, when you don't have credit, pretty hard...but, thing is these women do not know about my inablity to get a girlfriend...so that's a plus

 

I have been asked out by some women lately, and things have been turning around....

 

 

but there's gotta be that ONE business/merchant that's willing to take a risk on someone applying for credit. lol

 

 

irc, I suspect this is part of your problem. It should not be this hard to make a connection when you go to that many activities. I suspect you have a reputation in town that is unattractive to women--possibly a reputation for being unable to get a girlfriend.

 

As a possible remedy, maybe work on a being known for something else. Get involved in something really cool, that earns you some local "cred". In other words, basic dating 101: be interesting, and women will be interested.

[truth_seeker]

Let me decode for you!

 

The women who say they can’t date the men in their social group don’t want to date them because they aren’t interested or attracted.

 

Attraction is VERY powerful. If these women were interested in any of these men, the idea of having to see them a few times a year wouldn't deter them. I can guarantee this. They are doing OLD because they don’t know anyone they’d like to date, not because they prefer it.

 

Edit: Just realized xxoo pointed out this same thing! I completely agree.

 

Excellent! You hit the nail on the head! These are the same women you might encounter in a bar or nightclub and say, "This is girls night out. We're not interested in talking to any guys tonight." What a bold face lie! That's code for "we don't find you attractive". Now if a guy they found attractive approached them, it wouldn't be "girls night out".

 

If a woman wants you, she will make the effort.

[Alma Mobley]

My inability to get a girlfriend is screwing up my chances of getting a girlfriend? Boy I'm screwed. LOL

 

Kind of like applying for credit, when you don't have credit, pretty hard...but, thing is these women do not know about my inablity to get a girlfriend...so that's a plus

 

I have been asked out by some women lately, and things have been turning around....

 

 

but there's gotta be that ONE business/merchant that's willing to take a risk on someone applying for credit. lol

 

Well, then, take advantage!

[LittlePrince]

Another Average

 

Average but pretty

 

Another Average but pretty

 

Perhaps I posted a bad example, I actually didn't expect BOTH to be put in the same category, I was put off guard there.

 

There are some non-athletic, few extra pounds women out there that would probably be put in the Average category, due to their extra weight. (But not too much).

 

Not sure how we got on this covnersation, but I don't want to post every picture on the internet to prove a point. lol

Because of my job I have to deal with many different people all the time and those women are in reality a bit below average.

[sid3]

Because of my job I have to deal with many different people all the time and those women are in reality a bit below average.

 

Agreed....

[udolipixie]

You seem to know a lot of mentally ill women. You can't blame a book for their nuttiness. If I were you, I'd find a better group of friends.

I know lots of gals though I'm wouldn't include the ones who divorced or cheated mentally ill.

 

Nowhere was I blaming the book. I was stating that I have yet to encounter a gal that followed her advice who doesn't have a disastrous, unhealthy, unsatisfied, and/or unfulfilled relationship or felt she settled or lowered her standards just to say she has a man.

 

I think the book and it's notion to settle for good enough exacerbated the issues of the gals who committed suicide and murder. Being in a marriage with a guy you aren't attracted to nor like or love and enduring sex with him wasn't pleasant for them. To me it was a case of bad advice for a person in a bad place leading to something far worse.

[irc333]

Interesting, another woman I started to get to know from the events (got her phone # and we've been talking on the phone and probably going out this weekend)

 

I happened to log into a more popular dating site (match.com) , hadn't beenon that site ina while....and saw HER profile.

 

YOu know how it shows the corresponding incomes of "him vs her"

 

Amt of money she makes , between 25 to 30K a year.

 

THe amount of money she expects her future mate to make 100 to 150 K a year. I think I might bring that to her attention in around-about way. Not sure if it would be on a date or before the date though.

 

"Hey, by the way, do you do any online dating?"

"Yes, I do, why?"

Well, I noticed you had a profile up on one of these sites, and the kind of salary expect a man should be making is 100+K a year....any truth to that, or did you choose that by accident? lol

 

Where SHE lives, it's mostly blue collar jobs, and I think the highest paid average income , well...common income is that of a local school teacher.

[LittlePrince]

Interesting, another woman I started to get to know from the events (got her phone # and we've been talking on the phone and probably going out this weekend)

 

I happened to log into a more popular dating site (match.com) , hadn't beenon that site ina while....and saw HER profile.

 

YOu know how it shows the corresponding incomes of "him vs her"

 

Amt of money she makes , between 25 to 30K a year.

 

THe amount of money she expects her future mate to make 100 to 150 K a year. I think I might bring that to her attention in around-about way. Not sure if it would be on a date or before the date though.

 

"Hey, by the way, do you do any online dating?"

"Yes, I do, why?"

Well, I noticed you had a profile up on one of these sites, and the kind of salary expect a man should be making is 100+K a year....any truth to that, or did you choose that by accident? lol

 

Where SHE lives, it's mostly blue collar jobs, and I think the highest paid average income , well...common income is that of a local school teacher.

That's like a man only being satisfied if a woman is a supermodel. Good luck with that.

[udolipixie]

Interesting, another woman I started to get to know from the events (got her phone # and we've been talking on the phone and probably going out this weekend)

 

I happened to log into a more popular dating site (match.com) , hadn't beenon that site ina while....and saw HER profile.

 

YOu know how it shows the corresponding incomes of "him vs her"

 

Amt of money she makes , between 25 to 30K a year.

 

THe amount of money she expects her future mate to make 100 to 150 K a year. I think I might bring that to her attention in around-about way. Not sure if it would be on a date or before the date though.

 

"Hey, by the way, do you do any online dating?"

"Yes, I do, why?"

Well, I noticed you had a profile up on one of these sites, and the kind of salary expect a man should be making is 100+K a year....any truth to that, or did you choose that by accident? lol

 

Where SHE lives, it's mostly blue collar jobs, and I think the highest paid average income , well...common income is that of a local school teacher.

 

If your income isn't in that range and she's aware you may not be on a date but a hang out.

 

What purpose do you want to achieve about questioning her expectations?

[irc333]

If your income isn't in that range and she's aware you may not be on a date but a hang out.

 

What purpose do you want to achieve about questioning her expectations?

 

Well, lucky for me, I met her by different means...by which she couldn't figure out my income unless she directly asks me for my dollar figure.

 

The advantages of OFF-line dating, is that they don't know some of those stats that are revealed online.

 

She did ask me she has a friend that's 44, attractive and has never had a boyfriend, I almost swear she was trying to match me up with her, considering I've never been married just like her friend.

[Sanman]

I do understand what you are saying irc333. Recently I decided to catch up with some friends I had not seen in several months. We are all in our mid-to-late 20s and all professionals, though our incomes and educational levels vary a bit. There are relatively few single people left in the group, I would say. Well, it turns out that two of the girls slept with the same guy and in a fight. Now this is guy is pretty decent looking, but not that great looking ( average tall blonde skinny dude) and has little else going for him other than he is fun. However, the girls in this group will choose to sleep with him and fight over it while looking for men outside the group than to date any of the less attractive men in the group. That is the joy of internet dating. People can keep looking and getting strung along. The truth is that we all have a limited time to get into a relationship before most people are taken (late twenties usually). However, people such as these girls will continue sleeping with my friend and other guys they find attractive (6 ft tall skinny white guys) rather than settle for a guy that may not physically meet their expectations.

 

As for the settling conversation, I had it with my gf recently and I have to say that I do not know what settling is. Most of the women I dated fall in with the first girl you posted that everyone thought was hot. My gf looks more like the second group you posted (the two average but pretty girls). However, she is more intelligent than the other women, has a better job, is a nicer person, has more character traits that I respect, and would make a better mother. Now, if settling is what I am doing because her dress size is and 8-12 instead of the usual 4-6, then I settled. If, when choosing a serious relationship, I chose to weigh those other criteria more heavily than her dress size, number of sexy tattoos and piercings, etc then some would say I am not settling. To me, settling for a woman who I do not respect because I want to bang her a bit more is settling more than a wonderful woman that is what I want in every aspect except dress size. What I think the case for settling talks about it just that. Figure out what is truly important and let the silly requirements slide. It was the best choice I ever made.

[irc333]

I think some people define "settling" as someone who had started dating, or even married, someone they have no feelings for nor care a lick about.

 

OR, it usually winds up being someone completely toxic for them.

 

Some people have their own def. of settling, wether they settled for someone with bad morals (which is pretty bad for settling)

 

While others decided "okay, okay, I'll date the bald guy after he asked me out 5 times already." And turns out liking him and perhaps was thankful she gave him another shot.

 

 

I do understand what you are saying irc333. Recently I decided to catch up with some friends I had not seen in several months. We are all in our mid-to-late 20s and all professionals, though our incomes and educational levels vary a bit. There are relatively few single people left in the group, I would say. Well, it turns out that two of the girls slept with the same guy and in a fight. Now this is guy is pretty decent looking, but not that great looking ( average tall blonde skinny dude) and has little else going for him other than he is fun. However, the girls in this group will choose to sleep with him and fight over it while looking for men outside the group than to date any of the less attractive men in the group. That is the joy of internet dating. People can keep looking and getting strung along. The truth is that we all have a limited time to get into a relationship before most people are taken (late twenties usually). However, people such as these girls will continue sleeping with my friend and other guys they find attractive (6 ft tall skinny white guys) rather than settle for a guy that may not physically meet their expectations.

 

As for the settling conversation, I had it with my gf recently and I have to say that I do not know what settling is. Most of the women I dated fall in with the first girl you posted that everyone thought was hot. My gf looks more like the second group you posted (the two average but pretty girls). However, she is more intelligent than the other women, has a better job, is a nicer person, has more character traits that I respect, and would make a better mother. Now, if settling is what I am doing because her dress size is and 8-12 instead of the usual 4-6, then I settled. If, when choosing a serious relationship, I chose to weigh those other criteria more heavily than her dress size, number of sexy tattoos and piercings, etc then some would say I am not settling. To me, settling for a woman who I do not respect because I want to bang her a bit more is settling more than a wonderful woman that is what I want in every aspect except dress size. What I think the case for settling talks about it just that. Figure out what is truly important and let the silly requirements slide. It was the best choice I ever made.