kindest Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) He didn't tell me. I just found out by snooping online (pathetic, I know). He wants to date some girl he met. He was the one who broke up with me. Just one fine day, he told me that he realized he's not ready for a committed relationship. I was crushed. I tried to save our relationship, but there was nothing to save anymore. He changed overnight, the man who fell in love with me and who I love wholeheartedly was no longer there. We had no contact for 2 months. No text, no calls, no IM (I purposely did not go online to avoid him). Then after two months he leaves me an offline message for some chit chat. When he caught me online we chatted, which was fine with me (although I knew I still had feelings for him), but I never said anything or implied that I still felt something. So anyway we became "friends" (whatever that means) and chat with each other from time to time. I never ignore him when he starts chatting with me, he initiates contact about 98% of the time. So now I found out he wants to date someone else. Why am I hurting? I keep on looking back on what went wrong in our relationship although I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it. I do miss him. Very much so. I know in some way that he misses me too (the constant reaching out tells me so) but I guess not enough to rekindle the love we once had. To him I'm probably just a friend now, and although I think it's better than not having him in my life at all, I feel my heart is breaking again into a million little pieces. My friends have been trying to set me up on dates. There's a guy who keeps asking me out, but I just couldn't bring myself to date again. My heart isn't in it. I just want to vent. I probably have to avoid him but just the idea of having to take him out of my life completely feels horrible. On the other hand, being a friend to him while watching him move on and date other people is also equally as horrible. I just don't know what to do. I guess some friendly advice would be good. TIA Edited May 22, 2012 by kindest
Author kindest Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 No one? Anyone? I just got a haircut. I had to do something to lift my mood. I guess it's helping a little bit, I feel a little better. Guess I'll have to wait and see what I feel after a few days/weeks. I've been feeling depressed for the past three months since we've broken up. I've tried doing yoga, it has helped me a bit but I know deep inside that I'm still feeling empty. Guess I wish I didn't feel anything for him anymore and that I can move on without feeling any bitterness in my heart. I know I don't want to lose him completely but maybe NC is really the only way to move on. (in my case) He's friends with most of his exes. I'm not friends with any of my exes (except for him). I guess that's the difference between me and him.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Why are you still hanging on when it clearly hurts you? Unless you are prepared to hear about his dating, you can't chit chat/be friends with this person. As Smokey Robinson sang "A taste of honey's worse than none at all"...Go NC. He is reaching out in the hopes you are still hanging on; it's an ego thing. 1
Veryconfused12345 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hi Kindest, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this as I'm experiencing something very similar. I don't know if you're going through this but I find I range from anger and hatred of my ex to extreme lonliness. Just to give you some background, things were getting very serious with my ex and then after a relatively minor fight he just "went numb" (his words not mine) and immediately started dating another girl. I know how jealous, lonely, depressed this can make you feel-part of you wants to be the one to move forward first and part of you still probably entertains some small possibility of rekindling what you had. I'm sure you have close friends, you seem like a very sweet person, so the question is, honestly, is this someone who could ever be just a friend to you? It's ok to be heart broken over this, I would worry about you if you didn't feel a little crushed as that's the most human reaction to something like this. I know it feels like you'll never feel happy again, like all you need to do is recover what you had and your life will be back to normal. But you deserve a partner who wants to be with you equally, otherwise it will constantly be a power dynamic that wears away at your self esteem-trust me on this. Everytime I get a message or small crumb of hope from my ex, it's like going through the entire grief process again. Please please do me a favour. You don't have to date other people (that in my case has taken a long time to pluck up the courage to do again) and you don't have to be happy at the moment, but please do not engage with him at all. It hurts to not know where he is or what he's doing but it's even worse to get tidbits that will constantly feed your thoughts about what he's up to. Yoga is a good start and doing things to treat yourself is a good start. But the next step is really investing and cultivating what I like to think of as a "safety net" of friends and family because when you have that, you have a place to return to when your emotions get ahead of you. The same need to feel comfort for a boyfriend can be replaced by working on bolstering other parts of your life (I know that when you're depressed, you only want what you thought made you happy) But you're clearly an intelligent thoughtful person and by the sounds of it, you're waiting for him to define how you feel right now. If we take him out of the equation, do you feel you've done all that you can to lead a happy life with the exception of your love life? I'm happy to share my thoughts on this matter as I never thought I could feel so devastated as I did 8 months ago when my ex left-trust me-not eating, not sleeping, crying on public transportation, I was a mess! You sound like you're justifiably down, but certainly not broken. Now let's concentrate on what you as an individual want and need and not look at what some guy does with his life.
paperboy48 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 It is so difficult to hear about your EX dating someone else. My ex-wife (of recent) told me she kissed a guy at a dance club during our seven weeks of seperation (which we set guidelines of not dating other people during that time frame). Then mife ex-wife went on a date with this guy within 2-3 weeks of telling her telling me reconciliation was not possible for us. She has now told me she realized she was not ready for dating and has not seen anyone since. (probably true but bit certain). You want to be the first one to date someone else, its like a race. And, I know my ex-wife will have someone before I do. It hurts so bad.
TaraMaiden Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 He didn't tell me. I just found out by snooping online (pathetic, I know). He wants to date some girl he met. He was the one who broke up with me. .... We had no contact for 2 months.....So anyway we became "friends" (whatever that means) and chat with each other from time to time. I never ignore him when he starts chatting with me, he initiates contact about 98% of the time. ..... I guess some friendly advice would be good. TIA I somehow have to update the Caliguy No Contact guide to start off by it reading - "YOU CAN NEVER, EVER, EVER BE "FRIENDS" WITH AN EX WHILE FEELINGS STILL EXIST IN EITHER HEART!!" It's absolutely impossible to remain dispassionate, detached and on a superficial level, while your heart is screaming as it's slowly being torn to pieces by the odd occasional friendly impersonal banter. It can't be done. You can only ever be friends with your ex- when you can picture them in the arms of another, and feel indifferently happy for them. Much like seeing your neighbour's kid, cuddling a new puppy. until such a time, it's absolutely imperative you never contact them, and you never respond to their contacting you. keeping the above line in mind, kindly read the no Contact guide in my signature. If you don't deal with him, you'l heal without him.
Nohbody Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 3.5 Billion people of the opposite gender. It is bound to happen, unfortunately. It will also happen to you. I know it hurts right now. I know you don't care about anyone else... but I promise you, if you get through this you will have the opportunity to be with someone who will make this last person seem like a placeholder. My advice is to stop snooping, and start thinking of yourself in terms of you, yourself. You are beginning to develop a new identity now, without another person. It's time to be the best person you can be.
Author kindest Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) I appreciate the replies. All of you make sense. I'm glad I now have an outlet I can vent to. I'm taking it one step at a time. It's a slow process, but I'm sure I'll make it. I will avoid talking to him in the meantime. I have learned some lessons. Maybe someday we can be friends. Not now, though. Not now that I am still shattered about our breakup. Thought I had moved on, actually after 2 months of NC; but now that we're talking again I realize I haven't fully recovered. I think it's going to take some time. I realize I am friends with one of my other exes. Not "friends-friends" but I can honestly say I am happy that he's happily married now. So maybe my last ex and I can be real friends after some time passes. -- A friend of mine helped me realize why I could not be friends with my ex. It's because we never really started just as friends to begin with; the attraction was there from the very beginning. So it's not that I don't want to... I just don't know how. Edited May 22, 2012 by kindest
CopingGal Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 You want to be the first one to date someone else, its like a race. And, I know my ex-wife will have someone before I do. It hurts so bad. It hurts when your ex starts dating again. Of course, in my case he started dating someone before we broke up. After we broke up, he bragged about her, saying "I GOT someone." I said, "So What, I've got me!" I chose me. I still choose me. It's not about dating first. It's about being smart and taking the time to heal before you date again. He fell on his face in his new relationship..twice and then moved on to someone else to mistreat. Me, no boyfriend and I'm not looking. In the long run, I'm better off. My ex brings his baggage from relationship to relationship. I'm being smart and leting myself heal. 1
paperboy48 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 It hurts when your ex starts dating again. Of course, in my case he started dating someone before we broke up. After we broke up, he bragged about her, saying "I GOT someone." I said, "So What, I've got me!" I chose me. I still choose me. It's not about dating first. It's about being smart and taking the time to heal before you date again. He fell on his face in his new relationship..twice and then moved on to someone else to mistreat. Me, no boyfriend and I'm not looking. In the long run, I'm better off. My ex brings his baggage from relationship to relationship. I'm being smart and leting myself heal. Good for you. My sister has a very similar attitude to yours. I am very proud of her. I am just starting to realize it doesn't matter who gets someone else first.
Author kindest Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I bumped into this friend of mine who keeps on trying to set me up with one of her friends. To be polite, I oblige every time. She reminded me again and asked if I could go on a group date thing with them this Friday. I know I'm not ready to date yet but I have a feeling I should go... If only to take me out of this slump. What do you guys think?
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