Saw Ex and Feel Bad

[Frank13]

Just doing a little venting and journaling here.

 

Been almost 5 months strict NC and was doing pretty well. Things are going well in my life and I am relatively happy.

 

Ran into ex a month ago, work related, and we ignored each other other than a few words necessary for the work. I didn't feel anything, Felt kind of like talking to a stranger and I walked away with no desire to talk to her on a personal level.

 

I felt I had turned a corner and was doing better for about a week. Then I started missing her. I was doing pretty well the following weeks but I spotted her today. I was able to roll out before she saw me (I think), but then worried if she saw me, I probably looked like a complete wuss abruptly changing direction. I know it shouldn't matter but I want to appear strong like she no longer has an affect on me as I think that would just give her an ego stroke.

 

Unlike when I saw her last month and didn't feel anything, today all the feelings came back, and maybe even stronger. Previously at the start of NC when I heard her name mentioned, the feelings would come back for an hour or so and then I was back to normal, but today they lasted about 8 hours. It felt like day one and all the heart break. I honestly felt like I wasn't going to feel better today.

 

In 5 months I should be getting stronger and things should be getting better so why the worst relapse yet today?

 

What really worried me was that if I would have had to talk to her for work, I probably would have melted. Previously I felt I was past this but now I still worry that may happen in the future as our work pretty much means we will run into each other from time to time. In the beginning I so badly wanted her out of my life because all I remembered was the pain and never wanted to go back there so that was great motivation to stay NC

 

Another thing that helped with NC was that I figured she either wasn't missing me, which in itself is a great reason for NC, or she was and was feeling the same pain as me and that is enough ego stroke to keep going NC.

 

After today I was seriously considering contacting her and talking and agreeing to be civil when we see each other, rather than ignore each other. There is just a certain level of tension associated with that because it is pretty much an act. She is still in my heart so I have to force my self to ignore her and treat her like a stranger.

 

My reasoning for breaking NC was that if after 5 months I still feel bad with NC, I may as well have some benefit of talking to her. I do miss the friendship as we were best friends. It feels like she has died and when i don't see or hear of her, it is easy to pretend she doesn't exist. But when I see or hear about her lately, it forces me to acknowledge that she out there.

 

The first time I had a relapse after months of NC I was surprised at the intensity of the feelings. I expected I would feel something, just not as intense. What I did realize was that although the feelings were intense, they only lasted a couple hours. I figured this is how it works. Your feelings still are strong, but they dissipate sooner and sooner after the relapse as time goes on. After today and feeling bad for 8 hours, I am not sure that is true.

 

I am determined to hold out on NC. If she wants me back she knows where to find me. Anything else is breadcrumbs and I haven;t even gotten that. But am afraid if we do run into each other for work, it is all going to be over and I will be back to texting and talking to her. It just bugs me that I was doing so well and now I am feeling like day one.

Edited May 22, 2012 by Frank13

[Frank13]

I know the ONLY control I have, the ONLY power I have is to stay NC. So why am I so badly wanting to contact her?

 

I have tried to make new friends but it took years for me and my ex to get close and share things. I don't see having a bond like that with anyone anytime soon. I have tried dating other women. I either compare them to her, lose interest quickly, or figure someone is going to get hurt so stop seeing them. I think I need to replace her, but I can't.

 

I was feeling better before I started this thread, but now I am feeling the absolute worst I have ever felt. I even checked my email that I used to use with her, despite not checking it for weeks at a time knowing she was never going to contact me. Of course no email from her.

 

I think the bad thing is that I saw her, but I believe she didn't see me. Out of sight out of mind. Here I am relapsing because I saw her and she probably has not had a thought about me because she didn't see me.

 

Its been 5 months of NC and getting better. She doesn't care about me. If she did I would have heard from her. That should be enough motivation to keep moving forward. How can I be going so far backwards? This sucks!

Edited May 22, 2012 by Frank13

[Riseabove]

I think it's perfectly natural to have some kind of setback when you bump into your ex like that, no matter how healed you felt before. One of the things I dont like about the strict NC is that it will most likely be very awkward if you run into your ex by accident. It depends on how you broke up off course. I met with my ex for the first time in 10 months last week and before that I was always worried about running into her, seing her and staying away from the places she might be. Now I dont care. I also had a setback, kind of, but realized afer a couple of days that meeting up with her helped me move further on.

[Strength]

its so natural for you to want her to feel hurt and what you are feeling.

i want the same thing.

i am so scared of when i see my ex next and it will happen a LOT because we share all the same friends, we see each others posts on friends walls on facebook and it still kinda dictates how i behave to different people on facebook etc... trying to be a little funny but cool etc...

 

i think what you lack is acceptance of what you felt. you have to accept that you are always going to feel upset a bit and sad that it didnt work out, i totally am sad about my relationship and everything that happened. but my working on your own confidance and your own self esteem and believing that you are capable of enjoying your own life and meeting new people, is most of the battle.

 

people want to be around others that enjoy themselves. having a good time is infectious. remember that.

 

if you can teach yourself to think positively and learn to enjoy as much of what you do, as you can, people will start to flock to be your friends, friends lead to meeting new people and more people and before you know it, you have a group of mates who will ease you out of the pain of wishing for being comforted and accepted.

 

start today. tell yourself good things and tell yourself what you want to be as a person from inside, not job wise or anything, but you want to care for people and mean it and stuff like that. rebuild that heart from the ground up.