Do I have a drama queen ex?

[kittenmarie]

So about three weeks ago, my ex and I ended our almost 4 year relationship.

It wasn't a bad breakup; we were both very sad that it had to end because we cared for each other so much. He cried, I cried yadda yadda. Anyway.

We both agreed we needed space, but we also wanted to keep each other in our lives as close friends. (We were close friends before and during the relationship too)

WELL. The first few days were hard, obviously. Especially for me. I become overwhelmed by emotion, while he shuts all of his off. We hung out normally, acted normally but of course that transitioning awkwardness was there. Whenever the subject of our relationship came up, he got really upset and cried and said his mind could only see me as a friend because he was in pain.

Seems normal after a breakup, especially one that sucked to make happen.

WELL. Time went on and the second week, i tried not to touch on the subject and just let us heal a little. I finally asked him though, you know. How are you feeling? Are you still in pain, are you still hurting? He said no, he got tired of those feelings so he 'killed' them.

Killed 4+ plus years of feelings and emotion? Made no sense but I tried to take it the best way I could.

Now, before I get into week three, I should mention that he was growing meaner and meaner towards me. Something he has never done before besides in arguments.

Anyway, where he is now is basically a thousand pages from where he was a month ago. He now has this attitude of, 'I dont care about you or anyone, I dont give a f**k, im just going to live my damn life' Now to me, going from a nice, caring, yet sick guy to essentially a monster in less than a month seems almost impossible to me. During this time, he said he was done with me and done with everyone, and that he hopes I drop dead and never wants to hear from me again. Ouch.

So literally a few HOURS after he says all this he CALLS AND TEXTS ME.

I ask him why after he said he doesnt want to hear from me again. He says he was just pissed off and that he still wants to be friends, just not as close as we used to be. I responded with 'of course not as close as we used to be; were not in a relationship anymore, but we were still best friends before the relationship started, what of that?' All he said was that he doesnt care. Again. That he doesnt want to be around people from his past as much.

Now I'm sorry, but to ME, it just seems like he's one confused lump of pure mess right now, and all he's coming off as is a sad little child. I made a promise to him that no matter where life takes us, I'll be there for him no matter what. Honestly, I feel like at this point, the person I made that promise to is dead.

What the actual Hell is there left to do here!? If I give him more time, will he settle down, or is he just lost forever?

I cherished our friendship, I did and that's all I wish for at this point as I do not connect with anyone else better than him. Hence why this is not a problem I can't just walk away from.

Edited May 22, 2012 by kittenmarie

[Hope4anangel]

It sounds like he is extremely confused although this does not make an excuse for his behaviour.

 

I don't think you can be friends until you no longer have strong feelings for each other. You can't go from being a relationship back to really good friends after such a short time of being broken up.

 

I would maybe give him what he wants and go NC. At least for a while, you don't need the added stress of him being nasty towards you.

[westrock]

So about three weeks ago, my ex and I ended our almost 4 year relationship.

 

What was the reason for the break up?

 

Who initiated the breakup or was it mutual?

 

Sounds like he is having a harder time dealing with the break up than you.

 

You're wondering how he can kill 4+ plus years of feelings and emotion, but aren't you essentially trying to do the same by wanting to quickly continue on as best friends like you were before the relationship? It's like after only 2-3 weeks you're also trying to ignore 4+ years of feelings and emotion as a couple and now just want to be best friends.

 

I agree with Hope4anangel. I don't think you can go back to being just best friends so quickly without allowing for a time to heal.

[kittenmarie]

What was the reason for the break up?

 

Who initiated the breakup or was it mutual?

 

Sounds like he is having a harder time dealing with the break up than you.

 

You're wondering how he can kill 4+ plus years of feelings and emotion, but aren't you essentially trying to do the same by wanting to quickly continue on as best friends like you were before the relationship? It's like after only 2-3 weeks you're also trying to ignore 4+ years of feelings and emotion as a couple and now just want to be best friends.

 

I agree with Hope4anangel. I don't think you can go back to being just best friends so quickly without allowing for a time to heal.

The initial reason for the breakup was stress in our seperate lives that began affecting the relationship, so we wanted to end it before we began hating each other. NOW though, it seems from recent events that in the last month, he aquired G.I.G.S.

He brought up the subject of a breakup, but essentially in the end it was mutual.

Here's how I see it, though. It seems to me that he still REALLY wanted to be with me. He still loved me. But his mind and his heart were pulling him in two directions. I think he wanted to be in a relationship with me, but his mind said 'no not yet! This is a horrible time to settle down! You're only 22!' Meanwhile his heart was sitting there like, 'look how far youve come with her! You said it yourself she's special! Keep holding on and don't lose yourself!'

I think that while it seems his mind won, his heart was still fighting it, which was why he was so upset days after the breakup. Crying and saying he misses me and whatnot.

I think in his own way this is harder on him, but at the same time it's hardest on me because I can think clearly and accept my emotions and feelings while he stores his away or 'kills' them.

I admit, it would be nice to be with him again relationship wise, but if friends is the only way to keep him in my life, then I'm fine with that. We both said we don't want to lose each other.

I do think though, that that's why he doesn't want to be BEST friends again right now, because he still needs to heal. Even though he says hes fine.

[kittenmarie]

It sounds like he is extremely confused although this does not make an excuse for his behaviour.

 

I don't think you can be friends until you no longer have strong feelings for each other. You can't go from being a relationship back to really good friends after such a short time of being broken up.

 

I would maybe give him what he wants and go NC. At least for a while, you don't need the added stress of him being nasty towards you.

But like...that's where I'm confused? He SAYS he has no strong feelings for me anymore. That his mind can only see me as a friend now.

None of it makes sense. Especially because I know how he is more than anyone. I'm the only one he's ever let in.

He keeps no contact whatsoever with his ex's. Only when they contact him and he just tells them to go away and move on.

But he wants to keep ME in his life? But he says he has no feelings for me anymore? Surely you can understand my confusion, here.

I have been thinking about going NC for a while. Actually, I have tried a few times but after one or two days he would contact ME again. So I feel like that's not gonna work out so well.