Attracted to coworker, but I have a boyfriend.

[bolase]

I am in a 3 month old relationship which has been LD for 1 month now since I moved cities for a great job. We are 2hrs flying distance, so nothing impossible but not easy for two young people! My boyfriend was the one insistent on giving it a go, while I like him, I'm very attracted, but we don't have much in common and I'm not sure of how much I want to be with him without a mental/emotional connection.

 

Part of the lack of emotional connection comes through me thinking he was a player before we got together (from the way he used to talk about girls) but it turns out he is nothing but honest and very emotional and committed.

 

I have been getting on well with a new coworker. We went surfing the other weekend with nothing romantic implied. He is about 15 years older! (I am mid twenties). He then proceeded to ask me to dinner, so I told him that I have a boyfriend and his reply was that my boyfriend must be an idiot for staying behind, etc. I didn't reply and it's been fine at work.

 

Now I find myself second guessing things with my boyfriend and thinking about my coworker.

 

Twist: My coworker's ex girlfriend works with us too. THey are "flirty friends". Maybe more. Both in their 40s and I get on with both of them well. SHe has been looking at me in a way lately that makes me think she knows that he likes me.

 

Should I break up with my boyfriend and leave things be, break up and go for the coworker (very cautiously), or stick it out for a while?

 

I just can't stop thinking about the coworker now. I had no idea he was interested until his comments...and I am noticing things and this makes me feel guilty. He is an amazing guy.

 

On the other hand, I enjoy my bfs company when we're together but I don't enjoy our virtual relationship. We have plans to meet up this and the following weekends though...

 

Please help

[kaylan]

WOW....didnt you JUST make a thread about not wanting this work guy? Didnt you just say you wanted to turn down a guy at work?

 

I cant even get into this thread...its gonna get ugly here.

 

Dump the boyfriend and let him find a girl who doesnt start to stray so easily. Good luck.

[bolase]

It was about how to turn him down tactfully. Obviously I can't go there and don't want to cheat. I can't help having a crush though and am not totally happy where i am, so I'm asking for advice.

 

"Stray easily" hardly..never "strayed", and not going to!

[kaylan]

Let me add,

 

I truly feel bad for your boyfriend. It says a lot about your loyalty and committment ability that one surfing date and some stupid comment from a dude, is enough to make you second guess your man. And this other guy is 15 years older than you as well.

 

Are you daft? I gotta be real with you here. You are going to ruin something with a guy who cares about you because you THINK hes a player, all for a new guy whos simply going to use you for tail. Thats all it will be. He will use you for a piece of meat. So hes no better than what you thought your bf might have been. Why else do you think a guy 15 years your senior is talking to a new young thing at work?

 

Be smart. Dump the boyfriend so he can find a truly loyal woman (not trying to hurt you with that comment, but I dont think you could be loyal emotionally and physically going long distance). And then go have your fun. Dont be with someone youd only second guess all the time. You left him back in the old city...so dont hold him back now. Look hun, im just being honest with you. Your relationship I dont feel can last through long distance for too long if you are already straying emotionally, despite your boyfriend visiting more than once soon.

 

And yes, you can help a crush...crushes arent potentially relationship changing events when you are sure about your partner. Ive had a crush while dating someone before, but a crush doesnt compare to the caring and emotional intimacy I get from a girlfriend...so crushes are a passing fancy for me at most.

 

And to be honest, I wouldnt want to be with a girl who second guessed me in this way, especially for some greatly older dude who only wants to get laid. Would you want to be with your boyfriend if you knew he was having second thoughts about you because of some 39 year old milf?

Edited May 22, 2012 by kaylan

[bolase]

Firstly the older guy is a leader of his church (I know, not a saint, but..), he looks after everyone around this place, I don;t think he would go for 'tail'. Just doesn't seem like that. We have a lot in common, that's all I know for sure.

 

Secondly it's not just these few things that have made me second guess the boyfriend, I have been doing so since he said he wanted to give long distance a go, and wants to Skype all the time, while I'm not used to rushing into relationships.

 

Lastly there is no real emotional intimacy between my and my boyfriend, we share everything that goes on (including, the surfing - and his hangouts with his female friends), but I'm not emotionally attached and I do think we are really different.. we don't have stuff in common like dreams, interests, jokes. You know?

[d'Arthez]

Just because he is involved with a church does not make him a saint. Far from it.

 

Either kill of this crush before it gets out of hand, or break up with your boyfriend.

 

You can do the former by improving your communication with your bf, and avoiding the advances of this 41-year old guy. The latter, well, you know how to go about it.

[matte123]

I agree with kaylan. You should break up with your boyfriend. It's not fair to your boyfriend if you stay in this relationship since you have already develop feelings for another man and you don't have an emotional attachment to your boyfriend. Anything after the break up is up to you. You can choose to date the guy or explore other options.

 

Lastly there is no real emotional intimacy between my and my boyfriend, we share everything that goes on (including, the surfing - and his hangouts with his female friends), but I'm not emotionally attached and I do think we are really different.. we don't have stuff in common like dreams, interests, jokes. You know?

Edited May 22, 2012 by matte123

[kaylan]

Firstly the older guy is a leader of his church (I know, not a saint, but..), he looks after everyone around this place, I don;t think he would go for 'tail'. Just doesn't seem like that. We have a lot in common, that's all I know for sure.

 

Secondly it's not just these few things that have made me second guess the boyfriend, I have been doing so since he said he wanted to give long distance a go, and wants to Skype all the time, while I'm not used to rushing into relationships.

 

Lastly there is no real emotional intimacy between my and my boyfriend, we share everything that goes on (including, the surfing - and his hangouts with his female friends), but I'm not emotionally attached and I do think we are really different.. we don't have stuff in common like dreams, interests, jokes. You know?

Sweetheart, dont be so naive. Even the "holiest" of men have sexual desires to deal with, and some of those desires arent that nice to other folks. A good example would be the priest sexual abuse scandals in the catholic church.

 

Your relationship is doomed, as you are already defending this other man. When given the opportunity to defend ones desires for two different people, the person you truly want the most is the person you defend first and foremost. And instead of defending the things I said about your boyfriend, you zeroed in on the bad things I said about some man you just met.

 

If you didnt want to give long distance a go from the beginning, than you should have said so. You should have let him know he wasnt important to you enough for you to stay with him in your first city, nor was he enough for you to truly want a long distance relationship. You dont want your boyfriend. Its clear you wanted to be free to have other guys before you left. Be honest about that and set him free.

 

Just know that theres not much of a chance of a future with this older guy, at least not in my opinion. You give too much credit to a guy you barely know, and when youre done being his play toy, you will regret falling into that mess...because you two are at very different stages of life.

 

The purpose of this thread was really to seek affirmation of a decision to dump your boyfriend. Well you have it now. He deserves a girl whos committed to him. Set him free. Its really a shame so many people arent open eyed or open hearted enough to truly see when a real connection does and does not exist with a person. That way you two could have avoide this, because I hate seeing people get hurt over things like this.

Edited May 22, 2012 by kaylan

[bolase]

I think I have my eyes pretty wide open, I do reflect n the relationship a lot. But I've just moved here, everything's new, and pretty consuming. So I have been feeling distant from not only my boy but my family and friends.

 

I didn't know how it wouldn't work out - we had nothing but a great (and interesting) time in my old city and there's no reason why it couldn't continue in my mind, until you work it..never try never know.

 

Also I don't think you said anything about my bf for me to defend aside from him thinking of a mile because frankly, he can daydream about a mile and I'm okay with that.

Edited May 22, 2012 by bolase

[kaylan]

Without emotional intimacy and a true emotional connection, things will never work out happily in the long run. Im not a fan of long distance relationships myself, and I wont be exclusive to a girl unless we have an emotional connection that feels like it could really grow. And based on that, I def wouldnt try long distance unless I had some real emotional intimacy with a girl and also would be able to see her a couple times a month.

 

Take this as a learning experience of what you need for yourself in order to commit to big changes in a relationship in the future. Its a growing process.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just break up with your boyfriend so you can let this older guy fool around with you, then after he uses you and you see his true colors, you can start looking back at getting your ex back because he was so "amazing" and you really do love him and want to be with him after all.

 

This is just another typical love story....well, without the love part.

[bolase]

My boyfriend is amazing, but I'm not sure if the lack of emotional connection is due to distance or just a factor of 'us' and something that won't improve though!

 

Even if I break up with my boyfriend. I don't think going for the coworker is a good idea at all, it would be way too intense for me right now.

 

I don't want to leave my boyfriend FOR this guy, I'm wondering if its a symptom of my relationship uncertainly and therefore I should break up. The daydreaming about the coworker I can't really help.

[Ninjainpajamas]

My boyfriend is amazing, but I'm not sure if the lack of emotional connection is due to distance or just a factor of 'us' and something that won't improve though!

 

Even if I break up with my boyfriend. I don't think going for the coworker is a good idea at all, it would be way too intense for me right now.

 

I don't want to leave my boyfriend FOR this guy, I'm wondering if its a symptom of my relationship uncertainly and therefore I should break up. The daydreaming about the coworker I can't really help.

 

If you don't feel it for your current relationship then you can basically deem the potential of that relationship is not long-term. You can't grow strong chemistry and strong emotions with them, sure If you stick around someone long enough you learn to love and appreciate them in different ways but that doesn't make them special or mean they're the one for you...that's just a way of compromising and settling, but hey, some peoples idea of love is just security.

 

Of course If you were to break up with your bf that this co-workers wouldn't be a good idea, that's common knowledge. And the reason being is that you need to be able to emotionally and mentally get over the past, sometimes emotions sneak up on you and make you increasingly vulnerable.

 

Right now you're falling for the oldest trick in the book, the tension and desire, the temptation, the situation it's creating is just exciting and feels alluring but it's just smoke and mirrors at this point...It's partly the fact that you're investing in your current relationship and aren't supposed to be feeling this way and then this guy is older as well, he'd be a complete fool/idiot If he couldn't charm and peak the interest of a girl in her mid 20's, you really have no idea the knowledge and experience men gain and have about women from the 30's up...we know how you work at times better than you know yourself, and we know exactly how to push your buttons and flirt...were advanced and experienced in just terms of knowledge and his ex Gf was probably looking at you like a fool because you have no idea, you're just some young and dumb naive girl that's falling for the same ole tricks but she knows what he's after but won't intervene and she knows what you see and won't intervene, she probably likes him more to see him play around with you than intervene and tell you whats right...even If you'd listen which she probably knows you wouldn't...she knows what it's like to be your age.

 

Most people have to learn the hard way, and that's another thing older men love about younger women...they don't know even any better, It's almost too easy. Women will never know how older men think, It's funny that even women who have married older men think they know their men better than a man himself does, we all know, trust me, we all know exactly why and everything tied into it.

 

If your relationship is so easily infringed upon this co-worker then you should definitely break up, that way you can deal with all the aftermath that would ensue from that is basically guaranteed.