superthirteen Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hi, I've been in an LDR with the boyfriend for almost a year. We're great (I think, at least that's what everyone says). We have some little fights but last night's fight kept me numb and hurt till now. And I really don't know what to do next. Our story is, we dated for a couple of weeks then he told me he's going to school in Europe for a year. He broke it off, saying it's difficult. He never survived an LDR. Then a couple of days later he said who cares, he wants to be with me. So, hello LDR. We've been having a happy (too happy) 11 months LDR. We took a 3 week trip to Spain last month. He's coming back (for good) next month but I start questioning myself a lot because I didn't feel the 'madly-in-love-flames' anymore. But overall he's good even we're extreme opposites. Like for instance he's a family person, I would rather not see my family "ever". He grew up in an air-force family (grew up on base). When he's really stressed and pissed, he yells all these nasty words that he doesn't mean. That's something I could never understand. I don't yell at people, ever. When there's a conflict, I always try to solve it strategically. Take some time off, think, propose a solution with back-ups, negotiate----that kinda stuff. So anyways, I saw him yell once and I told him it is one thing I will never do and I will never tolerate. Last night I was nagging him about girly stuff on skype(like help me pick nail polish for my interview or something), so he yelled at me about being selfish and not supporting him with his dissertation and being annoying and saying things about quit studying so he'll be available to 'play' with me. Ouch. I was so numb since I wrote half of his dissertation, spent last month proof-reading and reminding him about deadlines. So ok, I was hurt. I looked absolutely shocked. I've never been yelled at before, not by my boss, my professors, my clients. Never. I know he didn't mean it. He apologized. He kept calling like crazy but I really couldn't talk to him. I was so numb. To the point all I can feel is pain. Anyways, he'll calling, texting, emailing. Saying things from 'sorry' to 'what the hell do you want now!, say something for god's sake!' I can't, I can't come up with a solution. Plus I had work, meetings to attend ,reports to write etc. So I told him I can't talk to you now. And he's asking if we're breaking up? After almost a year being apart and he's coming back next month? I really don't know if we're breaking up or not. How do you know if you're gonna break up with someone or not?
d'Arthez Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I think the two of you are stressing each other out at the moment. Stress leads to tension, and doing things people do not / should not want to be doing in the first place. If this is going to work out, the two of you really need to work on conflict management. A psychologist would be a good person to visit for this specific issue. Your fighting styles are completely incompatible. That can kill off a relationship very, very quickly, both online as in real life.
ladyabstrused Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I think the two of you are stressing each other out at the moment. Stress leads to tension, and doing things people do not / should not want to be doing in the first place. If this is going to work out, the two of you really need to work on conflict management. A psychologist would be a good person to visit for this specific issue. Your fighting styles are completely incompatible. That can kill off a relationship very, very quickly, both online as in real life. Yeah, superthirteen. I agree with d'Arthez on the incompatibility of fighting styles. I had such issues with my LDR bf before and we did not work on things as well as we should have I suppose. Eventually a therapist did help a little bit...but we were beyond repair cos it went for too long without help. It seems that you're still at quite an early stage to start working on it to alleviate such issues.
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