Author Sunflower22 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I have mixed feelings about my husband coming back if he chooses to. There will have to be some changes. I mean, how can i feel like he loves me when he has walked out on me and the kids. Im so disappointed by his actions and i dont have as much respect for him as I once did cause he has proven to me not to be the person I thought he was. For our marriage to work he would have to be more like the man i married and at this point I dont know if thats possible. He will have to stop trying to strong arm me in all areas in our lives. I want to be able to talk to him about something that is hard for me and him listen and care about me enough to want to try to make it better. I want to be able to tell him something that will make me happy and him care enough to be involved or at least share some joy. I want him to see things around the house that require tools to do so i cant do them and for him to take the initiative and do it. I want him to make his family feel like a priority to him and not just an obligation. I want to feel more important than his job. I want him to communicate freely with me about his job and share more things with me than keeping them to himself and finding out by coming across it on my own. I want him to stick up for me when it comes to his mother and respect me when it comes to the kids. I just dont know if he is able to do these things and make me feel cared for. Iwant him to get a brain if he is innocent like he says and stop talking to women about inappropriate things. He should talk to them about work not much more. I want him to stop controlling me and be ok with me going to do the things i want to do......
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) I have mixed feelings about my husband coming back if he chooses to. There will have to be some changes. Absolutely. If he thinks he can do as he pleases without having to bear the consequences of his actions, he has a long way to go. He will have to stop trying to strong arm me in all areas in our lives. I want to be able to talk to him about something that is hard for me and him listen and care about me enough to want to try to make it better. I want to be able to tell him something that will make me happy and him care enough to be involved or at least share some joy. I want him to see things around the house that require tools to do so i cant do them and for him to take the initiative and do it. I want him to make his family feel like a priority to him and not just an obligation. I want to feel more important than his job. I want him to communicate freely with me about his job and share more things with me than keeping them to himself and finding out by coming across it on my own. I want him to stick up for me when it comes to his mother and respect me when it comes to the kids. I just dont know if he is able to do these things and make me feel cared for. I want him to get a brain if he is innocent like he says and stop talking to women about inappropriate things. I want him to stop controlling me and be ok with me going to do the things i want to do...... All are things that can and should be negotiated IF he decides he does not want to divorce you, and actually work on the marriage. If he wants to make the marriage work, marriage counseling will be a good start. Maybe he will come to his senses, and maybe he won't. That is something you will discover in the upcoming weeks. Otherwise, file for divorce when you are ready to. You will know when that is. As difficult as it is, try to find joy in the small things, having your friends over, and start building and strengthening your social network. Edited May 27, 2012 by d'Arthez
Author Sunflower22 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 Thanks for everyone who has been supportive of me during this time. So my husband and I had a long talk yesterday. He actually came to me and it is the first time in weeks that he has showed any feelings or been human. He told me that he did not know where I was at this point but that he loved me not for the kids or assets but for me and that the last thing he wanted was a divorce. He said he was welling to do whatever to work things out with me and for us to rebuild or relationship to what it was. If he is going to be the man that I married then yes, I would like to save our marriage. he told me that it really hurt him more than he has ever been hurt in his life to hear me say that I felt he was abusing me emotionally. He said that they have changed his partner at work from that woman to a man so that he would be having no communication with her although he claims there was absolutely nothing there. He said his boss changed his partner for the simple fact that it was causing us marital problems. This raised a red flag for me....do bosses do this or was there more to it?? He claims that he has never cheated on me. he said he was embarrassed that his boss changed his partner because I was upset about the situation. He said that if I could deal with his job for a little bit and let things cool off between us and see if the travel is less and manageable for me that if it is not we can have a talk in a few months about changing this to better suit the family needs. But that at this point he is doing his best to be a provider and he does not know if he could get a job without travel that would allow him to do as much for the family. He said that he still wants to go to counseling. We are going once a week. He says that he would like to move forward and put everything that has happened in the passed. What does this sound like to you guys? It is just such a sudden change and hard to understand. I am hopeful that he is being honest but scared that he will go back to his old ways.
M30USA Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 You mentioned he loves you for you, aside from kids and assets. Do you feel this about him, as well?
2sunny Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Thanks for everyone who has been supportive of me during this time. So my husband and I had a long talk yesterday. He actually came to me and it is the first time in weeks that he has showed any feelings or been human. He told me that he did not know where I was at this point but that he loved me not for the kids or assets but for me and that the last thing he wanted was a divorce. He said he was welling to do whatever to work things out with me and for us to rebuild or relationship to what it was. If he is going to be the man that I married then yes, I would like to save our marriage. he told me that it really hurt him more than he has ever been hurt in his life to hear me say that I felt he was abusing me emotionally. He said that they have changed his partner at work from that woman to a man so that he would be having no communication with her although he claims there was absolutely nothing there. He said his boss changed his partner for the simple fact that it was causing us marital problems. This raised a red flag for me....do bosses do this or was there more to it?? He claims that he has never cheated on me. he said he was embarrassed that his boss changed his partner because I was upset about the situation. He said that if I could deal with his job for a little bit and let things cool off between us and see if the travel is less and manageable for me that if it is not we can have a talk in a few months about changing this to better suit the family needs. But that at this point he is doing his best to be a provider and he does not know if he could get a job without travel that would allow him to do as much for the family. He said that he still wants to go to counseling. We are going once a week. He says that he would like to move forward and put everything that has happened in the passed. What does this sound like to you guys? It is just such a sudden change and hard to understand. I am hopeful that he is being honest but scared that he will go back to his old ways. Ok good! Is he going to do anger management classes and cut ALL contact with the other gal?
stillafool Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 I'll go against the grain a bit here, and say that you have a new baby, a new house, your husband is the sole wage-earner who just switched jobs, and... I think OP indicated that she works as well so he is not the sole wage earner.
stillafool Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Ok good! Is he going to do anger management classes and cut ALL contact with the other gal? I honestly think his anger towards you definitely was due to his attraction to the other girl. I've seen cheaters who try to find reasons to justify their cheating. Maybe since he has moved out and sampled the goods he knows that he would be foolish to give up his family and new home for something unsure.
Author Sunflower22 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 I still love my husband but there are somethings that I know I cannot live with. One of those things is that if I new for a fact that he cheated on me there would be no going back. I would rather be hurt and get over it then to stay with a cheater. I could never trust him or look at him the same way again. It is already hard enough with the doubt that I currently have on weather or not he has cheated or if he is innocent and just stupid. I mean those emails to this girl were right on his phone which he knows that I look at often. If he was trying to hide something wouldn't he have been more cautious? That is what is throwing me off that and the fact that I did meet her and she is not attractive at all. I mean I guess personalities can hit it off, but not to toot my own horn this girl has nothing on me. He did not seem upset that they changed his partner and according to him she has a husband with two young children at home so I know him and her did have somethings in common that would be true. I am not sure at this point if he is a cheater, a flirter, interested in her or what that situation was all about. I do know that I did not like the way he made me feel and that I do not want to be dumb and taken advantage of. I love him but I still don't feel great about him. I want to feel like I use to about him but only time will tell.
M30USA Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Sunflower, What does "cheating" mean? Actual physical, sexual contact? Or would explicit emails qualify? Or what about an emotional affair? I only ask because I've heard many different definitions. My wife said I had an "affair" in court because I made a few posts on an adult website forum.
Author Sunflower22 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 For me an affair would be anything physical for sure or emotional. If he felt a connection with her and wanted to make her interested in him I could not be with him knowing that. He claims that he has no feelings for this girl and that he sees her only as another person at work no different than he sees men. This is what he claims to be his side. I could not trust him if he had feelings of interest toward her. What when the next girl he hits it off with comes around. I don't open myself up to these kinds of situations with other men cause I know that if I did that would not be good for my marriage. Trust me I could go out and find a man who I was interested in in a heart beat but like I said that would not be good for my marriage.
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