I'm exhausted from this rollercoaster ride

[Sunflower22]

I love this site because it is a safe place for me to vent and express my feelings. I don't know what has happened to my husband. It is like he has become a totally different person over the last 3 weeks. I'm not sure what is going on and it is affecting my life in many negative ways.

 

We have two young children, one has just turned 2 and the other just turned 5 months old. We have had many big changes in our lifes in the past 5 months. I had a baby, we moved into what we thought would be our dream home, and my husband has changed his job.

 

So, right after I had my son, my husbands company made him switch positions, which meant he had to travel 4 days a week. Things have been very tough on me with him being gone four days a week and me tending to the kids and working and taking care of the house. We still have not completely settled into the new house yet. I did the best I could but he was actively looking for a new job that would have less travel. I think I was also going through some post-partum because I was very emotional for several months and just recently have started to feel more myself.

 

Anyway, he finally got a new job and he thought it would be less travel but it has not been. I am still here alone taking care of all these responsibilities on my own and worse this new job he is going out all four nights that he is away drinking and having a big party. I found a text on his phone of him communicating with a woman who he said was his partner and they were talking about her party dress for the next big event and she bought him glasses. I was devastated when I saw this and I overreacted. I gave him an ultimatium to quit this job and make his family a priority or loose us for good. I was so angry at the time and hurt.

 

Well, this situation has spiraled out of control and to my surprise he seems to be picking the job over us. He says that he loves me wants the kids but he wants his job also and that he should be able to have it all. But I'm lonely I am doing to much work, I have lost 6 lbs cause I'm so bothered I can't eat. He has been very manipulative since the ultimatium and has told me basically that he is welling to divorce me at this point. I am so shocked and hurt. He always said and I always thought that the few problems we had in our marriage are minimal. He always said divorce was not an option for him. I have been a great wife, I have supported him as long as I can but he does not care about my feelings here. I hate him for this. Every day I have to look at him I am hurt. And now he keeps saying things like he doesn't even know why we are trying to work things out and he should just leave. Leave me and his kids. I am so confussed what is wrong with him. He says he doesn't want to make me a single mom but if I keep pushing him he will. I cannot live on eggshells and I wont because that is not healthy for my kids. What happened to the man I married? Where did he go? Will he ever come back? I am hurt everyday, I feel like he does not care about me at all.

 

Tonight when he said its not working out I told him calmly to please leave then because I was tired of hearing this. and he said "I'm not leaving at night like a hulium" Then he said its just not working for me today but I am trying. How is he trying?

 

We are seeing a counselor once a week. The counselor told me at our last session that since my husband gets his nights out of socializing that I should get to go out also which I have never done. So I told him I was going out with friends on WEDs. and I think he is angry about this and that is why he is treating me so poorly today. I don't know what is wrong with him. Is he bluffing, will he leave us? If he leaves my main concern is throwing my young kids from home to home. They are my main priority.

 

Let me also tell you that my husband grew up in a very abusive home. I spoke with his sister in confidence and she told me to protect myself and the kids because the behavior I am discribing reminds her of beginning signs of how they grew up. She is very concerned for me and the kids and upset that she feels he is allowing the past to affect his behavior. When talking with her it seems she thinks that I need to leave him if he doesn't correct this. She has told me to expect the worst because if he really snaps there is no telling what he may do. She told me to get a plan and get ready. She is scaring me a little cause I didn't realize my situation could potentially be this serious. I don't know what is going to happen here.

 

Can anyone give some words of hope or wisdom?

 

My parents, who are very supportive are aware of the entire situation. My mom told me tonight to find my happiness and not to worry because her and my dad have everything under control. She says I wont be alone if he decides to make a bad decision. My parents thank goodness are financially well off. They want me to do my best to make my marriage work but at the same time they see how my husband is treating me, they know about the abuse, and the possible outcome here.

 

Everyone is shocked, my husband was so caring, sweet, my family loved him (they are so surprised right now). Will he come back is he gone for good? I dunno.......

[Sunflower22]

My husband is filled with rage and I don't know why. He is looking for anything and everything he can to be angry with me. He is calling me every time yelling at me for rediculous things. I just want this all to come to an end.

[d'Arthez]

Might be extreme stress, and poor coping skills with extreme stress.

 

If I were you, I'd simply tell him you are moving out. If he asks for reasons you can give them to him, though I doubt he will ask.

 

Take the kids and move in with your parents, if you cannot find another place on short notice. If he wants the marriage to work, he needs to put in a decent effort. Not this kind of nonsense.

 

Perhaps a separation may help him come to his senses. If not, (or he displays an unwillingness to address his anger issues) divorce him.

[livingstrong]

To me it feels like these drastic changes could be a sign of a possible affair. I'm not sure if this is something you have discussed with him or considered?

[2sunny]

Is he drinking or using drugs?

 

Honor yourself and your kids! Make decisions in the best interest of you and your kids.

 

He acts absent - so treat him as such until he gets out of his affair fog. Yes, he's having an affair!

 

If he's so intent on having it his way (partying - other women) then let him have it. But you don't need to be the victim of HIS abuse while he chooses that ugly path - so step aside and get out of the way of his chaos! In fact, RUN!

 

Go to your parents - its good you have a safe place. You need that for now... A short break to collect your sane thoughts and develop a plan for your future is in order. Take this time to get a plan!

[Sunflower22]

The lawyer I spoke to has told me not to uproot my kids from the house and whatever I do do not leave the house to let him leave. I am trying to keep my wits about me. I am not sure if he is having an affair or what he is up to at this point. I just want the resolution to come and I know that may mean a lot of pain for me in the near future. but I have also been told that I cannot make him stay and if a man wants to leave then he is going to leave no matter what I do. I am trying to stay calm and let him make the bad decisions. I don't know what is wrong with him honestly we have two beautiful children, a brand new home that is beautiful, I just don't know what has gotten into him. when asked about an affair he says when would he have time and with whom and that with as much as he travels no one is interested in seeing him once in awhile. I dunno, I don't have the answers but he is not with me.

[d'Arthez]

If his bad behaviour persists, you can ask him to leave. That way at least you are not legally "at fault" for protecting yourself and your children. Stupid laws.

[2sunny]

The lawyer I spoke to has told me not to uproot my kids from the house and whatever I do do not leave the house to let him leave. I am trying to keep my wits about me. I am not sure if he is having an affair or what he is up to at this point. I just want the resolution to come and I know that may mean a lot of pain for me in the near future. but I have also been told that I cannot make him stay and if a man wants to leave then he is going to leave no matter what I do. I am trying to stay calm and let him make the bad decisions. I don't know what is wrong with him honestly we have two beautiful children, a brand new home that is beautiful, I just don't know what has gotten into him. when asked about an affair he says when would he have time and with whom and that with as much as he travels no one is interested in seeing him once in awhile. I dunno, I don't have the answers but he is not with me.

 

She bought him gifts. She's communicating with him about her party dress. That's enough to understand he's participating with her on a very intimate level!

 

Yes, he's cheating.

 

You can change the locks and put his things out front by the door. Tell him to pick up his stuff.

 

He doesn't act like a living H and father - he can leave!

[Steen719]

The lawyer I spoke to has told me not to uproot my kids from the house and whatever I do do not leave the house to let him leave. I am trying to keep my wits about me. I am not sure if he is having an affair or what he is up to at this point. I just want the resolution to come and I know that may mean a lot of pain for me in the near future. but I have also been told that I cannot make him stay and if a man wants to leave then he is going to leave no matter what I do. I am trying to stay calm and let him make the bad decisions. I don't know what is wrong with him honestly we have two beautiful children, a brand new home that is beautiful, I just don't know what has gotten into him. when asked about an affair he says when would he have time and with whom and that with as much as he travels no one is interested in seeing him once in awhile. I dunno, I don't have the answers but he is not with me.

 

You never know. My XH and I had just moved into the nicest house I had ever lived in...a dream home for me in 1997, had a wonderful son, good jobs, no apparent problems and at the end of that month...same month we moved in, he started a 5 month affair. Affairs play out in all ways, not just every week or every day or every month.

 

IMHO, what in the world would any man want to talk to someone about their new party dress, unless they were involved with them? Maybe I am off base here, but the men I know would do it only if they felt they had to.. lol...ask some of the men on here.

 

See if he will leave, since your lawyer is telling you not to. If he is to see what life is like without you and your children, then he needs to experience it. In my experience, a loving, caring person can turn into a cold, callous spouse once they are in an affair. Imagine the conflict within them if they couldn't look at their spouse with cold eyes while they are telling another they are in love with them.

 

Good luck. You are fortunate to have great, supportive parents. I know it sucks....{{{big hugs your way}}}

[Steen719]

She bought him gifts. She's communicating with him about her party dress. That's enough to understand he's participating with her on a very intimate level!

 

Yes, he's cheating.

 

You can change the locks and put his things out front by the door. Tell him to pick up his stuff.

 

He doesn't act like a living H and father - he can leave!

 

Ha...I was writing that while you were!!

[Jethro]

You can change the locks and put his things out front by the door. Tell him to pick up his stuff.

 

I doubt it. Unless she is the sole note holder on the mortgage, and even then, hope the house wasn't bought with any funds from the husband. I'm going up against this right now... if the property is held jointly, there is basically only three ways to go about things (and I'm sure this varies by State):

 

1. Ask him to leave. If he says no, your only options are #2 and 3 below. You can always put things out by the front door, but if the bank note has both parties name on it, either party has equal rights to the house, and he can just bring those things right in the house again.

 

2. Play the restraining order game otherwise known as "Divorce 101". If you don't know what that means, then good... you don't want to go down that road unless there actually is abuse happening.

 

3. File for divorce and a petition for the house. Actually, I think you can do that with a legal seperation as well.

 

This is why unless you are 100% ready to have divorce papers in front of you and him with a pen, your only actual option is to leave yourself. If you want to make a statement, that's the way to do it.

[Sunflower22]

Well he left tonight. He was angry that on Monday night I went to get my nails done, Tuesday night I got my hair done, and tonight I was suppose to go out with my girlfriend. Well, he is angry that for 3 nights in a row I had a plan. I have been respectful to him about all this. On Monday night I was home 15 minutes after he was, Tuesday night I was home around 8:30, and well I never made it to go out with my girlfriends cause as soon as he walked in the door from work today he was extremely angry and argumentative. He said he was also mad that I put a security code on my phone but he put one on his phone and he was also trying to track me on my phone. He threatened that he was leaving and I told him calmly to leave then. I told him I didn't want him back until he had his crap together. I mean for five months he has been gone for days and I go and do my regular routine things and he flies off the handle. I don't understand where all his anger is coming from. I explained to him that I was not trying to upset him. I was home all day today working my butt off in the house for preparation for his sister to come into town this weekend. He is gone and although a part of me is hurt another part of me is relieved. I am mostly worried for my 2 year old daughter who is really being affected by all this. Seeing her so upset tears me up inside, somehow she knows she must for how she is acting out. I have to embrace her now more than ever, my kids are my everything. My son only 6 months old thank goodness I am so glad he is still smiling cause he is the only who is. I cry for the dream of the family that I wanted this to be. When he left he said this is only temporary in his mind but I am not planning on letting him back so easily. He has walked out twice now, is trying to control me and is just an ugly person. My kids are so young that they are a lot of work together plus my job and now I will be doing it alone and that is scary but I know I will pull through. I have to be strong I can't let my husband know I care or am hurt because he feeds off of this. I hope that one day he regrets this, that he feels the pain he has caused for me. I hope he doesn't go without some kind of consequence. I don't think he will have a consequence cause I am assuming at this point he no longer loves me and without feelings there is no consequence.

[Deanster]

I'll go against the grain a bit here, and say that you have a new baby, a new house, your husband is the sole wage-earner who just switched jobs, and...

 

you're handing out ultimatums about choosing you or the job?

 

If he chooses you, what are you and your family going to eat? Where are you going to live?

 

I'm just saying that you might not be leaving much room for the pressure he may feel to maintain the income you're all living on. There's not much room for a guy who just changed jobs to leave, and then get another one.

 

Whatever else is going on in your lives, you've not said a single word acknowledging that he's providing the income you and your new baby depend on. It's hard to imagine he wouldn't notice that, and perhaps feel like you're being more than a little unrealistic.

[2sunny]

Well he left tonight. He was angry that on Monday night I went to get my nails done, Tuesday night I got my hair done, and tonight I was suppose to go out with my girlfriend. Well, he is angry that for 3 nights in a row I had a plan. I have been respectful to him about all this. On Monday night I was home 15 minutes after he was, Tuesday night I was home around 8:30, and well I never made it to go out with my girlfriends cause as soon as he walked in the door from work today he was extremely angry and argumentative. He said he was also mad that I put a security code on my phone but he put one on his phone and he was also trying to track me on my phone. He threatened that he was leaving and I told him calmly to leave then. I told him I didn't want him back until he had his crap together. I mean for five months he has been gone for days and I go and do my regular routine things and he flies off the handle. I don't understand where all his anger is coming from. I explained to him that I was not trying to upset him. I was home all day today working my butt off in the house for preparation for his sister to come into town this weekend. He is gone and although a part of me is hurt another part of me is relieved. I am mostly worried for my 2 year old daughter who is really being affected by all this. Seeing her so upset tears me up inside, somehow she knows she must for how she is acting out. I have to embrace her now more than ever, my kids are my everything. My son only 6 months old thank goodness I am so glad he is still smiling cause he is the only who is. I cry for the dream of the family that I wanted this to be. When he left he said this is only temporary in his mind but I am not planning on letting him back so easily. He has walked out twice now, is trying to control me and is just an ugly person. My kids are so young that they are a lot of work together plus my job and now I will be doing it alone and that is scary but I know I will pull through. I have to be strong I can't let my husband know I care or am hurt because he feeds off of this. I hope that one day he regrets this, that he feels the pain he has caused for me. I hope he doesn't go without some kind of consequence. I don't think he will have a consequence cause I am assuming at this point he no longer loves me and without feelings there is no consequence.

 

His anger is an easy way of him deflecting. If he finds reasons to be mad at you - you don't have enough time to get mad at him.

 

And my exH used to purposely pick a fight like that when he wanted to go see his OW.

[immitable]

I am really surprised how extreme some of the advice given is.

 

He is under a lot of stress, new job, uncertainty at the moment.

 

But what worries me is you actually and I have to ask you this:

 

Have you been intimate with him lately?

[immitable]

Might be extreme stress, and poor coping skills with extreme stress.

 

If I were you, I'd simply tell him you are moving out. If he asks for reasons you can give them to him, though I doubt he will ask.

 

Take the kids and move in with your parents, if you cannot find another place on short notice. If he wants the marriage to work, he needs to put in a decent effort. Not this kind of nonsense.

 

Perhaps a separation may help him come to his senses. If not, (or he displays an unwillingness to address his anger issues) divorce him.

 

Seriously?

 

the guy is under stress he wants to keep his job and his wife doesn't support his decision. he can't fight his urge as a man to be the provider for a family.

 

You really think that splitting family and depriving their children of a family life and mum and dad is going to help.

You think apart from all the struggle to keep his job he has to fight for his family which seems to be unsupportive of him.

[immitable]

He acts absent - so treat him as such until he gets out of his affair fog. Yes, he's having an affair!

 

 

What makes you so sure?

 

He would have been acting different if he was having an affair. He would have been acting aloof and not giving a f*** about his wife let alone arguing with her.

[Sunflower22]

thanks for everyones replies here and yes I have been intimate with him. I have made the effort to put intimacy into the relationship. but it is difficult for me when I feel like he is being controlling and a bully about everything to let my feelings shine through. We are seeing the counselor today.

[Sunflower22]

I don't want you guys to think I am being a stupid woman but I honestly don't think my husband is having an affair. I think he is ignorant with woman and maybe even a little flirtatious and I could be wrong but based on his behavior I don't think that this issue is over another woman at this point. I think he has built it up in his head that I am trying to control his life and he is inraging himself with false truths and alligations. I went to get my nails done on Monday night and got to the house 30 minutes after him but when he tells the story he says "you were out all night" this is what he is telling himself to get himself upset and it is just not the reality. He is perceiving things falsely and I don't know how to get him to see things in the right frame of mind. I am hoping the therapist can help. He was severely abused as a child by his step-father and when I spoke with his sister regarding the situation she said that it reminds her of her childhood and that this definitely sounds like him because it is exactly the way the step dad treated them for years. My daughter is being affected and I am going to look into getting her some counseling I think he has been saying things to upset her behind my back. I believe this because for weeks while this has been going on she has not been her self. She has been screaming and crying for daddy and very fearful but I didn't know why and I never thought in a million years he'd do something to hurt our 2 year old daughter. Well, he is gone now its only been one night but the morning in weeks my daughter woke up smiling at me and the precious little girl I know. She is calm today and she almost said daddy but then stopped herself. She doesn't even want to speak his name at this point. Strange right. I am going to protect my children. I am having her see a counselor ASAP to try to gain some insight into this insecurity she is having regarding her father and why and what I need to do to help her. She is my world, its about my kids now more than me or him. I want her happy more than anything in the world, I want her healthy, I want her secure at any cost to me or him. My son only 5 months is fine smiling and not phased. I think the lord for that everytime I see his big smile.

[2sunny]

Children when they are young process what someone's behavior tells them with the keenest sense of intuition! Their clarity is not clouded with as many attachments as adults have.

 

If you think he's not having an affair - have him show evidence that he's innocent. His behavior ACTS as if he is.

 

And the poster that says he's not because he's fighting and not aloof - that's a joke- many who cheat pick a fight on purpose - it gives them good reason to leave - and then go see their cheating partner... Or for reasons to make you look bad so they can complain to their affair partner how horrible you are being.

 

Until you know for sure whether or not he's cheating - assume NOTHING!

 

Make decisions that in your best interest and your kids - at least for a while.

 

If he yells and gets abusive - call the police! Do not hesitate! It sends HIM a clear message that his bad behavior won't be tolerated. That way maybe he will act reasonably when he's around you and the kids.

 

There are consequences for bad behavior - if he acts unreasonably - allow him to have the fallout from what HE creates.

 

Stay calm. Do not react or over react to his drama he intends to create. Simple and calm one word answers will do - yes - no - maybe...

[Sunflower22]

So we went to counseling yesterday and my husband started the session by saying that he is very confussed about where we are. He said that he never thought we'd get divorced but that since i saw a divorce attorney it makes him feel like we are already divorced. I have told him that i only went to the attorney to get information and that i wanted to make our family work if possible. He also said that he knows i am not happy about him traveling and keeping the job but that im going along with it to make him happy. Well, yes i was trying to compromise but i cant change my feelings. He is upset that i dont like the arrangement. When it was my turn however, i changed the entire direction of the conversation to reflect his irrational behavior and anger the last couple of days. I told the counselor that my husband grew up in a very controlling and abusive household and that i felt he was now trying to abuse me and controll me in the same way. He has been yelling at me for taking showers, re

 

Yelling at me for getting my nails done, hair done. He has been crazy angry and distorting reality. I told her he couldnt come home until he seeks help for this. I told her when he yells at me like that it makes me shake inside and she said these were panic attacks. Ive never had this. He told me what i said was very hurtful. He tried to call me twice after therapy but i never answered i wanted him to think about what i said. He came by the house last night around 9 and wanted to talk but i told him i was putting our daughter to bed which was true. He was upset i wouldnt talk to him. I just felt like i put all my cards on the table at counselling and i didnt want to argue or discuss it more. When i did talk to him he sounds down but indifferent. I feel like he has been tough arming me this whole time rather than treating me like a lady.

 

In honesty all i want from him is to hear something kind and rational and with regard to our family and not his selfish self. I want him to say he loves me, he values our family above all else. That he understands the travel is rough and he will work on making a plan for something more suitable. That he will put more effort into our family and home than he has. That he will be the man i married. This could all end if only he would do thatvseems so easy. But instead he wants to keep playing these childish games and im slowly loosing patients. I have been staying calm, letting him act like the bad guy.

 

What he doesnt understand with this seperation is that it doesnt phase me cause im use to him being absent. I have been doing it on my own and when hes home hes not. What he doesnt know is the vulnerable state i am in should i meet another man and at this point im open to that.

 

Im starting to go out next week and whatever happens happens. I have been patient he wont stop the games. I cant feel lonely forever and for me its already been 6 months. I think his game may bite him back. Once i give my heart to another there is no getting it back. I have been the house wife and mommy and i love that if the man was fulfilling my needs but hes not. Any thought

[2sunny]

So we went to counseling yesterday and my husband started the session by saying that he is very confussed about where we are. He said that he never thought we'd get divorced but that since i saw a divorce attorney it makes him feel like we are already divorced. I have told him that i only went to the attorney to get information and that i wanted to make our family work if possible. He also said that he knows i am not happy about him traveling and keeping the job but that im going along with it to make him happy. Well, yes i was trying to compromise but i cant change my feelings. He is upset that i dont like the arrangement. When it was my turn however, i changed the entire direction of the conversation to reflect his irrational behavior and anger the last couple of days. I told the counselor that my husband grew up in a very controlling and abusive household and that i felt he was now trying to abuse me and controll me in the same way. He has been yelling at me for taking showers, re

 

Yelling at me for getting my nails done, hair done. He has been crazy angry and distorting reality. I told her he couldnt come home until he seeks help for this. I told her when he yells at me like that it makes me shake inside and she said these were panic attacks. Ive never had this. He told me what i said was very hurtful. He tried to call me twice after therapy but i never answered i wanted him to think about what i said. He came by the house last night around 9 and wanted to talk but i told him i was putting our daughter to bed which was true. He was upset i wouldnt talk to him. I just felt like i put all my cards on the table at counselling and i didnt want to argue or discuss it more. When i did talk to him he sounds down but indifferent. I feel like he has been tough arming me this whole time rather than treating me like a lady.

 

In honesty all i want from him is to hear something kind and rational and with regard to our family and not his selfish self. I want him to say he loves me, he values our family above all else. That he understands the travel is rough and he will work on making a plan for something more suitable. That he will put more effort into our family and home than he has. That he will be the man i married. This could all end if only he would do thatvseems so easy. But instead he wants to keep playing these childish games and im slowly loosing patients. I have been staying calm, letting him act like the bad guy.

 

What he doesnt understand with this seperation is that it doesnt phase me cause im use to him being absent. I have been doing it on my own and when hes home hes not. What he doesnt know is the vulnerable state i am in should i meet another man and at this point im open to that.

 

Im starting to go out next week and whatever happens happens. I have been patient he wont stop the games. I cant feel lonely forever and for me its already been 6 months. I think his game may bite him back. Once i give my heart to another there is no getting it back. I have been the house wife and mommy and i love that if the man was fulfilling my needs but hes not. Any thought

 

Yes. Slow down! Proper order is key.

 

I know you feel like you've been alone a long time - but at least wait until the D is FINAL to start on the hunt.

 

You have YOUNG children - they need you. Just slow down...

[d'Arthez]

Im starting to go out next week and whatever happens happens. I have been patient he wont stop the games. I cant feel lonely forever and for me its already been 6 months. I think his game may bite him back. Once i give my heart to another there is no getting it back. I have been the house wife and mommy and i love that if the man was fulfilling my needs but hes not. Any thought

Going out a bit? Good idea. Carrying your heart on a sleeve waiting for the first man out there that shows you some positive attention? Bad idea.

[Sunflower22]

So his sisters family is in town and we spent the day together to be decent since his niece wanted to see everyone. Well, it was difficult to be in his presence harder than I thought it would be. I guess im angry that he walked out on me and his children and that he wants to show up when it works for him. I just see him as a major disappointment. He seemed to have a good day. Me, i couldnt even look at him. I was pleasant but not overly talkative with him only giving short answers. He seemed like he was trying to be respectful and helpful probably cause he doesnt want to be a complete jerk in front of his sister. She would call him out on it. He had the nerve to ask me how much I weigh. He knows this has affected me and I have lost about 10 lbs making me about 98 lbs but he doesnt have tonrub it in. My nerves are so bad I cant eat well. I cant wait until the weekend is over cause I feel better when he's not around. He is spending the night cause he asked me if he could to spend more time with his sister I told him fine but that it made me feel uncomfortable. I am trying to be decent to his sister cause she has always been good to me. He has been more forthcoming with helping me with the kids tonight. Guess thats the least he could do is help out with his kids once in awhile. I hope one day he realizes how much he has hurt me.

[d'Arthez]

He may come to realize over time what he has done. This is certainly not the end of the line just yet.