beachbabe82 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I've been reading here foe a bit. I think I am seeing stuff like some of us OW are content to stay in an relationship with a MM until the bad outweighs the good. NOT ME!!! I want the marriage. I want the being together, living together, sharing bank accounts, sharing our lives completely! Those that are in an affair and those that were in an affair, are you/were you content to just be the OW? Do you/did you want marriage? If your AP comes to you, divorced, and offered marriage, would you want that or would you turn that down? I feel like so many OW on here don't want marriage, but I wonder if that is just their stance now, since the MM is still married to his wife? It seems to me like so many put down marriage . Why? I want to be married to him. I want him out of his marriage and us to be married! I want our family and friends to celebrate our love. I want us to share every part of our lives. I want kids with him (or at least one). I know not everyone wants that (kids with the MM). How do you feel (and please know this post is open to everyone)??? Do you want marriage because of the love you share or are you content to just not have him/her married?
MissBee Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) During my A I was at a different place in my life. I was not ready to marry or settle down with anyone. I therefore was more casual in my approach to relationships, with the A being no different. I didn't envision him as my future husband or expect us to be together forever, yet although I did not, it didn't change the fact that I loved him, was attached to him, wanted him to myself as my boyfriend, wasn't happy sharing etc. I want to be married, but more importantly, I just want a relationship that I don't have to explain to people and one that doesn't have a built-in limitation. I want a life partner who I can have babies with, introduce to my family, integrate into all aspects of my life, and who can do that with me. Loving me secretly or "loving me but" is just not the best I can do....I know it is more than possible for me to meet a man who can give me the kids, the vacation house in the Cartibbean , who I can wake up with daily, who we have grave plots beside each other and all that. I do realize maybe not everyone wants that. I do though and right now in my life.Even outside of marriage, just as an unmarried single woman, I still want a boyfriend who we're integrated in each other's lives and where we're planning a life together, who isn't hiding or stressed out because he has a double life etc. I just want us to be FREE to live and love in the open. I don't want to have to create artificial feelings of openness, i.e. my family knows him, but his don't know me, or only some people know, or we can only be out in the open in some other town or country etc. I don't want to have to think or plan anything like that, I just want the freedom to do as we please and plan our lives.I'd never entertain an A at this point in life again, as it would be pointless in light of this. I have had enough feel good for now relationships or feel good but not quite available relationships that weren't even As....so I don't need anymore of that. I have also been guilty of lowering my expectations when I realized a man would not or could not meet it....that was always a bad idea as eventually I stopped lying to myself and eventually it would end as I was compromising too much just to have this person. Edited May 22, 2012 by MissBee 2
Silly_Girl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I hated him being in a relationship with someone else but as soon as we were 'official' and at family weddings/events it was his family and friends putting pressure on us to get wed, but that wasn't on my mind at all. We'd been through so much to get to that point all I wanted to do was relax and enjoy it! I realise it's because his family could see the difference in him and love him and want him to be happy. But I think these things need time... I married with the best of intentions a long time ago and I really don't know whether that is something I could sign up for again. Part of me thinks why change something if it's working? Maybe that's my old, cynical side 6
4321sn Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I've been reading here foe a bit. I think I am seeing stuff like some of us OW are content to stay in an relationship with a MM until the bad outweighs the good. NOT ME!!! I want the marriage. I want the being together, living together, sharing bank accounts, sharing our lives completely! Those that are in an affair and those that were in an affair, are you/were you content to just be the OW? Do you/did you want marriage? If your AP comes to you, divorced, and offered marriage, would you want that or would you turn that down? I feel like so many OW on here don't want marriage, but I wonder if that is just their stance now, since the MM is still married to his wife? It seems to me like so many put down marriage . Why? I want to be married to him. I want him out of his marriage and us to be married! I want our family and friends to celebrate our love. I want us to share every part of our lives. I want kids with him (or at least one). I know not everyone wants that (kids with the MM). How do you feel (and please know this post is open to everyone)??? Do you want marriage because of the love you share or are you content to just not have him/her married? During the affair I would daydream all the time about the two of us being married. Having a small wedding with close friends and family. Living in a home together...OUR home. All sounded very nice... However the reality getting to that point, if it is possible, is very very challenging. I left my H and MM left his wife. We moved in together and things were not as "tidy" as we had hoped. He has his own apartment now and we even took sometime where we didnt see one another for several weeks. We are in a much healthier place now but not near marriage. To think that I actually envisioned us married 2 years after the affair started. We are just at year 3 of knowing one another. One year after he left his W. We are still figuring things out. Seeing someone for a few hours per week in affair mode is a LOT different than living with someone 24/7. My BF (former MM) is wonderful and I love him so much but there are many things that have to happen before we can even think of marriage. We have both been in IC for 9 months and will begin Couples therapy soon. We have our children to deal with...We obviously have trust issues we BOTH lied and cheated obviously). I guess what I am trying to say is it is difficult to be certain what you want...One step at a time. See if he actually files for divorce, then have a normal dating relationship. Only then will you know if marriage with him is something you want. 5
MissBee Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 During the affair I would daydream all the time about the two of us being married. Having a small wedding with close friends and family. Living in a home together...OUR home. All sounded very nice... However the reality getting to that point, if it is possible, is very very challenging. I left my H and MM left his wife. We moved in together and things were not as "tidy" as we had hoped. He has his own apartment now and we even took sometime where we didnt see one another for several weeks. We are in a much healthier place now but not near marriage. To think that I actually envisioned us married 2 years after the affair started. We are just at year 3 of knowing one another. One year after he left his W. We are still figuring things out. Seeing someone for a few hours per week in affair mode is a LOT different than living with someone 24/7. My BF (former MM) is wonderful and I love him so much but there are many things that have to happen before we can even think of marriage. We have both been in IC for 9 months and will begin Couples therapy soon. We have our children to deal with...We obviously have trust issues we BOTH lied and cheated obviously). I guess what I am trying to say is it is difficult to be certain what you want...One step at a time. See if he actually files for divorce, then have a normal dating relationship. Only then will you know if marriage with him is something you want. This is such great advice! I do see that in affairs sometimes the steps seems to be confused or be going at an unnatural speed, where realistically, in the A, although you "dated", not really. And A dating and out in the open dating or living together are not the same. Indeed see if they divorce, then when they do, you should probably approach your relationship with a fresh start and date for real and take the time to see, like you would with any other, if marriage is the right thing. I think it is easy in the A to be carried away by such fantasies or because you went through so much, you feel extra bonded, and then decide you can skip that phase and just live together or marry. But in all fantasies, why they are so great, is that they aren't bounded by real obstacles and we can leave out aspects we don't like, speed or slow things down in our imagined version and basically it doesn't have to follow any rules of real life. Your story is a great example for OW on potential obstacles they may not think about and how to approach them. 1
4321sn Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 This is such great advice! I do see that in affairs sometimes the steps seems to be confused or be going at an unnatural speed, where realistically, in the A, although you "dated", not really. And A dating and out in the open dating or living together are not the same. Indeed see if they divorce, then when they do, you should probably approach your relationship with a fresh start and date for real and take the time to see, like you would with any other, if marriage is the right thing. I think it is easy in the A to be carried away by such fantasies or because you went through so much, you feel extra bonded, and then decide you can skip that phase and just live together or marry. But in all fantasies, why they are so great, is that they aren't bounded by real obstacles and we can leave out aspects we don't like, speed or slow things down in our imagined version and basically it doesn't have to follow any rules of real life. Your story is a great example for OW on potential obstacles they may not think about and how to approach them. I agree...we are finally just begining to feel "normal". We did do everything backwards. When he left his house he came directly to mine. HUGE mistake number 1. Much of the time he was so sad because he missed his children (even though they are older and were not around much..he said he had to face the reality that he will never live in the same home as his children. I had to try my best to be patient and understand. I thought why isnt he happy?? We wanted this for so long. Jumping into living together seemed like a good idea simply because we had waited so long. It was actually a big mistake and we are fortunate that we survived. I had to face the reality that he could also cheat on me. (as I could on him). He had done it to his wife, the mother of his children who he had been married to for 17 years. Why would I trust him not to do it to me? He was on a trip for his work overseas a few weeks ago. He checked in constantly. We did video chat. This is the reality of trying to build a relationship from an affair. Trust has to be earned. My thoughts of marriage have now turned to simply working on things day by day. Had I not been so naive I would have just hoped that we could both be free and available to even give the relationship a chance. I feel hopeful that we will get there and I am happy that we are moving forward...slow and steady. 2
MissBee Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I agree...we are finally just begining to feel "normal". We did do everything backwards. When he left his house he came directly to mine. HUGE mistake number 1. Much of the time he was so sad because he missed his children (even though they are older and were not around much..he said he had to face the reality that he will never live in the same home as his children. I had to try my best to be patient and understand. I thought why isnt he happy?? We wanted this for so long. Jumping into living together seemed like a good idea simply because we had waited so long. It was actually a big mistake and we are fortunate that we survived. I had to face the reality that he could also cheat on me. (as I could on him). He had done it to his wife, the mother of his children who he had been married to for 17 years. Why would I trust him not to do it to me? He was on a trip for his work overseas a few weeks ago. He checked in constantly. We did video chat. This is the reality of trying to build a relationship from an affair. Trust has to be earned. My thoughts of marriage have now turned to simply working on things day by day. Had I not been so naive I would have just hoped that we could both be free and available to even give the relationship a chance. I feel hopeful that we will get there and I am happy that we are moving forward...slow and steady. All wonderful points! So much insight.
daisy love Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Be careful what you wish for. I hate numbers, but I'm starting to see why the numbers aren't in our favor. 1
Happyface Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Early in the A I wanted to be living with him as I am too old to worry about getting married, kids etc. As the A got older, I looked at him and knew that I would never trust him. after the three years and in so many ways he had betrayed his wife. It turned out that he threw me under the proverbial bus anyway. I was correct in not trusting him. When I stopped trusting him, the A began to disintegrate because it was just a fantasy built on rainbows and lollipops. He betrayed her then me. Happy. 2
YellowShark Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Here's what I just don't get. If he'll cheat *with* you. Chances are eventually he'll probably cheat *on* you as well. So what's the attraction? Honestly. It escapes me. 3
standtall Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 4321..what a great post. IMHO, an unbiased opinion of reality. 1
skywriter Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hello Beachbabe82, I won't compare my A experience to anyone elses. I'll just say that from my experience, that I am of the mind that if he'd cheat with me, he'd cheat on me. I say this because of the blatant disrespect, displayed on so many occasions, as well as questions that I asked and the answers that I recieved. I stopped the A, because in my heart it was something I really never wanted anyway. Mine wasn't a Love A, just an A.
jwi71 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 OP, Given that you want to be M to your MM, what ACTIONS have you identified to help you reach your goal? What's your plan? Actually, that may be premature on my part. Perhaps the first Q you should answer is: Does your MM want to marry you? If not, game over. If so, whats the problem - why hasn't he? 1
Radagast Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I've been reading here foe a bit. I think I am seeing stuff like some of us OW are content to stay in an relationship with a MM until the bad outweighs the good. NOT ME!!! I want the marriage. I want the being together, living together, sharing bank accounts, sharing our lives completely! Those that are in an affair and those that were in an affair, are you/were you content to just be the OW? Do you/did you want marriage? If your AP comes to you, divorced, and offered marriage, would you want that or would you turn that down? I feel like so many OW on here don't want marriage, but I wonder if that is just their stance now, since the MM is still married to his wife? It seems to me like so many put down marriage . Why? I want to be married to him. I want him out of his marriage and us to be married! I want our family and friends to celebrate our love. I want us to share every part of our lives. I want kids with him (or at least one). I know not everyone wants that (kids with the MM). How do you feel (and please know this post is open to everyone)??? Do you want marriage because of the love you share or are you content to just not have him/her married? During the affair I certainly wanted marriage, in part because it was the only way we'd be able to live together being of different nationalities, and in part because I wanted our union to be acknowledged in the public eye as at least as valid as the marriage I was leaving to be with her. We got engaged while I was still married as a token of that commitment to marriage and we got married as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce.
Got it Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I've been reading here foe a bit. I think I am seeing stuff like some of us OW are content to stay in an relationship with a MM until the bad outweighs the good. NOT ME!!! I want the marriage. I want the being together, living together, sharing bank accounts, sharing our lives completely! Those that are in an affair and those that were in an affair, are you/were you content to just be the OW? Do you/did you want marriage? If your AP comes to you, divorced, and offered marriage, would you want that or would you turn that down? I feel like so many OW on here don't want marriage, but I wonder if that is just their stance now, since the MM is still married to his wife? It seems to me like so many put down marriage . Why? I want to be married to him. I want him out of his marriage and us to be married! I want our family and friends to celebrate our love. I want us to share every part of our lives. I want kids with him (or at least one). I know not everyone wants that (kids with the MM). How do you feel (and please know this post is open to everyone)??? Do you want marriage because of the love you share or are you content to just not have him/her married? Do I want marriage? At the time of the affair I wasn't sure. At this point we are engaged to be married. But no, the plan was never to be in an EMR for long term, it was a means to an end but a short term option before moving forward. While I loved him during the EMR, for me, that was not going to be a long term solution based on what I wanted and needed for my life. I do not fault others for it and think for some it is a fantastic situation but knowing myself it would not have worked. Each person is different and so like any dating what is the end goal in mind? For some it is marriage, for others it is not. You have to know yourself and go from there. It is okay that the EMR isn't enough for you regardless of how much you love him, and it is okay that the EMR is enough because of how much you love them. It is about the individuals and whether the good outweighs the bad.
wellwhynot Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I've been reading here foe a bit. I think I am seeing stuff like some of us OW are content to stay in an relationship with a MM until the bad outweighs the good. NOT ME!!! I want the marriage. I want the being together, living together, sharing bank accounts, sharing our lives completely! Those that are in an affair and those that were in an affair, are you/were you content to just be the OW? Do you/did you want marriage? If your AP comes to you, divorced, and offered marriage, would you want that or would you turn that down? I feel like so many OW on here don't want marriage, but I wonder if that is just their stance now, since the MM is still married to his wife? It seems to me like so many put down marriage . Why? I want to be married to him. I want him out of his marriage and us to be married! I want our family and friends to celebrate our love. I want us to share every part of our lives. I want kids with him (or at least one). I know not everyone wants that (kids with the MM). How do you feel (and please know this post is open to everyone)??? Do you want marriage because of the love you share or are you content to just not have him/her married? I just answered this on another post. I am perfectly content to have him in my life in whatever venue works for us. I have no need to be married to him. I think in a lot of relationships marriage ruins the relationship. I would prefer to continue to see him as who he is rather than background and I'd like him to feel the same way about me. If he were divorced and "free" and wanted to be married to me, and it was that important to HIM, I would consider it because HE is that important to me, but it's not something I would ever seek. I'd prefer to not go down that road honestly. I should also point out that I have no need to see him no longer married to her. I don't know if that makes a difference. As long as he's happy remaining married to her then I don't need him to be divorced.
MissBee Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I just answered this on another post. I am perfectly content to have him in my life in whatever venue works for us. I have no need to be married to him. I think in a lot of relationships marriage ruins the relationship. I would prefer to continue to see him as who he is rather than background and I'd like him to feel the same way about me. If he were divorced and "free" and wanted to be married to me, and it was that important to HIM, I would consider it because HE is that important to me, but it's not something I would ever seek. I'd prefer to not go down that road honestly. I should also point out that I have no need to see him no longer married to her. I don't know if that makes a difference. As long as he's happy remaining married to her then I don't need him to be divorced. I hope it doesn't seem like I am grilling you, but I notice that basically you defer to him a lot. In terms of it is what makes him happy, his choice to stay married, even if he wanted to marry you, you'd do it because it was important to him. Do you think you prioritize his feelings/;desires/wants over your own so that you can have him in your life in "whatever venue"? I guess sometimes what I see and have done too, is act like someone was so great that I had to have them in whatever way...and that way was usually most conducive to them. Which reminds me of the choosing love thing, where I was surely choosing them, but I began to think that they weren't choosing me that much. As in, I was already ready and willing to make them happy and agree to their terms so they didn't have to do much. Do you feel like if for some reason you mysteriously wanted him to leave her...let's say you evolved to wanting that. Do you believe that he would be just as willing to defer to what you want as you are to his happiness and desires? 1
Author beachbabe82 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 OP, Given that you want to be M to your MM, what ACTIONS have you identified to help you reach your goal? What's your plan? Actually, that may be premature on my part. Perhaps the first Q you should answer is: Does your MM want to marry you? If not, game over. If so, whats the problem - why hasn't he? Steps he has taken: Separated from his wife as of January 29, 2012 Has interviewed 2 possible attorneys. He has a 3rd interview on May 29. He has spoken to his children (ages 10 and 13) Has been in family counseling since March 20. They go weekly. In our area, a couple with children has to be legally separated a year prior to filing for divorce. He has told me he wants us to marry. I do not plan on getting married right when his divorce is final! Yet I also do not want to wait for a coup,e years before marrying. I want us to have a family, in addition to his 2 kids. He has also told me he wants me to have his child!!! During the affair I certainly wanted marriage, in part because it was the only way we'd be able to live together being of different nationalities, and in part because I wanted our union to be acknowledged in the public eye as at least as valid as the marriage I was leaving to be with her. We got engaged while I was still married as a token of that commitment to marriage and we got married as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce. So you and him got married right after the divorce? Wow! That was quick!! Not to be crass, but we're you pregnant? How long we're ya'll in an affair? Me and my boyfriend (Billy) have been together almost a year. We met over Labor Day weekend last year; he and his family were at this lake that lots of people go to (lots of water sking and tubing!!) and I was there with a bunch of my girlfriends! What a great trip!! I told him I didn't want to be one of those girls that dates a guy for years only to find out we were not on the same page with future plans. He knows my desires and wants, and is working towards us being together. He has his own place for now, he signed a 1 year lease when he moved out. I have my own condo, which would be fine for just him and me (and a baby down the road), but we will need something bigger cause of his kids. They can share a room, since they are girls,buti do t want to get them all set up and then kick them out when it's baby time. So we will see what is going on in January 2013. We've talked about buying our own place, but keeping my place so if his girls go to the local college, they can live in it if they want. Do I want marriage? At the time of the affair I wasn't sure. At this point we are engaged to be married. But no, the plan was never to be in an EMR for long term, it was a means to an end but a short term option before moving forward. While I loved him during the EMR, for me, that was not going to be a long term solution based on what I wanted and needed for my life. I do not fault others for it and think for some it is a fantastic situation but knowing myself it would not have worked. Each person is different and so like any dating what is the end goal in mind? For some it is marriage, for others it is not. You have to know yourself and go from there. It is okay that the EMR isn't enough for you regardless of how much you love him, and it is okay that the EMR is enough because of how much you love them. It is about the individuals and whether the good outweighs the bad. What do you mean about there was never a plan to bein an EMR for long term? How long have ya'll been together? I am not understanding what you mean about it being a means to an end but a short term option before moving forward? Are you saying you loved him duri g your affair, but you weren't going to be a long term other woman? What if he did t leave his wife? How long we're ya going to wait for him? I just know ME and know my limitations. I am not good with being a secret. I don't like it when we first started dating and it having to be in secret. I figure if he loves me like he says, he will want to be with me. I admit I never really thought about the "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you". I guess it isn't an issue for us. I trust him. I believe him. Why would I be with him I didn't? Why get involved with someone else, to the point of feelings and love, if not to have a future together?
MissBee Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I admit I never really thought about the "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you". I guess it isn't an issue for us. I trust him. I believe him. Why would I be with him I didn't? Why get involved with someone else, to the point of feelings and love, if not to have a future together? I hope you believe him based on some type of consistent evidence that this was an exceptional reason why he is lying and cheating or has learned...because frankly, love and infatuation make people believe all kinds of things and blind them to others. Simply loving someone is not enough to know they aren't lying or enough to trust them. I have a cousin I love dearly, but based on her consistent behaviors, I cannot trust her. Doesn't change my love but I would be foolish to trust her just because we're cousins and I love her, when her actual behavior is untrustworthy. The fact that on here many BS's will say they loved and trusted their cheating spouses, goes to show that loving someone is not reason alone to trust them. You have to trust them based on their actions. Post-A I do think it would be wise to do some damage control in the fidelity department...as unlike someone who just met someone and started dating them, who may know nothing of their past, you are privy to them currently cheating....so you have absolutely no excuse to not see it as something that you have to consciously address and take preventative measures against in your own relationship. 1
wellwhynot Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I hope it doesn't seem like I am grilling you, but I notice that basically you defer to him a lot. In terms of it is what makes him happy, his choice to stay married, even if he wanted to marry you, you'd do it because it was important to him. Do you think you prioritize his feelings/;desires/wants over your own so that you can have him in your life in "whatever venue"? I guess sometimes what I see and have done too, is act like someone was so great that I had to have them in whatever way...and that way was usually most conducive to them. Which reminds me of the choosing love thing, where I was surely choosing them, but I began to think that they weren't choosing me that much. As in, I was already ready and willing to make them happy and agree to their terms so they didn't have to do much. Do you feel like if for some reason you mysteriously wanted him to leave her...let's say you evolved to wanting that. Do you believe that he would be just as willing to defer to what you want as you are to his happiness and desires? You know, that's a REALLY great question. I think him staying married doesn't matter so much to me because it's been the constant, and I went into it with that being the status quo. It was a known factor and as my needs are in fact being met I'm ok with it. And perhaps I could have phrased it differently in regards to if he wanted to marry me. I have no need to marry him. It's not on my plan of "must do's" but if it was more important to him to be married than it was to me to be not married, then I'd be ok with that. I probably still didn't explain that correctly. If I were to want him to be "free" to be with me, we would address it then, but I think he often makes his choices for me, I am fairly confident that there is no reason that this would be any different.
twinsmom Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 So you don't have any children, but he had two daughters that are approaching college age? Is there a substantial age difference between the two of you?
Got it Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Steps he has taken: What do you mean about there was never a plan to bein an EMR for long term? How long have ya'll been together? I am not understanding what you mean about it being a means to an end but a short term option before moving forward? Are you saying you loved him duri g your affair, but you weren't going to be a long term other woman? What if he did t leave his wife? How long we're ya going to wait for him? The EMR was about a year which was the timeline assessed at the beginning of our relationship. We have been together a little less than 5 years and are now engaged. The EMR was a stop gap solution so he could wrap up things but it was not a long term structure I saw for myself. I understood that if divorcing was not in his cards he would not be able to abide by the agreed timeline but I was not going to be in an EMR indefinitely. At the end of the timeline and tied to discussions of divorce he had a dday and we were broken up for awhile. I refused to continue on especially after dday and he needed to focus on his life, without me, and assess what he wanted. I was not going to be the bandaid for other issues and there was not going to be any more fence sitting (at least my assistance to it). We got back together after he separated and moved out. Divorcing is a hard decision and especially if one has kids I can see the consternation around it. But I was not going to be his mistress forever. I was a spoiled mistress and was very demanding (lol sometimes I miss being the mistress now ) but I did want to have the ability to move a relationship into marriage, etc if so desired.
Author beachbabe82 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 So you don't have any children, but he had two daughters that are approaching college age? Is there a substantial age difference between the two of you? I am 26 and he is 36. No, I do not have any kids. I am looking forward to being a mommy one day.
Author beachbabe82 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Don't make too many plans for his children, you have no idea what you are going to get yet. I do not understand your post. I am not making any plans for his kids, that is between him and thir mom. I am not their mom, they have one and from what I haven seen and heard, she is a very good mom. MissB, thank you for taking the time to post to me. I really appreciate it. I admit I am not the most experienced girl. I have dated a few men and one was for 3 years. He hurt me a lot and I didn't date for a while after that, in fact, Billy is the first guy I have dated since the end of my 3 year relationship. I didn't plan on being his mistress and I would not be with him if he hadn't taken steps to show me that he was serious about me. No way would I be able to wait years like some do (I do not mean to sound snotty, just for me there is no way I would deal with sneaking around for that long!).
truthbetold Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I do not understand your post. I am not making any plans for his kids, that is between him and thir mom. I am not their mom, they have one and from what I haven seen and heard, she is a very good mom. MissB, thank you for taking the time to post to me. I really appreciate it. I admit I am not the most experienced girl. I have dated a few men and one was for 3 years. He hurt me a lot and I didn't date for a while after that, in fact, Billy is the first guy I have dated since the end of my 3 year relationship. I didn't plan on being his mistress and I would not be with him if he hadn't taken steps to show me that he was serious about me. No way would I be able to wait years like some do (I do not mean to sound snotty, just for me there is no way I would deal with sneaking around for that long!). I also see where you're making plans for his girls. You mentioned down the road them staying over, and when they're in college possibly wanting to stay in your condo:confused: If that's not a plan....And they're only 10 and 13 now so it seems premature to be planning out 5-10 years. Point is you should let this all unravel slowly and without your influence if you have a hope in hell of these girls accepting you let alone liking you. Sure there's a possibilty they'll welcome you with open arms, but there's a stronger possibility they won't want to have anything to do with you, especially if they ever find out the truth and the truth has a way of being found out. Unless they thought their parents were better off apart they aren't going to be happy about the split and it's going to take a lot of time and patience for them to adjust. Hopefully that's still on topic, if not since the Q was open to anyone , I'm very happy being married. If it wouldn't have been right I would have preferred staying single, bc I created my own happiness. So I never would have put up with sharing period.
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