HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) Okay, this is kind of a strange story, so please bear with me I'm 23 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I've had sex once as a drunken one night stand about 9 months ago. At this point I don't even have a single number in my phone book in terms of a girl who would be interested in dating me My problems originated from high school - I was a fat kid all throughout middle school and high school so I never really had any contact with girls. I was just a huge recluse from dating and didn't even get my first kiss until 19. After high school, I slowly got into bodybuilding and ended up losing about 60 LBs over a matter of 3 years and now I guess I look pretty good. Now my current situation is that I'm about to be done with school in 2 months (my classes begin in June). After that point, I'm going to have a pretty good job, try to make some good money and attempt to move out when I can. I do still live with my parents but I'm no loser or anything My problem is 2 fold. I don't feel comfortable around girls - I have some anxiety around them and feel like I can't really match up to what girls I want. I guess I have kind of a low opinion of myself and an extremely inflated opinion of girls. My second problem is I just don't have a lot of access to girls in natural situations. My friends don't know any girls, my job will be very male dominated in all likelihood and my only option for getting girls is approaching random strangers (which I absolutely hate) What would you guys recommend for me? All I want is a nice girl that can actually make me feel like I'm a normal human being and not a freak. I'm so sick and tired of going to social occasions with friends and family and having to constantly explain to them why I am always alone. Here's a picture of me if you're curious what I look like BTW Edited May 21, 2012 by HallowedBeThyName
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Expand your social network. Since your work will be male dominated, and your circle of friends is 100% male, I suggest taking up dancing, or something similar and meet girls through social activities. This will not only help you to get more exposure, it will also help you to build your confidence around them. Don't expect women to be perfect little goddesses. They are not. Women are, on average, just as flawed as men. You think otherwise, partly because of your limited experience with them. If it keeps on being a problem, you can always see a psychologist to help you overcome your issues. BTW, I was older than you when I had my first girlfriend.
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Expand your social network. Since your work will be male dominated' date=' and your circle of friends is 100% male, I suggest taking up dancing, or something similar and meet girls through social activities. This will not only help you to get more exposure, it will also help you to build your confidence around them.[/quote'] I just don't have time for stuff like dancing and other activities. I am gonna be working 45-50 hours a week, I workout another 6-10 hours a week, running errands, social life and then the rest of my time is just alone time for me to recharge myself mentally Don't expect women to be perfect little goddesses. They are not. Women are, on average, just as flawed as men. You think otherwise, partly because of your limited experience with them. I guess I "put the pussy on the pedestal" as the saying goes. I feel like girls have impossible standards and are looking for the perfect man. I have a hard time imagining any girl ever liking me I guess I still see myself as the fat kid in high school, even though I'm in great shape now
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I just don't have time for stuff like dancing and other activities. I am gonna be working 45-50 hours a week, I workout another 6-10 hours a week, running errands, social life and then the rest of my time is just alone time for me to recharge myself mentally A good social life will help. Social networks are one of the biggest sources of potential mates. When your friends and work colleagues get their girlfriends, that will almost automatically add more women to your social network. Some girls have impossible standards. Don't bother with those. As long as you are realistic in what you want, and know what you can offer, you'll get there. Remember, it is not about every girl liking you, but just one good woman. 1
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 A good social life will help. Social networks are one of the biggest sources of potential mates. When your friends and work colleagues get their girlfriends, that will almost automatically add more women to your social network. Some girls have impossible standards. Don't bother with those. As long as you are realistic in what you want, and know what you can offer, you'll get there. Remember, it is not about every girl liking you, but just one good woman. Well I want a girl who has a cute face, has an athletic figure and is a nice/sweet girl. Are those unrealistic standards?
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Well I want a girl who has a cute face, has an athletic figure and is a nice/sweet girl. Are those unrealistic standards? Not at all. Seriously, once you get some experience with girls and have your own place, they'll probably be running down your door.
ivalm Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 While I am a guy and am not really qualified to judge looks of other guys, I think you look fine (your face does, anyways). I think if you lift weights and have decent height/body weight girls should find you attractive. In terms of being in male dominated surroundings, yes, I can feel your pain. I too am in a completely guy dominated environment. It was OK in undergrad as I had girls in my lectures, but not really in grad school. I dealt with this problem by learning how to social dance which allowed me to meet a lot of really fun girls. It can take a bit of effort and it's a time investment but, if anything, you get a lot of friends (male and female). Also, dancing will afford you the opportunity to start talking to women on your own terms. You can talk to those you like for as long as you like during the dance and if you don't feel like talking you can just keep your mouth shut... Of course, if you don't like dancing, you can choose some other hobby, just make sure it has lots of girls that you will interact with closely (and that it will be a LARGE population of girls and you won't be stuck talking to the same 10 girls, with dancing it's nice that you have some classes/hardcore people who you know and are always there, but there are also tons of new people who you see once and never again, so you can improvise and improve your game on them). Hope this helps...
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Not at all. Seriously' date=' once you get some experience with girls and have your own place, they'll probably be running down your door.[/quote'] well I'm probably gonna live at home until right around 24-25. I don't want an apartment, I want to have a house Would this be an issue?
thecatsmeow Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 As a 23-year-old female who has had 4 boyfriends and lots of dating experience, I think you are very attractive!! You have a cute smile and look really friendly. It just looks like your main problem is that you're not used to interacting with girls, so dating them seems unrealistic at this point. Try developing friendships with girls first, so you can get a feel for being around them and not being awkward in their presence. Since you're still in school, you should use your last few months to go to every social school event available. Talk to girls in your classes about homework... just start with something simple like, "what do you plan to do after graduation?" and see where it goes from there. I've had a lot of guys approach me who are in my classes and see me standing alone while I wait for class to start. School is the easiest place to meet the opposite sex, so take advantage! 2
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 It could be a slight issue, in that you and the girl you'd be dating would not have a private place of your own. But if you get to that point, then well, you have already done great. ivalm has very valid points as well.
ivalm Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I just don't have time for stuff like dancing and other activities. I am gonna be working 45-50 hours a week, I workout another 6-10 hours a week, running errands, social life and then the rest of my time is just alone time for me to recharge myself mentally Ok,took my sweet time replying before seeing your posts.. I think you need to make time for hobbies. I work 50-60 hours, workout in gym ~ 7-8 hours, go dancing/etc for 5-7 hours per week, and have time for girls.. Seriously, if your social life is devoid of girls you need to expand your social life to areas where there are girls. Also, if you systematically work out for 6-10 hours/week you are probably attractive. Living at home.. depends, if you have confidence it doesn't matter, if you feel it's a weak point, then it can be crushing.
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Ok,took my sweet time replying before seeing your posts.. I think you need to make time for hobbies. I work 50-60 hours, workout in gym ~ 7-8 hours, go dancing/etc for 5-7 hours per week, and have time for girls.. Seriously, if your social life is devoid of girls you need to expand your social life to areas where there are girls. Also, if you systematically work out for 6-10 hours/week you are probably attractive. Living at home.. depends, if you have confidence it doesn't matter, if you feel it's a weak point, then it can be crushing. the dancing thing has absolutely zero appeal to me all to be honest. It's just too much work and it's not something I enjoy at all anyways
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 As a 23-year-old female who has had 4 boyfriends and lots of dating experience, I think you are very attractive!! You have a cute smile and look really friendly. It just looks like your main problem is that you're not used to interacting with girls, so dating them seems unrealistic at this point. Try developing friendships with girls first, so you can get a feel for being around them and not being awkward in their presence. Since you're still in school, you should use your last few months to go to every social school event available. Talk to girls in your classes about homework... just start with something simple like, "what do you plan to do after graduation?" and see where it goes from there. I've had a lot of guys approach me who are in my classes and see me standing alone while I wait for class to start. School is the easiest place to meet the opposite sex, so take advantage! I do interact with my friend's girlfriends and they all love me to death, if that makes a difference The issue with my school is that I actually go to school twice a week and it's 60 minutes away. I can't date girls from my school because most of them live at least 45 minutes to as far as 1 hour and 30 minutes away. I don't want to spend 800 dollars a month on gas I guess my big issue is I just can't imagine any girl liking me. I guess I'm a normal guy trapped in the mind of a complete loser
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 the dancing thing has absolutely zero appeal to me all to be honest. It's just too much work and it's not something I enjoy at all anyways You could also think of some sports or taking classes for instance. There are countless activities through which you can meet women. Just pick one of them that appeals to you.
Badsingularity Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I feel like girls have impossible standards and are looking for the perfect man. I have a hard time imagining any girl ever liking me Your story sounds a lot like mine. I was also fat in highschool with a very low self esteem and no GF. I looked at your pic and there is nothing wrong with your looks. Once you have built up your self esteem and have some confidence in yourself you will have no problem attracting women. Focus on these things if you want to attract women. Building up your self confidence. Believing in yourself. Developing inner strength and emotional control. Becoming a good but a strong man. Being assertive. Facing your fears. Like fear of rejection. Fear of saying the wrong thing in front of women. Fear of being embarrased. The best way to do this is to face them head on. Work on all of these things. The more you do the more success you will find with women. Also, understand that you can't do all this over night. It will take a few years, but stay focused because it's worth it. I used to feel just like you and be in your same shoes. Today I am happily married and it's been a long time since I had trouble attracting women. 1
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Your story sounds a lot like mine. I was also fat in highschool with a very low self esteem and no GF. How can I deal with my issues in terms of "putting the pussy on the pedestal" as the saying goes? I really don't have a huge problem with self esteem, I guess I just incredibly over inflate the value of girls
JesseJames Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I recommend going to one of those running things, where everyone gets together and blocks traffic in a stampede and pretends it's Barcelona. There are always those women there that were once fat as #$@! but look good now and they don't yet realize it. Yes, these events were made for you. Or, just skip all the nonsense and go see a whore.
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Or, just skip all the nonsense and go see a whore. I'm not really interested in just getting laid. I really want a girlfriend, somebody to be with on a rainy Sunday night when you're feeling a little down All this talk that all guys just want to pump and dump is ****ing bullsht 2
Badsingularity Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 How can I deal with my issues in terms of "putting the pussy on the pedestal" as the saying goes? I really don't have a huge problem with self esteem, I guess I just incredibly over inflate the value of girls Most guys especially when they are younger view women through rose colored glasses and see them as some higher value being just because they are women.....but let me tell you... Women are just like men. Some of them are stupid, some of them are jerks, some of them are liars. They are far from perfect. Just like men. Also, always remember that there are millions of girls out there, if you don't hit if off with one. There are plenty more out there.
JesseJames Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I'm not really interested in just getting laid. I really want a girlfriend, somebody to be with on a rainy Sunday night when you're feeling a little down All this talk that all guys just want to pump and dump is ****ing bullsht You can talk to whores to help you with interaction and whatnot. Nobody ever said you have to #$*! them besides you. These are the types that aren't exactly shy. Now, I've given two ideas. Do not expect a third.
ivalm Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 the dancing thing has absolutely zero appeal to me all to be honest. It's just too much work and it's not something I enjoy at all anyways Don't dance, but find a hobby that has girls in it.. what things do you like to do? Hobbies help because (1) you meet more girls and (2) you focus on the hobby and not on the girl, which helps with the whole pedestal thing. Eventually you'll just not put girls on pedestals, because frankly they don't deserve it. What they do deserve is respect and kindness, which, by the way, is the same thing that you deserve. Chances are you are not capable of cold approaching girls at this point.... So what you want is to have high propinquity with lots of girls. You want them to know you and see you as a person and fall in love with you and then all of your social awkwardness will really not matter too much. Despite what some posters say, many girls, especially 18 to early 20s, are hopeless romantics who can fall into deep crushes. However, these crushes usually aren't quite love at first sight, rather, they need a little time to meet you and sort of get to know you a bit and you need to not screw up in that first period. Again, when things are facilitated by a hobby I think it's easier.
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Most guys especially when they are younger view women through rose colored glasses and see them as some higher value being just because they are women.....but let me tell you... Women are just like men. Some of them are stupid, some of them are jerks, some of them are liars. They are far from perfect. Just like men. Also, always remember that there are millions of girls out there, if you don't hit if off with one. There are plenty more out there. Good points, yea I definitely fall into that category. I guess I just gotta see them as regular people with regular standards and stop being so harsh on myself Do I have a head up on my competition because I'm looking for something more than just sex? This is probably because I masturbate all the time, which compensates for not having sex. Nothing can compensate for the lack of female companionship
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Don't dance, but find a hobby that has girls in it.. what things do you like to do? Things I like generally involve very few women Sports Bodybuilding Videogames History/Technology Music Movies
Badsingularity Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Do I have a head up on my competition because I'm looking for something more than just sex? Yes, but only if you work on and develope those things I talked about in my earlier post.
Author HallowedBeThyName Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Yes, but only if you work on and develope those things I talked about in my earlier post. I'll try, the big thing for me is just to stop seeing women as having impossible standards and stop being so harsh towards myself 1
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