Ex fiance wants me to wait cause he needs time.... losing patience and too much drama

[peacefuldreamer]

Hi everyone. Need a liitle help here.

 

About a month ago my fiance and I broke up after 3 years. This isnt the first time and at first I was telling myself it wont be the last. The thing is the more I sit and think the more I dont know if I can put up with it anymore. I love him more than anything but our relationship has been full of drama to put it nicely. Heres the rundown...... When I met him he was married. I wouldnt get involved with him for a while because of it. Eventually by always being around and spending time with me and my friends he won me over (after he left his wife). The fact that he left her for me should have been red flag number one. I was blinded by him though, he treated me like a queen.

 

At first I wouldnt put up with him looking at me the wrong way but he always won me over again. Eventually it got to the point that he started treating me bad. He even went as far as taking my car while I was at work and dropping it off at my house instead of bringing it back to me. He did other things but you get the point. When he would do these things he would always go and sleep with one of his exes. By this time I was in love with him and I always forgave him.

 

Ok we'll jump ahead of right before our first year anniversary. We were out at the bar playing darts and singing karaoke where we got in a fight ( we were engaged at the time). I dont remember what the fight was about but I told him I wasnt ready to marry him and that we needed to take a step back cause we got engaged way too soon. I think it was 2 months after we got together He got upset of course but said he understood.

 

The next day he took my car and went to a friends house. He didnt get a hold of me til 3 in the morning. He claimed that he fell asleep at a friends after drinking. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we went on with ourlives. The next week we were getting ready to go to karaoke and he decides to tell me that he was actually at the bar with his friends and he was kissing some girl ( who he took to a park and screwed after). We broke up of course. I started seeing someone else a month later and he saw this and wanted me back so I took him back. A couple days later he decided to break up with me again. Most of the summer was like this. He would come back for a week or two maybe even a month and then decide he wanted someone else.

 

Just before Oct. he went to prison. We got back together when he first went and I stood by him and didnt go out or anything for over a year. All I did was take care of his son. I had his son more than his exwife did. Then I started finding out that he was having his exes write him and come see him. I forgave him once again. Well on my birthday I made a mistake. I got a little drunk and slept with someone. I was honest about it and he said he forgave me. Why wouldnt he he had done it to me more than once right. Well I messed up again in January. I told him about it when he got out ( I wasnt able to before that because I couldnt accept anymore calls from him). Once again he said he forgave me.

 

He got out of Prison in Feb of this year and everything was perfect for about 2 days. We worked through everything and moved in together in April. We spent our free time planning our wedding and everything looked great. Then his step dad decided to call and accuse me of not giving him his messages. ( I cant do anything right in his parents eyes.). He called his step dad and told him not to blame me for things. Well after that we recieved a message on our voice mail with his step dad calling me every name in the book. I was pissed needless to say. I bent over backwards for his step dad and his mom. Well for about a week he didnt talk to either of them. Then one night they called and I was mad and hung up the phone. His step dad called the police. Anyway that night he said he was going to go get cigarettes and I waited for about 2 hours and he never came home so I went out. He came home at about bar time and I was pissed. We got into a fight and he left. I figured he would go calm down and everything would be fime the next day. ( he did the same thing 2 weeks before... Oh did I mention he went and slept with his ex wife that night). Instead he came and moved out the next day.

 

At first we were trying to work things out then he got mad at me again and said he didnt want anything to do with me. Of course that ended the next day. Now he says he needs time and he wants me to be patient. We are still friends and he calls just about everyday and tell me he loves me and says goodnight to me. The thing is I am getting to the point that I need him to either make a commitment or not and stop the mind games. I love him and know that he loves me but theres too much drama. Not to mention I have been waiting for him too much in the last 3 years. I know I have made mistakes in the relationship just like him. Maybe it will never change since he does always seem to break up with me right before our anniversary. All I know is I am losing my patience with waiting the longer he takes.

[honey2005]

It sounds like his way of paying you back for fighting with him is to go and sleep with someone else. Do you really think you deserve this? Having to be with someone so childish that when you fight he has to go off and sleep with someone else? What will happen if you two do get married? Everyone fights, is he just going to go out and sleep other people? I know I couldn't handle that. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would make good husband material. Do you want to be married to someone that you wouldn't know if the next day they could be out sleeping around? That would scare me so badly. You sound like a very nice woman and you deserve so much better than that. Don't let him treat you this way. He just wants to be in control of you all the time, and if he doesn't get his way he has to find a way to pay you back.

[princess rose]

Hey Peaceful:

 

Your fiance doesn't need time, he needs an express bus to the nuthouse! I thought I had drama! I feel badly that you're letting him treat you this way, I know how that is, believe me! Anyway, RUN, don't walk far, far away from this man. He's abusing you, and you don't deserve that. Leave with your dignity intact and stay single for a while to get your bearings back. Then when you're ready, find someone who's devoted to you, and only you. It's hard to fathom that so-called grown-ups play these stupid childish games. Good luck.

[peacefuldreamer]

There are times that I think he does need to be locked away in a padded room. In fact I feel like I should be right now for loving him and wanting to work things out with him still. I continue to ask myself daily why I put up with it for so long. The only thing I can come up with is that I love him and keep hoping he will change. Since we broke up I have done everything in my power to get him to come back and I just cant do it anymore. He needs to prove to me he has changed before I can even consider taking him back. I left him message asking him to come over tonight so I can talk to him. I am going to be very clear and tell him that either it changes or I dont think we should see each other for a while. Maybe I am crazy to even put it that way. Maybe I should RUN far far away from him as you say. The thing is I have invested so much time and energy into this relationship I dont know if I can walk away without trying everything I can to work it out. I shouldnt be feeling that way though cause its pretty obvious he doesnt feel that way.

He really doesnt understand what he is doing to me I dont think. I love that he calls me and tells me he loves me all the time but its not fair to me to know that if hes not willing to commit to me. I guess the only thing I can do is tell him how it has to be and if he walks away then he does. Then I will at least know where I stand and wont feel like I am going crazy trying to figure out why he isnt with me if he loves me.

I think other than not seeing him and talking to him I am going to have a really hard time not seeing his son. I practically raised him for almost 2 years. Whenever he was out of school for some reason I had him including all summer last year. In a way I wish I never would have spent all that time with his son. It is a good thing that I did though cause I did alot of good for him. I know my fiance realizes this but I guess its not enough to him that I did it.

I wish I knew how to get the strength to just tell him to leave me alone if he isnt going to change. I feel like I am doing everything and he wont even meet me half way. I am just sick of it and need to find a way to tell him.

[Kate]

GET RID OF HIM. there is nothing else to say, and you will be in the nuthouse soon too if you think about this further. i wish you the best of luck.

[peacefuldreamer]

Yes I know I need to get rid of him. The problem I am having is everytime I try I end up breaking down and cant go through with it. I dont know how to turn off my feelings for him long enough to finish what I start. In fact I tried about 20 minutes ago. All it did was make him angry and me more depressed. I dont know how to get this man out of my head much less my heart. I know hes no good for me and I am wasting my time caring about him. I even tried to bring up all the bad things he has done to me but that doesnt even work cause he just makes me feel like it was all my fault. Any suggestions on how to get him out of my system enough by Sunday to be able to do this?

[princess rose]

Hey Dreamer:

 

Me again. Geez, you sound just like me! I guess the best thing to do is just to keep telling yourself about all those bad things your ex did, and with those thoughts and the passage of time, he'll become less important. Ok, I'm gonna go bang my head against a brick wall now, see if that helps me knock out my pesky feelings.

[peacefuldreamer]

Yeah a brick wall sounds inviting right now lol. I try that all the time I even sat and made a list or actually started to make a list of all he has done to me. I only got to 25 then was too tired lol. The 25 worked for last night well until he got online and imed me. I think everyone in the world is telling me to get rid of him and I know they are right I just cant do it. I feel pathetic. Here I sit knowing he is only going to continue playing games with me and I cant let go. I guess that it really doesnt help much that while I was with him I wasnt suppose to talk to my friends so I really dont have many now. Oh and I was "little miss homemaker" so I dont have a job to fall back on. So its like all I have is him but I dont even relly have that anymore. When I tried to tell him that I am sick of the way he is treating me he pretty much told me to leave him alone. So I will. But then he told me he would meet with me Sunday so I can talk to him about this. I knwo that wont go very well cause he doesnt have any patience for anything except what he wants. Not anymore at least. I am asking myself all the time why I even love this guy and for the life of me I cant find an answer. He was perfect at first but hes been nothing but a player for a long time now. Well except when he was in prison but he needed someone by his side then I guess. I guess it was my bad luck that it was me. lol.

[princess rose]

I can totally relate to the prison thing. My ex is currently sitting in County right now, this being his fourth incarceration. Yeah, they need someone to talk to because they get lonely being away from the real world. Anyway, it's good to writ your feelings down, that's therapeutic. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to be told you weren't allowed to have any friends. That right there is a sign of a SERIOUSLY CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE man. Don't let him use his charms to pull you back in. Lastly, go volunteer somewhere, you'll make friends and you'll do good for the human race, ya can't beat that!

[peacefuldreamer]

Well since we broke up I havent been able to take my engagement ring off. I have but everytime I did I felt completely sick and put it right back on. For the first time I have taken it off and kept it off. Its only been for about a half hour but its a start. I called a very good friend of mine and despite not having talked to him for years he asked if I wanted to meet him tonight. He is only a friend though. I am seriously considering it even though I know that there is a great chance that my exes friends will be at the same bar and tell him I was out with a guy. I am still a little afraid of what he might say or do but I cant put my life on hold for him any longer. I have done it long enough.

[princess rose]

Well, keeping that ring off is a good start. Oh, who cares what your ex or friends say about you, THAT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS ANYMORE! Move on, go hang out with whoever you like, enjoy yourself.