If you've dicussed marriage with a significant other, who brought it up first?

[make me believe]

I brought it up first in a "how do you feel about marriage in general" way when we first started dating, as a way to get to know him and gauge compatability. Later on, he brought it up in a serious "lets talk about US getting married" way.

 

I hate how scared people are to talk about marriage in their relationships. If you want to be married, it's important to discuss! If he doesn't want to get married, or doesn't want to marry YOU, don't you want to know that? I say forget all of this hinting around crap, and next time he starts hinting just initiate a straight forward conversation with him about it. You can just say something like "You seem to have been hinting around about marriage a lot lately. Is this something you're serious about with me or are you just daydreaming about 'what if'?"

 

Because, believe me, there's a HUGE difference between a guy who is willing to string you along with hints and fantasies that he never actually intends to fullfill, and somebody who actually WANTS to marry you. I've experienced both scenarios and the first one is not fun at all.

[zengirl]

I think I did. We were drinking Hurricanes. I basically said some comment about "a few years from now" and he joked at me and I joked back, "Well, we're basically going to get married someday" and he said it sounded good to him. About a month later, he proposed.

[LittlePrince]

I brought it up first in a "how do you feel about marriage in general" way when we first started dating, as a way to get to know him and gauge compatability. Later on, he brought it up in a serious "lets talk about US getting married" way.

 

I hate how scared people are to talk about marriage in their relationships. If you want to be married, it's important to discuss! If he doesn't want to get married, or doesn't want to marry YOU, don't you want to know that? I say forget all of this hinting around crap, and next time he starts hinting just initiate a straight forward conversation with him about it. You can just say something like "You seem to have been hinting around about marriage a lot lately. Is this something you're serious about with me or are you just daydreaming about 'what if'?"

 

Because, believe me, there's a HUGE difference between a guy who is willing to string you along with hints and fantasies that he never actually intends to fullfill, and somebody who actually WANTS to marry you. I've experienced both scenarios and the first one is not fun at all.

I've seen when a man is the first to ask and the last to talk about it and the common factor I have found is women can't handle a reasonable and rational discussion on this topic. By the end of it either way she'll be running off to her friends to hold a special session of the Legion of Doom to tear it apart and over analyze it bit by bit. "What do you think he meant?" If he is a man then he said what he meant. Just know by the end of it if he wanted to marry her or not really he'll come out looking like **** in their opinion and she shouldn't be with him.

[Onlyjonley]

It doesn't matter how afraid a man is about doing it, If he really wants it he's going to do it...this is something all men have to face, It's not easy I would imagine even for a guy who isn't necessarily shy about it...but it's a big decision and a big move/gesture, so I still strongly encourage letting him do this on his own time..he's in a relationship, how can he be afraid of rejection? and If he feels that then how strong is the relationship bond and communication? doesn't that strike you a little odd?

 

I'd be really apprehensive about defining the status of a relationship from a mans point of view, women like to do this and are usually pro-active and persistent in doing so and it's not a comfortable or pleasant experience for a man to just go along with the flow...a man really wants to feel like he's doing things on his own time and when he feels right, your "encouragement" is too far from my personal opinion..I mean how far do you expect to go? are you going to say "I do" for him at the altar for him because he's "too shy" and "make the big moves" for him? You've got to see something wrong with that, I think you're letting his "faults" enable you to go too far into the realm of pressuring someone to do something, this is marriage..a mutual decision, let him be a man and get the courage to at least do something in the relationship in terms of defining it, you did the relationship aspect of it, let him do the marital aspect of it, don't just keep making excuses for him and coddling him like a poor child...he's your man, not your son.

 

It's still early in the relationship, he still has time so I wouldn't egg him on so much. Let him make the little moves and the gestures, the only thing I would ever suggest doing If you feel a man is interested in proposing is nonchalantly pointing out rings in magazines or what not so he gets a sense of taste in what you would like to be wearing. But do it cleverly and not so obvious, use your clever girl trick tactics where the guy has no clue of why you're really doing it but you know why...he'll just think he's clever himself for picking up on it but you're really just making it obvious and that was your intention.

 

Appreciate the post. I definitely don't want to pressure or rush him into things. That happened to my brother, and I was able to witness how that affected his relationship -- I don't want to make the same mistake. When I mention wanting to bring up marriage with my boy, it's merely just to get a feel for the idea of us marrying in the future. I don't want him to feel like he has to do anything.

 

But he did mention this past week that he'd like to be settled down and in a house in the next couple of years, which surprised me.

 

I'll give it some more time.

[Onlyjonley]

I think I did. We were drinking Hurricanes. I basically said some comment about "a few years from now" and he joked at me and I joked back, "Well, we're basically going to get married someday" and he said it sounded good to him. About a month later, he proposed.

 

Whoa .. that was quick!

[xxoo]

But he did mention this past week that he'd like to be settled down and in a house in the next couple of years, which surprised me.

 

I'll give it some more time.

 

Did he mean settled down and in a house, with a woman? With you?

 

That could have been an opportunity to say, "Me too, but I'd like to be married first." (if that is true for you) Those conversations about "future plans" are a good opportunity to discuss how you each feel about marriage, in general and to each other, without being pressure to commit now.

[mostlyclueless]

Well, he brought it up, but it was in the context of saying he didn't want to be married again.

[KathyM]

My husband expressed his desire to marry me after we had been dating for almost a year, I accepted, and we were married six months later.

[ladyabstrused]

Well, he brought it up, but it was in the context of saying he didn't want to be married again.

 

Were you thinking of marriage with this guy though?