If you've dicussed marriage with a significant other, who brought it up first?

[Onlyjonley]

Just curious ...I know there are no set rules. I'd just like to hear about other posters' experiences.

[sid3]

She did, after less than two months of dating. I ran like hell.

[Eclypse]

We kind of both did. Just random stuff like: "when we're married we can live in a big house" "I hope the kids take more after me than you:lmao:" and so on. This is our first relationship though, so no one has been burned by love yet.

[Oxy Moronovich]

My current gf is my 12th gf. Like the rest, she was the one who brought up the issue of marriage. I don't mind discussing marriage. I hate being pressured into marriage. A couple previous gfs gave me an ultimatum regarding marriage, basically saying, "Either marry me or we have to break up." Well...I'm no longer with them.

[ladyabstrused]

We both got talking about it together. I ran cos I got scared. Lol...but then? Got pulled back and started to grow up to talk about it even more.

[january2011]

He did, after three months of dating. I'm didn't run, like hell or otherwise.

[CarrieT]

My BF and I have been together for eight months now and he is the one to bring it up; that it will happen but not yet.

 

He brings it up in abstract comments, like what sort of things he will tell his kids if they ask or his philosophies on marriage.

 

I don't bring it up because part of me wants to and doesn't want to be the needy girlfriend. We are planning on living together by the end of the year and - honestly - I am surprised he would want me to live with him as part of his family without showing his kids a commitment to marry. We'll see.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I've never brought it up myself...

 

And they have brought it up but I play dead.

 

But that was before...not AS scared of the M word.

Edited May 21, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Onlyjonley]

My BF and I have been together for eight months now and he is the one to bring it up; that it will happen but not yet.

 

He brings it up in abstract comments, like what sort of things he will tell his kids if they ask or his philosophies on marriage.

 

I don't bring it up because part of me wants to and doesn't want to be the needy girlfriend. We are planning on living together by the end of the year and - honestly - I am surprised he would want me to live with him as part of his family without showing his kids a commitment to marry. We'll see.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat as to whether I should bring it up or not. My boyfriend and I talk a lot about the future: buying a house, marriage, kids, parenting, baby names, finances, weddings, honeymoons, morals, values, etc. But we've never discussed doing these things together and as one.

 

He hints at marriage a lot. He has hinted at it several times just in the past week. But he can be shy when it comes to making a big move or revealing too much of his feelings. (He has even admitted to this before.) So I'm not sure if I should bring it up or wait on him.

 

We are attending wedding festivities this whole next weekend for my brother. So maybe that will nudge him a little.

[CarrieT]

I'm kind of in the same boat as to whether I should bring it up or not. My boyfriend and I talk a lot about the future: buying a house, marriage, kids, parenting, baby names, finances, weddings, honeymoons, morals, values, etc. But we've never discussed doing these things together and as one.

Well, my BF and I are older (I'm 48 and he's 52). He has three kids and I never wanted kids. We've both been married before so we don't have those types of discussions that involve baby names or whatnot, just where we are going to retire (England), so our long-term plans are on a different wavelength.

 

I haven't been married in over 23 years and I believe it is more important to me than it might be to him. I know that for him, marriage means he will be financially responsible for "us" and that I have to take care of a serious number of bills before a marriage is possible.

[Woggle]

They have always been the one to bring it up first. To me marriage doesn't make much difference but I will do it if a woman really wants to.

[mesmerized]

In my case the guys brought it up. We didn't really discuss it because I was never ready, they just brought up that they are willing for it.

[Ursa]

I have been proposed to a few times. Three times it was a complete surprise, not something I ever brought up, or ever would have brought up. Only one of those was a serious relationship, and I did end up saying yes and being engaged that time for a couple of months before I realized it wasn't the right thing. Twice I said no, but they were more to do with green cards or keeping the other guy's pressuring family happy and not a real marriage. Once I was in a relationship where we talked about marriage but never got around to getting engaged...I can't remember who brought it up first, I think it was actually me, but we were both young and not talking about it too seriously.

 

When I was in an LDR with my now-husband and he asked me to leave my city and the life I had built there to move in with him and his daughter, I did tell him that I wouldn't do that for somebody that didn't see marriage as a strong probability--essentially, that we were working towards marriage as a goal, as long as living together was healthy and happy. So I guess I brought it up first with us, but when we moved in together I was 31 and he was 36 and we were both looking to make a family and grow old together.

[threebyfate]

Always the guys which also included the "ILY" component. My preference resides and resided with assertive men rather than the more passive variety.

[RiverRunning]

Oh Lord...my ex was 25 when we met and he was already established, had a really good job (wound up getting a really, really AWESOME career about 2 years ago).

 

For the first YEAR, I didn't even know if he ever saw himself getting married, let alone married to me. I really just wanted to know if he saw marriage in the cards, because otherwise I felt I was wasting my time with him. I was youngish when we started that relationship (21) so I wasn't looking for marriage then and there, but I realized that 5 years down the road I probably would be.

 

Finally I cornered him a little after a year together (can't believe I waited that long just to know his VIEWS on it) - because if I dared ask about marriage, I'd get a grunt, bitchy comments or a 'I'm not talking about that' - and told him I needed to know or I was walking. Don't regret that a bit. He finally told me he DID see himself getting married, and possibly to me, but he wasn't making any 'promises.' That was fine. I really just needed to know that first part.

 

It would've made so many of the insecurity issues we had in our relationship much, much better if he could've just been honest and straightforward.

 

Around the 2 year, 2 1/2 year mark he started talking about getting married more seriously. I admit I probably badgered him a bit around that time - again, insecurity issues that he willingly contributed to and pretended to be oblivious to, despite my comments.

 

But from the 2 1/2 year point on (we broke up around the 4 year mark), he brought it up at least once or twice a month. We sort of looked at rings, he was going to get a house, we were going to have the whole she-bang. He was going to propose, he was saving up, he was trying to do it 'right,' blah, blah, blah. But despite all of his talking, he was terrible at follow-through. Which is why I dumped his butt. I gave him a reasonable amount of time (very reasonable, IMO) and he just wouldn't get off of his duff.

 

The only way I'd go back now is if he shapes up and decides he's ready to start putting action behind those words. I've learned that talk is cheap. I'd imagine women bring it up first more often (I did). I started asking his feelings about marriage around the four to six month mark. Not "MARRY ME."

 

That didn't come until around the 2ish year mark, which I still feel is reasonable, even though I was a bit young.

[Mutant Debutante]

He brought it up. I had such bad examples, I was afraid of marriage...plus I never thought I'd find a guy who would be so good with my sisters and cool with me having custody.

 

I'm glad he brought it up though

[xxoo]

I can't believe this.....but I can't remember

[d'Arthez]

I can't believe this.....but I can't remember

As long as you remember the actual wedding? (I think you are married? Please correct me if I am wrong)

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think that any man that knows he's going to marry you and truly is in love with you will marry you or at least get engaged within the first two years of the relationship.

 

Anything longer than that then only exists because there is doubt emotionally...lingering doubts of knowing he has to fight through his emotions that do not exist and encourage himself to create this attitude that getting married to this person is the right thing to do and OK....a convincing process further imposed and hurried by the woman.

 

I used to think when I was younger "well what would be the rush, if you're with someone after 4 years and you still love each other then you can decide" however after thorough experience and looking back on it, I think a man knows pretty early on whether or not he will marry you, there's no magic process or steps to reassurance or anything like that...he either knows he will or he wont...or at least what he really wants...whether you're the right girl is the biggest question he'll have If he does not...and I think a woman should let the man initiate that process because It's too often I see the situation pressured, however I don't believe a man should pressure a woman either but I think he should initiate...I'm not exactly onboard with this whole feminist movement of 50/50 on everything, I still believe a man should be a man because it works best that way, the dynamic is more natural.

[Onlyjonley]

I think that any man that knows he's going to marry you and truly is in love with you will marry you or at least get engaged within the first two years of the relationship.

 

Anything longer than that then only exists because there is doubt emotionally...lingering doubts of knowing he has to fight through his emotions that do not exist and encourage himself to create this attitude that getting married to this person is the right thing to do and OK....a convincing process further imposed and hurried by the woman.

 

I used to think when I was younger "well what would be the rush, if you're with someone after 4 years and you still love each other then you can decide" however after thorough experience and looking back on it, I think a man knows pretty early on whether or not he will marry you, there's no magic process or steps to reassurance or anything like that...he either knows he will or he wont...or at least what he really wants...whether you're the right girl is the biggest question he'll have If he does not...and I think a woman should let the man initiate that process because It's too often I see the situation pressured, however I don't believe a man should pressure a woman either but I think he should initiate...I'm not exactly onboard with this whole feminist movement of 50/50 on everything, I still believe a man should be a man because it works best that way, the dynamic is more natural.

 

I completely agree -- I also would prefer he initiate the whole process. I'm just afraid he's too shy to do so. I love my boyfriend, but he's is a bit afraid of rejection, and doesn't always know how to go about things. I was the one to first initiate the 'define the relationship' talk because he was a tad bit afraid to. Overall, he's not an insecure person. Just when it comes to big moves. Any tips on that? I know he's thinking about marriage with all of these hints he keeps dropping, but I just want him to come out and actually talk about us already.

[threebyfate]

The next time he drops a marriage hint, run with it. It's not that complex.

[pink_sugar]

We both did. We just started talking and I remember him saying we'd have a fairly big wedding because of all his relatives.

[Pyro]

I'm not sure who brought it up first, but I at least remember where we were and when it occurred if that matters.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I completely agree -- I also would prefer he initiate the whole process. I'm just afraid he's too shy to do so. I love my boyfriend, but he's is a bit afraid of rejection, and doesn't always know how to go about things. I was the one to first initiate the 'define the relationship' talk because he was a tad bit afraid to. Overall, he's not an insecure person. Just when it comes to big moves. Any tips on that? I know he's thinking about marriage with all of these hints he keeps dropping, but I just want him to come out and actually talk about us already.

 

It doesn't matter how afraid a man is about doing it, If he really wants it he's going to do it...this is something all men have to face, It's not easy I would imagine even for a guy who isn't necessarily shy about it...but it's a big decision and a big move/gesture, so I still strongly encourage letting him do this on his own time..he's in a relationship, how can he be afraid of rejection? and If he feels that then how strong is the relationship bond and communication? doesn't that strike you a little odd?

 

I'd be really apprehensive about defining the status of a relationship from a mans point of view, women like to do this and are usually pro-active and persistent in doing so and it's not a comfortable or pleasant experience for a man to just go along with the flow...a man really wants to feel like he's doing things on his own time and when he feels right, your "encouragement" is too far from my personal opinion..I mean how far do you expect to go? are you going to say "I do" for him at the altar for him because he's "too shy" and "make the big moves" for him? You've got to see something wrong with that, I think you're letting his "faults" enable you to go too far into the realm of pressuring someone to do something, this is marriage..a mutual decision, let him be a man and get the courage to at least do something in the relationship in terms of defining it, you did the relationship aspect of it, let him do the marital aspect of it, don't just keep making excuses for him and coddling him like a poor child...he's your man, not your son.

 

It's still early in the relationship, he still has time so I wouldn't egg him on so much. Let him make the little moves and the gestures, the only thing I would ever suggest doing If you feel a man is interested in proposing is nonchalantly pointing out rings in magazines or what not so he gets a sense of taste in what you would like to be wearing. But do it cleverly and not so obvious, use your clever girl trick tactics where the guy has no clue of why you're really doing it but you know why...he'll just think he's clever himself for picking up on it but you're really just making it obvious and that was your intention.

[LittlePrince]

The one who wanted it for the wrong reasons.