thomasb Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I know now that OW thought that my wife and I must have had no or very little of a sex life during the affair. It wasn't true. We still had sex several times a week. And it was great! After the affair it was truly astronomical. It was like rediscovering each other times fifty. We still had our issues and discussions outside of the bedroom... but once there we were and still are all over each other. Our degree of intimacy increased overnight. Did anyone else find this to be true? 1
SomedayDig Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I have my own thoughts about this, but yes...our lovemaking intimacy has dramatically increased since Dday. I have a few hypotheses. When we first met 13 years ago sex was absolutely fantastic. It was several times per week and always intense! Fast forward to year seven of being married and things had begun to fizzle. Not because of lack of love but because of lack of communication. It was at that time that she began her affair which lasted 5 years. During her affair we still had sex but not often enough...also I was a pilot and was gone from home a ton which exacerbated the lack of communication and sex in my opinion. During the affair my wife had to keep her secrets from me. She built up a wall that was extremely thick and pretty impenetrable. That was her defense mechanism and her self preservation mode. Our sex life was lackluster at best, but I always tried to make sure it was special when we did have sex. Obviously, if only I knew. Fast forward to 11 weeks since Dday and our sex life is, like yours, pretty astronomical. Some will call it hyper bonding. I don't care what the label is. What I see is that for once, since previous to our communication issues and her illogical choice to have an affair, we are BOTH 100% open and honest with each other. We talk about everything. We sit together and just hang out - sometimes without even saying a word. I think that intimacy, coupled with not having anything to hold back, has created a much healthier and exciting sex life. 3
beenburned Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Yes, I remember hysterical bonding clearly as being off the charts! Even though we had regular sex all during the time he was cheating, he had clearly build up a wall to try and prevent his guilt from getting the best of him. He was very distant and cold. And if I dared question him about the cause of it, he would get angry and start yelling that I was imagining things. (I experienced lots of gaslighting during this time period) 2
Author thomasb Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 The connection and pure joy at reunification was incredible. I have never felt better about myself or another person before or since. I had never opened myself up to anyone so emotionally or physically before. I, for one, am so lucky my wife is such a beautiful, warm, loving, forgiving, and understanding woman. 4
Author thomasb Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 What I see is that for once, since previous to our communication issues and her illogical choice to have an affair, we are BOTH 100% open and honest with each other. We talk about everything. We sit together and just hang out - sometimes without even saying a word. I think that intimacy, coupled with not having anything to hold back, has created a much healthier and exciting sex life. This is funny. We are the same. Something I read by an OP said that she finds it sad to see married people together in a restaurant who just look at each other with nothing to say. Having been so intimate with my dear wife now... I know there are times we effectively communicate without having to speak. I find it sad that some people will never achieve that sort of true intimacy. It is all a part of true bonding. 3
Danie Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Yes, we experienced that, too. I believe it was because we’d come so close to the *end* of our life together that our coming back together was so appreciated. There are things that I read on the OW/OM board (and other such forums) that I’d like to speak to…like the non-talking when dining comments…that outsiders wouldn’t understand but when it’s all said and done the only two people that need to understand are me and my hubby. 4
SomedayDig Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 The connection and pure joy at reunification was incredible. I have never felt better about myself or another person before or since. I had never opened myself up to anyone so emotionally or physically before. I, for one, am so lucky my wife is such a beautiful, warm, loving, forgiving, and understanding woman. One thing that my wife said of the affair (which I can honestly say was difficult to hear...but it was the truth) was that she enjoyed the "unencumbered" sex. No baggage with the xOM. Now that she is out of her affair fog, she realizes that even though we had/have marital issues that WE can have unencumbered sex because WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER! We don't hold back on feelings any longer. Even when it hurts to say, it is best to say it than hold it in to "take care of the other". Marriage is true partnership. Pure honesty is the only real way to keep that intact. And with that, you can certainly enjoy the "fruits" of said marriage. Like terrific sex! Of course the talking and just holding one another is nice, too 4
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 For us, except on D-Day night, sex decreased by a lot. Well then there was a short make up period after 6 weeks of no affection. There was some hyper sex at that time. It started us on a trend for the better..which ended when I finally snapped because she wouldn't commit to quitting the dojo where OM goes.
pattyfromMV Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 so true what you are saying I just found out my husband was having and affair with my best friend ,she knew my most intimate secrets and used it to her advantage to befriend my husband. Ultimately leading to having an affair and even getting pregnant to take him. But I completely agree the past 10 days we have had sex with a different kind of passion ,no more secrets leads to an ultimately pure connection in the bedroom. I haven;t actually forgiven him its to fresh and I'm still shocked and numb but for some insane reason I desire him more than I ever had and sex is the best ever.Pure honesty is a total aphrodisiac.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 so true what you are saying I just found out my husband was having and affair with my best friend ,she knew my most intimate secrets and used it to her advantage to befriend my husband. Ultimately leading to having an affair and even getting pregnant to take him. But I completely agree the past 10 days we have had sex with a different kind of passion ,no more secrets leads to an ultimately pure connection in the bedroom. I haven;t actually forgiven him its to fresh and I'm still shocked and numb but for some insane reason I desire him more than I ever had and sex is the best ever.Pure honesty is a total aphrodisiac. ^^^^This is probably why things never got that good for us...there was never much honesty, and she continues to distort the truth like crazy to me, her family, etc. Our only brief hysterical sex period was after I had finally learned the full truth and she was starting to come back to me.
Spark1111 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Well, the longest we could keep our hands of each other, including the birth of three children, was when he had major spinal surgery --13 days! So whenever I bumped into a divorced male friend after dday, he would admonish me that if I had not been satisfied or willing to have sex with my H, he would go elsewhere. (OH yeah, projection folks!) They were incredulous when I informed them that my H and I had sex at least twice a week during his affair, although he told her we rarely to never did. So, I guess, his affair wasn't about sex. It was about ego-validation, though I am sure they tons of sex as she was falling in love with him. We have always shared a strong, sexual chemistry, which today, the more I know of the world and relationships, is extremely rare. I guess we ARE blessed. Sex was NEVER our issue. Communication (on his part) was. 1
Bellechica Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Well, since my H and I are working on communicating and I got up the nerve to discuss our sexual issues with him. That was hard for both of us, but I'm on a three day hot steak of the best sex we have had since our honeymoon. He even intiated it last night and he didn't act so shy at all. This doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect or that he is going to do all the things I might be interested in, but wow. I hadn't seen that side of him in 15 years! I could get addicted to it..... 1
frozensprouts Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 The connection and pure joy at reunification was incredible. I have never felt better about myself or another person before or since. I had never opened myself up to anyone so emotionally or physically before. I, for one, am so lucky my wife is such a beautiful, warm, loving, forgiving, and understanding woman. i really like this:) have you told your wife this? 1
frozensprouts Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Yes, I remember hysterical bonding clearly as being off the charts! same here...between that and the fact that he was leaving for six months to a year really caused us to "ramp things up" Even though we had regular sex all during the time he was cheating, he had clearly build up a wall to try and prevent his guilt from getting the best of him. He was very distant and cold. And if I dared question him about the cause of it, he would get angry and start yelling that I was imagining things. (I experienced lots of gaslighting during this time period) again, same here. If I would ask him if anything was wrong he'd tell me "no" then tell me i was acting "depressed"... please find responses in bold
seren Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I think most people who, having been through the turmoil of a D Day and the, WTF was that all about? when realising that what was wanted was always under their noses, go through the sexual bonding stage. It is, IMO, a primal thing and a holding on and not letting go to stop each other from drowning reaction. Most long term relationships go through familiarity and what I call comfortable, not boring, just comfortable sex. No one is comfortable after D Day or during an A, so the sexual bonding is bound to be more intense as feelings usually are. When H and I met, way back in the day, we were different too. Our social life was one of parties, drinking, dancing and without too much responsibility, other than that of wringing each moment out of the day, as is the wont of young people and young people in the throes of getting to know you love. Over the years, it changes, it has to. It doesn't necessarily become boring, but an element of comfort is had by the routine and everyday'ness of a loving relationship. The importance of a wild sex life cannot and does not compare to deeper intimacy. I love champagne but if I had it every day, it would become the norm and not a treat, and it gives me heartburn so little and often of that. A cup of tea is comforting and one I look for every day. Similarly with the no holds barred sex, there are only so many ways to hang off a lightshade!! Pre A, our sex life was dammed good and as spontaneous as we liked, post A we had the usual HB time, which TBH, while bloody great, felt false and so when the intimacy returned we were both glad. Again, not boring or routine, just a feeling of us being back to where we wanted to be. Cuddles on the sofa, Sunday morning lie in's and weekend back to bed afternoon's are the things that make me go ooh and our lightshade occasionally gets action too. It's what floats our boat and has worked for this very long time.
Author thomasb Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 i really like this:) have you told your wife this? Innumerable times! We both try and compliment each other daily. Believe me though, if I am being an a** she has no problem telling me. I can get a little sarcastic occasionally, so she reminds me I have to play nicely with the adults or go to bed early! Which, if she joins me hardly is punishment... 1
Radagast Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I know now that OW thought that my wife and I must have had no or very little of a sex life during the affair. It wasn't true. We still had sex several times a week. And it was great! After the affair it was truly astronomical. It was like rediscovering each other times fifty. We still had our issues and discussions outside of the bedroom... but once there we were and still are all over each other. Our degree of intimacy increased overnight. Did anyone else find this to be true? My ex-wife and I did not have sex during the affair at all. She did try to seduce me once early on but I was completely unable to become aroused. I am not able to make love to more than one woman. If I love someone then all other women cease to be sexual entities to me.
nofool4u Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I know now that OW thought that my wife and I must have had no or very little of a sex life during the affair. It wasn't true. We still had sex several times a week. And it was great! After the affair it was truly astronomical. It was like rediscovering each other times fifty. We still had our issues and discussions outside of the bedroom... but once there we were and still are all over each other. Our degree of intimacy increased overnight. Did anyone else find this to be true? Consider yourself lucky. I don't know how your wife does it, not that you haven't done everything a remorseful WS should do after dday. There was no way I was going to get back with my wife. And if I did stay for the kids, I wouldn't have been able to have sex with her. The thought of it would make me want to vomit. I'd be thinking, "this is what she has been doing with other guys, and probably still wants to". So that was probably the single biggest factor that led me to divorce her. The thought that sex, intimacy, or any kind of affection had been tainted from that point on.
nofool4u Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Well, since my H and I are working on communicating and I got up the nerve to discuss our sexual issues with him. That was hard for both of us, but I'm on a three day hot steak of the best sex we have had since our honeymoon. He even intiated it last night and he didn't act so shy at all. Little does he know you had sex with other men behind his back. So basically what just happened here is you discussed the issue with him, leaving him to believe that he needs to change in order to make things better, not knowing you cheated. In other words, you led him to believe he is the only one that has any improving to do. 2
SomedayDig Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Working on communication and actively lying at the same time is simply counter productive. As nofool said it very well could be...like MY situation for the last 5 years, extremely possible that your husband thinks he is the one with the problem. The OP is talking about how EFFECTIVE communication and honesty has brought about positive change in sexual bonding. Well, at least that's how I read it and answered it.
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