Riseabove Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 So is it healthy to meet up with exes?? My ex broke up with me in july last year. I'm 37 and she is 36. She was the love of my life, the kind of connection you would have to experience to believe. I've been struggling real hard to cope with it but the last few months have been better. I have realized that in many ways I'm better of without a relationship that makes me feel inadequate. I have been NC ever since the breakup. I have done it for myself as an attempt to forget about her. I have never begged for her to come back because I dont want to be the psycho ex-boyfriend that I probably would come across as. She has not tried to contact me either, until tuesday last week. She sent me an sms out of the blue just before I was about to leave from work and asked if I wanted to go for a coffee. Afraid to seem like the bitter idiot I probably am to a certain degree, I said yes and met up with her 20 minutes later. My heart was racing. I guess the main reason for saying yes was my curiosity. I was curious to how I would react from meeting her again. Maybe all my hard work of forgetting her would be all for nothing. I thought **** it and go for it. It was really strange seing her again. To speak metaphorically it seemed like she had lost all her colour. She was not as beautiful as I could remember. Probably because she is not in love with me anymore. We decided to grab some coffee and go for a walk, something we used to do for hours when we first met. Five meters into our conversation she brought up all her trouble with her ex before me, the father of her child. He was a re-occurring theme in our relationship, and the psycho ex-ex played a big part in us breaking up. My first thought was "Oh god, here we go again. I'm really glad I'm not a part of this anymore". She asked me for alot of advice because the crazy ex-ex is now dragging her to court to try to get custody of her child. I gave her some advice but I really should have told her to talk to her new boyfriend about it and ruin their relationship as well. She also told me that I probably knew that she had a new boyfriend. I told her yes and that I expected her to find someone new pretty soon after us breaking up. (This is because of her age 36 and the fact that she wants a second child). She kept telling me that she did not plan to get a new boyfriend this soon (by finding someone on a dating site I think she is wrong about that), and that she would never experience falling in love with someone as hard as with me, or love anyone as much as she loved me. She told me that stability was a big reason for her choice (he is a wealthy, older man with a big house) and that she was going to move in with him in a couple of months and would only be working 60%. She had learned to appreciate him over time she said. He lives in the small town where she always dreamed that we would own a big house one day. She also told me that he has a grand piano, the most expensive one there is and that she had been practising a lot. I told her that she must be happy now and that he must have a lot of money to be able let her work only 60%. Once more she almost apologized for being in a relationship with this man but stated that she wanted safety and that he could provide it. I told her that she did not have to apologize to me for her starting a new relationship as long as it made her happy. Some moments were nice and we laughed and a couple of times I almost forgot that we had broken up. After three hours I decided that I had to go. I gave her a hug and told her that we most likely will not meet again before she moves to the other city in two months and wished her good luck. I left feeling quite good but I realized the next day what an exhausting meeting it had really been. I experienced the same feeling of exhaustion that I had during the end of our relationship. When I think about it she almost exclusively talked about herself and her psycho ex-ex. The few things I told her about myself was that I sorted out my debt that kept us from buying an apt together two months after she left me, and that I was looking to buy an apt now. She asked me if I still was working out and touring with my band. I told her yes and that I had planned going to Thailand and do Muay Thai next year. Its not like I have changed my life upside down after she left. To sum it up. Even if it was exhausting I am still happy that I met her because I was able to see her in a different light. Not like the godess a remembered her as. I am glad that I'm rid of her mother, sister and ex-ex. Her mother was constantly complaining about me and the fact that I was not rich. I have a decent job and income but I am not rich. Her mother is married to a rich authist that does everything she asks for. Her sister accused me of using my ex by wanting to live with her for free. The reality was that my ex almost forced me to move into her small appartment. She wanted me to move in with her so that I could save money for us buying an appartment. I was hesitant because I know that 2 adults and a three year old living on 25 square feet would be unfortunate. Anyway, I finally agreed to move in with her because she told me that I was not serious about our future if I did not start saving my rent-money for our future home. My opinion was that living in separate appartments and spending a little more time saving would be the best for our relationship. She admitted during our conversation that living together in that small appartment probably was not a good choice. I did not say "I told you so". I have seen her real values now and they are materialistic. I have lost trust in her and to some degree I have also lost some respect for her. She is not the one I thought she was and we are better of without eachother. She is sadly following the same path as her mother and sister, finding men that they don't love and just want to be provided for. It's sad because I really loved her and I really thought we were more alike. I'm just bummed that I could be so wrong. I'm still not ready to date others but I am a hell of a lot closer. I am still a little bit curious as to why she wanted to meet me. A part of me suspects that she only wanted to get advice regarding her ex-ex without having to trouble her new boyfriend with it. Maybe she wanted to meet me to see if she still had some love for me before taking the big step of moving to another city with her new man. Or maybe she just wanted to see me. God knows and I'll probably never get an answer.
immitable Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Maybe she wanted to meet me to see if she still had some love for me before taking the big step of moving to another city with her new man. She did. You really acted cool and collected. She is a proof that acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. I feel you as similar thing happened to me, being her mother and all. Mine is 35 and I'm 36 and we have known eachother for a long time, 5 ys relationship. I disagreed with her mother (control freak) once and since then her whole family (heavily influenced by her mother again) just waited for an opportunity to paint me black.
Author Riseabove Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 She did. You really acted cool and collected. She is a proof that acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. I feel you as similar thing happened to me, being her mother and all. Mine is 35 and I'm 36 and we have known eachother for a long time, 5 ys relationship. I disagreed with her mother (control freak) once and since then her whole family (heavily influenced by her mother again) just waited for an opportunity to paint me black. I feel for you, because it's not a healthy place to be. One thing I have realized the last 10 months is that I have lots of friends and people that love me for who I am. I am also satisfied with who I am and my life. This beats feeling inadequate any day. All my previous in-laws from older relationships have always been very welcome and nice to me. This is the first time I have experienced something like this and it will be the last.
Phanpooh Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Your story is the type " same of mine but different details" and however, now i could understand what empty feeling i get in this time ^_^, however, she just want to check it again before she go. She want to make sure that, her choice is right for her own benefit. But however, she keep talking about herself too much mean that, she is lonely and she need somebody support for her, in this case, that is closest EX. That why she didn't talk with her new BF about stuffs. She also afraid of " Sure", just confused... When people usually decide to do sth, they will look at past and do it in present, but just hope for future... however, next time she meet you, she will be more needy and confused, her new rela may not last forever... your story is exactly what i felt in 7y ago, when my second ex left me for her "prince" boy, but then kick him out of her bed and call me out. But i ignored that " second chance". Because i know women more than i know myself i dun even care about what is love, but i know, she isn't right for me, she keep playing cool and nice for 1 more year, then leave me alone. in 5y, she have had a lot relationship and sometime call me to say that: there is no one better than me ( i didn't do anything for her), she never love anyone more than me, and she lost her confident when talking with me. just like a little girl i used to know. in that relationship, i feel the dumper feeling without rebound, the dumpee feeling without guilty. that really a good lesson for me, until this day
Author Riseabove Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Your story is the type " same of mine but different details" and however, now i could understand what empty feeling i get in this time ^_^, however, she just want to check it again before she go. She want to make sure that, her choice is right for her own benefit. But however, she keep talking about herself too much mean that, she is lonely and she need somebody support for her, in this case, that is closest EX. That why she didn't talk with her new BF about stuffs. She also afraid of " Sure", just confused... When people usually decide to do sth, they will look at past and do it in present, but just hope for future... however, next time she meet you, she will be more needy and confused, her new rela may not last forever... your story is exactly what i felt in 7y ago, when my second ex left me for her "prince" boy, but then kick him out of her bed and call me out. But i ignored that " second chance". Because i know women more than i know myself i dun even care about what is love, but i know, she isn't right for me, she keep playing cool and nice for 1 more year, then leave me alone. in 5y, she have had a lot relationship and sometime call me to say that: there is no one better than me ( i didn't do anything for her), she never love anyone more than me, and she lost her confident when talking with me. just like a little girl i used to know. in that relationship, i feel the dumper feeling without rebound, the dumpee feeling without guilty. that really a good lesson for me, until this day Thanks for taking the time to give your opinion:) If she asks to see me again before she moves I will decline. I kind of feel that I got the answers I needed from just this one meeting. I can not be her friend and support her with only her problems without being an important part of her life. I can never be her boyfriend again either because I dont want our relationship back with all the troubles that it included, so it's better to just move on with our separate lives. Can you explain what you meant with "When people usually decide to do sth, they will look at past and do it in present, but just hope for future..."?
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