One Night Stand

[Rager50]

I guess this is for all of you cheaters out there - how likely is it that a one night stand will be repeated? Is this ever really a one-time event?

 

My husband went to a party while I was working one night, got drunk, and slept with a friend of a friend. He swears it was a one time lapse in judgment, he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, etc. No affair, no relationship, no further contact with this girl.

 

I love him, but I have a hard time accepting that he was so drunk he didn't realize he was destroying our life together. Is such a thing possible? (I've certainly never been that drunk.) What say you?

[d'Arthez]

Would you have accepted the excuse if he had been sober?

 

Drinking may explain behaviour, but certainly it cannot justify such behaviour.

[YellowShark]

I call total B.S. Why? It's the oldest gaslight in the book. Did booze make him forget the wedding? Your marriage? The ring on his finger? Or you? Nope. He was just drunk and wanted sex and so he went for it. Period.

 

He did what he did and is using booze as an excuse.

[JesseJames]

The dude drinks and gets drunk, and

 

wait a minute.... how did you find out??

[CarrieT]

he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, etc.

Usually, if a guy is THIS drunk he can't perform.

 

I call bullsh*t - he knew what he was doing and perhaps thought you wouldn't find out?!?!?

[JesseJames]

I think someone squealed. Or, do you have spies that follow him around?

[jade4071]

I guess this is for all of you cheaters out there - how likely is it that a one night stand will be repeated? Is this ever really a one-time event?

 

My husband went to a party while I was working one night, got drunk, and slept with a friend of a friend. He swears it was a one time lapse in judgment, he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, etc. No affair, no relationship, no further contact with this girl.

 

I love him, but I have a hard time accepting that he was so drunk he didn't realize he was destroying our life together. Is such a thing possible? (I've certainly never been that drunk.) What say you?

 

I'm not a big drinker but have drank to excess on occasion in the past. I've never been so drunk I "didn't know" what I was doing. I can see how inhibitions would be lowered but not knowing sounds like BS to me.

[Steen719]

I have been so drunk that I peed my pants, but never mistakenly had sex with anyone.

 

lol lol lol.....:lmao::lmao:

[YellowShark]

I have been so drunk that I peed my pants, but never mistakenly had sex with anyone.

 

Cute.

 

But quoted for truth. I too have never been so drunk that I "forgot" I was in a relationship.

[Radagast]

I could understand a woman being too drunk to resist overtures (physically) but a man in that condition would be unable to participate, as has been mentioned. Alcohol can lower inhibitions but it cannot change values. If drinking made the difference between him having sex or not, you can be sure that he wanted to have sex and only his inhibitions were preventing him from doing so. This may be acceptable to you if he vowed never to drink again in order to retain the hold his inhibitions had on his desire to bed other women, but it may not. You will need to be the judge of that.

[wellwhynot]

I agree with the posts that said that it may lower the inhibitions to allow him to do what he wanted to do anyway.

 

If he had been drugged or given something illicit without his consent then I'd say he could be absolved, but he probably wouldn't have remembered it then and wouldn't be making excuses. Otherwise, most likely he'll just do it again.

[SomedayDig]

To share along the lines of alcohol lowering inhibitions, I'd like to tell you how my wife met the xOM. It was at a party (I was flying and away from home). There was a lot of drinking going on before the guys came home from their deal. The girls had already drank a bottle of wine and were pretty toasty. The xOM met my wife and they chatted a bit. As the night wore on, my wife got drunk enough that she had to puke. One of my friends helped her and when she finished he walked back downstairs. The xOM however snuck up the back stairs to meet her. He asked her if she was okay and put his hand on her elbow. She said she was and he leaned in to kiss her. She initially pulled back (her words) but then gave in because as she said, it was nice to have gotten the attention but then pulled away and said "we can't do this".

 

As she and I have talked extensively about this initial meeting I came to a few conclusions. The drinking definitely lowered my wife's inhibitions. The xOM obviously knew she was totally blitzed because she was upstairs puking. I see that as pretty manipulative because he knew her condition and took advantage of it. BUT!!!!! It does NOT excuse her behavior one bit because the first night she slept with him a few weeks later, she was not drunk.

[jnj express]

Did he drive to the party---if so, he had to drive home---he sure as he*l wasn't to drunk to drive home, and if he was with a friend---why didn't the friend have his back, and stop what he was doing, so he was never TO DRUNK to not know what he was doing, and what the consequences would be-----he just plain wanted to do what he did, and he didn't give a crap about you----sorry, but that's how it goes down.

 

Falling down drunks still know right from wrong

 

He couldn't have been that drunk, when he started courting/flirting/talking to her---he couldn't have been that drunk, when the 2 of them decided where to go so they could have privacy---or did he just jump on her, right there in front of everyone else-------he still knew how to get his clothes off, if one is that drunk, that they don't know what they are doing---they usually arn't co-ordinated enuff to get their clothes off------he certainly knew what he was doing when he had foreplay---or did he just enter her, and that was it 15 seconds later

 

No one is that F'ing drunk, that they do not know what they are doing/thinking

 

If you fall for the drunk ONS, BS----you got no one to blame but yourself, for the future, and whatever you allow it to bring!!!!!!

[Rager50]

Thanks for pretty much confirming what I knew...but didn't want to know. It's been a few weeks, but in case anyone cares -

 

1. I knew he was going to visit an old friend (about an hour away), and I told him that if they were drinking, he should crash with his buddy. I was working late anyway, so it wasn't a big deal for me. He came home the next morning, so no drinking and driving.

 

2. No spies, lol. If only! He told me two days after the deed. The day afterward...the day he came home...he was acting super weird. Super affectionate. Really sweet. Almost annoyingly so. He was waiting for me when I got home from work the next day and told me everything. Cried, swore it would never happen again, etc. Hasn't had anything to drink since. Doesn't go to anything social without me. (His ideas, not mine.)

 

3. Did he just jump her right there in front of everyone...ha, according to him...pretty much. Screwed her on his friend's couch. What a prince.

[jnj express]

He had the sex in front of people at the party----He couldn't have cared that much about you, and the mge, and if there are kids, about the kids----believe me he knew what he was doing, and obviously, he wasn't gonna stop----he still had to go thru thinking processes, to complete the different acts to have sex---or did she just undress him, and take his tool out and insert it----he knew exactly what he was doing, and he as I said before---happily/willingly/wanting to, do it

[2sunny]

I could understand a woman being too drunk to resist overtures (physically) but a man in that condition would be unable to participate, as has been mentioned. Alcohol can lower inhibitions but it cannot change values. If drinking made the difference between him having sex or not, you can be sure that he wanted to have sex and only his inhibitions were preventing him from doing so. This may be acceptable to you if he vowed never to drink again in order to retain the hold his inhibitions had on his desire to bed other women, but it may not. You will need to be the judge of that.

 

I agree with the posts that said that it may lower the inhibitions to allow him to do what he wanted to do anyway.

 

If he had been drugged or given something illicit without his consent then I'd say he could be absolved, but he probably wouldn't have remembered it then and wouldn't be making excuses. Otherwise, most likely he'll just do it again.

 

Thanks for pretty much confirming what I knew...but didn't want to know. It's been a few weeks, but in case anyone cares -

 

1. I knew he was going to visit an old friend (about an hour away), and I told him that if they were drinking, he should crash with his buddy. I was working late anyway, so it wasn't a big deal for me. He came home the next morning, so no drinking and driving.

 

2. No spies, lol. If only! He told me two days after the deed. The day afterward...the day he came home...he was acting super weird. Super affectionate. Really sweet. Almost annoyingly so. He was waiting for me when I got home from work the next day and told me everything. Cried, swore it would never happen again, etc. Hasn't had anything to drink since. Doesn't go to anything social without me. (His ideas, not mine.)

 

3. Did he just jump her right there in front of everyone...ha, according to him...pretty much. Screwed her on his friend's couch. What a prince.

 

Since he remembers it - he wasn't so drunk to be in a blackout - therefore not to remember what he did or didn't do.

 

His calculated plan to stay over indicates he may drink too much.

 

Has he vowed NEVER to drink again? Are you set to leave him if/when he does drink again?

 

Have YOU been tested for std's? I would!!!

 

And to do it in the open - for me - THAT is unforgiveable - but that's me.

 

How could he? Does he have any solid boundaries that are healthy? That honor you as his wife? I mean, sheez - he totally embarrassed himself and you in front of friends!!!

 

What kind of friends set something like this up and make the environment ok for him - a married man - to screw another woman in front of everyone and think that's all ok?

 

Dang - id be so pissed - his a$$ would have been OUT so quick his head would be spinning!

Lwhat boundary are YOU working from at this point?

 

Has he been to counseling since the incident? He needs to know what's broken inside of him that he needs to fix.

[MissBee]

I guess this is for all of you cheaters out there - how likely is it that a one night stand will be repeated? Is this ever really a one-time event?

 

My husband went to a party while I was working one night, got drunk, and slept with a friend of a friend. He swears it was a one time lapse in judgment, he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, etc. No affair, no relationship, no further contact with this girl.

 

I love him, but I have a hard time accepting that he was so drunk he didn't realize he was destroying our life together. Is such a thing possible? (I've certainly never been that drunk.) What say you?

 

Drunkenness does not make you forgot you're married and shouldn't be having sex with other people.

 

Even if it could, the question would be, have you no self control? As a married man, if drunkenness can do that, WHY on earth would you choose to get so drunk as to let that happen?

 

It's BS! Total garbage. In any case, you guys most likely can't just move on from it and blame it on the alcohol. It is something that needs to be addressed, as it is not the alcohol, but him. Whether lack of self control, boundary issues, some chronic or just temporary thing...the problem is him and his poor choice and if it is not addressed there is NO guarantee he won't do it again or worse. BTW did he confess he did it or did you find out some other way?

[Rager50]

He'd made some comments to me before that I didn't see as red flags - I should have. He's the only one of his friends (HIS friends, not OUR friends - these are people he knew from high school and college, that I could not stand; I thought I had always done a good job of being cordial and keeping the animosity hidden, but this whole situation made me believe that they disliked me as much as I disliked them, helping this entire situation along) who is married; they're all still living this man-child, partying, late 20s lifestyle that seems to have become more common lately. He and I have careers, bought a house...we're living the "adult" life, I suppose, more than they are. Off track, sorry - comments - he would say things like "I can't say no to them" and didn't want us to go out with them unless he could match them drinnk for drink and do every bonehead thing they got to do. So yeah, I'm thinking maybe he missed/wanted that lifestyle more than ours. And he has cut off all contact with all of them since the incident.

 

STDs - yes, both checked, both clean. That was the first thing I did, and made him do, after he told me.

 

I honestly don't think he has an alcohol problem. I think he knew what he was doing the entire time, and that the alcohol is an excuse. Nonetheless, I suppose I'm hopeful that if the excuse is removed, the behavior will not repeat.

 

I brought up counseling a few weeks ago, not solely because of this but because of some other issues that we have been having, and he was immediately against it. I feel like going alone is just wasting money before divorce. And I don't want to get divorced. I love him. God, that's pathetic.

 

This is what it comes down to - he is the kind of guy who is never satisfied. (You know - "he's not happy unless he has something to complain about.") If he orders X at dinner, he'll eat it and complain that he should have gotten Y instead. We bought our house three years ago, and he says we should have waited and gotten a house like Person Z did, even though situations and timing and money were completely different. He is always convinced that he missed out on something better. Until this happened, I never saw the larger ramifications of that personality "quirk" - that me, and our life together, might not be as good as "something better." But this is going way beyond the original post, and the scope of that.

[SomedayDig]

First things first...his "friends" have to go bye bye and it's a simple reason: They AREN'T friends of the marriage. You need to surround yourself with like people and him hanging with all his single man-boy's is a simple sign of immaturity. These are the guys who live the Bruce Springsteen song "Glory Days" and they don't have any use in your marriage. Why doesn't your husband want to go to counseling? In my opinion its because he doesn't want to accept this stuff. He doesn't want to grow up. Going to counseling would be the grown up thing to do...if anything, he should go for YOU. He just might get something out of it and come around. I wouldn't accept his refusal to go. He should be doing everything in his power to get you to trust him again and to be able to move forward in your marriage. If he's not willing, then that says a lot about his feelings for you AND your marriage.

 

Again, and I hate to beat a dead horse, this kind of guy who is never satisfied is simply acting like an immature little brat. THAT is something that counseling would address and he doesn't seem to want to grow up.

 

Understandably, you don't want to get divorced. No one really wants that. However, when is enough enough? How many more times is he going to go hang with his "buddies" and get drunk and do stupid crap? But the real question is how many more times are you going to allow the cycle to continue? You are the one in charge here. He screwed up in a big way and you deserve to be taken seriously regarding your feelings. Love is one thing, but being humiliated by the one you love is a whole lot worse than a divorce.

[2sunny]

He'd made some comments to me before that I didn't see as red flags - I should have. He's the only one of his friends (HIS friends, not OUR friends - these are people he knew from high school and college, that I could not stand; I thought I had always done a good job of being cordial and keeping the animosity hidden, but this whole situation made me believe that they disliked me as much as I disliked them, helping this entire situation along) who is married; they're all still living this man-child, partying, late 20s lifestyle that seems to have become more common lately. He and I have careers, bought a house...we're living the "adult" life, I suppose, more than they are. Off track, sorry - comments - he would say things like "I can't say no to them" and didn't want us to go out with them unless he could match them drinnk for drink and do every bonehead thing they got to do. So yeah, I'm thinking maybe he missed/wanted that lifestyle more than ours. And he has cut off all contact with all of them since the incident.

 

STDs - yes, both checked, both clean. That was the first thing I did, and made him do, after he told me.

 

I honestly don't think he has an alcohol problem. I think he knew what he was doing the entire time, and that the alcohol is an excuse. Nonetheless, I suppose I'm hopeful that if the excuse is removed, the behavior will not repeat.

 

I brought up counseling a few weeks ago, not solely because of this but because of some other issues that we have been having, and he was immediately against it. I feel like going alone is just wasting money before divorce. And I don't want to get divorced. I love him. God, that's pathetic.

 

This is what it comes down to - he is the kind of guy who is never satisfied. (You know - "he's not happy unless he has something to complain about.") If he orders X at dinner, he'll eat it and complain that he should have gotten Y instead. We bought our house three years ago, and he says we should have waited and gotten a house like Person Z did, even though situations and timing and money were completely different. He is always convinced that he missed out on something better. Until this happened, I never saw the larger ramifications of that personality "quirk" - that me, and our life together, might not be as good as "something better." But this is going way beyond the original post, and the scope of that.

 

If he doesn't have a solid sense of "self" and HIS "intent" then he needs intensive counseling to find his BOUNDARY!

 

Since he "goes along" with his single friends - then divorce him IF he won't seek counseling to find a boundary that works for both of you!

 

He's MARRIED! He's HURTING YOU at the cost of having friends! He's honoring what his friends want more than thinking of how it affects his spouse!

 

He's NOT respecting YOU or the MARRIAGE!

 

MORE importantly -YOU allow it ALL by staying with him. YOU are rewarding HIS bad behavior!

[2sure]

I think it is very possible that it was a one time thing and may never happen again if he truly regrets it. But no, he didn't do it because he was drunk. Being drunk just made it easier.

[Spark1111]

Here's another MW dealing with the new breed of man -- a man child.

 

I would sit him down, look him in the eyes and tell him everything you have written here:

 

"Look, I love you but obviously you are not happy being commited to one woman, that woman being me.

 

I think marriage is not going to work for you. You hang out with guys who drink too much and seek to have sex with available women. And that's fine for single guys, but not for the man I want as my husband.

 

I think you would obviously be happier single, and maybe I think that because you are always complaining so I believe you are not happy with me and married life.

 

Since you won't go to counseling to figure out why you are unhappy and have now had a drunken ONS, I want to part ways.

 

I want a man devoted to only me, who is happy with me and is happily married to me.

 

Obviously, by your actions, that man is not you. I am not sure why you are unhappy, but since you won't go to counseling to figure it out, I no longer trust you or having a married future with you.

 

And that makes me sad, because I really loved you. But you are not worth risking my future happiness for.

 

Buh-bye. (Ball in his court now. Sit back and see if he mans up, grows up, enough to be mature enough to be a married man.)

 

Good luck to you.

[2sunny]

No consequences for his bad behavior mean he's not going to change!

[SoMovinOn]

As she and I have talked extensively about this initial meeting I came to a few conclusions. The drinking definitely lowered my wife's inhibitions. The xOM obviously knew she was totally blitzed because she was upstairs puking. I see that as pretty manipulative because he knew her condition and took advantage of it. BUT!!!!! It does NOT excuse her behavior one bit because the first night she slept with him a few weeks later, she was not drunk.

 

I'm thinking it's kind of gross kissing someone who just puked!

[SomedayDig]

I'm thinking it's kind of gross kissing someone who just puked!

 

Hahahahaaa!! Yeah, me too. But one cannot deny that horniness takes over and creates idiocy. Which is one of the same things that the OP is dealing with.