Feeling Numb

[lovinglife21]

hey guys,

 

I'm feeling numb, like when I remember my ex, I don't feel anything, not sadness, not anger, not pity. I don't know what it is. Maybe acceptance? I'm not sure. I've started laying out proper plans for the future and feeling happy again. It no longer bothers me to think about him- I used to hate thinking about him, and I just acknowledge it now and let it pass.

 

I don't want him back and realise I feel much better without him, even the other day when he was pretty damn rude to me, I just didn't really care.

 

The initial shock has gone, it no longer takes my breath away when I think about how he betrayed me, I just feel reflective.

 

What's weird about this though is I still want to prove him wrong, but I think that is my ego talking and nothing else. I want him to realise I am right... but really I don't understand why? Part me of course wants him back (the side that thinks about the good bits), but a much larger side (the logical side) of me goes Never Again. What worries me though is that if he did apologise I would take him back, even though I know it wouldn't be the right thing for my long term happiness (plus my family would never forgive me). Why is this? I think I'm not patient enough in myself just to accept that I'm not going to be completely happy for a while. I think a lot of it is probably linked to some self-esteem and ego issues, but I don't know.

 

It's all very odd- I don't hope he comes back, I don't want him back, but I also can't let go of the wanting to be right. It's so hard.

 

How have you guys combated that feeling?

xx

[Mr Scorpio]

By focusing on the notion that we're all human, people make "mistakes". In my case, I know there is no such battle to be won, because I know my ex doesn't consider herself "wrong" for leaving me.

[motive2002]

I think it's another stage.. you aren't there yet, but you are on your way to indifference.

You'll now when you get there. Nothing will pull at your strings anymore, or push your buttons. You don't need to be right, or throw it in his face, you just don't care... I mean really don't care.

 

Indifference is the lack of everything else. Love, empathy, resentment, hate, jealousy, fear etc. I mean you'd probably pull him out of a burning fire to save his life, because you have compassion for other people, but outside of that you really don't care about him at all, what he's up to, what he's thinking, or whether or not he's a jerk. There isn't anything there at all.

 

And really only time will get you to the last stage. Your brain's habitual thought process will be filled with other things and he just won't come to mind anymore... and if something reminds you, the thought doesn't stick. It just effortlessly passes away, only to be replaced by other more pressing matters.

[lovinglife21]

I think it's another stage.. you aren't there yet, but you are on your way to indifference.

You'll now when you get there. Nothing will pull at your strings anymore, or push your buttons. You don't need to be right, or throw it in his face, you just don't care... I mean really don't care.

 

Indifference is the lack of everything else. Love, empathy, resentment, hate, jealousy, fear etc. I mean you'd probably pull him out of a burning fire to save his life, because you have compassion for other people, but outside of that you really don't care about him at all, what he's up to, what he's thinking, or whether or not he's a jerk. There isn't anything there at all.

 

And really only time will get you to the last stage. Your brain's habitual thought process will be filled with other things and he just won't come to mind anymore... and if something reminds you, the thought doesn't stick. It just effortlessly passes away, only to be replaced by other more pressing matters.

 

This is definitely something that I believe is true. My therapist (lol) said that she thinks this inability to prove him wrong is the last thread connecting me to him, and not allowing me to let him go.

 

It's funny I tried to stay away from this forum for a while, tried to focus on me (and not the mess he left behind), but sometimes I just need to express how I feel.

 

I still feel the exactly the same as I did when I wrote that post- but for some reason I've discovered another element of this 'him being wrong' thing. And that's me being BETTER then him. By proving to him that I am better. But I don't know why I still care what he thinks- he and his horrible inner circle are out of my life and I never have to deal with the judgement again.

 

What I really want is to get to the place where I want to be better for myself and for no-one else.

 

I think what it is that what he thinks is so ingrained in me that it's just become a natural thing, but instead of it being 'prove what a good girlfriend you are' it's turned into 'show him what he's missing'. That's my current theory. Any other insights?

 

I don't want to care about what he thinks anymore (not about what he thinks happened to our relationship, how attractive I am or who I am as a person) but I do.

 

It's really stopping me move on- not in terms of my life, no that's going great- I lost a ton of weight, started dancing again, got a new flat and job) but just in terms of my thoughts and my motivations of doing these things.

 

I just don't know how to cut this final 'thread'.

 

xx

[Mr Scorpio]

 

I think what it is that what he thinks is so ingrained in me that it's just become a natural thing, but instead of it being 'prove what a good girlfriend you are' it's turned into 'show him what he's missing'. That's my current theory. Any other insights?

 

IMO, you wouldn't care about what he thought, about what he is missing, about whether or not he feels he did anything wrong -- if you didn't still care about him.

[ToyWithMe812]

I still feel the exactly the same as I did when I wrote that post- but for some reason I've discovered another element of this 'him being wrong' thing. And that's me being BETTER then him. By proving to him that I am better. But I don't know why I still care what he thinks- he and his horrible inner circle are out of my life and I never have to deal with the judgement again.

 

What I really want is to get to the place where I want to be better for myself and for no-one else.

 

I think what it is that what he thinks is so ingrained in me that it's just become a natural thing, but instead of it being 'prove what a good girlfriend you are' it's turned into 'show him what he's missing'. That's my current theory. Any other insights?

 

I don't want to care about what he thinks anymore (not about what he thinks happened to our relationship, how attractive I am or who I am as a person) but I do.

 

It's really stopping me move on- not in terms of my life, no that's going great- I lost a ton of weight, started dancing again, got a new flat and job) but just in terms of my thoughts and my motivations of doing these things.

 

I just don't know how to cut this final 'thread'.

 

xx

 

The way I look at it, this motivation can be fine for you during a workout or what not, but if it consumes you throughout the day, it is time to find some other motivation. Workout=good (as long as you can contain it there). Beyond that, maybe time to look for some new motivation, because he may begin to consume you again and you are better than that.

 

But you know what, you shouldn't care anymore beyond simple physical motivation - you are beginning a new chapter in your life. What he thinks is irrelevant. What you envision is the main goal here - your alter ego can provide with you plenty of punishing motivation, no sweat. Gets to be too much of a distraction, ask a friend for some advice or ask here. Do not let them be your primary motivation in life - to what end will this purpose serve (rather than aggression during a run/or at the gym)

Edited June 1, 2012 by ToyWithMe812

[Exit]

I think I can relate to you. I didn't realize how to put it into words until now, but I think I'm feeling the same thing. I don't want my ex back but I want to be right. I want the universe to correct the mistake that I wasn't the jerk in this situation like my ex probably has so many people convinced. I would just like to know that she knows she was wrong. But like you said, this is definitely an ego and a self esteem issue. If we know we got bad people out of our lives, that should be enough on its own, we may never have the satisfaction of having them realize that they were wrong.

 

It is important to make the shift to wanting to be happy/successful just for ourselves. The "wanting to prove them wrong" type of motivation doesn't last long. I actually think it falls under the category of the "Bargaining" stage of loss, because it's still a type of "I'm willing to do this if it will get me this result" type of mentality. I was working out every day like a monster back when I was still in that stage, wanting to look great, wanting to get healthy, but for all the wrong reasons. It didn't last. Now I'm trying to find the motivation to move on and be happy for the right reasons.

 

A breakup is definitely a blow to our ego and it makes sense that the ego wants something like the satisfaction of knowing we were right, but it's important to learn how to move on without that.

 

I totally think what your therapist said applies to you and to me. I wish when I was in counseling they had said something so insightful. I think the last thing connecting me to my ex is that I wish so badly that I could prove her wrong and I hate that her life seems to be great since the breakup and mine sucks, even though she was the horrible one. I need to figure out how to cut that last thread on my own, because it's not going to happen.

[ToyWithMe812]

Let me echo something, beyond motivation at the gym, there is reason whatsoever to use them as a motivator in your life. Your life is your life, what you want, you aspire to, and you will achieve if you so desire, sans "them..."

[lovinglife21]

IMO, you wouldn't care about what he thought, about what he is missing, about whether or not he feels he did anything wrong -- if you didn't still care about him.

 

I still love him, or rather the version of him I was with. He's a completely different person now, so much so that I consider the person I thought I was with as dead. I think I still care about the person who I thought I was with, not the person he actually is.

 

EXIT/ TOYWITHME

I'm sure alot of this is related to the fact that I never felt fully trusting and secure in our relationship- I always felt insecure, and in hindsight I think that was because I always knew he had this other side to him, and knew he had the ability to turn any minute. He's also easily influenced by people around him- his mum and friends particularly. So I always felt it would only take some pressure from them to end our relationship. Which is what happened.

 

I'm so ashamed of the person I became in that relationship. It was truly awful for me- I became so worried about what his friends and mum were saying to him that it literally consumed me (I got so paranoid every time he went to see them). He lied to me about so many things (cheating etc) that I was constantly wondering what would come out next. He was emotionally stunted and could never really explain how he felt. And it seemed that unless someone told him what to do or gave him options he never thought things through properly.

 

Overtime I became an absolute mess and depressed. I didn't even realise how bad it had gotten until I was out of the relationship.

 

I think alot of me wants to prove that I am a lot stronger and more secure than the person I was in that relationship with him, because I'm so ashamed of how weak I became. I guess I want to prove to him that I'm not that person.

 

I know I shouldn't care what he thinks but I do, and I honestly don't know how to stop it.

 

I still feel reflective when I think about it most of the time (sometimes I feel emotional, like when I wrote this post) but generally its rather reflective, and I really feel if I can just get past this caring what he thinks thing I will be able to completely move on from him.

 

I am doing things for myself like new job and flat and stuff- not to prove to him, but so I can be happy. But there are some things that I do because of how insecure he made me feel. I gained some weight during our relationship (I had an accident that prevented me from doing excersize) and he didn't like some of the things about my physical appearance, so I changed those things, and as a result my own self-esteem went down... and now I'm trying to get some of my self esteem back. And I guess when I go to get my stuff I want to look how I feel is my best.

 

xx

[lovinglife21]

Sorry it was such a long post, I had a lot on my mind

 

Thanks everyone for the support.

 

XX