goldengirl11 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) Basically I have been going through a bit of a bad time of late re-living some memories with the last man (former colleague) I was v attracted to and had sex with. I have talked about this before on here, but don't think it was my own thread. I remember at the time of having sex with him that I felt uncomfortable because we tended to see each other with gaps in-between and also because I feared that I would be used. I remembered he ended a 4 year relationship earlier that year, but guessed he would've moved on by this time. A couple of months before we got intimate he said he wasn't looking for a relationship yet and wanted to try different things on me, which I must've given the impression that I was fine with. It would appear that quite a short time after that last meeting my fears came true when he started seeing someone else (he was part time at college then) when at the same time he asked me out a couple of times at short notice but our schedules clashed. He then didn't ask me out again but was still friendly or sexually suggestive via text or e-mail, until he properly started going out with this girl who it appeared he broke up with for a few weeks towards the end of last year and pretty much disappeared again after that. It is now NC on both parts and wouldn't be surprised if he thinks I will cave in soon and contact him again. I'm now 33 and so want to be treated with respect when getting sexually involved (I lost my virginity in my late twenties), but would I be spoiling my chances of having a relationship by asking if it could be exclusive after just a couple of dates say? P.S. Sorry there are no paragraph breaks - am writing on my phone! Edited May 21, 2012 by goldengirl11
Taramere Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Basically I have been going through a bit of a bad time of late re-living some memories with the last man (former colleague) I was v attracted to and had sex with. I have talked about this before on here, but don't think it was my own thread. I remember at the time of having sex with him that I felt uncomfortable because we tended to see each other with gaps in-between and also because I feared that I would be used. I remembered he ended a 4 year relationship earlier that year, but guessed he would've moved on by this time. A couple of months before we got intimate he said he wasn't looking for a relationship yet and wanted to try different things on me, which I must've given the impression that I was fine with. It would appear that quite a short time after that last meeting my fears came true when he started seeing someone else (he was part time at college then) when at the same time he asked me out a couple of times at short notice but our schedules clashed. He then didn't ask me out again but was still friendly or sexually suggestive via text or e-mail, until he properly started going out with this girl who it appeared he broke up with for a few weeks towards the end of last year and pretty much disappeared again after that. It is now NC on both parts and wouldn't be surprised if he thinks I will cave in soon and contact him again. I'm now 33 and so want to be treated with respect when getting sexually involved (I lost my virginity in my late twenties), but would I be spoiling my chances of having a relationship by asking if it could be exclusive after just a couple of dates say? P.S. Sorry there are no paragraph breaks - am writing on my phone! I don't think it's necessary for you to go so far as to ask somebody if you can be exclusive after a couple of dates. You can let somebody know what your position on sex outside of exclusive relationships is (ie it doesn't work for you, and it's not the scenario you're looking for), and then leave them to digest that info so that they can decide whether or not they want to pursue anything further with you.
firehawk_1 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) such a drama queen. you women dont like being told what to do or when to be exclusive so dont ask him either...same rules apply! if you want a relationship and not a **** buddy then use some sense...and only se the one person and have a few dates then take it from there. you also sound desperate. remember the things you women say to guys when they act desperate (even though when they arent)? Edited May 21, 2012 by firehawk_1
Author goldengirl11 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 such a drama queen. you women dont like being told what to do or when to be exclusive so dont ask him either...same rules apply! if you want a relationship and not a **** buddy then use some sense...and only se the one person and have a few dates then take it from there. you also sound desperate. remember the things you women say to guys when they act desperate (even though when they arent)? I don't feel that I'm desperate. Just that I don't want to feel used or be put on the backburner again.
Author goldengirl11 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) then look for a guy whos wants a relationship. not one whos in it for sex. Yes, although perhaps often they tell you what they want you to hear to get in your pants?! Although he obviously changed his mind... with someone else. It can't develop though if you're not actually in each other's presence anymore though can it. Edited May 21, 2012 by goldengirl11
Radu Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 goldengirl, i sense a lot of fear in your post. There is nothing to stop a guy from using you for sex. It may sound harsh, but there is only so much you can do on your end. You could make him wait for yrs, only do it after ring on finger, and he might still end up using you for sex. You need to let go of this fear that he might use you, it's impossible to avoid it, even if you have good boundaries because you can't control him. I fear that it might put you in a position where you will be afraid to take a chance and find love ... that you might develop fear of trying.
Author goldengirl11 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 goldengirl, i sense a lot of fear in your post. There is nothing to stop a guy from using you for sex. It may sound harsh, but there is only so much you can do on your end. You could make him wait for yrs, only do it after ring on finger, and he might still end up using you for sex. You need to let go of this fear that he might use you, it's impossible to avoid it, even if you have good boundaries because you can't control him. I fear that it might put you in a position where you will be afraid to take a chance and find love ... that you might develop fear of trying. I see your point, but it would certainly help if there was some boundaries! Also re the situation I was talking about, perhaps if there's a next time with him there might be more of a chance of it surviving because he's not at college anymore, i.e less temptation I expect! Thanks for being sympathetic Radu.
Hope4anangel Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Basically I have been going through a bit of a bad time of late re-living some memories with the last man (former colleague) I was v attracted to and had sex with. I have talked about this before on here, but don't think it was my own thread. I remember at the time of having sex with him that I felt uncomfortable because we tended to see each other with gaps in-between and also because I feared that I would be used. I remembered he ended a 4 year relationship earlier that year, but guessed he would've moved on by this time. A couple of months before we got intimate he said he wasn't looking for a relationship yet and wanted to try different things on me, which I must've given the impression that I was fine with. It would appear that quite a short time after that last meeting my fears came true when he started seeing someone else (he was part time at college then) when at the same time he asked me out a couple of times at short notice but our schedules clashed. He then didn't ask me out again but was still friendly or sexually suggestive via text or e-mail, until he properly started going out with this girl who it appeared he broke up with for a few weeks towards the end of last year and pretty much disappeared again after that. It is now NC on both parts and wouldn't be surprised if he thinks I will cave in soon and contact him again. I'm now 33 and so want to be treated with respect when getting sexually involved (I lost my virginity in my late twenties), but would I be spoiling my chances of having a relationship by asking if it could be exclusive after just a couple of dates say? P.S. Sorry there are no paragraph breaks - am writing on my phone! Hey hun, I am presuming you aren't/weren't too comfortable with trying out new things? I am thinking that he is kind of seeing you as an experiment (sorry to sound so blunt!!!) You said you have a fear of being used but, from what I can read, this is what he MAY perhaps be doing. I can't say for definite as I don't know enough about him and about you. and your situation. It doesn't feel right to me the fact he was seeing someone but asking you to meet up. Imagine if you were seeing him or he was your bf, the chances are, he would be doing it to you like he is the girl he is seeing now. I think it is quite early to be 'exclusive' should you wish to have a relationship with him and both not see other people. I wouldn't suggest this until a good number dates down the line. Is he still seeing this girl do you know? To be honest, I would be wary of the fact that he is contacting you when he is seeing someone else as what stops him doing this with you if you were seeing eachother or were 'exclusive'?
Hope4anangel Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 If you are also not happy sleeping with him and him sleeping with other people, you need to let him know that this is not what you want.
Author goldengirl11 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Hey hun, I am presuming you aren't/weren't too comfortable with trying out new things? I am thinking that he is kind of seeing you as an experiment (sorry to sound so blunt!!!) You said you have a fear of being used but, from what I can read, this is what he MAY perhaps be doing. I can't say for definite as I don't know enough about him and about you. and your situation. It doesn't feel right to me the fact he was seeing someone but asking you to meet up. Imagine if you were seeing him or he was your bf, the chances are, he would be doing it to you like he is the girl he is seeing now. I think it is quite early to be 'exclusive' should you wish to have a relationship with him and both not see other people. I wouldn't suggest this until a good number dates down the line. Is he still seeing this girl do you know? To be honest, I would be wary of the fact that he is contacting you when he is seeing someone else as what stops him doing this with you if you were seeing eachother or were 'exclusive'? He had started seeing me THEN started seeing someone else (I presume when he was still at college), not vice versa. He then within a few weeks say didn't *appear* to make suggestions re meeting up (his pattern was like once a fortnight), although I did in a bid to win him back if you see what I mean, or rather to try and keep going what felt to be a potential relationship. He also just seemed to then contact me when things cooled with the other girl. We have not been in touch for a few months though so of course am doing my best to move on, yet it still hurts obviously. Edited May 22, 2012 by goldengirl11
oaks Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 would I be spoiling my chances of having a relationship by asking if it could be exclusive after just a couple of dates say? Yes. Pretty much any personal preference that you express will rule out some subset of the people who find you attractive. However, this isn't a bad thing as long as the thing you're asking for is what you actually want because it means that you're weeding out the people with whom you aren't compatible. Nothing wrong with asking for an exclusive relationship before having sex, and nothing wrong with having just a few dates and wanting to have more dates but within the context of an exclusive relationship (whether or not you have sex).
Pierre Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 OP: I would never date a multi dater. So from the onset you can simply state your position. Just say you only date one at a time. If the guy is a multi dater he may lie to you (not uncommon) or he may decide not to see you again. In the latter it means he has other women in mind. Forget the term exclusivity. That can mean 100 things. Just state your goals. Also state you don't have sex outside a relationship. If they walk away then you know they were multi daters. Who needs them anyway!
irin Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 this is simpler then you make out to be. dating doesnt always mean sex, date, have fun, get to know a person, hang out mostly outside. and if they tried to get you into bed, tell them nicely that you only get intimate while in a committed loving relationship with intentions of it being long term. no need to ask for exclusivity early on, no pressure, just avoid having sex. if they like you enough they'll stick around and respect your wishes.
Author goldengirl11 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Thanks for the views so far. Much appreciated.
lastresort Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I feel the same way. I an honest guy who doesnt like to just have sex with anyone, i must have a connection. There are men out there that have morals you just need to find them. Sex for me is a special thing that i must be in love with the women to have it. I have gone 2-3 months of dating before having sex with my girlfriends. Just be honest up front and a real man will appreciate it.
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