what is it that makes us unable to let go and move on?

[moosekaka]

I really want to move on. I am sick of having my thoughts keep going back to the past mistakes, hurt and humiliation, but it is as if whenever I reach a point where I am about to reach an epiphany, the demons come back again to pull me back into the morass.

 

Is it an ego thing? Things ended badly and I came out of it very much the loser. I used to think that running away and starting fresh would help, but now I fear that eventually the demons will come back. It is as if the only way my mind is telling me that I can move on is if I get validation from her. That is not in my control, so what can I do to keep the demons away?

[Frank13]

I think it is an ego thing. I see so many posts where the dumpee wants the dumper back. Then when the dumper comes back, the dumper doesn't want them (because they got their validation). Then the dumper leaves and the dumpee wants them back again, but the dumper, who just got their ego stroked again, doesn't want to come back.

 

I posted several messages about the connection between love and ego.

 

We often hear of someone who wants to break up but before they do, the other person breaks up with them and now they are devastated and want the person that dumped them back (sometimes admittedly by them, so they can dump them and cause them pain).

[Phanpooh]

So, the feeling nothing, just like dumpees arent afaird of anything, they thought that they are stronger and no more hurt. But they keep thinking about dumpers, even they are sure that there is no result. What kind of that feeling? Ego boots or acception?

I really want to explain that feeling

[Tree_Salmon]

I think it is an ego thing. I see so many posts where the dumpee wants the dumper back. Then when the dumper comes back, the dumper doesn't want them (because they got their validation). Then the dumper leaves and the dumpee wants them back again, but the dumper, who just got their ego stroked again, doesn't want to come back.

 

I posted several messages about the connection between love and ego.

 

We often hear of someone who wants to break up but before they do, the other person breaks up with them and now they are devastated and want the person that dumped them back (sometimes admittedly by them, so they can dump them and cause them pain).

 

It's not always the case but I think ego has a part in it, plus every situation is different.

 

I was the dumper but I am still in just as much pain as if I were the dumpee. Maybe even worse.

 

I think its fear more than ego. The fear of loss and abandonment as well as the uncertain.

[Mr Scorpio]

Attachment. Comfort. Fear.

 

In a relationship, you invest time. You create memories which -- for most of us -- are some of the best of our lives. You create hopes for a future which will create additional great memories. You become attached to the past you had and the future you yearned for.

 

Did I want to go to middle-school? Where a whole new bunch of kids, teachers, and challenges would be? No. I wanted to stay in 6th grade, where I knew my surroundings and I was comfortable.

 

The dating world sucks! Not only have you been abandoned -- possibly deceptive or violently -- by someone you loved, but now you're supposed to push all of that aside and just "move on"? Scary stuff.

[moosekaka]

In mindfulness therapy we are thought that all human suffering is a result of thoughts and words in our mind. That being so, I wonder why our mind insists on retaining and focusing on negative unproductive thoughts?

 

For eg, I know I probably look like a fool for what happened, but it is unlikely others care unless brought up. Yet I feel very humiliated and resentful about my past which leads to a negative feedback of further isolation.

[Mr Scorpio]

I do not believe that your minds insist upon negativity. Rather, I think some people are chemically disposed to such thought patterns. For others, there was/is some reward for negative thinking. To take it to an extreme, there is no good or bad in life, our minds make it so.

[motive2002]

You can validate yourself, you don't need it from her. If you really think you made mistakes, I mean real mistakes, you can own that, but she gets to own hers. There's no possible way that you are the only one at fault. Don't take all the blame, shift some of it on her where it belongs. It takes two yenno.

 

As far as nagging thoughts are concerned, the one thing I found helped for me was to bury myself into a project that involved brain-power. Anything that requires problem solving. In my case it was computer programming, but it could be anything really. Keep your mind at task and off other things for a while.

The other end of the spectrum (where you don't want to be) is any activity that is horribly repetitive. Repetitive action will lead to repetitive thoughts, and you don't want that if your brain is in a rut, constantly ruminating about your ex and so on.

 

If a troubling thought comes around, and you feel anxiety creeping in, take a deep breath in and let it out. Breathing calms the nervous system. Try to come up with an anchor. Some relaxing place you can imagine in your mind that makes you feel safe. Maybe it's the beach, or your old stomping grounds when you were younger. Something carefree and pleasant, where you are the master of your domain. Breathe deep and imagine yourself being there.

Practice that enough when the troubling thoughts come, and you will feel more control over them. Breathe in... let it out...

[moosekaka]

As far as nagging thoughts are concerned, the one thing I found helped for me was to bury myself into a project that involved brain-power. Anything that requires problem solving. In my case it was computer programming, but it could be anything really. Keep your mind at task and off other things for a while.

The other end of the spectrum (where you don't want to be) is any activity that is horribly repetitive. Repetitive action will lead to repetitive thoughts, and you don't want that if your brain is in a rut, constantly ruminating about your ex and so on.

 

actually this is where she has the greatest advantage over me, I can't focus on anything work related when I am depressed while she throws herself into work to cope. In fact the one thing that gets me off the sad wagon is running and hard physical exertion, as my mind is too tired and overwhelmed by endorphins.

 

I really wish I could be one of those people who can lose themselves in their work when faced with adversity.

[moosekaka]

You can validate yourself, you don't need it from her. If you really think you made mistakes, I mean real mistakes, you can own that, but she gets to own hers.

 

I did horrible things to her in my desperation to cling on to her, bordering on emotional abuse. It was as if I knew I was freaking out yet the more she pulled away the more I freaked. Months later I can see how this would be so traumatic to her that she won't talk to me anymore. I guess I just want to tell her I'm sorry and I want to say goodbye before moving on.

[Nohbody]

I think so much of it is wrapped up in identity. We develop an identity as part of a couple. The other person becomes part of who we are. When they are gone, a part of us is gone. And we want it back.

 

We don't need it back.

[rhymes]

A good book I've been reading that I'm sure a lot of people here could benefit from would be - The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

 

I haven't made it as far as I would have liked, but the book is all about living in the now, not being a slave to your mind and has a lot of relevance to moving forward and not looking back.

 

I've found it helpful and I'll only read a few chapters. It's pretty heavy stuff, but I'm hoping to see a big benefit when I'm thru with it.

 

I struggle with similar problems, it's just so hard to let go.

[kindest]

It has been three months. Why am I still stuck here thinking about him every single day? It's affecting my social and professional life. I do not know how to get back up, I am deeply torn.

 

Three months ago I went through the grief process. The no contact coupled with no sleeping (or oversleeping), no eating, crying in public phase. I got myself together and felt a bit like myself again but just one case of him reaching out to me after three months and here I am spiraling down again. God I would give anything to not feel this way.

[marsha80]

your mind is your best friend and also your worst enemy. whatever your thoughts are regarding the past, accept it and make deliberate steps each day to move forward.

 

don't let your mind defeat you.

[Strength]

i know how you are feeling.

i want nothing more than to just move on.... and you think you are starting to get there and then you see her or you see a picture or see her comment on someone elses facebook or something.

its tough......

 

i realised that i MIGHT see her very soon as we have all the same friends, and last night my dreams were filled with her in them. it was quite unpleasant because i now respond to her presense as being back for me, rather than liking it and then hating it later.

 

its so amazingly odd how someone can sever you out of their lives like that.... so odd.

but its so so true when people say, you have to focus on yourself.

i have been doing all the things i want to do lately without her and doing whatever i wanted when i wanted, thats been great, but all the while still struggling with the pain she caused me and the hurt and the loss of my best friend.

 

if i was to give one piece of advice, it would be say positive things about yourself TO yourself. say what you want to be! say that you want to be happy and healthy and that you wish for your heart to be full of love for everyone.

 

say it in the morning quietly before getting out of bed, through the day when you feel anxiety creeping in and at night before going to sleep.

 

slowly it will shift the axis of your thought and you WILL start to act like the person you are consciously telling yourself to be. yes we get setbacks, but keep telling yourself how you want yourself to be as a person.

[wordrock]

Addiction. A lot of people view love as this mystical energy. A lot of it is just brain chemicals and hormones. We attribute so much directly to other people via some mysterious connection, but the reality is that those feelings occur directly in our heads based on conditioning from good experiences we share with that 'other'. It's the same reason why a few bad experiences will drive us away from someone. It might seem a stale and clinical way of viewing it, but think about depression and how anti-depressants work.

 

I'm not saying at all that external factors don't affect our happiness or how we feel love, but a lot of what you're going through has to do with what you were accustomed to feeling. You condition your mind to a certain state, and when that state is gone, you feel a great loss. It is essentially withdrawal. If you want to hear more about that, you might be interested in reading some articles about oxytocin and love addiction.

 

Anyway, I've been there. It took me a few years to get over a series of relationships wrecked by selfish actions from myself or my partners. Instead of trying to figure myself out, I would just go from woman to woman. One day I met someone truly wonderful... she wanted to be with me and I just couldn't say no. What happened? I released all that built up hurt and negativity on her and drove her away. I was totally devastated and it was too late.

 

The first year I literally did nothing. It was lonely and terrible. Somehow, a few women still approached me and I turned them away because I was so miserable and love sick. I was antisocial and had no interest in anything. Don't do that. You can churn events over and over again in your head for the rest of your life and still never gain any sort of closure. Focus on getting yourself healthy.

 

If you want something practical, here's what finally got me caring about myself and learning to find healthy love:

 

1. Start filling up all hours of the day with activities. Don't sit around and think. Do active things that require concentration on the task at hand. Things like exercise or sports. Find hobbies. Even new ones. I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and boxing for awhile. Now I play soccer and other sports. I'm nearly in the best shape of my life.

 

2. Find a goal. Whether a career, or getting in shape, or art, or anything. It will give you drive and passion. You can channel all those negative emotions and sense of emptiness into a furor of productivity. I decided to go back to college. I'll be done in a year. I've got other projects going that are a driving force in my life now.

 

3. If you don't have a very patient close friend or family member you can talk to, go to therapy. Just being able to vent every now and then and have some one who can help you come up with a plan to get yourself sorted out can be huge.

 

That's really all it takes. Just be active. It's not going to be a instant change. It will still get to you now and then, but time and living for yourself is the only way.

Edited May 23, 2012 by wordrock

[Rebelchick]

I really want to move on. I am sick of having my thoughts keep going back to the past mistakes, hurt and humiliation, but it is as if whenever I reach a point where I am about to reach an epiphany, the demons come back again to pull me back into the morass.

 

Is it an ego thing? Things ended badly and I came out of it very much the loser. I used to think that running away and starting fresh would help, but now I fear that eventually the demons will come back. It is as if the only way my mind is telling me that I can move on is if I get validation from her. That is not in my control, so what can I do to keep the demons away?

 

Sometimes, we're afraid of letting go of the familiar. Even if we're hurt by people, we become used to being in their lives. Change and starting over are always scary and difficult. You must ask yourself if you are content with someone or their memory that has control enough to make or break our day. If you think about it a lot there comes a point where ya have to say "this happened, I can't change it, but I can try to move on". Recovery is a series of starting and stopping but eventually the starting becomes more frequent and easier than the stopping. Just takes time, Hon. Been there, I know.

[Rebelchick]

Great advice Wordrock!

[kindest]

Anyway, I've been there. It took me a few years to get over a series of relationships wrecked by selfish actions from myself or my partners. Instead of trying to figure myself out, I would just go from woman to woman. One day I met someone truly wonderful... she wanted to be with me and I just couldn't say no. What happened? I released all that built up hurt and negativity on her and drove her away. I was totally devastated and it was too late.

 

The first year I literally did nothing. It was lonely and terrible. Somehow, a few women still approached me and I turned them away because I was so miserable and love sick. I was antisocial and had no interest in anything. Don't do that. You can churn events over and over again in your head for the rest of your life and still never gain any sort of closure. Focus on getting yourself healthy.

 

If you want something practical, here's what finally got me caring about myself and learning to find healthy love:

 

1. Start filling up all hours of the day with activities. Don't sit around and think. Do active things that require concentration on the task at hand. Things like exercise or sports. Find hobbies. Even new ones. I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and boxing for awhile. Now I play soccer and other sports. I'm nearly in the best shape of my life.

 

2. Find a goal. Whether a career, or getting in shape, or art, or anything. It will give you drive and passion. You can channel all those negative emotions and sense of emptiness into a furor of productivity. I decided to go back to college. I'll be done in a year. I've got other projects going that are a driving force in my life now.

 

3. If you don't have a very patient close friend or family member you can talk to, go to therapy. Just being able to vent every now and then and have some one who can help you come up with a plan to get yourself sorted out can be huge.

 

That's really all it takes. Just be active. It's not going to be a instant change. It will still get to you now and then, but time and living for yourself is the only way.

 

You remind me of my ex. He jumped from woman to woman before me, damaged from a past relationship. I too came from a bad breakup before him but I never used my past relationships as a reason to not give it my best shot with him. He carried his baggage as he entered into another relationship with me, and that baggage eventually wrecked how he handled things. While I saw an opportunity to work things out, he saw doom.

 

I took up yoga and I'm entering my 4th month of practicing now. I love it.

 

I'm also thinking of quitting my job and looking for another work environment I could be happier in. But with the circumstances at work now I'm afraid this is something that I could not devote enough time to at the moment. I hope I get the free time though as I know this is one of the things that can make me happy.

Edited May 23, 2012 by kindest

[moosekaka]

I'm not saying at all that external factors don't affect our happiness or how we feel love, but a lot of what you're going through has to do with what you were accustomed to feeling. You condition your mind to a certain state, and when that state is gone, you feel a great loss. It is essentially withdrawal. If you want to hear more about that, you might be interested in reading some articles about You can churn events over and over again in your head for the rest of your life and still never gain any sort of closure. Focus on getting yourself healthy.

 

thank you for your thoughtful posts. I wonder if the flipside to suffering withdrawal from the relationship is an addiction to dwelling on the past and feeling pain and regret as a masochistic coping mechanism. I know nothing will change the past yet I actually WANT to dwell on it and my mistakes, almost like wanting to punish myself.

 

There are just too many hours of consciousness in modern human society. I exhaust myself physically and volunteer, but eventually there will be moments when there is nothing for me to do but think.....I wished I could be lobotomised. I know the kind of pain that Leonardo di Caprio's character went through in 'Shutter Island'.

[moosekaka]

Is it an ego thing? Things ended badly and I came out of it very much the loser. I used to think that running away and starting fresh would help, but now I fear that eventually the demons will come back. It is as if the only way my mind is telling me that I can move on is if I get validation from her. That is not in my control, so what can I do to keep the demons away?

 

After sitting on it a while, I come to realize whats bothering me is that I look like a total social loser in this whole affair, be it to her or to my former colleagues or my boss, yeah I'm the quitter but when I tried to stick it out I couldn't function and looked like a wreck. In short I have lost their respect and this bothers me because I feel very small, ESPECIALLY when I can't get a chance or way to redeem myself to her. I remembered being very insecure around her and always feeling not good enough (eventhough she was younger, less experienced and about the same intelligence). Looking back there was no way the relationship could have worked out and I should not have got into it.

 

I remember my therapist telling me to forgive myself but that is easier said than done, it feels like I've been shamed and tarred and I just want to have a new identity where no one knows my past, you know what I mean?

[TDI 494]

theres a song that recently came out called... somebody i used to know, the lyrics make perfect sense "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness" i totally agree !!

[rhymes]

thank you for your thoughtful posts. I wonder if the flipside to suffering withdrawal from the relationship is an addiction to dwelling on the past and feeling pain and regret as a masochistic coping mechanism. I know nothing will change the past yet I actually WANT to dwell on it and my mistakes, almost like wanting to punish myself.

 

There are just too many hours of consciousness in modern human society. I exhaust myself physically and volunteer, but eventually there will be moments when there is nothing for me to do but think.....I wished I could be lobotomised. I know the kind of pain that Leonardo di Caprio's character went through in 'Shutter Island'.

 

I often wonder this myself. Whether it's like I need to punish myself for the mistakes and failures I made in the relationship. You do have a tendency to want to beat yourself up and make yourself pay for your mistakes. At least in my case I want to because I'm the one who felt like I did things wrong, because after 5 years, I was the one who get dumped, regardless of whether I was actually in the wrong or not. Sucks...

 

I also keep busy, am going on a trip to Thailand for a month next Friday, but I still have that inner demon to fight, and it's tough to move past the bad thoughts or the what ifs.

[Jingle14]

Attachment. Comfort. Fear.

 

In a relationship, you invest time. You create memories which -- for most of us -- are some of the best of our lives. You create hopes for a future which will create additional great memories. You become attached to the past you had and the future you yearned for.

 

Did I want to go to middle-school? Where a whole new bunch of kids, teachers, and challenges would be? No. I wanted to stay in 6th grade, where I knew my surroundings and I was comfortable.

 

The dating world sucks! Not only have you been abandoned -- possibly deceptive or violently -- by someone you loved, but now you're supposed to push all of that aside and just "move on"? Scary stuff.

 

I really relate to this, especially your first and last paragraphs. I have obviously been through other break ups (in fact I had been married for 22 years) but I grieve the loss of a 9 months relationship far more because, in terms of closeness and depth of emotions - on both sides - this was the most important relationship either of us had had and then, for him, he decided 'we are not right for each other'.

 

My rose tinted glasses are off and he is no longer on the pedestal I put him on (he often lied to me, he turned out not to be the person I thought he was) BUT I just am struggling so much to cut him out of my mind. I have created a full and busy life, I work in the capital city 3 days a week and have a good social life there (and at home) but as soon as I head back to the city I live in, and he lives in the same neighbourhood, my mood dips. I just want him out of my head but then reminders of wonderful times just lying in each other's arms and gazing into each other's eyes creeps in and, no matter that he turned out to be a liar, those times - many of them - were real and is what I mourn (even the first time we went to the supermarket together, which was one of the most romantic moments in our lives). It's grief but without a grave. I run the risk of bumping into him (and my replacement) every time I step out of my front door and that's very difficult.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Jingle14

[Sugarkane]

I think the second chance forum lol. Anyone that says "hey I successfully got back with my ex". But I think yeah, how long for?. Especially if you were dumped our of the blue. Especially If they left it unresolved as people do.