hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I've decided after an awful week to go no contact with my ex. He split up with me about a month ago and we'd decided to try make a go of it as friends but I don't think I can do it. I'm 29 and have been through break ups before and the last one was really rough....causing me to be on anti depressants and diazepam for months. I met this new guy and was so so happy so didn't need them anymore. I lost a good lot of friends during this last relationship as I was spending all my time with him and now very few of my friends I lost are willing to talk to me about this and I'm constantly feeling alone. I haven't slept properly since the break up and I've lost just under a stone in about week and a half through stressing and worrying about the right thing to do and not being able to eat. I now live on my own since he moved out and I feel like a time bomb waiting to explode. I'm just not coping and can't get people to be around me all the time as what remaining friends I have are busy or are settled down. I just wish I hadn't made so many wrong decisions when we were together and things could of been different. He told me last week that he was going on a socialising website in order to find new friends and a gym buddy and wanted to tell me rather than someone else tell me. I accepted this and thought nothing into it. Then last night I downloaded it and there he was....all groomed posing in front of a mirror in a vest! Not the sort of pic you expect for someone looking for a gym buddy n friends. This has completely destroyed me! The thing is....I can't be angry at him because neither of us did anything to hurt one another and I accepted the break up when he finished it as tgings weren't right for a while. I'm just hurting so bad and I'm making myself bad through worrying. I just can't cope feeling like this again so soon after the last time and Im in such a state again and really not coping. I'm just emotionally and physically drained and can't carry on like this
MissBrunette84 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I think the sooner you start NC the better, it really does help you heal. People don't tell you this to sound harsh and dismiss you, its to help you be able to feel happier and get to a place where you are ok again. If you want to be friends with him down the line when you don't have those feelings there, then thats ok too. Just start off with baby steps, saying never ever contact him ever again in your life is harsh and fdeels over whelming. So think of it month by month and see how you feel about everything.
Author hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 It's really making me ill. I'm sick every morning, can't eat and sleep and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.I'm such a mess.
Ajax Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 hurting, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I can relate to a lot of what you described from when I went through my big breakup a couple years ago. But I can say it does get better. When my ex broke up with me I was finishing grad school, my best friends had just moved out of state, and I was like a zombie, unable to eat or sleep. At the time I couldn't imagine ever feeling better. But with time and distance the pain does numb. You make new memories and eventually the ones you have from the relationship which are so clear now begin to fade. The pain may seem insurmountable now, but just take it a day at a time. It's OK now not to be OK. Going no contact is a smart idea. Your wound won't heal if you keep picking the scab, which is what happens when you're in contact with your ex. That's also not easy, but you will have wonderful moral support here at LS. I hope today gets better for you. Post here of you feel the need to. 1
Author hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I jus don't know what I'm doing! I'm sitting at home thinking things through! I need closure and to know what went wrong. I never got that with my last ex either and it drove me mad. I'm really not in the frame of mind at the minute to know what I'm doing for the best. The fact that he's moved out too is really messing me up! Too many memories for me to try carry on as normal
Author hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I'd be fine if I had friends who I could stop with so that I could get some space away from my home so I had nothing to remind me of him but most of my friends are all settled down so I can't stay or they've had enough of me after the last break up. I just don't know who to turn to. That is why I keep turning to my ex and contacting him because he was my best friend as well as my partner, and I'm missing company!
paperboy48 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Hurting – If misery likes company (you have me). I was in a 16 year relationship (married for 10) until the day after this past Christmas. I know exactly what you’re going through. I reach out to my soon to be Ex-wife all ofthe time. We have two kids together, areselling our house together and have been dealing with mediation, divorce settlements, etc. So, I have been (for the last fewmonths) reaching out to her for whatever reason I could find. Sometimes I would reach out to her for kidstuff and sometimes I would reach out to her for support or sometimes I wouldjust ask her for a hug when dropping the kids off. These are all very unhealthythings but, I can’t help myself. I miss her SO much and am in so much love withher I’m not sure how long you were together (not that it really matters) but for me every day for sixteen years, I received a “good morning”, “howis your day going?”, “how was your day?” and we always hugged each other at nightbefore going to sleep saying “final hug”. People (including our ex’s) expect after all of thatday-to-day contact from that other person that you can just go null with nocontact from them. I know keepingcontact is like ripping off a Band-Aid very slowly but it is SO hard not tohave contact with them. I feel for you……
Hope4anangel Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It must have been heartbreaking seeing him on that website with a posing picture. Although, maybe he is just looking for a confidence boost? I joined a dating website when I broke up with my bf, not to date but just to know others would want me. We all do silly things when we are hurting. I think NC is probably best for you. It will not work being friends if there are still feelings there. It is also quite early into the break up so sometimes it's hard to judge what to do for the best but I feel, in this case, you need to go NC. If he gets in contact, try your best to ignore it otherwise you'll keep getting that sinking feeling in your stomach. You need to heal before you can decide what you want out of life. Right now, you are not thinking rationally because of the hurt. You said things weren't right for a while, think of those things, would you still want to be in a relationship like that? You need to find yourself again. You say your friends won't speak to you about it, well they aren't true friends if they don't realise that everyone, EVERYONE does this when they are in a new relationship...spend a lot of their free time with their new love. Try and make amends with your friends, try and keep your mind off things. Do things to do that like seeing friends or jogging or anything really. You need to heal huni, you can't go on like this. Edited May 21, 2012 by Hope4anangel
Author hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Paperboy I get exactly what you mean. We were together no where near as long as you but my ex before this one was nearly 10 years so I know just how u feel. Me and that ex tho are now the best of mates. But it took so much time and strength to get over and I honestly don't think I have it in me again. My current ex snapped me out of my depression and has snapped me right back into it again. It's funny how things work out. Must be even harder where kids are involved though because it means that you "have" to keep some sort of contact.
Author hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Hope4anangel, what your saying is very very true. I know what needs to be done but it's just so hard. We were only together a while in comparison to my previous ex, but we started off so good together! Instead of talking about the way things had started to drift tho we bottled it up and became like an old married couple, just sitting in front of the telly each night not even attempting to try new things and keep each other interested. You'd think after the way I was after my last relationship ended I'd learn and would do anything to keep someone happy. I loved him so much and I feel like I let the rekationship go this way. I would of done anything to let him give things a try and to try get back to normal after talking, I regret every decision I've made with him. From going from talking about our future together, to nothing at all is so so hard! I don't know where it went wrong
Author hurting1982 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 And as for the socialising website....I felt like my heart rate sky rocketed! He just looks so happy and groomed....I cant even smile at the moment. Has he honestly moved on that quick?!
Author hurting1982 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) Going to the doctors today. Id done so well this far not to think about it but the idea of him sleeping with someone else popped into my head this morning and it's made me have a panic attack. I feel so ill Edited May 22, 2012 by hurting1982
kimeebee Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 So sorry for your pain, my partner of 15 years left me 11 days ago and 11 days NC now. I feel exactly as you do and all these post I read just tells me it takes such an awful long time for these feelings to pass. I don't know what I can say to you hun because I too am hurting so bad, utterly crushed for want of a better word. Just talk to others on here as I'm doing, there is nothing else we can do I guess but at least we are not alone.
Author hurting1982 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I just don't know what I'm doing. I said I was going no contact then I text him! The thing is, he has big problems of his own n not many people know about this. We'd got incredibly close and now I still want to be there for him. I know it sounds crazy but my last ex is now always there for me and has been my rock through all this and other stuff....so I really believe I can be there for my current ex if he needed me which is what is really playing on my mind.
Author hurting1982 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I know it's still too soon for that though. I just keep seeing him constantly online on that site and it's killing me!! It could be completely innocent like he said but I can't get the thought of him sleeping with someone else out of my mind and it's driving me nuts
kindest Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Wow, I see myself in you but it has been three months since my ex and I have broken up. He broke up with me. We went NC for two months. Cold turkey. I never contacted him, neither did he reach out to me. I thought about him everyday, missing him, but there came a time I felt like I was almost back to my normal self again. Then just last month, he sent me an IM. To cut the story short, we have been in contact again for the last month. We talk about 2-3 times/week, him mostly initiating contact, but mostly small talk, and there was a time I told him "I'm glad we're friends". BUT it killed me. Now, I just found out he's starting to date some girl. The sinking, pathetic, excruciating pain all came back. The pain that I went through and had to recover from (and thought I was doing well) for two months of NC, it's back. And I am more depressed than ever. My advice is, once you've started NC, never look back. Don't do what I did. I thought I had healed, and I kinda wanted to speed up the healing process but I now realize I couldn't. I'm so down I signed up in this forum and been pouring my heart out since yesterday.
FizzyGirl Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I jus don't know what I'm doing! I'm sitting at home thinking things through! I need closure and to know what went wrong. I never got that with my last ex either and it drove me mad. I'm really not in the frame of mind at the minute to know what I'm doing for the best. It's so hard not being able to fully understand what went wrong, and why things turned out the way they did. I'm in the same position as you, and it kills me. But honestly, he may not be able to put it in words himself, and he may be struggling to get his own head round it. Closure won't come from him. You have to take charge, and make your own closure. Don't depend on him for it. You'd think after the way I was after my last relationship ended I'd learn and would do anything to keep someone happy. I loved him so much and I feel like I let the rekationship go this way. I would of done anything to let him give things a try and to try get back to normal after talking, I regret every decision I've made with him. From going from talking about our future together, to nothing at all is so so hard! I don't know where it went wrong It's not your fault! You can't take responsibility for 'letting the relationship go this way'. You haven't done anything wrong. In my case, I'd have done anything to fix things. He knew it too, he said himself that I'd constantly put in effort and I was always sweet and kind. To have him call it quits anyway, killed me. It hurts no end, knowing I'd have done anything to make things okay and that just wasn't enough for him. So I've been angry with myself, I've been furious at every little thing I ever said and did wrong. And that's not fair. At the end of the day, he called the shots, he didn't want to fix it. I haven't done ANYTHING wrong. And it doesn't sound like you have either. So don't blame yourself, don't try to reason and bargain, and don't think about 'what if'. You have to stop looking him up on that site. He should never have told you about it, it's thoughtless of him that he did. Stay away from it. Do all you can to make sure you don't go back to it. Block/delete/ignore, whatever. When you are tempted to go near it, you need to remind yourself exactly why it's a terrible idea to do so. I had to delete and block mine from my Facebook. Not because I hate him, or because I don't want to be his friend. It's because I can't get over him and until I do, I can't have the friendship with him that I want. I really hope you feel better soon.
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