a.soc Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 My name is Aimee and I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now (since we were 15). We got along in class and soon started dating, graduated school together and then travelled Europe for six months straight after. Once we got back, he broke up with me for a few months (when he turned 18), which ruined our plans of moving away to study together. We soon began to see eachother again (after 2 months apart), and ended up moving away together and both began college. We have now lived together 2 and a half years and in that time we have become more and more like best friends. There was never a huge physical attraction on my part towards him, it was more that we got along so, so well. There's also never been much of a physical side to our relationship, as it always hurt me for years. I then received treatment over the last year, but neither of us ever practiced the exercises etc at home. We are not physical from one month to the next... We moved into a new apartment (with a roommate for the first time) very recently, and I hesitated to sign another lease, having all these concerns on my mind. Two months later, and I just can't keep treading water knowing this relationship isn't completely full. I love him more than anyone in the world, and feel terrified at the thought of him not being in my life. Yesterday I told him that I feel more like best friends, and said I couldn't go on together as "bf an gf" knowing we are both not entirely happy. I have no idea whether this is the right choice, and I'm desperate to see what people have to say from experience. Thanks in advance x
Maddy1984 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I have a similar story to yours a.soc. Eerily similar - except I'm now 28 and going through all of these feelings ten fold... Coming from someone who is a lot further down the road, your feelings may not change over time. I was good friends with my boyfriend before we started dating and I chose to start dating him because I thought he'd be a better match for me than all the other guys I had dated (which was admittedly only a few). But now I've changed over the years and I'm very confused about whether to continue. You could find yourself at this point again in 5 years... or 10 years... Talk to your boyfriend, and keep talking until you feel you've said your piece. You could take some time to try and "spice" things up a little (but I know how hard that can be when you find sex painful), and try to change things up - maybe go on dates that are a bit different for you two (try new restaurants, do something outdoors now that the weather is getting nicer like a hike or bike ride, etc). But at the same time, you deserve to see if someone else can make you happier, you're still so young. If you think this runs deeper than just having a stale routine then you have to seriously consider leaving. And also take it from me - if you continue to go through this relationship in another 5 years when you have built a life together over 10 years it becomes a lot more difficult to leave it behind. It's better to make sure you make the right decision now, rather than sit on your hands and end up more miserable down the road.
Author a.soc Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Hey Maddy, Thanks so much for your response. It's a scary thought of carrying on like this and feeling the same way years down the track. At the same time I just feel so guilty, almost like we both neglected our relationship until it has come to this point... Did you end up staying together or separating? Thanks so much, Lauren
Maddy1984 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 That's just it - I can't decide what to do. (My thread is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/325567-11-year-relationship-crossroads here, sorry I don't know how to embed links) I know that guilt you're feeling. And I know the confusion and the fear. I'm afriad of both sides of the coin - afraid of staying with someone I don't know if I love, afraid that if I stay I'll regret it, but then I'm also afraid of making a mistake by leaving and that I will regret leaving. And I also know this - things will get more complicated for you if you meet someone else you develop feelings for, even if it's just a crush. I think you need some time to yourself, on your own. That's what I would tell me at age 20. It hurts to break up, but this could be what you need to decide what you need to do. My first year university I developed a huge crush on someone but decided that it was just a crush and that I was overwhelmed being in a new city around new guys. And even though I don't regret any time I've spent with my boyfriend, it sure would've been a lot easier to end things then. Now we have adult problems and adult responsibilities and things are complicated. Like I said in my first post, if you really want to try and make it work try and change up your routine and inject new activities (both in the bedroom and socially) to try and see if that lights a new spark. Keep talking. If in time you still feel this way, then you need to move on. Both for his sake and yours.
Author a.soc Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Maddy, I just read your thread. I got goosebumps of how similar it is to my situation... Honestly, even the details down to he's a little messy and I am a neatfreak. The number one thing I got from what you said and could completely relate to was the split feelings. On one hand I want to know what else is out there and have the freedom to not be in a relationship. On the other, I am absolutely terrified that it will be the wrong decision and that I will throw something away that we have spent so many years building. In your case, you have been together twice as long as myself and my bf... I don't know how long you have been feeling this way or had all of this on your mind but I don't think it will all just go away. It can take over your mind each day and then you feel silly for obsessing over it. The fact you posted your own problem and are still coming back on here and have found a very similar one (which I am completely thankful for by the way!) tells me that you are still in the same position and haven't told him yet. I did tell him most of what I was thinking on the weekend, and we were both extremely emotional and devastated, but it seemed he had been thinking the same a little, kind of knowing that the way we have been for a year or so isn't "whole". We are still living together kind of in limbo, both tip-toeing around what comes next... Before I said anything I wrote it all down a million times to see if it was really as bad as it was in my head, and I decided it was too huge not to act upon. Do you think in any way that your partner might feel unsure/the same? Thanks, Lauren
Maddy1984 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 This has taken over my thoughts... so much of my day is spent trying to figure out what to do. We did talk a few months back, and he knows that he is 100% in love with me and wants to be with me. I'm the one that's not sure. At the end of the day - I have a hard time making big decisions like this. I second guess myself a lot, so something as significant as this is almost impossible for me to do. To be honest, part of me just wants something else to decide it for me - ie. he has to move away for work. But I know that isn't likely to happen and I need to make this decision myself. I guess I also don't want to deal with the guilt of hurting him so badly. For your situation - I'm happy you both talked. It sounds like you're both unsure about what to do. Maybe a break would be what you both need, to figure out who you are as individuals to decide if you'd be better together. Having a more mutal break up can maybe help lend itself to reconciliation down the road? The more experienced posters can help you with that.
Recommended Posts