Furious Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Let's say you had a daughter in the exact situation you are in now. What would be your advice to her? This should give you the answer to your dilemma.
2sunny Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Put whatever it is with him on hold and focus on yourself and your reasonings to get involved with someone who's life is a mess right now. One foot in the door and one foot out of the door.. He has nothing to 'give' to you now due to what is going on his life..And i'm sure the last thing you want to be is his 'escape' from his life and problems. Honesty, if you think there's something there and it could lead to a serious relationship, then tell him NO sex until the D is final and he's had some time to sort through stuff (kids, being on his own), give him that space. To rush into a sexual affair with him is not a good situation as it'll hurt you. Or are you not looking for long term love? Do you think you deserve less? Are you afraid of falling in love? All stuff you need to think about. Whatever his reasons are for cheating on his wife, even though the house is on the market - HE still is there and they are living life together. Anything can happen..so this is why you need to focus on your life and not his as that's completely out of your hands and you have no say or control over what happens at home with his wife. This! ^^^^^^ Since he isn't DOING things to make sure the D starts and moves forward - that's telling you something! Doing nothing is something. He's also created energy between the two of you but not taken action on that either. That tells you something... Are you seeing the pattern here? People do have patterns in the way they do things. What IF he eventually divorces - it could take years... Then after THAT he still doesn't take the lead? Or isn't a man of a ton of action? Or is passive and wants others to be the leader? What IF it all takes 3-10 years? Are you willing to just wait and wait? For me - I would never have any sex with a man unless he's divorced - and I'm referring to it being finalized. It could really hurt your feelings just waiting. You need to decide what's best for YOU only (not even for him, but for YOU). Look out for YOUR well being and best interest! No one else is going to IF you don't. Make sure if you go further that you have evidence that he's a man that shows action and forward movement - otherwise you could get frustrated and resentful. Don't compromise what right for YOU - what you really deserve and want for your own happiness long term.
Silly_Girl Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I don't believe I love him now and I'm afraid that I will if we move to PA. This is key. Absolutely. It's not a cliché, it's true that women fall for who they're shagging. The hormone chemical thing ramps right up. It's wonderful when appropriate but I think that would cloud your judgement. You have some clarity and perspective (and self-respect) currently. I think you should hold off on the sex until you've worked through what you're doing, what you want, and why. I think you have a great opportunity to really sort this out and then progress in a controlled way, in a way which is best for YOU.
beyond Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I've lurked for years, but this is my first post. A little about my situation... I have been in an EA with a MM for about 4 years now. We met at work (I was married at that time) and we 'just friends'. Then, after spending alot of time together, I realized (after lurking here) that we're having an EA. Of course, I should have known that's what was happening, because I had been in an EA a few years before that (again with a coworker) and that ended like most do - with my feeling in shambles. To date, I haven't had any physical contact with this MM but we have taken short trips together (3-4 days) a couple of times in the past 2 years. Lately, we've discussed taking a longer trip and transitioning the R into a physical one later this year. Of course, everything in my head tells me that's a bad idea, but I would like to get some feedback from folks who made the transition from EA to PA... why did you do it, because I am almost certain I will regret it once I take that step. Thanks in advance for your feedback. If everything in your head is telling you its a bad idea then why do it? I was seeing a MM who I used to date years ago before his marriage. I was swept away when we met again and he promised me the world (well, a new start, divorce his wife, which he said he was doing anyway, and we would live together etc) Had a strong EA for over a year, emails etc and meeting up but I said I didn't want to sleep with him while he was still married. At first he was ok but then got more and more insistant about it even coming out with the classic line 'you would if you loved me'. I'm sure your MM wont be that crass to actually say that, but it would be interesting to know what his reaction would be if you said no to a PA. By his reaction I mean his actions - filing for divorce, moving out etc. Everyone has to do what's right for them - I know I would be even more connected and attatched to ex MM if I slept with him. We were together before he married and the sex was amazing so we both know what we are missing! I decided 2 weekes ago that I wasn't going to wait around and be a guilty secret any longer, nor deny myself a proper full relationship with someone who is proud to be with me and I with him. Do what your gut instinct says - and if it feels 'wrong' or 'uncomfortable' then don't do it. xx 3
eleanorrigby Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I think this is not going to end well. You have affairs on both sides, a house for sale, marriage crumbling, frightened children and now you wanna throw sex in the mix??
Author xLadyBirdx Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 All good feedback. I'm going to talk with him about my reservations this weekend. When I mentioned that I wanted to talk about his plans, timeline and expectations, he said "that's understandable, I know there's a lot going on". I think I'll have a better idea what he's thinking after that discussion and I can assess whether or not I want to keep things as they are or what.
Author xLadyBirdx Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Have not talked to the wife, Alice2012, and no desire to. The only reason I have any independent data on her affair is because she works with one of my sorors. For the house being on the market, bankruptcy or foreclosure are highly unlikely, but of course it is completely possible they are just moving. Anyone is capable of lying if they feel motivated to do so, MM or otherwise.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 All good feedback. I'm going to talk with him about my reservations this weekend. When I mentioned that I wanted to talk about his plans, timeline and expectations, he said "that's understandable, I know there's a lot going on". I think I'll have a better idea what he's thinking after that discussion and I can assess whether or not I want to keep things as they are or what. He sure didn't try acknowledging how this all makes you feel. He also gave the ultimate non answer. He gave no info! Have not talked to the wife, Alice2012, and no desire to. The only reason I have any independent data on her affair is because she works with one of my sorors. For the house being on the market, bankruptcy or foreclosure are highly unlikely, but of course it is completely possible they are just moving. Anyone is capable of lying if they feel motivated to do so, MM or otherwise. So you really have no evidence of what is real and what is false. When you chat with him his weekend - make him give you EVIDENCE of everything he claims or says to you. Without evidence - he's still married and living there.
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