Completely baffled by this....

[75andsunny]

Hi everybody,

 

I've posted on here a few times, and am still a frequent lurker.

 

So I recently had a situation that I could use some insight/valuable input on that I am completely baffled by and thought this board might have some. Am I in the right place? Haha, seriously though...

 

So I am 38 and was dating a girl who is 36. We met online and have seen each other 6 times over the course of the last 2-3 weeks. Some of these were planned dates, other times it was spur of the moment. In a nutshell, I was interested in her, so made an effort to be available.

 

Our last few times together we ended up spending some time on the couch with quite a bit of physical contact, but no sex yet. I made advances but she said she wasn't ready yet, which I'm cool with. I wasn't aggressive or untoward, just a guy with his shirt off and with a girl with hers off kind of stuff. We've had what I thought were some great dates together, and she has said several times that 'this is nice' and 'I'm very comfortable with you'.

 

Last night we spent an unplanned evening together, and I came up to her place where we spooned on the sofa and just spent a real lazy chill night together. I left at 2am, thinking if she's not ready for sex, it would be inappropriate to spend the night. She nonchalantly offered that I could stay but I just didn't see the point, plus I had something going on this morning. Not sure what that has to do with anything other than me trying to replay this thing and trying to figure it out, so bear with me. Anyway, we kissed good night and I left thinking everything is good, and we had plans to spend the afternoon together.

 

All this time, I'm not sensing anything wrong or that we're not in the same place as far as the pace of the relationship. This morning I get a TEXT (yes a TEXT) from her saying that she woke up feeling something isn't right and that we basically won't be seeing each other again. Caught me completely offguard.

 

My question is: what could possibly have happened in the 6-7 hours of sleepy time between last night in this morning? How could I have missed something that wasn't right with her? Her actions and word never indicated anything of the kind. Ladies, is this kind of thing normal? That you just stop feeling it all of (seemingly) sudden? Is 'not ready for sex' code for 'not that into you' and I'm just too naive to get that?

 

Serious questions. I just started dating again this year after the break up of a marriage. I'd consider myself well put together: no problem getting dates, good career, in shape, considerate and respectful. I have a few red flags that I am aware of and up front about from the beginning: I am paperwork pending on a divorce (nothing messy, no kids), and I don't drink (live a sober lifestyle by choice after years of not). I am clear about these things from the beginning so if she is not cool with it, then we move on, no harm no foul.

 

These things shouldn't be an issue later on in a relationship should they? (Like, 'spending weekends together and getting semi-naked on the sofa' later on in a relationship). I'm just speculating because I really don't understand this one. I've gone out with my share of flakes, but it usually doesn't last beyond a first date or two and I'm fairly good at picking up on interest level and general flakiness.

 

That's my rant for the day. Thanks for reading...hope everyone is having a great weekend.

[Pierre]

Hi everybody,

 

I've posted on here a few times, and am still a frequent lurker.

 

So I recently had a situation that I could use some insight/valuable input on that I am completely baffled by and thought this board might have some. Am I in the right place? Haha, seriously though...

 

So I am 38 and was dating a girl who is 36. We met online and have seen each other 6 times over the course of the last 2-3 weeks. Some of these were planned dates, other times it was spur of the moment. In a nutshell, I was interested in her, so made an effort to be available.

 

Our last few times together we ended up spending some time on the couch with quite a bit of physical contact, but no sex yet. I made advances but she said she wasn't ready yet, which I'm cool with. I wasn't aggressive or untoward, just a guy with his shirt off and with a girl with hers off kind of stuff. We've had what I thought were some great dates together, and she has said several times that 'this is nice' and 'I'm very comfortable with you'.

 

Last night we spent an unplanned evening together, and I came up to her place where we spooned on the sofa and just spent a real lazy chill night together. I left at 2am, thinking if she's not ready for sex, it would be inappropriate to spend the night. She nonchalantly offered that I could stay but I just didn't see the point, plus I had something going on this morning. Not sure what that has to do with anything other than me trying to replay this thing and trying to figure it out, so bear with me. Anyway, we kissed good night and I left thinking everything is good, and we had plans to spend the afternoon together.

 

All this time, I'm not sensing anything wrong or that we're not in the same place as far as the pace of the relationship. This morning I get a TEXT (yes a TEXT) from her saying that she woke up feeling something isn't right and that we basically won't be seeing each other again. Caught me completely offguard.

 

My question is: what could possibly have happened in the 6-7 hours of sleepy time between last night in this morning? How could I have missed something that wasn't right with her? Her actions and word never indicated anything of the kind. Ladies, is this kind of thing normal? That you just stop feeling it all of (seemingly) sudden? Is 'not ready for sex' code for 'not that into you' and I'm just too naive to get that?

 

Serious questions. I just started dating again this year after the break up of a marriage. I'd consider myself well put together: no problem getting dates, good career, in shape, considerate and respectful. I have a few red flags that I am aware of and up front about from the beginning: I am paperwork pending on a divorce (nothing messy, no kids), and I don't drink (live a sober lifestyle by choice after years of not). I am clear about these things from the beginning so if she is not cool with it, then we move on, no harm no foul.

 

These things shouldn't be an issue later on in a relationship should they? (Like, 'spending weekends together and getting semi-naked on the sofa' later on in a relationship). I'm just speculating because I really don't understand this one. I've gone out with my share of flakes, but it usually doesn't last beyond a first date or two and I'm fairly good at picking up on interest level and general flakiness.

 

That's my rant for the day. Thanks for reading...hope everyone is having a great weekend.

 

This is an easy one:

 

She thinks you are a great guy and therefore does not want to have sex with you right away. She is insecure and trying to play her cards differently. IN the past she would have sex sooner trying to keep the guy and it backfired.

 

Because she is insecure she needs to see you trying to get into her pants to get validation. When you walked away she was disappointed because she was expecting you to try to have sex with her even if she planned to resist.

 

Now she comes up with the silly statement to see if you try to continue the relationship. She needs more validation.

 

 

OTOH, forget all of the above. I could be wrong and maybe she is not into you.

 

The question is why do women do all this necking with guys if they are not into them.

[Imajerk17]

Well I'm gonna suggest something radical: Why don't you call her up and ask her yourself?

[FitChick]

By telling you that you could stay, she was offering herself but in an oblique way. You left so she felt rejected. At this point you have nothing to lose by calling her. You'll probably get voicemail so write down talking points so you say everything you need to say with one call. Then let it go.

[bamp78]

Ok here's the deal...you really aren't into her but more on that later. Basically you didn't escalate enough with her and when she offered her place to stay for the night and you declined she took that as you rejecting her obvious...in her mind...offer for further intimacy. Anytime a woman says she is comfortable with a man and she has her shirt off it's blatantly obvious that she is ready. You took her saying that she isn't ready way to literally what she was doing was putting up some token resistance to make sure you wouldn't disappear after sleeping with her. Women communicate differently than you do buddy so while she thought she was giving green light signals you took it as that it would be ok to put it off for another day. Yea that never works as you found out. Things didn't change while she was asleep things changed the second you walked out her door that night it just took her the 6-7 hours to tell you. The reason why you aren't that into her is because you didn't stay. When a guy is really interested in a girl he wouldn't let something like stuff to do in the morning keep him from sharing her bed for the night even if all the two of you did is talk all night.

[75andsunny]

Well I'm gonna suggest something radical: Why don't you call her up and ask her yourself?

 

I should have included that I did. Basically a 'just doesn't seem right to me' response that doesn't clear anything up for me.

[75andsunny]

Ok here's the deal...you really aren't into her but more on that later. Basically you didn't escalate enough with her and when she offered her place to stay for the night and you declined she took that as you rejecting her obvious...in her mind...offer for further intimacy. Anytime a woman says she is comfortable with a man and she has her shirt off it's blatantly obvious that she is ready. You took her saying that she isn't ready way to literally what she was doing was putting up some token resistance to make sure you wouldn't disappear after sleeping with her. Women communicate differently than you do buddy so while she thought she was giving green light signals you took it as that it would be ok to put it off for another day. Yea that never works as you found out. Things didn't change while she was asleep things changed the second you walked out her door that night it just took her the 6-7 hours to tell you. The reason why you aren't that into her is because you didn't stay. When a guy is really interested in a girl he wouldn't let something like stuff to do in the morning keep him from sharing her bed for the night even if all the two of you did is talk all night.

 

 

An interesting theory. I wanted to stay. I didn't feel like it was appropriate. But now I am feeling like an ass and realize I should have. At the time I really felt like it was imposing, especially after her rejection of my advances (or token resistance as you call it). Maybe I'm old fashioned, and like I said, haven't dated much recently, so am kind of new to this all over again, but don't think I could have been any more obvious in my interest level with her, and not just from a physical standpoint. And if your theory is right, then one little (honest) bad move like this and it's off? That seems harsh and not sure I wanna play this game any more. Now what do I do?

[mesmerized]

Ok here's the deal...you really aren't into her but more on that later. Basically you didn't escalate enough with her and when she offered her place to stay for the night and you declined she took that as you rejecting her obvious...in her mind...offer for further intimacy. Anytime a woman says she is comfortable with a man and she has her shirt off it's blatantly obvious that she is ready. You took her saying that she isn't ready way to literally what she was doing was putting up some token resistance to make sure you wouldn't disappear after sleeping with her. Women communicate differently than you do buddy so while she thought she was giving green light signals you took it as that it would be ok to put it off for another day. Yea that never works as you found out. Things didn't change while she was asleep things changed the second you walked out her door that night it just took her the 6-7 hours to tell you. The reason why you aren't that into her is because you didn't stay. When a guy is really interested in a girl he wouldn't let something like stuff to do in the morning keep him from sharing her bed for the night even if all the two of you did is talk all night.

 

You nailed it! I think she feels that you are not that interested in her or attracted to her. I agree with another poster that said you should call her up and talk about it.

[bamp78]

An interesting theory. I wanted to stay. I didn't feel like it was appropriate. But now I am feeling like an ass and realize I should have. At the time I really felt like it was imposing, especially after her rejection of my advances (or token resistance as you call it). Maybe I'm old fashioned, and like I said, haven't dated much recently, so am kind of new to this all over again, but don't think I could have been any more obvious in my interest level with her, and not just from a physical standpoint. And if your theory is right, then one little (honest) bad move like this and it's off? That seems harsh and not sure I wanna play this game any more. Now what do I do?

 

It's not a theory nor is this a game. What it is is a lack of understanding on your part about how women communicate their interest in a man. It's not off because of 1 bad move on your part...you probably missed a bunch of opportunities that she was giving you to move this forward. She wanted you to stick around which is why she threw up resistance to your advances which is a good thing cause she was genuinely interested in you and you being part of her life. The problem now is that when a woman goes cold or in auto-rejection mode it's very hard to warm her back up. So what do you do now? That all depends on what you want with her. If you want her in your life than call her, don't bring up what happened, and proceed with how you want this interaction to turn out. Your behavior/actions will dictate how this unfolds so either be 100% in or 100% out. It's obvious that she wants things to move quicker than you do so if you won't give her what she wants than there are plenty of guys out there that will please her. So it's time to man up take her in your arms and lead her to where you want her to be. It's your life buddy...

[75andsunny]

It's not a theory nor is this a game. What it is is a lack of understanding on your part about how women communicate their interest in a man. It's not off because of 1 bad move on your part...you probably missed a bunch of opportunities that she was giving you to move this forward. She wanted you to stick around which is why she threw up resistance to your advances which is a good thing cause she was genuinely interested in you and you being part of her life. The problem now is that when a woman goes cold or in auto-rejection mode it's very hard to warm her back up. So what do you do now? That all depends on what you want with her. If you want her in your life than call her, don't bring up what happened, and proceed with how you want this interaction to turn out. Your behavior/actions will dictate how this unfolds so either be 100% in or 100% out. It's obvious that she wants things to move quicker than you do so if you won't give her what she wants than there are plenty of guys out there that will please her. So it's time to man up take her in your arms and lead her to where you want her to be. It's your life buddy...

 

I agree to some extent that I should have stayed, but this isn't the first time we were close to 'dancing'. Each and every time it ended fine with either her or me leaving and not spending the night. No big deal....people work in the morning, we don't live around the corner from each other (oh, and she has a male roomate, which is also something I wanted to feel out,,he wasn't in town this weekend but in any case, there's that).

 

She was very clear about not going all the way....and her communication style is very direct so no I don't think I missed any opportunities and tried every time we were semi-naked together to go further. But not in a disrespecful way. I was 100% in, and was very clear of my intentions. From a non-physical standpoint, I was available, and changed plans more than once to spend time with her. So I don't think this is it.

 

 

It's all speculation anyway, but for arguments sake, if the right move was to stay (it sure feels like a game), and I didn't for whatever reasons, how does that turn into a deal breaker without some sort of communication about it? All I am getting from her is 'this just doesn't feel right'. Well fine, I might be able to accept that after a couple of dates but to say after spending a ton of quality time, and without giving any obvious signals (other than not wanting to have sex) I just don't get it.

 

Maybe it is as simple as 'she's just not that into me' and it took her a little longer to feel it. I coulda done without all the crushed high hopes though. Guess I'll just chalk it up to that and not lose any sleep over it.

 

Thanks for the input though.