If he expects you to initiate first, I'm assuming he's not that interested

May 21, 2012

Anyway, back to my original thought... I've had multiple men over the course of the past year just give me their card or give their number to a friend to give to me. They don't ask them for mine though.

When that happens, all I can think of is that movie "He's just not that into you." and that well, if he were that interested, he'd call me.

Giving me his card or expecting me to initiate or ask on things feels kind of lazy and that he isn't interested. The whole dynamic then feels rather 'meh' to me. I'd rather have some back and forth where we are both initiating things.

Thoughts?

Are you meeting these men in a social context or in a work/professional context? The passing of business cards make me wonder if it's the latter.

A lot of us men are ultra, ultra cautious about asking out a woman that we meet professionally unless you're giving us a written invitation that says something like "I want to date you and screw your brains out". It's often hard to tell if a woman is being friendly because she's interested in us romantically or professionally. I'd rather err on the side of caution and always assume she's only interested in me as professional contact.

May 21, 2012

I asked my ex-boyfriend out. He was the one to ask me if we'd like to get together for lunch, but ultimately I was the one who crossed it over into romantic territory and ended up kissing him a few times (initiating it, too) before I asked him out.

The ex-boyfriend before him asked me to be his girlfriend, but I initiated all the friendly-ish get-togethers and the like.

Both, in my opinion, turned out to not be that into me. My last ex seemed much more interested than the first but that 'meh' attitude just carried through both relationships. It was like they both just got way too lazy to bother with doing anything. And these guys were at total opposite ends of the spectrum: one was a complete jerk, and the other I feel wasn't so 'meh' out of malice, but just ignorance and complacency.

They expected me to pick up all the slack and take care of all of the problems.

I'll never ask another guy out again. I will never ask for his phone number, never ask him to be my boyfriend, etc. - because I think it's true. If he were REALLY into you, he'd probably get up the courage to ask you out. Unless he's in high school or early college and he's completely inexperienced or something. But aside from that, I feel he'd make the moves if he were 'that into you.'

I honestly think that most guys will take an opportunity if it presents itself: they're single, you're available, why not? I'm not saying men are DESPERATE, but if you're presenting yourself and they don't have to do any of the work, suddenly you become more interesting.

Then you wind up meandering through a relationship that isn't satisfying for years, maybe even the rest of your life.

Never again.

May 21, 2012

BTW, I initiated contact with the man I'm getting to know

Maybe you just think you did, just saying.

I'd argue that even some of us shy guys will on occasion step out of our comfort zone and make our interest know when we meet someone that really catches our eye. Sure it may seem a little more challenging for those of us that are not very adept at flirting, but we manage from time to time.

I think the two guys were trying to protect their egos and minimize the sting of rejection. Which is unfortunate for them. While I don't relish in being rejected, I'd take the risk and go after what I want. That's why I initiated with my lady friend, it was worth putting myself out there. Yeah, she seemed worth the risk, there's something special about her.

That's why I'd never leave it up to her to contact me. Picking up the phone isn't that difficult, putting it down, that can be a different story.

Edited May 21, 2012 by sid3

May 21, 2012

Maybe you just think you did, just saying.

I'd argue that even some of us shy guys will on occasion step out of our comfort zone and make our interest know when we meet someone that really catches our eye. Sure it may seem a little more challenging for those of us that are not very adept at flirting, but we manage from time to time.

I think the two guys were trying to protect their egos and minimize the sting of rejection. Which is unfortunate for them. While I don't relish in being rejected, I'd take the risk and go after what I want. That's why I initiated with my lady friend, it was worth putting myself out there. Yeah, she seemed worth the risk, there's something special about her.

That's why I'd never leave it up to her to contact me. Picking up the phone isn't that difficult, putting it down, that can be a different story.

good point. This thread reminds me of a favorite saying...

The problem with communication is the illusion that it occurred

Good for you for initiating! I'll have to remember that my version of initiating might not be someone else's.

May 21, 2012

I'm kind of going to have to side with TBF. The assertive men are the ones you seem to prefer, if these types you discuss are turning you off. Do what makes you feel feminine.

May 21, 2012

Are you meeting these men in a social context or in a work/professional context? The passing of business cards make me wonder if it's the latter.

A lot of us men are ultra, ultra cautious about asking out a woman that we meet professionally unless you're giving us a written invitation that says something like "I want to date you and screw your brains out". It's often hard to tell if a woman is being friendly because she's interested in us romantically or professionally. I'd rather err on the side of caution and always assume she's only interested in me as professional contact.

In the two cases I mentioned, it was in a social setting. Through friends. The first one knew I was single. The second, was told I was single before he offered his phone number.

The friend of a friend thing might also give some people pause...

yes, the professional setting... I'd be very careful about that myself.

May 21, 2012

I guess I'd ask you... why didn't you ask for her number? What was holding you back?

The door of the bus closing and the bus driving away with her in it. There was no opportunity to exchange contact details.

By the time she made clear that she was interested I had to get off the bus and she had to go on. It was really last minute or rather last second.

I have been in this sort of situation multiple times before. And that's why I decided to have cards printed for those type of situations.

The problem is not that women initiate or approach or call/text/e-mail first, but a problem I did experience is that when women approach a guy, they tend to do it at the most inopportune moments. The timing tends to be inopportune.

And I think I know why that is. Women, like men, try to build up courage before an approach, however it seems that since a lot of women are inexperienced in approaching men, they lose track of their timing and of how appropriate the situation is for approach.

So they're building up courage and as that is going on it might become apparent that their window of opportunity is closing for whatever reason. They then see their chances diminishing and they get desperate. And at that moment of desperation, bam, out of nothing they tell you they're interested and ask you out for example.

However, when they do that, they're asking me to make a split-second decision. I'd rather have it that they slowly build up their expression of interest, instead of pouring it all out on the second I have to leave or when I'm in the middle of something work related or when I'm in the middle of talking to other people or whatever the situation.

You often hear that women are the ones who pick their partner. I don't agree with that, at least not from my perspective. It's a two-way street in my opinion. That's why I as a guy also need some time to evaluate whether I actually like her or not and I'm not talking about her looks. If a woman does the approach, then she needs to give me the opportunity for that.

I have never started crushing on first sight, with one exception, but that was because I projected a certain personality onto the woman, because she looked like an actress that I like. So I always need to get to know a woman first before I can develop interest. Meaning I need some time for evaluation.

So in terms of do's and don'ts when you approach as a woman:

Do:

- Feel free to contact him first if he gives you his card. It means he's already interested on some level.

- Slowly build up your expression of interest, so that he can intuitively pick up on it and evaluate you.

Don't:

- Don't wait until the last second when he has to go

- But DO wait for an opportune moment. Make sure you have him alone for enough time

- Make sure he's in a situation where he's able to focus on you and you alone

- Don't do it in front of other people, you're then putting him on the spot and that can work in your disadvantage.

- Don't ask him to make split second decisions. You're then taking away his evaluation time and that can make a guy feel cornered.

And some general advice. For a woman it's better to do an indirect approach. A woman that comes on to a man in a very strong and direct way can come across as pushy. I've had that happen too.

DO NOT start a conversation with negativity. For me as a guy that's a turn-off, I imagine it's the same for many other guys too. For example, I've had it happen that I was standing and at some bus stop and I saw a girl checking me out. She decided to walk up to me and start a conversation, but everything she was telling me was negative, she was basically complaining about all sorts of stuff in general. She had good looks, but the negativity turned me off. That actually was the decisive factor in that case. And she could see by my reaction that it wasn't going very well, simply because I didn't know what to say about her complaints.

Also put your cell phone away. And if you smoke, stop. Multiple studies have shown that for 75% of ALL MEN, i.e. pretty much all men that don't smoke, that smoking is the number one turn-off in a woman. I can't even count the times I saw an attractive woman walking the street, only to then see her raise her hand to her mouth sucking on a cigarette. Instant turn-off, I lose interest in a fraction of a second, I don't even look at her anymore. I think it's safe to say that if you're a woman and you smoke, then you limit your "fishing pool" to smoking men, which is about 25% of the population world wide. (there are exceptions of course)

Edited May 21, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

May 21, 2012

Man I feel like I'm living in another planet. I didn't even know there are girls who approach men like this. I've never been approached in my life

I would love for you to approach me OP, I would be 100% flattered and then do my best to initiate as much as possible the rest of the way. You're not doing anything wrong, these guys must be idiots

May 22, 2012

The door of the bus closing and the bus driving away with her in it. There was no opportunity to exchange contact details.

By the time she made clear that she was interested I had to get off the bus and she had to go on. It was really last minute or rather last second.

I have been in this sort of situation multiple times before. And that's why I decided to have cards printed for those type of situations.

The problem is not that women initiate or approach or call/text/e-mail first, but a problem I did experience is that when women approach a guy, they tend to do it at the most inopportune moments. The timing tends to be inopportune.

And I think I know why that is. Women, like men, try to build up courage before an approach, however it seems that since a lot of women are inexperienced in approaching men, they lose track of their timing and of how appropriate the situation is for approach.

So they're building up courage and as that is going on it might become apparent that their window of opportunity is closing for whatever reason. They then see their chances diminishing and they get desperate. And at that moment of desperation, bam, out of nothing they tell you they're interested and ask you out for example.

However, when they do that, they're asking me to make a split-second decision. I'd rather have it that they slowly build up their expression of interest, instead of pouring it all out on the second I have to leave or when I'm in the middle of something work related or when I'm in the middle of talking to other people or whatever the situation.

You often hear that women are the ones who pick their partner. I don't agree with that, at least not from my perspective. It's a two-way street in my opinion. That's why I as a guy also need some time to evaluate whether I actually like her or not and I'm not talking about her looks. If a woman does the approach, then she needs to give me the opportunity for that.

I have never started crushing on first sight, with one exception, but that was because I projected a certain personality onto the woman, because she looked like an actress that I like. So I always need to get to know a woman first before I can develop interest. Meaning I need some time for evaluation.

So in terms of do's and don'ts when you approach as a woman:

Do:
- Feel free to contact him first if he gives you his card. It means he's already interested on some level.
- Slowly build up your expression of interest, so that he can intuitively pick up on it and evaluate you.

Don't:
- Don't wait until the last second when he has to go
- But DO wait for an opportune moment. Make sure you have him alone for enough time
- Make sure he's in a situation where he's able to focus on you and you alone
- Don't do it in front of other people, you're then putting him on the spot and that can work in your disadvantage.
- Don't ask him to make split second decisions. You're then taking away his evaluation time and that can make a guy feel cornered.

And some general advice. For a woman it's better to do an indirect approach. A woman that comes on to a man in a very strong and direct way can come across as pushy. I've had that happen too.

DO NOT start a conversation with negativity. For me as a guy that's a turn-off, I imagine it's the same for many other guys too. For example, I've had it happen that I was standing and at some bus stop and I saw a girl checking me out. She decided to walk up to me and start a conversation, but everything she was telling me was negative, she was basically complaining about all sorts of stuff in general. She had good looks, but the negativity turned me off. That actually was the decisive factor in that case. And she could see by my reaction that it wasn't going very well, simply because I didn't know what to say about her complaints.

Also put your cell phone away. And if you smoke, stop. Multiple studies have shown that for 75% of ALL MEN, i.e. pretty much all men that don't smoke, that smoking is the number one turn-off in a woman. I can't even count the times I saw an attractive woman walking the street, only to then see her raise her hand to her mouth sucking on a cigarette. Instant turn-off, I lose interest in a fraction of a second, I don't even look at her anymore. I think it's safe to say that if you're a woman and you smoke, then you limit your "fishing pool" to smoking men, which is about 25% of the population world wide. (there are exceptions of course)

You make alot of excellent points... the ones about giving the guy some time to evaluate are especially important. I've been guilty of that once or twice

(I don't smoke, and I agree it is a huge turnoff)

May 22, 2012

Man I feel like I'm living in another planet. I didn't even know there are girls who approach men like this. I've never been approached in my life

I would love for you to approach me OP, I would be 100% flattered and then do my best to initiate as much as possible the rest of the way. You're not doing anything wrong, these guys must be idiots

Or they assume I'm from another planet, ha ha

May 22, 2012

When that happens, all I can think of is that movie "He's just not that into you." and that well, if he were that interested, he'd call me.

Thoughts?

You can never go wrong taking romantic advice from a hollywood movie.

May 22, 2012

If you are interested, I don't see the harm in an email saying something like, "Hi, this is so-and-so. I was flattered to receive your card....."and leave it at that. If he wants to ask you out, you've given him a clear opportunity. I wouldn't pursue beyond that.

I'm all for soft pursues like this, and they've always worked better for me than stronger pursues or no pursues, whether in person or via email etc etc.

If pursuing means "doing all the work," then technically NO ONE should pursue. If pursuing simply means initiating, I don't see how it matters who initiates or is a clear indicative of interest. If you initiate, and it's never reciprocated, that's a different story. Every R needs reciprocation.

I think you need to figure out how to bait for the fish you want to catch. I have an assertive personality, and I also noticed I never attracted the men I wanted to catch when I didn't put some initiative out there. The men who cold-called me and approached me without any indication or initiative on my part were just plain awful -- mostly Alphas with little wit, strong egos, and a focus on the material and physical. Now, sometimes, after a LONG time (several months) of knowing me, the kind of guy I liked would approach, once he felt comfortable and had sussed he situation out, I guess, but I didn't have that kind of patience to wait for those situations to create themselves continually, so I sped them up by finding those kinds of guys and giving them strong signals or expressing clear interest or whatever.

But other people may want different things -- so you need the bait that suits YOUR needs.

So, I think I could stand to take a step back and reevaluate. Learn to tone it down and avoid being viewed as some bizarre 'force of nature'.

The force of nature thing is what I do to get by in my job. It is not the kind of relationship I want with a man. I keep saying this... but I really just want balance.

I think you have to do what makes you happy -- if initiating makes you unhappy, then don't do it. That would be silly.

However, you've said throughout these posts several things that make me question whether it's your ego and some external beliefs ('people think a woman is desperate' if she approaches etc) that are influencing you or whether it's your R style.

I am definitely a force of nature, and I think I seem that way in early dating --- though I've never slung a man over my shoulder, metaphorically, it's always been fairly balanced and easily reciprocated if we went on even a few dates. And, hell, often I've initiated only to later be uninterested after a few dates. It happens. I've never been a fan of chasing, and I would say most of the men I initiated first dates with eventually chased me. All I did was say, "Tag, you're it!" essentially and let them know the game was on.

Without those clear signals, I could see how a man who's no longer in HS or college and who's not on the prowl constantly would not approach after a few initial meetings. Chasing a woman who hasn't given you the clear signal to do so is essentially complex, aggressive, and potentially offensive to some --- I get how futile it would also seem. At the same time, anyone who needs more than a clear expression of interest (women often underestimate what 'clear' is, I think) to get them going may not be worth the effort. I would say expressing interest is good, fixating on a man who hasn't yet reciprocated is bad (same thing is true for men, really, though we may expect expressions of interest to be different from different genders).

Rarely, but sometimes, I had initiated a dating situation with a guy, he wasn't calling or chasing or setting up dates, and I wrote him off. That's what you have to be able to do: write someone off and not really worry about it. Men have to be able to do that too, with women who consistently flake or whatnot. But, to me, the possibility that a guy would go on a date and later become a write-off was not really a good reason not to approach men. I figured you had to fail a lot in dating to succeed, and I figured if I wanted others to put themselves out there, then I had to do so too.

Edited May 22, 2012 by zengirl

May 22, 2012

Someone isnt interested if you have to initiate ALL THE TIME.

Personally if I initiated the first date, I won't initiate the second one. Unless Im not serious with her and just want sex. For serious relationship, I want someone who wants me as much as I want her.

May 28, 2012

After having a series of interactions where the guy seemed to expect me to make the first move (ie, first email, first phone call...etc)... I'm starting to get a bit annoyed.

Ok, annoyed isn't the right word. I really don't have a problem initiating.

My problem is that, after hearing over and over that men assume the woman is desperate if she initiates... Or that I'm somehow defective in some way if I initiate, I'm going to stop doing it.

Because, I actually don't feel that way. Desperate or defective. In the past, I've just felt it was more efficient if both people were taking some measures to show interest.

Anyway, back to my original thought... I've had multiple men over the course of the past year just give me their card or give their number to a friend to give to me. They don't ask them for mine though.

When that happens, all I can think of is that movie "He's just not that into you." and that well, if he were that interested, he'd call me.

Giving me his card or expecting me to initiate or ask on things feels kind of lazy and that he isn't interested. The whole dynamic then feels rather 'meh' to me. I'd rather have some back and forth where we are both initiating things.

Thoughts?

ok.. time for an update...

The first guy who handed me his card, I gave him mine back. He never did call. That was a couple of months ago.

The second guy... he was a friend of a friend. He didn't show up to the event I'd hoped to see him at. My other friend asked me if it were ok if he gave Mr. Studmuffin my number, and I said sure. He emails me later (my friend) with the guy's number. Of course, I don't call. At this point, I'd made an effort to chat the guy up. Said he could call me. My job is done at this point.

A few days go by, and Mr. Hot stuff gives his number to another friend of mine. Ok. I'm still not calling him.

So, guess what? He called today. Yep. We had a nice chat.

UNTIL... he started with the sexy talk. Asked me what I liked to sleep in (I said a bed ha ha). Told me that he bets my little bubble butt would look awesome in a thong. I politely tried to redirect the conversation... but he wouldn't be discouraged... Asked if he could come over!! Wow, that guy has balls. I guess. Seemed kind of tacky if you ask me.

So I told him I didn't think our goals were in line and wished him a good evening.

*shrug*

Funny thing is... I happened to see my other friend earlier in the week. He said that the ladies swoon over this guy. I laughed and said, yea, I've dated men who have the ladies throwing panties at him. Not all of them are jerks, so we'd see.

First phone call and Mr. Hot stuff is thinking I'm going to be throwing my panties at him too. That's fine. Not what I'm looking for.

It's too bad too. Our first conversation a few weeks ago was nice. Thought we had alot of common interests... diving and other outdoor activities. My other friends are both long-time married people. I wouldn't have taken them to hang out with a guy like that. But I guess people don't show all their sides to their friends.

So, there you go ladies. I still think initiating is fine. They have to hit the ball back though.

If a guy hands me his card, or gives me his number, I won't be using it. I'll give him mine if I'm interested and that's it.

Oh, and the long distance guy who I felt I initiated with? He's taken to texting instead of calling. We are supposed to meet next weekend, but I'm nervous. I'm afraid of getting attached to someone who doesn't live nearby. His preference for texting makes me think he's got someone on the side where he lives too and might be looking for a long-distance booty call back up.

When I told him I was nervous, he chose to keep texting instead of calling. Maybe he was tired, or maybe he was nervous too. Not sure.

Tomorrow is another day...

Edited May 28, 2012 by RedRobin

May 28, 2012

Upon first meeting someone, very rarely does it go SO well, that the guy will feel compelled to call you right away, if at all.

Unless your a very charismatic, social person, who comes across really well most of the time and to most people - it would be like this, for MOST cool, but not super attractive women:

- guy is attracted to your looks and thinks your a nice girl that is worthy of getting to know more

- guy gives you his number or card if you approach him, because he is interested or open to talking to you more

- it does not mean he thinks your so amazing that he has to have you just yet!

- it takes you following it up, for him to SEE if your truly a great girl.

Very few people just hit it off so well, and are so utterly attracted, that the guy will shower the girl with texts and affection right away - this only happens to the super attractive women, who find guys who treat them like a princess, for simply being beautiful and a nice enough girl.

For the rest of us, the best that can happen is: your meeting goes so well, that the guy does end up calling, or when you call he is erally really pleased to hear from you, and even tells you that he is glad you texted or emailed him, and would love to grab dinner with you sometime SOON.

Honestly - instaces of guys being SO into you right from the get go, that they ALWAYS call you, is a thing in the movies... Most women have to make an effort to show the guy they are even worthy of following up.

Look - unless your VERY attractve with a very friendly personality, guys will not approach you or call you back so eagerly - you have to follow it up.

If he gives you his card - this is YOUR chance to send a short message, that may or may not sound appealing to him... " hey, how are you, it was nice meeting you, let me know if you want to get together sometime" may cut it...... " hey, your sexy , lets go on a date yay" will probably not cut it, unless your a super model , then some guys will go for you no matter how psycho u come across initially...

May 28, 2012

I am definitely a force of nature, and I think I seem that way in early dating --- though I've never slung a man over my shoulder, metaphorically, it's always been fairly balanced and easily reciprocated if we went on even a few dates. And, hell, often I've initiated only to later be uninterested after a few dates. It happens. I've never been a fan of chasing, and I would say most of the men I initiated first dates with eventually chased me. All I did was say, "Tag, you're it!" essentially and let them know the game was on.

Without those clear signals, I could see how a man who's no longer in HS or college and who's not on the prowl constantly would not approach after a few initial meetings. Chasing a woman who hasn't given you the clear signal to do so is essentially complex, aggressive, and potentially offensive to some --- I get how futile it would also seem. At the same time, anyone who needs more than a clear expression of interest (women often underestimate what 'clear' is, I think) to get them going may not be worth the effort. I would say expressing interest is good, fixating on a man who hasn't yet reciprocated is bad (same thing is true for men, really, though we may expect expressions of interest to be different from different genders).

Rarely, but sometimes, I had initiated a dating situation with a guy, he wasn't calling or chasing or setting up dates, and I wrote him off. That's what you have to be able to do: write someone off and not really worry about it. Men have to be able to do that too, with women who consistently flake or whatnot. But, to me, the possibility that a guy would go on a date and later become a write-off was not really a good reason not to approach men. I figured you had to fail a lot in dating to succeed, and I figured if I wanted others to put themselves out there, then I had to do so too.

This is very good and my philosophy as well.

May 28, 2012

ok.. time for an update...

The first guy who handed me his card, I gave him mine back. He never did call. That was a couple of months ago.

The second guy... he was a friend of a friend. He didn't show up to the event I'd hoped to see him at. My other friend asked me if it were ok if he gave Mr. Studmuffin my number, and I said sure. He emails me later (my friend) with the guy's number. Of course, I don't call. At this point, I'd made an effort to chat the guy up. Said he could call me. My job is done at this point.

A few days go by, and Mr. Hot stuff gives his number to another friend of mine. Ok. I'm still not calling him.

So, guess what? He called today. Yep. We had a nice chat.

UNTIL... he started with the sexy talk. Asked me what I liked to sleep in (I said a bed ha ha). Told me that he bets my little bubble butt would look awesome in a thong. I politely tried to redirect the conversation... but he wouldn't be discouraged... Asked if he could come over!! Wow, that guy has balls. I guess. Seemed kind of tacky if you ask me.

So I told him I didn't think our goals were in line and wished him a good evening.

*shrug*

Funny thing is... I happened to see my other friend earlier in the week. He said that the ladies swoon over this guy. I laughed and said, yea, I've dated men who have the ladies throwing panties at him. Not all of them are jerks, so we'd see.

First phone call and Mr. Hot stuff is thinking I'm going to be throwing my panties at him too. That's fine. Not what I'm looking for.

It's too bad too. Our first conversation a few weeks ago was nice. Thought we had alot of common interests... diving and other outdoor activities. My other friends are both long-time married people. I wouldn't have taken them to hang out with a guy like that. But I guess people don't show all their sides to their friends.

So, there you go ladies. I still think initiating is fine. They have to hit the ball back though.

If a guy hands me his card, or gives me his number, I won't be using it. I'll give him mine if I'm interested and that's it.

Oh, and the long distance guy who I felt I initiated with? He's taken to texting instead of calling. We are supposed to meet next weekend, but I'm nervous. I'm afraid of getting attached to someone who doesn't live nearby. His preference for texting makes me think he's got someone on the side where he lives too and might be looking for a long-distance booty call back up.

When I told him I was nervous, he chose to keep texting instead of calling. Maybe he was tired, or maybe he was nervous too. Not sure.

Tomorrow is another day...

That's too bad your nice chat ended up turning out like it did. Sounds like there may have been some potential up until..

He sounds more desperate to me than a guy thats getting panties thrown at him. Apparently everyone has there own preferences and mannerisms though.

I know when I'm really tired and still have a lot to do, I'll sometimes opt for a few text msgs instead of calling. Rather than not contact someone at all, I'll try to include them in my time however I can. Yeah, calls are always nicer than texts, but if I've spent considerable amount of time on the phone with a person recently, hopefully she'd understand.

But that's just my opinion. Everyone has there own idea of what's healthy or not.

Sometimes its good to take a step back and evaluate things from time to time. Especially when one is unsure. It happens to us all once in awhile. Nobody likes to think they're someone else's booty call.

May 28, 2012

That's too bad your nice chat ended up turning out like it did. Sounds like there may have been some potential up until..

He sounds more desperate to me than a guy thats getting panties thrown at him. Apparently everyone has there own preferences and mannerisms though.

I know when I'm really tired and still have a lot to do, I'll sometimes opt for a few text msgs instead of calling. Rather than not contact someone at all, I'll try to include them in my time however I can. Yeah, calls are always nicer than texts, but if I've spent considerable amount of time on the phone with a person recently, hopefully she'd understand.
But that's just my opinion. Everyone has there own idea of what's healthy or not.

Sometimes its good to take a step back and evaluate things from time to time. Especially when one is unsure. It happens to us all once in awhile. Nobody likes to think they're someone else's booty call.

I don't know about the potential. It was initially a nice conversation and that's all. I think I was right, though, in choosing not to call him first. It was a bit surprising to have him call after all that time had passed. Plus having budding feelings for someone else made me not as open and chatty as I might otherwise be.

Guys get alot of mixed messages about how flirty they are supposed to be. They don't want to be put in the friendzone, so they are tempted to push limits.

About the texting... I get that some contact might feel better than no contact. What ever did we do before cell phones, emails, texting, etc?

I often wonder how much technology is helping or hurting us. To me, texting holds a huge risk of misunderstandings. Best not to have any kind of conversations over text.. especially major ones. Too much room for error there. Maybe after a relationship is more established. Even then, I'd still much prefer to hear their voice than get text messages any day.

There is a funny youtube about that... Siri couple fight video

Edited May 28, 2012 by RedRobin

May 28, 2012

I need to clarify for readers that in the first two cases, I had initiated before spending the time getting to know the third guy.

Men need to understand that if a woman initiates, there is a window of opportunity that they let close at their own risk. This has happened many times to me. The guy gets around to reciprocating after I've found someone else or have lost interest.

I think that is the take-away lesson here. If he is that interested AND available, he will not be pushing his cards at women hoping she will reciprocate.

He will be asking for her information and following up shortly afterward.

Edited May 28, 2012 by RedRobin

May 28, 2012

Some men who don't initiate are very interested, but they just don't have enough guts to do anything about it.

May 28, 2012

Some men who don't initiate are very interested, but they just don't have enough guts to do anything about it.

Ok... but please understand, when a woman initiates (because she is trying to be fair, she gets it that meeting people is tough, and that rejection is no fun)... the shy guys can't expect her to keep initiating.

You need to follow up, and soon.

May 28, 2012

Giving me his card or expecting me to initiate or ask on things feels kind of lazy and that he isn't interested. The whole dynamic then feels rather 'meh' to me. I'd rather have some back and forth where we are both initiating things.

Thoughts?

Yeah, I never understood it either. When I would post a question about asking a woman out....and I throw int here about getting a woman's number.

A couple of knuckle heads would chime in and de-rail the thread with, "Don't ask for her number , GIVE HER YOURS!"

And I'm like "wtf are you talking about??"

Yeah, some men are even messed up in the head to be giving advice like that. I just ignore it.

May 28, 2012

Yeah, I never understood it either. When I would post a question about asking a woman out....and I throw int here about getting a woman's number.

A couple of knuckle heads would chime in and de-rail the thread with, "Don't ask for her number , GIVE HER YOURS!"

And I'm like "wtf are you talking about??"

Yeah, some men are even messed up in the head to be giving advice like that. I just ignore it.

Maybe just cover all bases. Ask for hers and give her yours too.

Then make sure that weeks don't go by before you follow up...

May 28, 2012

Ok... but please understand, when a woman initiates (because she is trying to be fair, she gets it that meeting people is tough, and that rejection is no fun)... the shy guys can't expect her to keep initiating.

You need to follow up, and soon.

Well sure, the guy needs to follow up at some point, otherwise if they don't then nothing could ever happen.

I thought we we're talking about the guy initiating or not initiating in the first place.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

May 28, 2012

Well sure, the guy needs to follow up at some point, otherwise if they don't then nothing could ever happen.

I thought we we're talking about the guy initiating or not initiating in the first place.

I guess we'll have to go back to what counts as 'initiating' then.

For some guys, nothing short of throwing them over your shoulder and taking them back to my woman cave counts as initiating.

Others notice and acknowledge that when a woman goes out of her way to approach them and talk to them, they are expressing some level of interest. If the man fails to hit that ping-pong ball back by asking for her number or other visible sign of interest on his part, she will assume he is not interested.

If he pushes his card or numbers at her after she initiated the conversation, she may respond back. Likely not though. I wouldn't. And haven't... and I'm not shy.

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If he expects you to initiate first, I'm assuming he's not that interested

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