RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 After having a series of interactions where the guy seemed to expect me to make the first move (ie, first email, first phone call...etc)... I'm starting to get a bit annoyed. Ok, annoyed isn't the right word. I really don't have a problem initiating. My problem is that, after hearing over and over that men assume the woman is desperate if she initiates... Or that I'm somehow defective in some way if I initiate, I'm going to stop doing it. Because, I actually don't feel that way. Desperate or defective. In the past, I've just felt it was more efficient if both people were taking some measures to show interest. Anyway, back to my original thought... I've had multiple men over the course of the past year just give me their card or give their number to a friend to give to me. They don't ask them for mine though. When that happens, all I can think of is that movie "He's just not that into you." and that well, if he were that interested, he'd call me. Giving me his card or expecting me to initiate or ask on things feels kind of lazy and that he isn't interested. The whole dynamic then feels rather 'meh' to me. I'd rather have some back and forth where we are both initiating things. Thoughts?
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 It should work both ways. If you're interested, ask. That's all there really is to it...
Author RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 It should work both ways. If you're interested, ask. That's all there really is to it... I do and have. Problem is, my personality is rather strong (in case people here haven't noticed, ha ha). I'm taking some measures to tone it down a bit and just let the guy approach (or not). In case of the shyer ones, I'm sorry... I'm not about to fling him over my shoulder and take him to my woman-cave (There are a couple I've come across who seriously would love it if I did that, but no thanks...). I could imagine that might work for a ONS... but a steady diet of that would get old. There needs to be some reciprocation. Anyway, I'm just a bit frustrated since the last two guys I liked seemed to be that way and I'm starting to wonder if it is me... or if it is some new cultural thing where the guys just expect the woman to do all the initiating now. I'll probably spend a day or two obsessing over it, and move on. But thought it might be interesting to have a discussion about it... since the guys here complain so much that women don't initiate or are afraid of rejection. Neither is true of me.
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I think guys are more afraid of rejection really. Some guys can just brush it off and see it as a day-to-day thing, but others...not so much. If you're really serious about someone, dropping a hint the size of Texas may be the only way to get his attention. However, having to do that usually means the guy has some major confidence issues if he can't read your advances by initiating everything...
Author RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I think guys are more afraid of rejection really. Some guys can just brush it off and see it as a day-to-day thing, but others...not so much. If you're really serious about someone, dropping a hint the size of Texas may be the only way to get his attention. However, having to do that usually means the guy has some major confidence issues if he can't read your advances by initiating everything... Thanks for the feedback!
westrock Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I've had multiple men over the course of the past year just give me their card or give their number to a friend to give to me. They don't ask them for mine though. ... Giving me his card or expecting me to initiate or ask on things feels kind of lazy and that he isn't interested. The whole dynamic then feels rather 'meh' to me. I'd rather have some back and forth where we are both initiating things. Why do you see it as lazy or that he isn't interested? How much more do you want initially? Although it may not be to the extent you want, it seems they ARE showing some interest initially and the ball is in your court to initiate back and it's you who may not be responding back in the guy's mind. What are you doing to show interest back? 1
xxoo Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 If you are interested, I don't see the harm in an email saying something like, "Hi, this is so-and-so. I was flattered to receive your card....."and leave it at that. If he wants to ask you out, you've given him a clear opportunity. I wouldn't pursue beyond that. 3
lospantalonsfancie Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 OP, you are ridiculous. The guy gave you his card, or gave it to a friend to give to you, indicating that he is interested. He already put himself "out there" with this gesture. Now, the ball is in your court to "respond." After you have responded, say by a brief email or phone call, or even a text message, the ball is back in "his court" and he can escalate his expression of interest further. Expecting the man to keep putting himself out there time after time without a tit-for-tat response is unreasonable on your part, frankly.
HHC Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 It should work both ways. If you're interested, ask. That's all there really is to it... Agreed. Too many people have fallen victim of the Oprah 'He's just not that into you' Bandwagon (yes I know she didn't write it). The truth is every person on the planet is different. Some men are shy and really REALLY like a girl but can't bring themselves to make the first move. Does it mean they don't like her? Does it mean he will be a crappy partner? No, but it does according to the new movement. I made the moves on my husband. I chased him, so to speak, and to this day he knows how much effort I out into him and he feels so worthy because of it. Do I feel unworthy? No. Would I have liked him to have chased me? Purely ego speaking sure, but when it comes down to what we have, we have it and I didn't dismiss him because he wasn't a guy who made all the first moves and took what he wanted. I don't really care how we get somewhere, just as long as we get there. Dismiss on actions, not on assumptions put on those actions 2
Author RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 OP, you are ridiculous. The guy gave you his card, or gave it to a friend to give to you, indicating that he is interested. He already put himself "out there" with this gesture. Now, the ball is in your court to "respond." After you have responded, say by a brief email or phone call, or even a text message, the ball is back in "his court" and he can escalate his expression of interest further. Expecting the man to keep putting himself out there time after time without a tit-for-tat response is unreasonable on your part, frankly. Let me explain more... These are men I originally approached. If it weren't for me, we wouldn't even be talking. Shoving their card at me after I've approached them seems a bit off. Yes. I think what I'll do in the future if a guy passes me his card is just smile and give him my card and ask him to call me sometime. Actually, I did that with a guy recently. He looked a little annoyed... and no, he never called me. The guy who gave my friend his number to give to me? This was AFTER I told my friend to give him mine. So yes, I'm having a hard time seeing how this is a sign of interest on their parts. 1
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 If you are talking with each other, why not ask for a number? And this holds for both the OP as the men in the situation. What does a card cost? 2 cents? But no emotional investment.
Author RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 If you are talking with each other, why not ask for a number? And this holds for both the OP as the men in the situation. What does a card cost? 2 cents? But no emotional investment. Exactly. I approached. It is up to them to reciprocate with some sign of interest. I'm having a hard time understanding how giving me their card or their phone number is a sign of interest after I've made the initial gesture to talk to them. Sounds more like some stupid PUA crap I read somewhere.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Let me explain more... These are men I originally approached. If it weren't for me, we wouldn't even be talking. Shoving their card at me after I've approached them seems a bit off. Yes. I think what I'll do in the future if a guy passes me his card is just smile and give him my card and ask him to call me sometime. Actually, I did that with a guy recently. He looked a little annoyed... and no, he never called me. The guy who gave my friend his number to give to me? This was AFTER I told my friend to give him mine. So yes, I'm having a hard time seeing how this is a sign of interest on their parts. I still might reach out with a "It was nice meeting you at ______." text or email. I'd personally draw the line at inviting him on a date, but it can't hurt use the contact info that he handed you. "Shoved" is a loaded word. Was that handing with enthusiasm? Or did you feel he was handing you something to end the interaction?
ThaWholigan Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Exactly. I approached. It is up to them to reciprocate with some sign of interest. I'm having a hard time understanding how giving me their card or their phone number is a sign of interest after I've made the initial gesture to talk to them. Sounds more like some stupid PUA crap I read somewhere. I doubt it. PUA is all about the man taking the initiative and approaching.
Author RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I still might reach out with a "It was nice meeting you at ______." text or email. I'd personally draw the line at inviting him on a date, but it can't hurt use the contact info that he handed you. "Shoved" is a loaded word. Was that handing with enthusiasm? Or did you feel he was handing you something to end the interaction? No, it wasn't done to end the interaction... but was handed with about the same enthusiasm as the guy in that movie This must be the new way to see how quickly a girl will have sex with them. Or, they just have plenty of other ladies on their plate. No need to worry about calling me. I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. Good for them, I guess. Doesn't really do much to get me to pursue them. What it makes me want to do is put a for sale sign on my house and move to greener pastures. Anyway, the inflection is mine. That is how it feels.
Author RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I doubt it. PUA is all about the man taking the initiative and approaching. ... and being 'mysterious' and not appearing too interested...
carhill Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 If he expects you to initiate first, I'm assuming he's not that interested If that works for you, then go with it. If not, try something else. 1
truth_seeker Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 OMG! This sh*t gives me a headache! I do think a guy who hands his number through a friend has confidence issues. Also, for a guy to hand out his card isn't the strongest move, but he is putting himself out there by giving the woman the power to contact him. I think in your case RR, the guy isn't that into you. By him giving you the card it says to me, "If she calls, great, should be easy to get her in bed. If she doesn't, no big loss." 1
SJC2008 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 If he was a friend of a friend he should of told his friend to take you out for a casual lunch and invite him, then he could talk to you and see if your interested and ask you out. I've worked on asking women, mostly at my job, I don't do it too often because there are many variables that come in to play obviously, it aint easy but at at least I'm swinging the bat! As far as initiating while dating, just let me know I'm in the game, drop me a hey or how are you every now and then, that's all. Don't send me out there blind with this 0 initiation crap that some some do. I think it's rude and doesn't consider the fact that men need to feel wanted to.
threebyfate Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Didn't we go through this before? If you want a more assertive man, don't be the aggressor. If you want a more passive man, expect to be the aggressor.
FitChick Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 It depends on the setting. Were you at some sort of business event? When people network they give out their cards. If it was a disco, then it might be considered odd. Some men will give women their number because they figure some women won't want to give out their personal phone number to a strange man.
truth_seeker Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Some men will give women their number because they figure some women won't want to give out their personal phone number to a strange man. This is true but women don't see it that way.
carhill Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 So, the operative action is to push the boundary and ask for her number, with giving out the man's number as a fallback if she declines due to 'security' issues? Sounds reasonable. OP, comment?
Heart Of A Lion Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I've had multiple men over the course of the past year just give me their card or give their number to a friend to give to me. They don't ask them for mine though. When that happens, all I can think of is that movie "He's just not that into you." and that well, if he were that interested, he'd call me. Giving me his card or expecting me to initiate or ask on things feels kind of lazy and that he isn't interested. The whole dynamic then feels rather 'meh' to me. I'd rather have some back and forth where we are both initiating things. Thoughts? Shoving their card at me after I've approached them seems a bit off. Yes. Exactly. I approached. It is up to them to reciprocate with some sign of interest. I have had cards printed for situations just like this. Why? Because in my case there had been women that showed interest at the most inopportune times. Example: I had it happen that a woman was hitting on me while I was getting off a bus and she had to go on. There was no time to exchange contact information or a phone number. I was interested, even though the encounter was brief, but couldn't do anything. And because I had been in more situations like this, I had cards printed for a situation like this in the future. The thing is, it NEVER occurred to me that those women might be carrying cards themselves. The fact is, I just don't know whether they do or not. So I automatically assumed that I should be pro-active and be the one carrying and handing out a card, since I was the one who wanted to get to know her, so that's why I had the cards printed. From my perspective I'm then the one taking pro-active steps towards establishing contact after meeting for the first time. She might be the one to first call or e-mail, but that's because when there's no time to exchange contact details, then there is no other way to go about it. Unless she contacts me in those cases, there is no way for us to ever meet again. RedRobin, you're looking at this too much from your own perspective.
tracyrain Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I think for an initial contact after dating you should call the guy. Texting and emailing just seems too impersonal after an initial contact. Whatever happened to the days of talking on the phone all night until you fell asleep? I don't think there is anything wrong with making the first move or even asking the guy out on a date. Say hey would you like to get together sometime? You can meet me here blah blah blah. What is wrong with that? If you saw the guy and was interested why did you approach him and strike up a conversation and say I am interested in meeting you again. May I have your number or if I give you my number will you call me so we can get to know each other better? Just be upfront and truthful. If he doesn't call after that then he isn't interested and you probably dodged a bullet for which you should be thankful.
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