hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 hello...been on these forums for a few months now. reading other people's stories helped me cope, but now i'm finding myself needing more help...so here's my story (sorry if it's long)... i'm 30 and a little over 2 years ago, i met my first love at work. she put moves on me first and i wasn't sure if i should do it, but i decided to break the platinum rule and go out with a coworker. everything was good in the beginning...we hunt out a lot and were intimate. the attraction was strong even though we fought every other day, but that was fun. everything was going good until... 6 months into our relationship, her father committed suicide. at this point she became very distant and fell into a depression. i gave her space and she was missing a lot of work. she contacted me minimally and i tried to be supportive of her. she went to see a grief counselor and that seemed to help a little bit. i went to her father's funeral and after everyone had left, i promised him that i would make her happy and that i would make her family happy as well. after 3 months of the minimal contact, she asked to be exclusive friends. she said having a bf is too much stress on her at this point, but she said we could be friends and that when she felt better, we could get back together. she said she would remain faithful to me even though we weren't together. for these few months, i felt i was in a depression myself, but i loved her and i had to stay strong for her, so i stuck it out. a month passes since our break and things are getting better and it feels like old times even though we're not together. we're having sex again and she's starting to be happy again. she then says she's ready to be back in a relationship and we get back together. everything is good for about another 9 months until... she relapses into another depression and she says, "it's a lot worse this time." i'm like, aw sht, not this again...i barely made it out the first time. she starts seeing a therapist again, going to group counseling and she went to these rehab camps where she was gone for a week or two. she's diagnosed as clinically depressed and she's put on anti-depressants. there's a point where she's sent to the hospital to get her stomach pumped because i guess she overdosed on some medication and her mom couldn't wake her up. do i think she tried to commit suicide? yes. i think her father passed her something in his genes. this was in a span of about 2 months and next thing i hear from her is that she's on oxycontin(sp?). she's still very distant and she tells me that "i don't feel the same way anymore, i feel numb." i ask her if it's the medication making her feel this way and she said she doesn't know. shortly thereafter, she asks me to do the exclusive friends thing again for the exact same reason as last time. i tell her no because she can't keep running away everytime something bad happens and that we need to work out any problems together. a week later, she texts me that this isn't going to work out. i gave minimal resistance because she's a stubborn/prideful girl and she gets what she wants, so i knew there wasn't any chance in changing her mind. i told her it was weird doing this over a text, but she said she couldn't face me. her being depressed and all, i gave in and we broke up. i told her i wasn't going to talk to her, but she insisted on being friends. i told her i don't want to be friends because i needed to move on. POST BREAK UP the first week, i break NC already and i sent her a text saying that she could call me anytime and that i hope she beats this depression because it broke us up. the next 4 months, i stay strict and i'm actually doing okay. i'm going out with friends and i kind of felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. i do a little bit of cyberstalking, but i don't contact her directly. i'm still feeling kind of bad, but it's manageable. i felt like i did everything i could when i was with her. i was always honest and loyal. i loved her the best i could, i always tried to make her happy and i never quit on her. i gave her my whole heart. i had no regrets with how i treated her in the relationship and i took a lot of solace in that. then i hear... rumors about her going out with her manager (who's an a-hole). I AM CRUSHED. i fall into the deepest depression and i start to have thoughts of ending it. i couldn't eat. i didn't have energy for anything. i kept imagining them together and that i had to save her from this guy. i still had hope that she would come back to me at this point even though i started having thoughts of there being another guy in the picture all along. i don't know how i made it through those few days, but then my friends rallied around me. they threw me a bbq and i just let it all out...this helped tremendously. i still wasn't out of the woods yet. things were bothering me enough that i had to turn to my parents too and i had a long talk with them. they gave me their unconditional support and i kind of felt like this was the turning point for me. how can i let my parents down? i had never cried over her up to this point, but my friend said it's good to cry because it's like a final act of letting go. i cried for five minutes and it felt good. i went to her father's grave and i told him i was sorry that i couldn't keep the promise, that i tried my best, but that it was time for me to let go. even though i had been hitting the gym for these past few months, i really started to try to improve my life. i started reading books and just tried to keep the connections with my friends and family strong...always talking to them about my feelings. later on, i find out that the rumors weren't true and i didn't care because i was over it and i was happy again or so i thought... tomorrow is 6 months of break up and a week ago, things started falling apart again. my coworkers told me that she was talking to another coworker for long periods at a time, but i never saw it (didn't want to fall trap to the rumor mill again). i saw her for the first time in about a month and i actually felt indifferent about her. i was like i am finally over her! coupe hours later, i saw it with my own eyes. i saw her talking to the guy. i wasn't devastated like the time i heard the rumor, but it still hurt. i actually thought i took it okay... lately though, it's been building up on me. i feel like i'm in another state of depression and i haven't had the energy to do anything except stay in bed. i'm starting to have those thoughts again...i want to quit my job because i don't think i can handle seeing her again. i just want to escape...i think i want her back again and it's killing me... when does this end? i'm tired of fighting...
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Not much you can do for her. Not really sure why she would be on Oxycontin. As difficult as it is, you are better off forgetting about a future with her. And do see a doctor with regards to your depression - medication and healthy exercise can make a world of difference on your outlook. Work to improve yourself, work on combating your depression, and try to meet new potential girlfriends (you seem to have a decent social network - use that to your advantage). Don't quite your job, unless you have accepted another job offer.
moosekaka Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 hi there, I just want to share that I empathize with your story. I wouldn't say my situation is as sh*tty as yours as we were never intimate but we were coworkers and I did fall into a bout of deep depression too. As for your thoughts of quitting, I am not encouraging you to do so, but I did quit about three months after the BU. I can tell you that there is no guarantee that that leads to permanent healing. In fact for a month after quitting I was basically in a daze spinning my wheels and only after starting a new job last month did I start to make some progress. I find myself falling back into a hole too especially when important dates with here come up or some news gets back to me. Maybe a change of scenery for you (and me) would be the solution?
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Not much you can do for her. Not really sure why she would be on Oxycontin. As difficult as it is, you are better off forgetting about a future with her. And do see a doctor with regards to your depression - medication and healthy exercise can make a world of difference on your outlook. Work to improve yourself, work on combating your depression, and try to meet new potential girlfriends (you seem to have a decent social network - use that to your advantage). Don't quite your job, unless you have accepted another job offer. i think i might have to see a therapist, but i don't want to do medication. i've always been a pretty happy person, it's just this is so hard to get over. i think i will try to meet new girls over the next few weeks. hopefully that'll wake me up from this nightmare. as far as quitting my job goes, i'm not sure. i think it'll help me with the whole out of sight out of mind deal, but i think i'll feel pretty bad if i don't get a job quick.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 hi there, I just want to share that I empathize with your story. I wouldn't say my situation is as sh*tty as yours as we were never intimate but we were coworkers and I did fall into a bout of deep depression too. As for your thoughts of quitting, I am not encouraging you to do so, but I did quit about three months after the BU. I can tell you that there is no guarantee that that leads to permanent healing. In fact for a month after quitting I was basically in a daze spinning my wheels and only after starting a new job last month did I start to make some progress. I find myself falling back into a hole too especially when important dates with here come up or some news gets back to me. Maybe a change of scenery for you (and me) would be the solution? if you had to do it all over again, would you quit again or would you stick it out? i'm still really on the edge if i want to quit or not. yeah, i'm losing a job, but if this is what it takes to get my happiness back, i think i don't have a choice. as far as change of scenery goes, i plan on moving to the beach really soon so i'm really hoping that'll improve my outlook.
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 i think i might have to see a therapist, but i don't want to do medication. i've always been a pretty happy person, it's just this is so hard to get over. i think i will try to meet new girls over the next few weeks. hopefully that'll wake me up from this nightmare. as far as quitting my job goes, i'm not sure. i think it'll help me with the whole out of sight out of mind deal, but i think i'll feel pretty bad if i don't get a job quick. It might be an idea to see if you can find a job elsewhere. Only hand in your resignation when you have another job offer confirmed, so you won't end up unemployed. Medication should only be temporary. As you said you struggle to get out of bed, that is rather extreme. Once you get the exercise going (and I don't mean heavy duty exercise), but say walking for 30-60 minutes a day, you would hardly need to continue with the medication. You probably would not even need it if you could put in the 30-60 minutes daily now. Depending on where you live that may have huge health benefits on top of helping you combat the depression as well.
moosekaka Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 if you had to do it all over again, would you quit again or would you stick it out? i'm still really on the edge if i want to quit or not. yeah, i'm losing a job, but if this is what it takes to get my happiness back, i think i don't have a choice. as far as change of scenery goes, i plan on moving to the beach really soon so i'm really hoping that'll improve my outlook. if i had to do it all over again, I probably would have quit SOONER because I was just unproductive after the BU. Then again I probably would not have wanted work with her if I had to do it all over again. Can you request a transfer to another location in your company? Out of sight out of mind does work to a certain extent, but the pain and regret will still be there, at least it is for me.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 It might be an idea to see if you can find a job elsewhere. Only hand in your resignation when you have another job offer confirmed, so you won't end up unemployed. Medication should only be temporary. As you said you struggle to get out of bed, that is rather extreme. Once you get the exercise going (and I don't mean heavy duty exercise), but say walking for 30-60 minutes a day, you would hardly need to continue with the medication. You probably would not even need it if you could put in the 30-60 minutes daily now. Depending on where you live that may have huge health benefits on top of helping you combat the depression as well. i saved pretty well so i can sustain myself for a couple of years of unemployment. i have that option open to me, i was thinking of travelling for awhile. i'm really against medication. i do, however, feel like maybe this is just a low in what feels like an endless rollercoaster of emotions. yesterday, each time i fell asleep, i had a dream about her. sleep used to be my only escape from these thoughts of her.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 if i had to do it all over again, I probably would have quit SOONER because I was just unproductive after the BU. Then again I probably would not have wanted work with her if I had to do it all over again. Can you request a transfer to another location in your company? Out of sight out of mind does work to a certain extent, but the pain and regret will still be there, at least it is for me. hmm, interesting. i have tried transferring to another location, but it's quite a process. it will probably take months for it to go through. do you have pain and regret about quitting or your relationship with the coworker?
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 If you have some savings, and you can afford to travel do so. That should help greatly to get you out of your depression as well. Sometimes new experiences are just what you need to feel good about life again.
moosekaka Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) hmm, interesting. i have tried transferring to another location, but it's quite a process. it will probably take months for it to go through. do you have pain and regret about quitting or your relationship with the coworker? regret about quitting: no, because honestly I had lost interest in my job by then. relationship regret: at first all I could think of was regret about my actions that caused it to end. now it is being replaced with bitterness about having the relationship in the first place and how easy and smooth the transition for her has being post BU. As for the long process of transferring....it might still be worth it as the mere act of starting the process, taking action and feeling like you are doing something to move on could be healing in itself. I know that before I quit I was almost suicidal (and that was having being on medication and therapy) and showing up at work like a zombie. Doing something dramatic like quitting was a last resort and the resulting flurry of activities of having to move and looking for another job took my mind of those destructive thoughts. It hasn't healed the wound though as I am still bitter and holding on to the past, but it would have being a million times worse had I not quit. Talk to your family, boss or someone trusted before you make the decision. Don't just quit out of the blue. PS: I know exactly what you mean about getting out of bed, I had a very hard time where I would wake up and curl under my sheets for hours not wanting to face the world and replaying the whole drama in my head, it was torture but perversely I could not snap out of it. Try volunteering (do something that takes the focus away from you, I volunteer at the animal shelter), it worked for me and personally being around animals cheered me up tremendously. Edited May 20, 2012 by moosekaka
moosekaka Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Medication should only be temporary. As you said you struggle to get out of bed, that is rather extreme. Once you get the exercise going (and I don't mean heavy duty exercise), but say walking for 30-60 minutes a day, you would hardly need to continue with the medication. You probably would not even need it if you could put in the 30-60 minutes daily now. Exercise provides only a temporary relief. I am a track runner and do adult gymnastics so I exercise hard pretty much everyday, and of course I feel good after doing it. But the painful thoughts come back especially just before and after going to bed. Some medication would help if only as a placebo. But the only true medicine is time and letting go.
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Exercise provides only a temporary relief. I am a track runner and do adult gymnastics so I exercise hard pretty much everyday, and of course I feel good after doing it. But the painful thoughts come back especially just before and after going to bed. Some medication would help if only as a placebo. But the only true medicine is time and letting go. Agreed, I would not advice anyone to just pop the pill for years on end, without addressing the issues in their lives that caused the depression to begin with. That would be completely counterproductive. The kind of exercise I am talking about is not goal-driven (like you probably are, with regards to track running), but rather to just get out, and see your neighborhood see people pass by. "Purposeless" if you want to call it that.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 regret about quitting: no, because honestly I had lost interest in my job by then. relationship regret: at first all I could think of was regret about my actions that caused it to end. now it is being replaced with bitterness about having the relationship in the first place and how easy and smooth the transition for her has being post BU. As for the long process of transferring....it might still be worth it as the mere act of starting the process, taking action and feeling like you are doing something to move on could be healing in itself. I know that before I quit I was almost suicidal (and that was having being on medication and therapy) and showing up at work like a zombie. Doing something dramatic like quitting was a last resort and the resulting flurry of activities of having to move and looking for another job took my mind of those destructive thoughts. It hasn't healed the wound though as I am still bitter and holding on to the past, but it would have being a million times worse had I not quit. Talk to your family, boss or someone trusted before you make the decision. Don't just quit out of the blue. PS: I know exactly what you mean about getting out of bed, I had a very hard time where I would wake up and curl under my sheets for hours not wanting to face the world and replaying the whole drama in my head, it was torture but perversely I could not snap out of it. Try volunteering (do something that takes the focus away from you, I volunteer at the animal shelter), it worked for me and personally being around animals cheered me up tremendously. i have lost interest in my job as well, going through all of this has made me realize that i do not like what i do for a living. as far as relationship regret goes, thank god (sorry moosekaka) that i do not have regrets. i gave it everything i had...every fiber of my being...there was nothing more i could've done. yeah, i think i'm gonna start the process of transferring for your exact reasons. i recently applied to other jobs that i have no interest in, but i feel like if i'm trying to make changes, i'll feel better. quitting is definitely what i feel like doing right now, but i can't help but feel that if i quit, she'll have gotten the best of me. i definitely feel like i'll feel a lot better if i do it, but searching for a job is a pretty bad feeling too. especially in these times when jobs are so hard to come by. i will talk to someone before i actually decide to quit. probably should give it some more time before i do too...quitting and travelling is an option for me. i think i will seriously consider volunteering at an animal shelter. i only like dogs, but i think it will help me too.
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Doing different things like helping out at an animal shelter can really be an inspiring experience. Not sure how many saving you have, but is a career switch an option for you?
moosekaka Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 she'll have gotten the best of me. This.....this thought is the cause of my bitterness, because of course in my case, I was in my job first, I hired her and showed her the ropes. yet I ended up being the one leaving and she got to make a smooth transition. Yet you have to balance it with doing what's best for you, many ppl told me not to quit because of what I would be giving up, but I just could not work there anymore. It might be different for you, but as I see it having your coworkers keeping you in the loop on her life is counterproductive. For me I quit as much to start fresh and get a clean break. Do you have family commitments? I'm about the same age but don't have a mortgage and so quitting was easier. Quitting was not easy but once I made the decision I was at peace with it. Make sure you talk and think it through.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 This.....this thought is the cause of my bitterness, because of course in my case, I was in my job first, I hired her and showed her the ropes. yet I ended up being the one leaving and she got to make a smooth transition. Yet you have to balance it with doing what's best for you, many ppl told me not to quit because of what I would be giving up, but I just could not work there anymore. It might be different for you, but as I see it having your coworkers keeping you in the loop on her life is counterproductive. For me I quit as much to start fresh and get a clean break. Do you have family commitments? I'm about the same age but don't have a mortgage and so quitting was easier. Quitting was not easy but once I made the decision I was at peace with it. Make sure you talk and think it through. well i guess my situation is different because she was at this job first. i was the first person she got with at work, but lately, she went full on slut mode and i've been hearing a lot of rumors. they might not be true, but her reputation is definitely tarnished. i don't have family commitments or a mortgage. i really don't have any bills. i don't spend too much on things, mostly on food. i think i would be at peace of my decision if i quit. i think it would be good for me to have that clean break and to start over fresh. it's the constant reminder of her that gets me down. D'Arthez - i do believe i have enough saved up for a career switch. i get paid decently for what i do right now, so if i do look for soemthing in the same field, i'll probably suffer a pay cut.
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 i do believe i have enough saved up for a career switch. i get paid decently for what i do right now, so if i do look for soemthing in the same field, i'll probably suffer a pay cut. Do you need the money you make now to pay all your bills, or could you get by when you took the pay cut? If you work full-time, you are spending about a third of your waking life in your job. That is an awful big part of your life if you are not happy with it. Just something to ponder.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Do you need the money you make now to pay all your bills, or could you get by when you took the pay cut? If you work full-time, you are spending about a third of your waking life in your job. That is an awful big part of your life if you are not happy with it. Just something to ponder. if i quit now, i could probably make it for 2 years with the bills i have now. i am definitely not happy with my job and it's not because of her. i haven't been happy about where i work for awhile now.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 i was watching 500 days of summer yesterday (a movie she introduced me to) and at the end, the narrator or the guy was like, "and on may 23, a wednesday..." that's when he met autumn. that better be a damn sign cause may 23 is coming up and it's gonna be on a wednesday.
moosekaka Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 i was watching 500 days of summer yesterday (a movie she introduced me to) and at the end, the narrator or the guy was like, "and on may 23, a wednesday..." that's when he met autumn. that better be a damn sign cause may 23 is coming up and it's gonna be on a wednesday. I liked that movie too, but don't take it too seriously, because in real life things are not as dramatic or always as optimistic as that movie.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 about to make an appointment with a psychologist, any particular kind i should look into?
moosekaka Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 are you in the US? I would try a therapist, look under cognitive behavior therapy therapist. In the US, a psychiatrist can prescribe medication but wont be much help if you want counselling or talk therapy at length. A therapist would provide counselling but cant prescribe medication.
Author hrtbroken Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 i am in the US. i think i will look for that kind of therapist. thanks! that's the kind for relationships?
moosekaka Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 google "cognitive behavioral therapist" or CBT. There are also general therapists too (marriage and family counselling). You go in and talk for about an hour with the therapist, the first session is the 'intake' session where he/she will ask you for your story. Normally you would have about 10-20 sessions with the therapist for there to be progress.
Recommended Posts